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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you go to this wedding ? need to rsvp by Friday and can't make a decision

156 replies

olaflikeswarmhugs · 20/10/2015 18:31

Group of 5 girls I've been friends since we all worked together in our teens. One of them is getting married and the other 3 are bridesmaids.

I'm invited all day but DH is only invited in the evening. I don't know one other person who is going so I will have to hang around myself after the ceremony, I'll be sitting myself with a group of strangers during the meal and then again hanging around myself after the meal until the evening bit starts.

Just to add it's at Christmas time and I'll have to drive down a dangerous coastal road in the middle of winter at 35 weeks pregnant.

But on the other hand I felt it's incredibly rude not to go and they didn't have partners at my wedding but they came as a group not as one individual on their own.

OP posts:
grumpysquash · 20/10/2015 23:57

No! Just don't!

If your relationship with the bride is such that you're obliged, I would accept now and then (importantly, with quite a bit of notice) withdraw on the grounds that 'midwife doesn't recommend going away' or 'problem X means I unfortunately can't come now'.

You can find a way out without blowing out the friendship.

My (honestly) very good friend - best friend from uni - didn't make my wedding which would have been an hour away on good roads because of a (real) midwife recommendation. She would have been 32 weeks. We are still really good friends 15 years later and her DD is amazing :)

grumpysquash · 20/10/2015 23:58

Oh, and just to add, I didn't mind, I completely understood.
If your friend is really a friend, she will too.

rainbowstardrops · 21/10/2015 06:22

I just think you should speak to the bride and say that as you'll be 35 weeks pregnant then + the fact you'll have to drive (in the winter) then you're gutted to say you can only make the evening do when DH can drive you. See what she says

ihateminecraft · 21/10/2015 06:36

No way would I accept all day, even if I wasn't 35 weeks pregnant. Accept the evening if you want which you can back out of nearer the time if necessary.

ConfusedInBath · 21/10/2015 06:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ISpidersmanYouMeanPirate · 21/10/2015 06:44

I Wouldn't go

Jeffreythegiraffe · 21/10/2015 07:17

OP are you not the person who found out about the others being bridesmaids through Facebook and then went on a night out with them all and the bride has specifically told them all not to mention the wedding in front of you?

If not then this is very similar.

BalloonSlayer · 21/10/2015 07:22

TBH I think the "driving along a coastal road at 35 weeks pregnant near Christmas" is a bit lame. Will being 35 weeks pregnant make you less able to control your car?

You will be able to socialise with the bridesmaids. A lot. Just not during the meal when, I assume, they will be on the top table.

I agree I think it is really crap and rude only inviting your DH for the evening. Who does that? (But is it so he can look after your DS and you don't have to find childcare for a whole day? Maybe she thinks she is being helpful?) Well, I think you could easily turn it down on the basis of it being too difficult for the pair of you to attend with him only being invited to the evening, so you are both declining, have a lovely day, we'll raise a glass to you!

But don't mention the coast road thing. It puts me in mind of that bit in Malory Towers, with you seeing yourself desperately clinging onto the weeds on a crumbling cliff path, whereas in reality you'd be driving along in a nice warm car in a temperate climate.

Shockers · 21/10/2015 07:26

If you go for the whole day, your DH will have to take a separate car, which means you'll be driving home alone too.

I would go and watch the ceremony, then go home and do something nice with your DH. Forget the other bits.

prettybird · 21/10/2015 08:00

Come back and tell us on the day what the weather is like whether or not you decide to go Wink

Duckdeamon · 21/10/2015 08:06

You seen like you don't want to go, so don't go.

At such a late stage of pregnancy I wouldn't fancy all that travel and expense for a day do without DH if I knew few people and certainly not just for an evening.

QueenPotato · 21/10/2015 08:17

Balloonslayer not everyone is that confident about driving!

I never travel for Christmas / New Year if I can possibly avoid it, because I hate the idea of slithering around on ice or getting stuck somewhere. And the storms we've had in recent years suggest a coast road is not always a safe place at all. Add in pregnancy tiredness and worry (for some people) and I can totally see why it doesn't look appealing.

FishWithABicycle · 21/10/2015 08:38

I had a minor car accident when I was about 35 weeks. My brain was fuzzy as I'd been sleeping badly due to being so large (and possibly hormones too). I made a silly error and it was entirely my fault but I stopped driving until several weeks after my baby was born from that point (a colleague gave me lifts to work).

I did go to a family wedding when I was 34 week pregnant. I was worried about how I would manage but everyone was lovely about making sure I always had somewhere to sit during the standing-around bits. Nevertheless I was exhausted by 9pm and went home long before the end.

I wouldn't go under your circs OP. I would only go if DP was there at all times to whisk me back home (or, in the event of labour, to hospital). I don't think 45 mins is a ridiculous distance from hospital from a safety point of view so that's not an issue but being on your own if you need to get out of there isn't a good idea, and neither is driving along on unfamiliar rural roads in the dark when that late in pregnancy.

MrsMook · 21/10/2015 08:42

I wouldn't want to drive in those conditions at 35 weeks. By that stage I'm knackered and in a lot of pain, and desperate for the newborn stage so I can.actually get some sleep in indulgent blocks of two hours at a time. Pregnancy definitely affects my concentration at driving.

I'd go for the evening with DH.

The other bridesmaids will be busy at times like hanging around for photos.

Helloitsme15 · 21/10/2015 09:08

I went to the wedding of a university friend by myself (no plus 1) when I knew no-one apart from the bride and groom. I sat by myself in church, had to wait by myself during the photos and for the food was put on a table in a far corner with couples who had kids, no other singletons. I was put at one end (facing a wall) with kids all around me while the couples sat at the other end and chatted. It was miserable.
I wouldn't do it again!

NinaSimoneful · 21/10/2015 09:12

Are you BridesNayed?

If so this was the original thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2427235--to-be-hurt-by-not-being-asked-to-be-bridesmaid?pg=1&order=

Also, if this is you I wouldn't be going to the wedding at all, pregnant or not!

MrsJayy · 21/10/2015 09:14

Oh gawd the kids table that sounds miserable

JugglingFromHereToThere · 21/10/2015 11:28

Go to the evening do with DH, see your friends, and have a good evening out!

With DH a 45 min drive wouldn't be too bad?

Basically I think you need to look at it more from your own POV
What might be nice for you?!

Vagndidit · 21/10/2015 11:40

I honestly wouldn't give the situation a second thought, and politely decline. Hell, even if not heavily pregnant I'd probably decline the invitation knowing that DP was snubbed for most of the event.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/10/2015 11:45

I would decline the daytime invitation at this point, and say that you will attend the evening only if your DH is able to accompany you.
Driving yourself at 35w pg, while obviously not impossible, isn't ideal, especially on the road you've described - I just wouldn't take the risk.

You have the perfect "excuse" - you don't want to travel by yourself in the condition you will be in, so it's nothing to do with anything other than needing your DH to be with you, and his work shifts might preclude that from happening, so you can't even say for definite that you'll be there at the evening do, although you will try to be.

expatinscotland · 21/10/2015 11:59

Imagine driving nearly 2 hours just for an evening do. The DH drives and he can't drink, either. Fuck that. Your friends sound like dicks, too.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 21/10/2015 12:06

"just for an evening do" could be pleasant though? Might be less tiring than going all day anyway? Weddings can drag on endlessly these days - especially when organised by bridezillas?! And sounds like OP would quite like to see her friends and wish the couple well on their wedding day? heaven knows how she is so patient with them all though

expatinscotland · 21/10/2015 12:22

Pleasant? With those dickheads for friends/bride? Sounds like the OP's scales are falling from her eyes about how rude her friends are. She doesn't sound keen on going all that way just for an evening do after they snubbed her husband.

CrapBag · 21/10/2015 12:30

I don't know about your previous thread, I don't think you are the one I was thinking of as her DH (and brides goddaughter) wasn't invited at all.

On the basis of this thread, no I wouldn't go. I wouldn't want to drive coastal roads, by myself, in the dark and especially not when I was heavily pregnant.

I wouldn't want to spend the day hanging around by myself, sat with a load of strangers.

I wouldn't be happy that my DH had to then arrive separately later on, leaving 2 cars to drive home?

They seem to have really left you out of a group thing so personally I have no time for people like this.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 21/10/2015 13:49

No that's not me Nina that poor OP got it worse than me Sad

DH would need to get a lift down as we only have one car. They have arranged a bus for evening guests (but weirdly not for day guests) but there's no way DH would get on a party bus himself.

Tbh though I don't think DH will go now. He said he'd be better not getting invited at all an evening invite seems like it's given begrudgingly iyswim?

I want to decline but do I then look like the bitch who threw her toys out the pram?

What I don't get though is why she actually did bother to invite DH at night ? I mean it doesn't matter whether he's there or not at night, but during the day it does . It's not very well thought out is it?

OP posts:
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