The reality is for me, that getting pregnant and carrying DS to term, plus breast feeding for 10 moths, kick started an underlying genetic condition that has left me severely disabled. My marriage, livelihood and whole life collapsed, my body is not only falling apart in multiple devastating ways, but it's transformed my looks and tbh, I look fuck ugly and gross.
Bear with me, there is a point in here! ...
Until tonight and this article, I can hand on heart say it had never occurred to me to 'blame' DS for any of this happening... Yet can you imagine this letter written about my experiences? 'DS I bf you even though it meant my body deteriorated to the point of needing carers. I did it for you so repay me now by being abjectly grateful 24/7"
That's one of the reasons this letter annoys me.
It's so 'mummy martyr' competition, which quite frankly I win hands down, and it's a point of pride that my son knows little about my struggle. I can see its damaging to hold a child responsible for the events that got us to now. It's nothing to do with him.
And ooh, what about the time when DS wet my bed mid potty training, and I injured myself (badly) trying to clean it up in the middle of the night. Can you imagine how awful it would be to ever wrote some drivel about resenting DS for this? In the same way the author has whined on about the potty training awfulness of her DS who she implies resisted being potty trained and was responsible for doing that to her 'I spent years washing trousers you decided to pee on regardless' grrrr.
Makes my hackles rise!
At the other extreme, tbh, the only reason I'm alive is my little boy. He's both a miracle and also a responsibility. He needs me, and he needs me to be his mummy, his rock and foundation. So I'm here. But saying this, I'm keenly aware how damaging it would be if DS ever knew this -how awful to put that responsibility on s child's shoulders, that he's the reason I exist. (Shudder. I feel guilty for even thinking this let alone communicating it!)
So both ways are terribly terribly damaging, to blackmail a child by holding them to a debt accrued without their knowledge or consent, or, to make a child responsible for an adults existence and happiness. There's a theme, and that is the separation of children from parents lives/ identities/ decisions/ impact.
Here's my letter to DS:
Dear boy,
I love you so much, I wake up every day so happy that I have you in my life*. We make a great team, and you make me laugh even when the bottom burp joke has REALLY worn itself thin. I expect and appreciate when you behave kindly and politely to me, because that's how I treat you. It's the way we show each other that we love and care about family. I respect you, care about your feelings and understand that there are good days and bad days for everyone, and I love it when you show me the same thoughtfulness back. It makes me proud to be your Mum.
Sometimes I know you take out your feelings on me, and in a way, that's ok as I'm your mum and you should feel safe enough to do that when the rest of the world is unfair and frustrating. All I ask is that you let me help you get to the bottom of it, and join in with me in helping you learn other ways of dealing with it.
I am sorry I can't give you a 'normal' life like your friends have, but I hope you have enough love and support and protection that you can cope with being different. And I hope you know that I would do anything to help you grow and become the amazing grown up you'll be (even if that 'anything' means telling you off from time to time, or letting you discover what happens when you make a wrong choice!).
And above all, I hope you know that whatever happens, I am your mummy, and you are my little boy, no matter how tall you grow, and you should never ever take on responsibility for grown up things, that's my job. And I love that it's my job, even when it's tricky,
I love you my dear darling funny silly sausage. And that's the only 'home truth' you'll ever hear.
Mummy xxx
(And yes I know you want to call me Mum, but let me have Mummy a wee bit longer - at home, not in front of your school mates!)
*I'd say 'blessed' at this point apart from that term makes me vom!