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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want some notice if someone is coming round?

138 replies

Rubberduckies · 20/10/2015 23:28

I don't mind anyone coming round to our house, but am I being unreasonable to expect to know they're coming beforehand ?

I don't need much notice, a text to say 'just popping round, be there in 10mins' would be fine. I would prefer them to ask rather than assume it's ok, but hey, I think I'm a reasonable person!

What I really dislike, is cooking dinner, or busy doing something, or just relaxing and someone knocking on the door because 'I was just passing'

So wise mners, AIBU?

OP posts:
Mundelfall · 21/10/2015 19:41

Wow, I didn't know I was odd in not opening the door to random callers... Why would that be odd? It's my house, not a public space!

Even dh rings the doorbell before he uses his key to give me a moment to hide the gin (joke). When I am on my own in the house I put the bolt on because dh has previously scared the crap out of me coming back unexpectedly and suddenly materialising in the kitchen.

iwantgin · 21/10/2015 19:42

I would hate it. Certainly never do it to others.

During the day I like to plan out what I am going to do. I often factor in an hour for tv/dozing on the sofa on an afternoon too. If someone called around during my nap time I would be really pissed off. They'd probably know I was in as I don't close the curtains during the day so would think I was being rude if I didn't answer the door.

So, no OP, YANBU.

CocktailQueen · 21/10/2015 19:43

I love it when friends just turn up!

Lots of posters seem quite antisocial, though.

Had no idea I was committing a faux-pas by just turning up....

Mundelfall · 21/10/2015 19:46

Unsociable is not the same as antisocial CocktailQueen

I can be very sociable on my terms and enjoy catching up with friends. But a quick text message doesn't go amiss and if I don't answer it means I am not available, for whatever reason. That reason can be that I can't be arsed and it would be unfair to expose my friends to my grumpy mood, so it's a valid reason.

iwantgin · 21/10/2015 19:49

Same here Mundalfall

I like to keep the doors locked anyway - but we try and let each other know our ETAs - so don't get freaked out by the door opening or whatever.

MrsHathaway · 21/10/2015 20:48

I like to have ten minutes' notice so that I can say no before they're actually on the doorstep.

I like to have ten minutes' notice so I can make sure the DC remembered to flush the loo [glares]

I like to have ten minutes' notice so I can empty the cat litter or load the dishwasher or whatever quick but boring job I've been putting off.

Too much notice means you actually clean the house. Not enough notice means you're caught on the hop - which is kind of intimate, and might be cool with some friends but is not cool with them all.

cardibach · 21/10/2015 21:08

Mundelfall that is weird with your DH! I can appreciate (though not really understand) that some people do t like poppers-in, but your DH has every right to 'materialise' in his own kitchen!

Mundelfall · 21/10/2015 21:18

cardibach Of course he has and he will sneak in if he wants a quiet moment before the dc mob him. But if he comes home unexpectedly he will ring the doorbell while opening the door because he doesn't want me to have a heart attack Grin. I scare easily and this could be bad news while handling sharp kitchen utensils! And I do the same for him and announce my presence because he jumps out of his skin if he hasn't heard me approach.

Maybe we are just weird scaredy cats.

Bunbaker · 21/10/2015 21:34

"It is not compulsory to answer a door, or a phone for that matter

I didn't say it's compulsory. I just think it's a bit unusual and, that's all"

It isn't unusual on MN. This site is peopled by unsociable folk who don't answer the door or their phones. I don't actually mind people coming to see me, but it rarely happens, and we don't have family on the doorstep so I don't have a problem with it.

I do think it is odd not to answer the door or phone though. It is usually a neighbour dropping a parcel round because we were out or the postman, so why wouldn't I answer the door? And phone calls are usually family - because we still use the landline as the default option.

SalemSaberhagen · 21/10/2015 21:38

When I still loved at home my step father's adult daughter, who wouldn't contact him for months at a time, would just turn up unannounced and just walk in. Not even a knock and walk in. Just open the door and in she would pop. DM told me she still does it now, on the rare occasions she deigns to visit.

SalemSaberhagen · 21/10/2015 21:39

Lived, not loved! Although loving at home is one of the many reasons people shouldn't drop by unannounced!

imwithspud · 21/10/2015 21:50

I must say that unless it's a cold caller/salesmen etc I do usually answer the door, the living room is at the front of the house and all it would take would be for someone to peer through the window to see that we're in. I'd rather just answer to avoid being thought of as rude, even if I'm not particularly thrilled that they're here.

neveramorningperson · 21/10/2015 21:59

This site is peopled by unsociable folk who don't answer the door or their phones.

Why is that unsociable?

Unless I have a sick child I am worrying about, I never answer my phone if I am driving/ with friends/ having lunch or diner/ helping kids with homework/ playing with kids/ bathing kids/ having a coffee with my husband/ working. It's easier for people to leave me a message if they chose than me telling them to call back later because they are disturbing something.

Amberdiamond · 21/10/2015 22:41

YANBU My in laws give no notice at all, ever. They don't even knock on the front door, we've all been sat in the lounge many times before now and in have walked all 8 of them! One time that happened and the nurse was round to show me how to administer a particularly delicate medicine to DS2 and they all trooped in and just sat there. Drives me daft, how long would it take just to phone and say "ok if we pop round, we'll be with you in 10"!!

Bunbaker · 21/10/2015 22:58

"Why is that unsociable?"

Erm, because it is. I don't think that I am more important than anyone who might want to talk to me.

Also, we have elderly family on both sides whose default form of contact is the landline so we never ignore a phone call.

liletsthepink · 21/10/2015 23:14

I'm surprised at how many people keep their doors unlocked so that people can just walk in!

crystalskier · 21/10/2015 23:21

All my friends just pop in and they come to the back door so there is no pretending that I'm not in although I have hidden in the bathroom a couple of times if I've got a face mask on and I'm half dressed!

I don't mind mostly but I agree 10 mins gives you time to whizz around and at least swoop a few kitchen surfaces and throw the bins out plus I can recalibrate my brain to an impending arrival.

Australians are by far the worst though - don't ever give them your address... we had friends turn up who we didn't even know were in the country and expect to stay for a couple of days. We were living in a one-bedroomed flat and were both working full time - had to give up our bed and sleep on the floor, then I phoned in sick for 2 days to show them around and look after them! In hindsight I should have just said oh lovely to see you, where are you staying?

They tried to do the same a couple of years later but did actually ring whilst en route - I was firmer and just said that it wasn't convenient. Cheeky so and so's.

Mmmmcake123 · 21/10/2015 23:44

Yadnbu! I can't stand people who just knock on including close family. I make allowances for my mum but have to admit it still annoys me. I live opposite my dd's primary school and made it very clear when I worked there that I wasn't available as a sitter for dc of other school staff. They thought I was a bit odd, so be it. On the first day of one of the summer hols, a colleague/friend turned up unannounced at about 9.30 to ask if we fancied a trip to the park. I really like her but just said no we weren't expecting you. She replied no worries we'll wait or DD can come without you. I said no. Was fuming, me n DD were having a brekkie picnic in bed. I didn't let her in and told her no but felt uncomfortable that dd might have heard from upstairs and wanted to go. Explained sit to DD and she was happy not to go but this involved a bit of let's have some cake. She had turned up looking like a movie star!!! What is that all about?

CallieG · 22/10/2015 06:23

My house was an open house to my best friend( as hers was to me) I took the lead of others and treated them the way they treated me, but anyone not my BFF , should give 30 minutes notice and better damn well bring cake and coffee.

Obs2015 · 22/10/2015 06:35

Wouldn't bother me. People take me as they find me.

DaniBubbles · 22/10/2015 10:59

I'm another one who doesn't answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone. Does anyone else have friends/relatives though who when you don't answer the door, they come to the living room and peer into the window? Mine used to do that and it drove me daft! I don't know why but I found it quite rude.

Petal02 · 22/10/2015 14:27

My Dad used to do this!! His partner started using a hair salon very close to us, so on a Saturday afternoon (while the partner was having a full head of highlights and a trim) Dad would casually turn up on our doorstep, unannounced, stating he thought he'd come and wait at our house while his partner was getting her hair done ....... and bang goes our Saturday afternoon!!

I love my Dad dearly, but DH works five long days plus Saturday mornings, and Saturday afternoon is 'quality time' for us. So we tried the age-old tactic of keeping our coats near the door, so if he did spring a Saturday Arrival on us, we could grab our coats as we answered the door, and say we were just going out!

Sparrowlegs248 · 22/10/2015 14:40

I don't think its cultural or how you were raised as suggested by a pp. My mum and dsis are both perfectly happy to have impromptu visitors. Mum lives it. I hate it. I could go to my mum house with 5 friends out of the blue and she would pop the kettle on and rustle up a meal/wine and thoroughly enjoy herself. If someone did that to me i'd be mighty pissd off.

I'm on maternity leave atm which people think means I have sod all to do and am sitting around waiting and hoping for visitors. I'm not! A childless friend called in unannounced when the baby was less than two weeks old. Just as I was about to go upstairs for us both to have a sleep in the afternoon. Told me to put the kettle on. And stayed for over an hour.

I might start locking the door.

BrandNewAndImproved · 22/10/2015 14:45

I hate people coming round without letting me know.

I don't really get dressed if I'm not going anywhere so someone coming around when I'm in my pyjamas, unbrushed teeth, messy hair makes me uncomfortable.

almostenglish · 22/10/2015 15:12

I think it 's common here for people to want notice, it must be a cultural thing. We can't tell you whether you're right or not OP, that's how you feel.

I'm quite tidy and my love house to be in order, unfortunately the rest of the household is pretty messy so it never really looks amazing. So if we had people coming unannounced, part of me would be horrified for 5 min and the rest of me would be fuzzy with delight that the people had thought about us and stopped to say hello.

This is how I grew up, which is why I think it 's cultural. Our house was always open to friends, neighbours and family (not literally open, if people don't answer the door you absolutely CANNOT let yourself in!!). We regularly had people stopping late afternoon and then staying for dinner or stopping late morning and stating for an aperitif. That was normal back then and still is to my parents. I miss it dearly and wish people dropped by more often.

DH won't even call his dad past 8.30pm as it would be rude apparently. How can it be rude? It's your dad and if he's busy he doesn't have to pick up, it 's a mobile, he can see who it is!

If my relatives had the key to our house I wouldn't expect them to knock, what's the point of the key then?!

I hope when my kids grow up that they will bring lots of friends round at no notice, I'll make them lots of food and they can go off again feeling like this is a nice comforting place to be. I hope when they're adults they'll want to come and see us with their for no particular reason and won't feel the need to book several weeks in advance.

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