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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want some notice if someone is coming round?

138 replies

Rubberduckies · 20/10/2015 23:28

I don't mind anyone coming round to our house, but am I being unreasonable to expect to know they're coming beforehand ?

I don't need much notice, a text to say 'just popping round, be there in 10mins' would be fine. I would prefer them to ask rather than assume it's ok, but hey, I think I'm a reasonable person!

What I really dislike, is cooking dinner, or busy doing something, or just relaxing and someone knocking on the door because 'I was just passing'

So wise mners, AIBU?

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 21/10/2015 01:05

I think a lot of people are like us, Smiling.

80sMum · 21/10/2015 01:11

I don't listen unexpected visitors either. I prefer about a month's notice!

Senpai · 21/10/2015 01:23

But what would you do with a ten-minute warning?

Mentally prepare and slowly stop what I'm doing. 10 minutes gives me time to stop what I'm doing and switch gears instead of being a cranky bitch too preoccupied to listen or visit. I have a toddler that makes me stop what I'm doing abruptly as it is, I have no patience for adults who do it. Although, I make exceptions for people I like enough certain friends.

Generally though, 10 minutes is all I need personally. I'm perfectly happy to have spontaneous company. If I want more time to actually do something I tell them to wait 30 minutes.

Also, my doors are locked. No one can get in unless I let them. Last time I forgot to lock them, the mail man walked in because she had a package. Got a bit snippy, and now she won't even ring the door bell leaving me to guess if I got something on my porch or not.

thebartenderandthethief · 21/10/2015 03:51

My MIL does this to my SIL on a regular basis. I hear all about it. They live close to each other and she think nothing of popping in with her pals of an evening to see her grandson.

She did it to me once. It was 9.30am, I was still in my pjs (mat leave) and the house was a bombsite. My horror at seeing her on the doorstep (I assumed it was the postie with a parcel) must have been so apparent that she's never done it again! (my SIL is one of those annoying types with a permanently tidy house so while she inwardly seethes I doubt there's an outward panic when she sees MIL on the doorstep )

TheBouquets · 21/10/2015 05:00

I think this is one of the reasons society is so fractured today. Years ago and before my time really, neighbours were friendly and doors were left unlocked apart from overnight. Relatives visited each other at homes and met with other relatives while visiting. I assume there would be gossips who judged on the time the washing went out or when the curtains were opened. It just sounds to me at least that it was a friendlier way of life than what we have today with relatives moving all over the country and all over the world, neighbours who have lived next door to each other for 10 years and have never said a word to each other.

I sometimes have a carload of people arrive at my house with 10 minutes notice and that is fine. I don't mind. What I hate is watching the neighbours who leave for work or to take the children to school and never even look at each other. I don't know why one adult cant accompany all the children going to the same school rather than all these mums (usually) totally ignoring each other.
It is quite unfriendly to my eyes

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 21/10/2015 07:11

When my MIL comes to stay DH gives her a key as she just comes and goes throughtout the day, may come back while I'm out and be unable to get in. It drives me crazy that she just comes walking through the door with no notice. If it was me and I had the key to someone's house I'd still knock or ring the bell, and I'd only let myself in if I was certain they were out.

I find this absolutely extraordinary. You give someone a key and expect them not to use it? We give the ILs a key when they are here and they give us one when we're at their house, precisely so we can use them, they're family, not rsndom strangers. I would think it very strange if having given them a key they didn't use it, if they're staying here they are more than welcome to come and go as they please.

Bunbaker · 21/10/2015 07:21

I agree WhoKnows.

"without exception the people who do this are either socially defunct or are controlling types who like to catch you off guard"

No they aren't. You sound a little uptight about this. We don't get many random callers. Just very occasionally my best friend will call in if she is passing. She leads a very busy and not very happy life at the moment and if I can't spare five minutes to listen to her woes I'm not much of a friend.

She never outstays her welcome either.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 21/10/2015 07:58

"without exception the people who do this are either socially defunct or are controlling types who like to catch you off guard"

No, they're just normal. I think anyone who is so uptight about the occasional guest calling in is the ine who is socially defunct. If it's not convenient to let them in, just say so and chat on the doorstep for a moment.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 21/10/2015 08:02

YANBU. It's rude.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 21/10/2015 08:10

I think it's rude to just turn up with no warning.
It's rude because the few people I have known to do this also expect that whatever is going on in to just stop for them, no matter what it is. It's selfish.
Ok, if you're dropping something round to a neighbours or just passing, a quick hello is one thing, but it's the people who turn up with no warning, expect to be able to come in, be fed and watered and completely disrupt any plans I may have that really really annoy me.

PennyHasNoSurname · 21/10/2015 08:13

My DM has an open house. Literally all and sundry pop in throughout the week, and she buys a new kettle every year as it just gets worn out. She should run it like a bloody community centre

I am the polar opposite. Unless Im expecting someone I dont answer the door. I need prior warning, not for anything other than a cursory tidy round and time toput my bra on

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 21/10/2015 08:22

I don't like it at all. You are either putting the dinner on , which needs to be put on, or just getting a few minutes peace that you have longed for all day, or something else that means a visitor is the last thing on earth you want.

nightmarehair · 21/10/2015 08:24

It's rude, unless it's a delivery I don't answer the door unless I'm expecting someone. People that know me know this and text/ring beforehand.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 21/10/2015 08:30

YANBU I don't insist on doing a deep clean before visitors but a 30 min warning would let me get things to a state where I'm not embarrassed to invite them in.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/10/2015 08:41

I find this absolutely extraordinary. You give someone a key and expect them not to use it?

I have a key to DSis's house for emergencies and to check on her house if needed when she's away. When I'm visiting her I always knock. It's polite, surely?

anotherbusymum14 · 21/10/2015 08:46

Lol. I hear the genuine concerns from people but I have to say this is cultural IMO. If you are raised to expect notice from people and need time to prepare you will. Raised Down Under we were a bit more used to having unexpected guests. It's pretty much "take us as you find us", less airs and graces. Lol. it's not everyone's cup of tea for sure, but it can work :)))

ohtheholidays · 21/10/2015 08:48

No YANBU,I like some notice as well.The same as with you we usually have people call round when were right in the middle of something.

We have 5DC as well so people should know that there's every chance were going to be busy.

The amount of times I've had someone pop round without checking and we've been out either visiting someone or out for the whole day and then the person that just popped by usually rings me up to complain that I wasn't in.I feel like saying No shit Sherlock(I never would though)that's why I've asked you to text or ring in the past to check that were actually in so you don't have a waisted journey.

My Best friend and her OH of all people are the worst for this and I'm seriously ill and disabled and she knows that alot of the time now I'll either be too ill for a visit or I'll be sleeping because of my bad health.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 21/10/2015 08:55

I have a key to DSis's house for emergencies and to check on her house if needed when she's away. When I'm visiting her I always knock. It's polite, surely? - yes when you first turn up, but not if you are staying there already.

Crabbitface · 21/10/2015 09:07

But what would you do with a ten-minute warning?

Bloomsbury Put on a bra. MIL turned up unannounced the other day, luckily I spotted her on the drive and had a two minute window to get my boobs under control.

CrumbledFeta · 21/10/2015 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RB68 · 21/10/2015 09:21

I think it depends. If they don't know you too well a quick call or message is good IF they expect to come in - if its a pop with a question or drop something off etc then fine. But if they are expecting a cuppa etc it would be good. If they know you well and you have been buddies for 20 yrs and you have been through ups and downs they can pop but they take you as they find you and neither of you mind. Family fall into similar categories as some you are obviously closer to that others so same applies really. Our neighbours on our whole little street (7 houses) are welcome to pop to the door anytime, if we are decent (generally are we work from home and try and maintain some semblance of work time etc) but I may or may not ask them in depending. They even bring their baked potatoes round to pop in my Aga occasionally!

AnneElliott · 21/10/2015 09:27

We have a friend who has an open house- we nick name it Charing Cross Station as there are always people coming and going. I love it though, and I know I can turn up whenever and tea and cake will be offered.

SaucyJack · 21/10/2015 09:31

YANBU.

There's really no excuse for it whatsoever. Everyone has a mobile these days. Takes 10 secs to send a text to say you're thinking of dropping round later.

Onthepigsback · 21/10/2015 09:34

I love when people just rock up!

HoweyWoloWizard · 21/10/2015 09:39

Yadnbu. I had a thread under a different name about this recently, my ils kept walking into my house (unlocking it with spare key) while I'd just had a baby and was trying to establish bf. 9 times out of 10 we'd be doing skin to skin so I'd have no top on! It infuriated me so dh had a word and they don't do it. They used to pop in on their way home from work, before dh got home. So I said if they rang ahead I'd be able to at least put a top on. They haven't been other than a weekend since . So all in all yanbu and turning up unannounced expecting to be entertained is rude.

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