to think ds should cough up?

[snetterdee]

Background single mum with 2 DC at home aged 22 and 15, I'm not working at the moment due to mental health problems (serious stuff but getting better) supported eldest all through college paying travel and lunch money etc then to university where he didn't pay any expenses at home and used his maintenance grant and loans for his own needs.
He's now working in a fantastic job that took months for him to be able to start ,anyway now that he's working my rent paid by the council is (quite rightly) reduced so ds has to make up the difference (about £300) which he pays directly to the landlord, he is supposed to pay the shortfall in council tax too but fell lucky in that I had some money owed to me from the council and so I simply had it knocked off my council tax this year,anyway ds now will not pay anything at all into the house for food heating utilities washing ironing etc etc I even buy his deodorant and toothpaste.
His job is v well paid and I accept its his money he has learnt but he argues that as I'm not working I should be "grateful" and I understand he needed work wear but suits at over 300 a go and silk ties and shirts at nearly 30 each when I'm struggling surely is a kick in the teeth.....so aibu to ask for keep?

[ButterflyUpSoHigh]

I think the £300 he pays is more than enough. It doesn't sound like he is on lots of money.

Check with Citizens Advice you are getting all you are entitled to.

[ButterflyUpSoHigh]

I think the £300 he pays is more than enough. It doesn't sound like he is on lots of money.

Check with Citizens Advice you are getting all you are entitled to.

[StopLaughingDrRoss]

£300 from a paycheck of potentially £1,600 per month is enough is it, Butterfly? When his mum is struggling and has said even £150 more would make a massive difference - still leaving him with over £1k a month for himself!!

I think YANBU and need to talk to your DS. The suggestion to write it all down is a good one and will help you keep focused as he keeps arguing back. Good luck as I think you're going to need it

[Tummyclutter]

Car Loan, insurance, paying back uni loans too maybe?

Oh, that's right, we mustn't let our children enjoy their lives, or money until they have left home. up until then its all ours MWAHAHAHAHA!

[Grapejuicerocks]

Just stop arguing, there is no argument to be had."I've looked at the household expenses, and the numbers just don't work. I need you to either move out or start paying keep of £300 per month from the start of next month."

Change the £300 to £150 if you want but just keep repeating the above. You could start it with "I don't particularly want you to move out but..." and repeat

[minimalistaspirati0ns]

OP show him this thread. Email him a link

He sounds awful. Grinding down his vulnerable mother and buying expensive suits.

If his income is 1400 per month, 300 towards rent and 150 towards food/bills is appropriate.

Also I don't understand why a grown man doesn't know how to work the washing machine! Can he cook? Clean?

[minimalistaspirati0ns]

He's going to have 950 left if he pays OP and rent. That's lots!!! I wish I had a grand to play with every month

[minimalistaspirati0ns]

OP stop buying toothbrushes and deodorant for him. Just stop

[Tummyclutter]

No, OP THINKS he earns between £350 - £400 a week. Doesn't mean he does!

[ohtheholidays]

He calls you a drain on society.Kick his arse out!My God honestly my 5DC can be really hard work sometimes but if my oldest 2 DS 19 and 17 heard anyone talk to me in that way they're Dad would have to try and hold them back they'd go nuclear.

Our oldest works full time now and he pays us money every month,he moans at me and his Dad to take more of him,he also treats his 4 little brothers and sisters every month when he gets paid.He doesn't have to do the nice things he does for his siblings or me and his Dad but he does them anyways.

Your son needs to start respecting you OP and if he can't do that and do as you ask then tell him he can find somewhere else to live.He'll soon see how lucky he is when he works out how much it would cost for him to live alone it would be alot more than £300 a month.

[ohtheholidays]

He calls you a drain on society.Kick his arse out!My God honestly my 5DC can be really hard work sometimes but if my oldest 2 DS 19 and 17 heard anyone talk to me in that way they're Dad would have to try and hold them back they'd go nuclear.

Our oldest works full time now and he pays us money every month,he moans at me and his Dad to take more of him,he also treats his 4 little brothers and sisters every month when he gets paid.He doesn't have to do the nice things he does for his siblings or me and his Dad but he does them anyways.

Your son needs to start respecting you OP and if he can't do that and do as you ask then tell him he can find somewhere else to live.He'll soon see how lucky he is when he works out how much it would cost for him to live alone it would be alot more than £300 a month.

[unweavedrainbow]

What's he declaring to the dwp? I presume that they know what he is earning for certain. Is there any chance of an under/overpayment? Is his work secure?

[ohtheholidays]

Sorry never managed to double post before.Not sure how that happened

[unweavedrainbow]

What's he declaring to the dwp? I presume that they know what he is earning for certain. Is there any chance of an under/overpayment? Is his work secure?

[unweavedrainbow]

Oops sorry double post!

[missymayhemsmum]

Okay, there's what's fair, and what he can afford. What's fair is for him to pay 1/3 of the rent, bills, council tax and food, plus his own toiletries, clothes etc, while you pay from your benefits for yourself and DS2.
Forget about the HB shortfall, that's not his business.
If that's not affordable then you can negotiate (but not much)
He is not treating you with respect. He is also expecting you to provide for him out of benefits that are meant for the support of your 15 year old, which is not what a working adult should do.

[snetterdee]

Unweaved rainbow why does he have to declare it to the DWP? He pays tax and national insurance he works for a very reputable company there is nothing underhand.
His take home pay is 1500 + per month after tax,he doesn't drive,doesn't pay back a massive amount on his student loan which I'm assuming comes directly out of his wage and he has no debts,his money is used for clothes,taking gf out and travel and meals through work,he doesn't drink or smoke.
I actually feel like I'm under deep scrutiny all of a sudden and I never intended this thread to turn to this,I asked for opinions and am thankful to those of you that gave great advice and support to me xx

[snetterdee]

Arggghhh I understand why you asked now (penny dropped) my benefit is my ESA and child tax for youngest,his income is only taken into consideration for the rent as the DWP just assume as a non dependent he will pay his share

[Oswin]

Jesus I cant believe people are saying he's paying enough, and he's a child.
He's a man. I've been paying my own way since I had my first job and I would have been utterly ashamed of myself to treat my mom how ops son is treating her.
He calls you a drain on society?! Ffs. You need to start getting angry with him.
If he argues walk away. Tell him he pays for his food and toiletries or ge leaves. Don't take his shit.

Fgs I've been living alone since I was 17, why are people treating actual grown ups like children.

[MrsJayy]

He needs to give you set amount money a month he is earning tell him he either pays or leaves you cant afford his stuff anymore just say that. I know you are not well Atm but please stop making excuses for him he is a grown man

[ohtheholidays]

OP he's earning over twice a month what our son is earning and he gives us £200 a month,it's really not on that he only gives you £300.I would imagine that it's causing you real unnecessary stress.

If it was me I'd have a look online at places that your son would probably like to move into and then work out for him what his outgoings would be and show him.

Rent
Council Tax
Gas
Electric
Water Rates
Food
Phone line
Broadband
Sky/virgin if he'd expect to have that.
Mobile
House Insurance or Insurance on appliances in his property.

That's all before any money for work at food,going out,new clothes ect.

Make him see that would come to alot more than £300 and let it sink home for him just how lucky he is!

[ssd]

I feel for you, op, you've obviously worked hard and tried hard to help your ds get a better start than you had, education wise and it seems to be getting thrown back in your face just now

but maybe he just needs to grow up a bit and listen to mum a bit more, keep talking to him and hopefully he'll start to see a bit of sense soon...does his gf live at home? she sounds a bit entitled too..

[ohtheholidays]

OP he's earning over twice a month what our son is earning and he gives us £200 a month,it's really not on that he only gives you £300.I would imagine that it's causing you real unnecessary stress.

If it was me I'd have a look online at places that your son would probably like to move into and then work out for him what his outgoings would be and show him.

Rent
Council Tax
Gas
Electric
Water Rates
Food
Phone line
Broadband
Sky/virgin if he'd expect to have that.
Mobile
House Insurance or Insurance on appliances in his property.

That's all before any money for work at food,going out,new clothes ect.

Make him see that would come to alot more than £300 and let it sink home for him just how lucky he is!

[ohtheholidays]

OP he's earning over twice a month what our son is earning and he gives us £200 a month,it's really not on that he only gives you £300.I would imagine that it's causing you real unnecessary stress.

If it was me I'd have a look online at places that your son would probably like to move into and then work out for him what his outgoings would be and show him.

Rent
Council Tax
Gas
Electric
Water Rates
Food
Phone line
Broadband
Sky/virgin if he'd expect to have that.
Mobile
House Insurance or Insurance on appliances in his property.

That's all before any money for work at food,going out,new clothes ect.

Make him see that would come to alot more than £300 and let it sink home for him just how lucky he is!