To have let rip at grandparents

[claudib]

They left the gate to the swimming pool open, I approached them telling them with concern and they were very shruggish " it wasn't me" "It might have been me but .." " Look ,do you really think we would let... ? "She wasn't even around there.." So I got angry and shouted
Apparently I've stepped over a line.
And I'm made out to be the bad guy.
Some background info, i found it left open twice last year ( the pool has 3 gates of access onto it) I quietly seethed to myself on those ones and made my partner promise he would have a word about gate security. He probably didn't I'm guessing.
he is not talking to me on account of my outburst. Which consisted of pleads to keeps the gate shut/ safeguarding measures etc.. Albeit screeched but there was no personal insults.
Thanks in advance!

High alert is definitely the way to go, I'm afraid. We went on a boat trip whilst on holiday this summer. One family had a six yo boy who coukd swim, both parents, plus gps and two uncles. Another family had just the parents, and a six yo plus his eleven yo sister.
The one boy with all the extended family was frequently horribly shouted at for going out of his mother's sight (ie when they'd been in the water together and he'd gone back yo see his uncle, or had gone down below when the parents were on the top deck.
The other boy just had one or both parents with him all the time - not relying on him to keep informing them of his whereabouts, and no need to keep shouting at him,
I'm afraid holidays with toddlers always necessitate one parent 'on patrol' at all times. Ideally they'll sort the gate issue out, but even then a visitor could leave it open.
I witnessed a toddler sitting in the shallow end of a pool while her mother was sunbathing. She tipped forward and dtarted to splutter, couldn't use her arms to push herself back. I was feeding ds, so quietly alerted the mother. Girl was distraught and crying for ages, parents both shushing her so no one else would know. She literally could have drowned in four inches of water if I hadn't been there. Still, the mum had a great tan.

I'm afraid holidays with toddlers always necessitate one parent 'on patrol' at all times.

The important point is that 'high alert' isn't enough around swimming pools. The OP is already on high alert. That's why, when she realised that she couldn't hear her DD's voice, she went to look for her and found the gate open.

All of the adults need to be on high alert and taking responsibility for their own actions. There's a gate. Keep it shut. It is far from an unreasonable request of all adults when the is a toddler and a large body of water in the same house.

While everyone should be on alert, it's always good to have one person that is primary carer of the child for any given time. Why? Because with 4 adults and one child roaming the property, it's easy for the adults to think another person is monitoring the child, while the child disappears. I've seen it happen numerous times.

You put it much more succinctly than me, GingerIvy!

you definitely need self-closing mechanisms on the gates. They are quite cheap and easy to fix yourself. Fire doors have them in the UK so that the door is closed.... (b) you should also get locks fitted that a child can't open (if keys and a proper lock isn't possible and (c) it sounds like the access to the swimming pool is also a passageway? Is there a way of re-designing it so that it is access only to the pool and people are either in there or not?

Umm it isn't her house!! You are suggesting she redesign the grounds of somebody else's house that she only visits twice a year.
It is nice if someone does a bit of babyproofing of their property but you can't demand it, much less shout and let rip at pople who don't.It is YOUR job to watch your 2 year old like a hawk in someone else's house not their job to baby-proof for you!

While I agree with brioche the owners don't have baby proof their house .
Pools are different matter I don't think anybody wants the death of a child on their property.

So putting in pool alarms , self closing gate locks and life jacket in little sizes and anything else safety wise is what any person with a pool would hopefully do especially if they were grandparents.

I would not taking my young child to anywhere that has a pool that did not have these safety measures.

In many parts of the world it would be against the law not to have adequate fencing around a private pool including a self closing gate, even if children never visit your house.

Yanbu to be upset, but yabu in shouting. Apologise for shouting and next time just be firm without raising your voice

So putting in pool alarms , self closing gate locks and life jacket in little sizes and anything else safety wise is what any person with a pool would hopefully do
hotels don't.parents are expected to watch their dc

This was not a hotel. A child would not have access to a hotel pool in the same way that they would in a private house (and if they did it would not be safe - the pool would have to be fenced or it would be an inappropriate hotel for young children).

You are just wrong on this one brioche Additional precautions need to be taken around pools. Countries like Australia where pools are common have legislation because just thinking you can be vigilant and keep an eye on your child 24/7 is not enough to prevent drowning.

Perhaps the OP shouldn't have shouted, but it is really important that people don't underestimate the risk of a small child having unrestricted access to water in their home, on holiday or when visiting friends - and that includes garden ponds, paddling pools and hot tubs.

You are spot on merrymouse. In a hotel it's completely different as outside of the bedroom you would consider it a public area and therefore not take your eyes off your child (toddler age) , as in a park or a shop. In a private house you don't usually have a way of keeping your child anywhere, eg in the bedroom, so they effectively have free access to a pool 24/7.

YANBU to be very annoyed about it but shouting probably won't get you anywhere. They should realise how important it is for them to shut the gate so you and/or your DH need to have words with them but I would also look into self closing gates and the pool alarms.

Yes this place is incomparable with most hotels pools. After much reviewing it feels to me shouting came after they dismissed me with their shirking response. " it wasn't me/it might've been me,but../we were watching her!" There's generally been a lot of that dismissal/we are right, we are the elders.. So clearly that is backstory.

Obviously no one here knows the house plan but the pool is hidden around corners and bends and the gated entrance in question is around a corner that is rarely used or visible. So a bit like a back yard gate that leads on to a busy road.
So how long was it open? How long would it have been open had I not have noticed? Would she have been watched constantly or noted at least every 15 seconds for the rest if the evening? Is that a a usual level of supervision. ( we all do the parent scan of a room's safety before we can relax there with a toddler don't we)
I have had it suggested that you can never have 100% risk free situation. Which of course you can't but it's like dangerous dogs, cliffs, busy roads, bodies of water. That's what you worry about right? Their house has always encouraged that level of nervyness for me because of that pool. They've been very childish about it since and are not sure they want to see me in future which only further reaffirms me of their irresponsibility in this situation.
..so you can imagine how fruitless it would be for me to turn up with a load of tools and gate locking mechanisms..

They do t see you, they don't see your children then. You can't trust them to behave responsibly. What does dh say?

Stay in a hotel or rent an apartment next time you visit.

It sounds a bit like dealing with people who don't believe car seats are necessary - you can explain the reasoning till you are blue in the face but in the end the only solution is not to give them the opportunity to put your child at risk.

At last DH sees it my way after much talking, he doesn't want to hurt his parents feelings and stuff so I know it's awkward for him, he is going to broach it all in a talk at some point.. (-They didn't want to talk about it after, I am all about talking things through)
Oh yes it's always been like that..
When they were very little I'd be putting cushions all around the bed floor in case they fell out whilst sleeping ( it's all rustic stone tile flooring) and that would always feel awkward, like I was being OTT. So it's always felt creeping on eggshells, don't want to insult etc..
When you start to make lists it does make you feel like a h&s freak.. But I am only setting up the environment i feel safe in like I would my own home

claudib, you are right you can never be 100% risk free but that is why pool fencing is a legal requirement in many countries and sensible adults would ensure that gates are closed. The idea is to minimise the risk. It is also why there still needs to be supervision as even with the right fence, closed gates etc. there is still a risk. For example, as kids we had a properly fenced pool (for that time period) and one of our neighbours children nearly drowned in it as he entered our property while we were out on the weekend, got something to stand on and managed to climb over, then fell in the pool. Thankfully he was still okay when we got home and my Dad had to jump in an pull him out. My Dad is about to put a pool at his new house but even just with the kids paddling pool they put up a proper fence and gate.

Good luck with the talk!

Oh OP, I know exactly how you feel. I am seen as very pfb about things like this, when I am taking the most basic of safety precautions. I suspect that your outburst was probably caused,at least in part, by the stress of being on high alert the whole time. You are probably also tired of constant digs from everyone about how "funny" you are about things-although that may just be me projecting. YANBU though - shutting a gate is such a simple thing, and the potential consequences of not doing so are horrific.

experiencedhider you are dead right there