to think ds should cough up?

[snetterdee]

Background single mum with 2 DC at home aged 22 and 15, I'm not working at the moment due to mental health problems (serious stuff but getting better) supported eldest all through college paying travel and lunch money etc then to university where he didn't pay any expenses at home and used his maintenance grant and loans for his own needs.
He's now working in a fantastic job that took months for him to be able to start ,anyway now that he's working my rent paid by the council is (quite rightly) reduced so ds has to make up the difference (about £300) which he pays directly to the landlord, he is supposed to pay the shortfall in council tax too but fell lucky in that I had some money owed to me from the council and so I simply had it knocked off my council tax this year,anyway ds now will not pay anything at all into the house for food heating utilities washing ironing etc etc I even buy his deodorant and toothpaste.
His job is v well paid and I accept its his money he has learnt but he argues that as I'm not working I should be "grateful" and I understand he needed work wear but suits at over 300 a go and silk ties and shirts at nearly 30 each when I'm struggling surely is a kick in the teeth.....so aibu to ask for keep?

[mumeeee]

He needs to be paying for his keep. A lot of youngsters don't get financial help or have driving lessons from their parents.
While we did help our DDs out with rent at university that was just in the academic year they all paid their own rent in the summer. All 3 of them can use the washing machine.

[snetterdee]

Catmilkman thank you x

[IjustGotmy2016diary]

So currently he pays £300 per month direct to the Landlord. How much more do you want him to then give you?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Your son is acting like a twat - whether it's because he is very self-centred or because he simply doesn't realise is not an issue here.

You need to ask him to leave op. You should not be being made to feel like this in your own home.

[Sansoora]

When you have a fucked up family there comes a time when you have to save yourself, and this time has come for you.

I know it will be very hard and upsetting but its time to do whats right for you, get your son to move on, and life your life according to the realities of your personal finances.

And just to add, Im not one of those people who's answer to things is to say - he's and adult now and should have moved out ages ago, but this situation is not good for you.

[bettyberry]

OP he is being a dick, im sorry to be so blunt but he is.

He is using your generosity so he can placate his GF with expensive gifts instead of telling her to wind her neck in for trying to sponge off you! He should stop spending on her and get his priorities right at home first - the bills/

IT is time he moved out. Your parental responsibility to him ended the day he turned 18. By that I mean financial responsibility. He would've had to either claim benefits in his own right or got a job. Either way that meant he had to pay his own way. This includes his share of rent, bills, food and paying for his own bloody hygiene products. If your DS wants expensive ones. Let him buy them. If he wants to use the dry cleaners. Let him. He will soon learn his money doesn't stretch that far.


FWIW I was living on my own at 15/16 getting a pittance - £45 a week - and still managed to pay rent, do my own washing AND by my own toiletries all whilst funding myself through my a-levels then through uni too.

[mumeeee]

He would be paying at least £300 in rent if he was living somewhere else and he would have food and bills to pay on top so at the moment is getting off very cheaply. DD2 is in a flat share and is paying £450 a month in rent.

[unweavedrainbow]

Do you get PIP? If you're unfit to work then you're almost definitely entitled and your cpn could help you fill the forms in. There's a lot of overlap between PIP and ESA and it would remove some of the financial pressure. PIP isn't means tested so your son's salary wouldn't make any difference.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I don't think he's the shit bully everyone else here seems to think"
I beg to differ CatMilkMan. As OP has said, "He's just very good at arguing his point, he grinds me down". He CHOOSES to grind down someone whose mental health currently prevents them from working. And "he asked me when I intended looking for work", so he's telling his mum to go back to work, a woman who has "just had an assessment and being found unfit" - so ensuring that she feels "like a failure as a mum now too"! I'd love to know what your definition of bullying is, if this little shit doesn't meet it.

His very presence as an earner in the household increases the outgoings for rent and council tax, but not only will he NOT meet those costs he expects to eat for free and have his laundry done and toiletries provided free. He's not only freeloading, he's freeloading on someone who genuinely cannot afford it, and he's grinding her down.

OP, I think your mental health will benefit with his departure. His clever-clever arguing that black is white is so close to gaslighting, making you feel responsible/guilty etc. Please please set him a deadline to leave, and make it soon.

[AuntMabel]

"when I say that if he wasn't here is have full rent entitlement he virtually calls me a drain on society"

Yet it's absolutely fine for him to continue to live in the same house draining your finances. Nice boy.

Tell him you cannot afford to keep subsidising him. He either pays you housekeeping (do you know how much he earns?) or he moves out.

Incidentally, I am from a two parent family, had no help with driving lessons, no help with house deposit, had to pay housekeeping as soon as I got a job until I moved out. Not sure why you think he is at a disadvantage because of this?

[snetterdee]

I get ESA Im not sure I'd get any other help because I'm hoping to be back in work by early next year and I kind of think pip is more long term which I can't afford to be tbh x

[BabyGanoush]

How awful OP

You've done everything to support him, for him to achieve a job and independence upon which he turns around and spits in your face.

he needs to move out.

Why the fuck should you be grateful?

What is this crap about not knowing how to use a washing machine and refusing to being shown?

Just don't fucking do his washing, his shopping, his cooking.

Woman, woman up!

Even though he is your much loved son, you cannot allow him to treat you in such a shitty manner.

[snetterdee]

He's quite coy about how much he earns but I think its about350-400 a week on take home pay (he's paid 4weekly)I'm not expecting to take all his money please don't think I'm a grabby cow but 150 a month would boost us a lot

[unweavedrainbow]

No, PIP is for people who have difficulties with day to day activities like eating and washing. If you have problems with motivation or concentration due to your mh condition or medication then you'll be entitled. You can get PIP while in work and it won't be affected if you go back to work. It would increase the amount of esa you get too. I would suggest that you put a claim in.

[snetterdee]

Unweavedrainbow thank you,I will look into it thank you

[Tummyclutter]

How much does he actually earn? Does he have to run a car? Presumably if he is on a good wage, then his uni loans will have to be repaid too.

I can't get over the amount of venom people spout on here towards children - yes I know 22 is not a child btw!!! Times are different now though. It is very difficult to gain independence. They didn't choose to be brought into this world. Unless, of course people are saying they specifically had them for financial support??!!

Theres more to teaching responsibility than demanding your children give you money. My Ds was up cleaning the gutters, mowing the grass and leaf blowing this weekend. I supply the clean bedding once a week, and he changes it. I don't work, so am happy to do all his ironing and cooking.

He sounds like a typical boy in his 20s to me. Just finding his way in the world. Girlfriends come and go.

Everything is so much more difficult when you have MH issues, I'm glad to see you say you are getting better, long may it continue

[FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes]

Tell him to buck up his bloody ideas and understand how lucky he is that you've supported him through all of his education!! He should be grateful not taking advantage!
If you asked him to leave he'd soon find out how expensive the real world is instead of living off mummy!!

[Homemadearmy]

Didn't you have to provide proof of his earnings to housing benefit? If his take home is between 350-400 may find they they deduct more from your housing benefit than the £75 per week that it is now.
I would sit him down and go through the figures with him. And explain that you can't afford to keep him unless he contributes to the household not just the rent.

[unweavedrainbow]

The thing is tummyclutter the OP is reliant on benefits due to ill health. When working out how much money to pay a claimant, the DWP takes into account the earnings/income of all adults in the household and lowers the amount that the claimant receives in benefits correspondingly. This means that the OP's DS is expected to contribute to the household-regardless of whether or not he runs a car or has to wine and dine his girlfriend. They don't care that he is "just a typical boy in his 20s". They don't care that "it's very difficult to gain independence now". The DWP expects him to pay up according to his income and when he doesn't the OP is left short. This is simply not fair on the OP and is probably contributing to her mh problems.

[MaidOfStars]

OP, he sounds like he's sneering at you. Asking when you're intending to work, implying that you're a drain on society.

Big man now, see. Got a job and all. He's patronising you. Not only that, he's blaming you for not being in a position to have helped him drive a car or buy a house.

Well, poncing off Mummy does not a big man maketh. If he stays, he pays reasonable rent (i.e. the deficit you incurred) and all of his private consumables. I'd also suggest a communal pot for shared items like washing powder and toothpaste (and food, if you want to continue to cook for him).

[Tummyclutter]

I apologise unweavedrainbow, as I didn't realise that's what happened with benefits.

Still think kick the ungrateful bastard out type comments are totally unhelpful though! He pays £300 a month, better than nothing.

[snetterdee]

Homemade army I do have to give the council proof of his earnings but because he had a tax rebate was on set hours initially etc they acknowledged that the situation isn't settled yet so they have a scale of 4 different levels of deduction at the moment its in the middle but once ds has 3 'steady" pay slips they will vary it accordingly,the council have been very supportive and good with me.

[Stormtreader]

Ok, he pays £300 to the landlord, great, thats the rent, thats not the whole story.
He needs to cover or at least contribute towards the food he eats and the utilities he uses, a 22 year old can eat a LOT.

And then theres the fact that you are his family. What kind of man is happy to arrive home in a flashy suit from his new job and not care that his mother and brother are struggling?

[MaidOfStars]

Oops, forgot, yes he contributes to utilities too.

[CatMilkMan]

WhereYouLeftIt I strongly disagree with you but I'm not sure arguing would help the OP.
I'm not sure convincing op her son is a bully and a dick is particularly helpful when we all seem to agree he needs to either pay more or leave.