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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you go to this wedding ? need to rsvp by Friday and can't make a decision

156 replies

olaflikeswarmhugs · 20/10/2015 18:31

Group of 5 girls I've been friends since we all worked together in our teens. One of them is getting married and the other 3 are bridesmaids.

I'm invited all day but DH is only invited in the evening. I don't know one other person who is going so I will have to hang around myself after the ceremony, I'll be sitting myself with a group of strangers during the meal and then again hanging around myself after the meal until the evening bit starts.

Just to add it's at Christmas time and I'll have to drive down a dangerous coastal road in the middle of winter at 35 weeks pregnant.

But on the other hand I felt it's incredibly rude not to go and they didn't have partners at my wedding but they came as a group not as one individual on their own.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/10/2015 14:18

Tight numbers but didn't want to be seen to be snubbing him entirely?

As I said before, you have good enough reason to decline on the grounds of your pregnancy, IMO. So use that as your excuse, that and the fact that your DH won't be able to be with you, and he might need to be.

Muckogy · 21/10/2015 14:30

you're overthinking this.
i'll bet they are not giving you a fraction of the same consideration.
it's still a 'no' from me.
if you go, they'll barely acknowledge that you're there anyway so why go out of your way?

BlackeyedSusan · 21/10/2015 14:34

by about 35 weeks I was finding driving with the bump a bit difficult. it sort of got in the way and after that time, I could not properly access the brake and clutch...

as I got nearer to the due date I was attached by an invisible string to a short radius around the hospital...

pregnancy is enough of an excuse. use it if you want.

PingpongDingDong · 21/10/2015 14:48

You'd look a bit petty if you weren't heavily pregnant and the wedding wasn't quite a journey and if your partner was also invited all day. As it is you don't look petty at all. I'd decline.

expatinscotland · 21/10/2015 14:50

'I want to decline but do I then look like the bitch who threw her toys out the pram? '

No. And aside from that, these bitches don't even care. They really don't. I'd decline now.

celtictoast · 21/10/2015 14:55

If you decline politely there is nothing wrong with that at all and no-one will think any the worse of you. Plan something else nice to do that day instead Smile

itsmine · 21/10/2015 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 21/10/2015 15:23

I have been to dozens of weddings, and I have NEVER EVER received an invite that puts one of us into the "day" category and the other in the less important "evening" category. It's preposterous!!

Maybe this would be Ok, if you were in a brand new relationship, like a few weeks in, but you're fecking married!

I would NOT go to the day alone. I'd be really pissed off that Bridezilla even issued this kind of invite. I would tell her that you are a couple and you'll attend together or not at all.

Did the Bridemaids partners get invited??!!

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 21/10/2015 15:31

Two of the BM are single. One is married and he will definitely be invited they socialise together AFAIK. We did have a culture within our group of going to things as a group rather than as couples but because the other girls are BMs I would have thought she would have had the decency to invite DH for company for me.

He has an unsociable job so with it being Christmas it was iffy whether he would get to come so when I heard the other girls were BMs I spoke to DH and he promised to make sure he got it off.

Then he bloody didn't even get invited !!!Confused

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 21/10/2015 15:36

Exactly Beach - and it's hard to think of an event you'd more want to attend as a couple than being 35 weeks pregnant at a friend's wedding where you don't know many people

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 21/10/2015 15:51

I want to decline but do I then look like the bitch who threw her toys out the pram?

Not in my opinion, but if you did, does it really matter when the couple haven't given any consideration to your circumstances?

Just do whatever you want to do, whatever you feel comfortable with.

I'm one of the least concerned about pregnancy and was out the night before one DC was born the next lunch time and very very busy on the day that another turned out to be born the same night, but if I was invited to go that distance alone and DH hadn't been invited similarly, I very much doubt I'd accept. The non inclusion and lack of thought for your situation would make mine an easy decision.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 21/10/2015 15:53

Maybe the friendship has run it's course? What I struggle with here, is that she has placed your DH in a lower category of guest. She knows you're going to be heavily pregnant and she's not concerned about you a) driving alone on a dodgy road mid winter, or b) being alone all day. I suspect BM's will be on top table, so you'll be with a bunch of strangers all day.

Perhaps attend with DH in the evening, just to wish her well and to accidentally spill some red wine on her wedding dress

Jux · 21/10/2015 16:47

I wouldn't go, but I would send a really nice card/telegram wishing them every wondrous thing possible, saying how sad you are to miss it etc etc etc, lay it on thick, and ensure you mention the late-term pg (but don't be specific as there will always be someone wandering about saying "well I was still working as a lumberjack in below zero temperatures with 25ft of snow on the ground in the middle of the wilderness in Canada, when I was at 40wks, and no hospital for 250 miles"), but late-term pg should be enough for most people to completely understand your absence. Send it very definitely from both of you, and children (if you already have them).

expatinscotland · 21/10/2015 16:52

Has she asked for cash gifts?

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 21/10/2015 16:54

The best thing about late pregnancy is that you always have an excuse not to do stuff!

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 21/10/2015 17:43

Yes expat she has! Cash contribution to honeymoon poem on the invitation. A MN fave Grin

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/10/2015 18:10

Of course she has! I wouldn't give her a bean. Just politely decline - too pregnant - and send her a nice card. The way they have behaved, honestly, it's a dealbreaker.

itsmine · 21/10/2015 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Duckdeamon · 21/10/2015 18:56

Expat has just helped put the tin lid on it Grin

Duckdeamon · 21/10/2015 18:57

How about you decline with another MN wedding fave, a poem?

honeyroar · 21/10/2015 19:27

Send a lovely card and print off of this thread. That should sort it!

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 21/10/2015 20:09

OK so I'm convinced I should decline.

Pregnancy as excuse?

OP posts:
Rachel0Greep · 21/10/2015 20:32

Honestly, I wouldn't bother with an excuse.

Duckdeamon · 21/10/2015 20:35

Yes, pregnancy best excuse (if you offer one).

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/10/2015 20:43

If you want to keep the friendship, you need an excuse. Pregnancy. (Or more controversially your Dh was pissed off and didn't appreciate not being invited....))

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