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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this mother's attitude is far from typical

149 replies

nippiesweetie · 24/10/2015 14:47

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/oct/24/a-letter-to-my-10-year-old-son-who-needs-to-hear-a-few-home-truths

Her poor son. A letter that should have been written, read and discarded, I think.

OP posts:
Lweji · 24/10/2015 19:10
Grin
stoppingbywoods · 24/10/2015 19:14

The point of the letter as unveiled at the end (it's not what I've done for you that's deserving of respect, it's what I want for you) is disingenuous and comes out of nowhere. The thrust of the letter is very much about how much she has done for him. And she mentions things that a ten year old should not have to be aware of or dwell upon. Saying she 'didn't mind' is neither here nor there. She clearly thinks she owed something as a result. But she isn't, not by a ten year old.

I wouldn't fancy unpicking all that manipulative footwork for the next forty years. Poor little boy.

brokenhearted55a · 24/10/2015 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Senpai · 24/10/2015 19:27

Anything you do for them during baby and toddler years does not count. You signed up for that job, and anything you are doing is solely for your own benefit of feeling like a good mother. Your child will come out just fine whether you breastfeed, bottle feed, leave them to cry it out, cosleep, use jar food or fresh purees. These are all choices in which the child has no control over and therefore owes you nothing for. If she wanted sleep, she should have gotten a dog instead.

When they're older and want to be in certain activities, yes they need to show they're responsible enough to handle it. But you tell them that when they sign up, they're also signing up for practicing at home so there's no ambiguity.

Anyway, she's laying it on pretty thick. This felt like a group pat on the back for all moms, not a letter for his own benefit.

My child's letter goes something like this:

Dear DD,
If need to respect and listen to me, because if you don't you're going in time out.
Love,
Mommy.

CheesyNachos · 24/10/2015 19:29

I think it is interesting that the Guardian seem not to be enabling comments on the story, which they do for other comment pieces today.

myotherusernameisbetter · 24/10/2015 19:29

It's things like this that convince me that I am a better parent than I sometimes think I am.

Yes, some bits of parenting are a bit of a slog but a lot of it is sheer joy and love. My boys definitely don't owe me anything other than common decent behaviour as I would expect them to give to anyone.

Don't let it put you off brokenhearted All of the hard times and more are worth it for just one smile and one sticky hand pressed into yours.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 24/10/2015 19:29

Was anyone else reminded of Tammy Wynette's masterpiece 'No Charge'?

DSClarke · 24/10/2015 19:31

The last paragraph or two of this letter gives a totally different view.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/25/a-letter-to-my-teenage-girl-who-hates-me-so-very-much

WyrdByrd · 24/10/2015 19:31

bigmouth your reply of page one has brought tears to my eyes.

I suspect my 11yo DD would like to get that message across to DH sometimes

CheesyNachos · 24/10/2015 19:35

brokenhearted please do not lt it out you off. Parenting is hard.... but it is also such a joy.

My DS is aged 5 and we have our own issues in that he is autistic and is currently in a fairly challenging phase (understatement) but every day is a fabulous day because he is so bloody funny, interesting and just plain good company.

He ic currently sitting next to me watching Big Bang and singing 'soft kitty, warm kitty' in an Oscar the Grouch voice.

It's lovely.

Lweji · 24/10/2015 19:36

Or

Dear DS,
I need you to respect and listen to me, because that is how I behave towards you most of the time and if you don't I won't respect or listen to you. Although I understand that you, like me, sometimes are not in the best of moods, so I let it go sometimes, and that you have your own will and appreciate when things are explained rather than ordered.
Love,
Mommy.

PS - Yes, I don't have such a nice bikini stomach anymore, but it's not your fault, and there is the plus side that the breasts have gone up a few sizes, so I won't complain about body changes.

TitusGibbonicus · 24/10/2015 20:32

Made me want to throttle her.

NinaSimoneful · 24/10/2015 21:20

When I got to the part about her rejecting pain relief because it's better for the baby I thought 'martyr'.

When I got to the bit about the umbilical cord I honestly thought it was a wind up.

I can only imagine how the parent of a mentally disabled child would feel reading this self pitying crap. It would put her "All I do for youuuuu!" whinge into perspective. Some parents would make this woman's list of grievances and sacrifices look like a 6 week old Chihuahua squaring up to a Great Dane. And for a lot of them they would never have the pleasure of seeing their child enjoy an after school club.

Oh wait, this woman doesn't look as good in a bikini as she did 10+ years ago before she had kids?! Well she's the real hero. Is Sandra Bullock available to star in the upcoming biopic of this brave ladys tale?

Helmetbymidnight · 24/10/2015 21:23

Oh absolutely grief, 'no charge'

My mum loved that song Grin

This woman is silly.

Helmetbymidnight · 24/10/2015 21:25

Dear Ds treat everyone with respect (unless they're really horrid, obviously)

Jux · 24/10/2015 21:40

I've just realised I don't appreciate my dd enough.

KKCupCakes · 24/10/2015 21:57

Oh. Oh dear. Ahhh um, well that's pretty itchy isn't it :( Our DD is 10. We don't expect her to respect us just because we are her parents. However I would like to think that DP and I treat our DC with respect and oodles of love which seems to be happily reciprocated and so builds mutual love, care and respect which is kind of what families are about isn't it?

Pipbin · 24/10/2015 22:05

Oh, and as someone who has had three rounds of IVF, she has no fucking idea about putting yourself through shit for your children, and I didn't even get a baby to take home at the end of it.

As said further up thread there must be many parents of SN children who have naff all sympathy for her too.

Mehitabel6 · 24/10/2015 22:11

A dreadful letter- all about her.
It calls for the response 'I didn't ask to be born'.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 24/10/2015 22:18

This letter annoys me because I have really been struggling with dd2 this week persuading her to go to school, staying calm while she rants and cries, this morning I found it really hard just getting her motivated to go to a club she really enjoys. She is on the autistic spectrum and has awful anxiety, negative thought patterns and difficulty being flexible. She said this morning, just as I was getting to a point of wanting to give up trying to get her out of the house, "I just get so worried and I can't help it, it turns into anger and I take it out on you mummy, I'm so sorry" ... and she reminded me who is the grown up, the one she needs to be able to rely on no matter how awful her behaviour. Not conditional. So I can't let my need to be appreciated colour my attitude towards Dd.

Thisismyfirsttime · 24/10/2015 22:29

When I was reading this it just made me think about my 18mth old dd's recent first ever bout of real vomiting. We are very lucky in that she'd never been sick before, not since she's been weaned and DH called me to say she'd been sick in her cot. I have never been able to deal with vomit, I was never holding a friend's hair back over the bowl, if there was vomit in the street I could be gagging for hours and if I could smell it in work (or anywhere else) I had to leave very quickly or I'd be at it myself. So she vomits, dh tells me, I get her and take her to change her and clean her up while he dealt with the bedding. There was acrid, vomity puke on my shoulder and the whole house and dd smelt horrendously of it. And in those 5 minutes I realised it was ok because I'm her mum. I'd thought I'd deal with it really badly but I changed her clothes, wiped it out of her ear with my nail (Confused!!) and sat there with vomit on my top whilst she was asleep on my other shoulder. She woke up and looked at me and I said 'I'm your mum!' And I was so happy because she is my baby and I was so very worried about what would happen in that situation and it didn't faze me a bit because I'm her mum. I held her over the bucket many times that night and I felt none of the resentment I thought I would pre-dd. Just so proud of myself that I was a 'mum' mum. I think I thought of that because of the total happiness I felt in such a bizarre situation to be happy in? And she seems to be so down on being a mum and making the choices she did for the best for her children. It seems cruel to do something to do the best for them and then to throw it in their faces.

knittingwithnettles · 24/10/2015 22:30

It is completely anonymous, and those letters are very much Everyman scenarios..everyone gets the chance to think they might be the person written to or writing the letter.

I am grateful to her because she made me think about all the ways I shouldn't treat dses and dd. The worst bit to me was the revising for the exams. He doesn't care about the exams, she obviously does. And what child has exams at 10 anyway, unless it is for the 11plus in which case she is in pushy mum category?

"Respect your home, respect your family because it is a place where you live and we are human beings you spend a great deal of time with, but don't respect me because I spend my time nagging you nor are my rules necessarily yours by instinct"

The sad thing is children usually love their parents whether their parents behave well or not. They just might not show it.

I suppose the point of the letter is that she is just terribly sad;I want to write her a letter back and say, of course he cares about you, but he is 10 he has no overview whatsoever. READ HOW to TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN and stop expecting things to be perfect.

knittingwithnettles · 24/10/2015 22:31

And I also wanted to say,

don't be sad, you've done a great job, you haven't failed if his room is a bit messy and he screams at you and fails his 11plus. HE CAN STILL BE A GREAT SON AND YOU WILL BE Proud of him.

ShowMeTheWonder · 24/10/2015 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dontlaugh · 24/10/2015 22:52

Sounds like my mother, the entitled narcissistic emotionally abusive one.
Hope that helps.

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