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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want some notice if someone is coming round?

138 replies

Rubberduckies · 20/10/2015 23:28

I don't mind anyone coming round to our house, but am I being unreasonable to expect to know they're coming beforehand ?

I don't need much notice, a text to say 'just popping round, be there in 10mins' would be fine. I would prefer them to ask rather than assume it's ok, but hey, I think I'm a reasonable person!

What I really dislike, is cooking dinner, or busy doing something, or just relaxing and someone knocking on the door because 'I was just passing'

So wise mners, AIBU?

OP posts:
Pinot4me · 21/10/2015 13:19

RaspberryOverload - what could I do?! It was dark, they had kids with them and they'd travelled 200 miles....I still cringe when I think about it lol...
I had to let them stay but told them that it was a pretty daft thing to do....hubbie had work on the Saturday (it was his sister and her family) and we were due to go out on the Sat night and had a babysitter planned etc...
I spent my Friday night dragging spare bedding out etc to accommodate them. They honestly thought we'd be pleased! Weird!

vdbfamily · 21/10/2015 13:23

I grew up in a family where people popped by all the time and the kettle was always on.We had a big extended family,many local and my gran lived with us so uncles/aunts/cousins came and went. I love it when people turn up unexpectedly. There can be no expectations of fresh cake and tidy house so they have to make do with a cuppa and a chat generally. If I have imminent plans I will drop that into the conversation early on so they know the timescale. I often visit friends unannounced and I have a key to my parents house and we go when we like. If they are not in we put the kettle on, walk the dog and await their return. Often we turn up mid afternoon Sunday and mum will defrost a loaf of bread and some frozen cake she has made and we will all have tea together. It is either normal for people or not. My 3 brothers are all the same and happy to drop in or be dropped in on. Hospitality is very underrated these days.

trollkonor · 21/10/2015 13:24

That is so wierd Pinot

DontHaveAUsername · 21/10/2015 13:26

I am fine with people coming round without warning. Provided it's people I like lol

Fuckingfuming82 · 21/10/2015 13:29

I hate poppers in. My bil turns up at any hour when he feels like it.

JohnCusacksWife · 21/10/2015 13:39

It is not compulsory to answer a door, or a phone for that matter

I didn't say it's compulsory. I just think it's a bit unusual and, that's all. If I hadn't answered our door the other day I'd have missed my lovely neighbour handing in lots of surplus home grown stuff from his garden. A knock at the door doesn't always have to be bad.

DontHaveAUsername · 21/10/2015 14:06

Cutbacks it is a little bit strange yes. You wonder why if they aren't up for visitors, they don't just answer the door and explain that to the person.

Original poster
Rubberduckies · 21/10/2015 14:20

Phew I'm glad that the general consensus is that I'm not unreasonable! It is DPs mother, which seems to be a fairly common problem! DP has told her that I'd prefer a text before she pops in, and suddenly I've turned into the bitch who forced her son to move out and now won't let her visit him.......Hmm

I can now stick to my guns, safe in he knowledge that many other people think it's normal. Thank you!

OP posts:
Bloomsberry · 21/10/2015 14:21

I had exactly the same upbringing as VDb - people continually dropping by, a house where no one ever rang at the front door but just came straight round the back to the kitchen - and it was completely miserable for a child, rather than some idyllic neighbourly/familial funfest.

The house was tiny and overcrowded (a cottage where all the rooms led out of one another) even with just us there, there was no privacy, there was never anywhere to do your homework in peace, and my parents were afraid of 'what people would think' if they ever said it wasn't a good time or asked people to use the front door, and as a result we had a weekly succession of lonely elderly men showing up expecting dinner and staying all night.

It's made me an adult who doesn't encourage 'popping in' and who doesn't answer the door unless I feel like it. And I make no apology for it. Open house doesn't work for me.

janethegirl2 · 21/10/2015 14:23

If people turn up unexpectedly, and I have plans I either can't change or do not want to change, I tell them that now is not suitable.
I generally don't mind people dropping in as long as they understand I may not be able to host them.
If the house is a tip and they comment, I tend to tell them to get on with it....

victoria1987 · 21/10/2015 16:31

I don't like not having warning! I usually get a 15 minute warning from my MIL - a facebook message of I'm on the bus - prompting a massive rush round of toys away, cups into the kitchen!! I'd say at least half hour is good, and under is enter panic stations! Not being unreasonable in the slightest OP!

dorisdog · 21/10/2015 16:38

I have a bit of an open door policy with my friends (and so do they, mainly). Knock and walk in. On the other hand they make their own tea/coffee, I don't even have to get up off the sofa, or stop working, or whatever. I'm also pretty good at "I'm in the middle of something now/want to be my own for a bit/let's hang out another day/time." We all live nearby each other, though, in an exceptionally low crime area, so mostly our doors are open.

Not for everyone, though, judging by this thread. But I like it.

PrettyPirate · 21/10/2015 16:39

I wish all my friends would feel like they can pop in any time they want. No need to phone/text. If I'm in a hurry or tired or have got plans, I still have time for 5-10 mins chat.

It's definitely cultural thing. I don't understand English politeness and constant 'sorry my house is a mess' even when the coffee morning has been planned two months ago. I don't care!!! I'm your friend because I like you, not how often do you fancy cleaning your house, even if it's once a year.

But living in UK has taught me not to visit friends without a notice. I guess I'm now polite.

PrettyPirate · 21/10/2015 16:42

I wish all my friends would feel like they can pop in any time they want. No need to phone/text. If I'm in a hurry or tired or have got plans, I still have time for 5-10 mins chat.

It's definitely cultural thing. I don't understand English politeness and constant 'sorry my house is a mess' even when the coffee morning has been planned two months ago. I don't care!!! I'm your friend because I like you, not how often do you fancy cleaning your house, even if it's once a year.

But living in UK has taught me not to visit friends without a notice. I guess I'm now polite.

dorisdog · 21/10/2015 16:46

However, I don't think anyone should expect to be able to drop round someone's house and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Me and friends do it because we can be very honest with each other, and it's evolved that way. I'd feel different if it was family tbh, or people I didn't know so well.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 21/10/2015 16:54

YANBU. I personally detest people just showing up. Even my DH knows to text me if he's going to pop in with a colleague. I need time to get my face on!! and if I know in advance someone is going to call in, I would make sure I don't do a poo in the downstairs loo

CruCru · 21/10/2015 17:03

I don't require a lot of notice but I like someone to text to check it's okay before swinging by. If I have my one bit of childfree time, I don't want to spend it with someone else's kids.

Pinot That would have driven me crackers. What if you'd already had guests staying and there literally was nowhere to put them?

BasinHaircut · 21/10/2015 17:12

How often does this popping in have to happen to make it a problem?

I get how annoying it can be to lose time when you wanted to get something done, and I get that some people like to make their homes a bit more presentable if they have company, but if it's a engine visitor and not MIL who you see all the time and lives down the road, then surely on balance its nice to get a surprise visitor?

My issue isn't the lack of notice, but the inability of some guests to take a hint of when it's time to leave!

Norest · 21/10/2015 17:18

In agreement OP. I dislike people just 'popping in'. I like to know who is visiting and when. But then I can be an insular, introverted thing, me Grin

neveramorningperson · 21/10/2015 17:27

Of course it's rude!

I might need time to make the house a bit more civilised, clean the toilets (too many boys, sometimes SOMETIMES I only get around to do it once before bath time, sue me), remove the bleach from my moustache , remove the hair dye from my head !

I might have other friends around, and we wanted to bitch catch up about life and stuff, not entertain other people

I might have an urgent work assignment and want some peace

of course, I don't always open the door, but as my car is in the drive and the dogs outside, it is awkward as it is very obvious that I am at home!

It must depends where you live, it was considered very rude even before my time, my grand mother hated that sort of things

trian · 21/10/2015 17:32

i am one of those people who will knock on close friends and relatives doors because i was "just passing". I fully expect to be told "oh, I'm just in the middle of something at the mo..." at which point i'll say "no bother, I'll catch you another time" and that's that.
My life is very busy, for horrible, stressful reasons a lot of the time. The only way i can feasibly keep in touch with some people is to knock on when I'm just passing. I want my relatives who are children to know that I care about them and this is the only way to do it most of the time as they're too young for facebook etc.

NeverNic · 21/10/2015 19:28

My in laws are 'walk in' people. I still find it weird and if on my own will still insist on knocking first before letting myself in (even though I'm expected). I've been caught out a few times, but second time around on mat leave I'm more organised and will be dressed and have a reasonably tidy house. I'm more prepared for impromptu guests. That said I won't answer if I'm not dressed.10mins is nice though. I would use the time to put some make up on, clear the kitchen sides and stairs and bleach the toilets. A bit more notice and I'll hoover.

4boysnagirl · 21/10/2015 19:28

I made it clear when I had my first son that unexpected visitors are not welcome. Nobody should come to one's house without an invitation, homes are private not public space, it's our decision when to host, not when convenient for them.

imwithspud · 21/10/2015 19:38

YANBU I can't abide unexpected visitors, it really sets me on edge and they usually come at a time where the house is a mess and I just want to sit down and slob out relax in front of the tv.

I'll never forget the time PIL 'popped round' when DD2 was 3 weeks old. We'd all been out for the morning and I was tired and looking forward to a sit down, possibly a nap whilst DP looked after the DD's for an hour. But no, literally 5 minutes after we arrive home they pull up outside the house and let themselves in. Now I understand that they were in the area and they wanted to see their grandchildren, but would really have been so hard for them to at least called in advance? At least then it would have given me a chance to get my head in the right place and have a quick tidy up. They ended up staying for a couple of hours, refused to make their own drinks when DP suggested they were welcome to and needless to say I was obviously pissed off with the situation.

No I think it's rude to pop round unannounced, fair enough if it's a flying visit, you're dropping something off or it's an emergency - that I have no problem with. But to expect to stay and be entertained at the drop of a hat is rude.

MamaBolt · 21/10/2015 19:39

If I was passing by someone's house I might try them on the off-chance... I probably wouldn't hang around for ages though

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