to think ds should cough up?

[snetterdee]

Background single mum with 2 DC at home aged 22 and 15, I'm not working at the moment due to mental health problems (serious stuff but getting better) supported eldest all through college paying travel and lunch money etc then to university where he didn't pay any expenses at home and used his maintenance grant and loans for his own needs.
He's now working in a fantastic job that took months for him to be able to start ,anyway now that he's working my rent paid by the council is (quite rightly) reduced so ds has to make up the difference (about £300) which he pays directly to the landlord, he is supposed to pay the shortfall in council tax too but fell lucky in that I had some money owed to me from the council and so I simply had it knocked off my council tax this year,anyway ds now will not pay anything at all into the house for food heating utilities washing ironing etc etc I even buy his deodorant and toothpaste.
His job is v well paid and I accept its his money he has learnt but he argues that as I'm not working I should be "grateful" and I understand he needed work wear but suits at over 300 a go and silk ties and shirts at nearly 30 each when I'm struggling surely is a kick in the teeth.....so aibu to ask for keep?

[Tummyclutter]

If you think I was scrutinising you, then I am sorry. I was actually responding to other posters comments. You hadn't posted on here with specifics, just what you think he earns, and I thought some of the replies were extreme. Not that you are drip feeding either, because I don't mean that.

I left home at 16. I have close to no relationship with my parents, so maybe that is why I am softer with my 2. I still can't believe that out of 4 pages though, that I am the only one to put a price on helping around the house rather than monetary contributions.

[CantSleepClownsWillEatMe]

Tummy in the ops case she can't really afford to put a price on helping around the house though. That's assuming he does actually help which we don't know. I mean if my income is say 200 a week but my outlays amount to 300 then whatever bits and bobs someone does in the house won't make a blind bit of difference, I'm still short 100 quid.

[GasLIghtShining]

Jesus I cant believe people are saying he's paying enough, and he's a child.

I am sure people will come back to contradict me but are the ones saying this people in a more comfortable position?

My DD is 20 and takes home about £800 per month. She gives me £30 per week. Not a huge amount but DH and I are both earning so we don't expect a huge amount. I do the washing but I choose to do that so the washing machine doesn't end up being put on for one item. She eats at work so for the majority of the week that is a meal a day I am not providing and she buys her own toiletries (well shop own is very good is it?!!!). She is also spending a few hundred on a car loan and all the associated costs.

However - if our circumstances change she will be expected to cough up more.

snetterdee I am so sorry but your DS is a selfish git. In your circumstances he needs to pay more. There are often threads on here asking how much keep DCs should pay. A popular answer is a third for keep, a third to save and a third to spend. If you ask for £150 (bearing in mind he is making up the £300 shortfall) it is still less than a third. On his salary he is well able to afford driving lessons and to run a car.

Oh and the only way my DC will get a deposit for a house if me and DH drop dead prior to having to shell out for car home fees. I am sure a lot on here will say the same. Contrary to what your DS thinks parents to give shed loads of money to their DC are most definitely in the minority.

I hope you sort things out and wish you a speedy recovery

[CantSleepClownsWillEatMe]

I am sure people will come back to contradict me but are the ones saying this people in a more comfortable position?

I suspect this may be true, I think some people genuinely don't get that the contribution of the earning adult child is often needed in many households in order to meet bills, rent etc. For many it's not just a gesture but a necessity. It certainly was for my parents.

To be honest it was a matter of pride for me and for my siblings, I think we'd have been offended if my parents didn't accept money from us when we were earning and living at home!

[MeridianB]

OP, you sound like you're doing brilliantly at trying to get some fairness and balance in your life. Don't let your son make you doubt yourself. You are right to ask for more money. You also deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

Please stay strong. And consider that you are setting a good example to your 15-year-old - you really don't want him copying his big brother and repeating all this with you in a few years from now.

[Natkingcole9]

Did your mental health issues affect him much growing up? Do you think he's trying to 'get you back'? perhaps there is some pent up resentment. You mentioned you are getting better, great.. what about your children, have they got any help with the knock on effects of your illness?

[MsPavlichenko]

the reality is that you having him stay is costing you money. Food, toiletries utilities etc. Your bills would be lower if he wasn't there. The rent issue is neither here nor there, as it would be covered anyhow.

It doesn't matter whether you are earning, or not. He needs to contribute to at least cover his costs, never mind shell out for the odd take away/treat. You are doing him no favours, by not letting him face the reality of what the cost of living is.

It can't be helping your recovery either. Good Luck!

[Tummyclutter]

Cantsleep, I wasn't saying her son helps, as I don't know. Further up I had said what my Ds did. He doesn't contribute financially, but gives practical help. I also suffer from depression. When he does practical things, it buoys me up, which surely isn't a bad thing either.

I am one of the people that is contributing from a more comfortable financial position though, I do hope that wouldn't negate my point of view. The OP is posing on a public forum asking AIBU. i actually don't think she is, but feel that some answers on here are a bit extreme!

[snetterdee]

He doesn't do anything in the house and I mean anything from making his own bed to washing up to putting bins out or nipping to the shop, he refuses to cook and has been known to ring me whilst I'm out (on a date) demanding I come home to cook his pizza (30 mins on number 6 in the top oven).
I haven't always been poorly its been about 18months since I had my breakdown brought on by stress and other stuff (I have namechanged for this and I'm reluctant to say much more as I'm sure I'll be recognised and despite it all m very proud of my son) x

[snetterdee]

I spoke to him earlier (he shouted back) and he made a very loud call to a local estate agent (so I'd hear) I pointed out that after paying his rent on his own house,his council tax,his utilities,his food and his clothes he will see what its like living on not very much and pointed out he'd have to furnish the place even minimally, I think the penny will drop once he sees it coming out of his own budget on paper.

[snetterdee]

I spoke to him earlier (he shouted back) and he made a very loud call to a local estate agent (so I'd hear) I pointed out that after paying his rent on his own house,his council tax,his utilities,his food and his clothes he will see what its like living on not very much and pointed out he'd have to furnish the place even minimally, I think the penny will drop once he sees it coming out of his own budget on paper.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I think you've done the right thing snetterdee. He's deluded if he thinks YABU.

[ohtheholidays]

Well done Snetterdee for standing up for yourself he is really out of order and honestly I don't know what thread some of the other posters have been reading but I hope to God they never treated they're Mum's that way!

Years ago when I was 16 I worked in a supermarket full time,I was paid monthly and every month I gave my Mum and Dad £200 a month.I earned just under £600 a month and I felt like I was lucky to get to keep so much out of my wages.On top of what I paid my Mum and Dad I'd also pick up treaty bits from work for my Mum and Dad and once or twice a month I'd treat them to a take-away and every pay day I'd take my Mum out for a nice lunch and I would take her clothes shopping and treat her.

I loved being able to treat my parents and that was something I was always proud of myself for and I know my parents really appreciated it my Dad still talks about it sometimes now and that was 24 years ago and he now has dementia,we lost my Mum last year and I loved her dearly and after her funeral my aunties,uncles,cousins and old family friends told me about how lovingly my Mum had always spoke about me and she'd told everyone what I'd done for them both.She'd remembered every single good thing.

Your son needs to think on,our parents aren't with us for ever and he should treasure you for as long as he can.

[ohtheholidays]

Well done Snetterdee for standing up for yourself he is really out of order and honestly I don't know what thread some of the other posters have been reading but I hope to God they never treated they're Mum's that way!

Years ago when I was 16 I worked in a supermarket full time,I was paid monthly and every month I gave my Mum and Dad £200 a month.I earned just under £600 a month and I felt like I was lucky to get to keep so much out of my wages.On top of what I paid my Mum and Dad I'd also pick up treaty bits from work for my Mum and Dad and once or twice a month I'd treat them to a take-away and every pay day I'd take my Mum out for a nice lunch and I would take her clothes shopping and treat her.

I loved being able to treat my parents and that was something I was always proud of myself for and I know my parents really appreciated it my Dad still talks about it sometimes now and that was 24 years ago and he now has dementia,we lost my Mum last year and I loved her dearly and after her funeral my aunties,uncles,cousins and old family friends told me about how lovingly my Mum had always spoke about me and she'd told everyone what I'd done for them both.She'd remembered every single good thing.

Your son needs to think on,our parents aren't with us for ever and he should treasure you for as long as he can.

[Purplepoodle]

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him for another £200 a month. however when he starts paying you probably have to accept his gf will be around more

[minimalistaspirati0ns]

He sounds so unkind and unfair, you must be very disappointed in his behaviour

[TendonQueen]

What an outrageous way to speak to a parent who has done their best for you. If he wants to be the big man, he should be prepared to pay for it and pull his weight around the house. If not he can go, and try being an adult in the real world. Wonder how keen his girlfriend will be when it's her who's expected to do his washing, put his pizza in the oven etc. Give him notice to find his own place.

[StrawberryTeaLeaf]

He is saying he's trying to do everything save up for somewhere to go (he wants me and his brother to go with him,we won't) whilst paying for our home and yes way behind where he should be in the fact he's had no financial help with driving or a house deposit as we are a single parent family

There is no 'should'.

Lots of us had no help from parents with driving lessons, cars, house deposits etc. They are not a human right.

It's perfectly possible to pay your own way (if not easy). He needs to learn a few things about what it costs to live in this world, one way or another. It can only do him good.

He's a complete fool if he doesn't take the chance to keep his costs down by pitching in at the family home instead of renting alone. But sometimes we learn by being complete fools.

[NadiaWadia]

Your son is not being at all fair on you. He is earning a good wage and he knows very well you are struggling. He should at least cover his share of household costs, and should certainly be buying his own deodorant. Perhaps it would be a good idea if he did move out, he is going to get one hell of a shock!

It sounds as if he stayed at home while attending university? A pity really that he didn't have at least a year of living in student accommodation. That might have made him a bit more responsible. He would have a better idea of the cost of living, and he would definitely know how to switch on the cooker and washing machine!

[Senpai]

Yeah, me and DH were paying our own rent in a flat together when we were younger than he was. He needs to move out. He has enough money for it.

That said... With mental illness, families sort of function a bit awkwardly. I grew up with a mother who had serious MH problems, our family had a very strange dynamic. Not saying this is the case for your family, but MIL was super dependent on DH. She'd demand he pay rent and his fair share because she was in all fairness paying for everything. But as the same time she was doing lots of unspoken things to show how much she depended on him. In a lot of ways he was taking care of her in every way but financially to make sure she was alright. He felt pressured to stay and I had to put my foot down and tell him I was moving to a flat with out without him, I wasn't staying there. We left. She stopped taking care of herself once he did. It was a frustrating situation. It didn't help that FIL was emotionally abusive towards her, but that's neither here nor there.

He may be defensive about his money because he might feel he's having to already take care of you and his brother in every way but financially (and that may be why he's asking if you can work). If you're still unfit to work from mental illness it is possible that you're not seeing the full picture unbiased. I would be interested to hear his side of the story, as MH problems take their toll for everyone involved.

If he is stressing you though, you DO have every right to kick him out. You need to focus on your recovery and DS is making enough money to live on his own, especially since he has a GF he can split the rent and expenses with.

[NadiaWadia]

I don't think he is taking care of the OP in any way, though, Senpai. It doesn't seem like your DH's former situation really.

Did you not see her post where he called her when she was out, to demand she came home to cook his pizza for him? And refuses to learn how to work the washing machine?

All he contributes is a small share of the rent (and that's because he is forced to do so). And that doesn't make any difference to the OP, as if he wasn't living there then Housing Benefit would cover her whole rent. At least that's what I understand from her posts, unless I have missed something.

All he does is take from the OP, and expect her to be his skivvy. Meanwhile he berates her for not being rich enough to give him money for a house deposit etc., which he seems to think is a parent's duty. If she was well off, she might well choose to do that, but he knows very well she isn't. Oh, and tells her she is a 'drain on society' for claiming much needed benefits. All the while being a drain on her himself. Nice young man.

Well, I suppose he is probably not all bad, his youth and inexperience might explain his selfishness to a certain extent, but his thinking is really skewed. Moving out is the only thing that will help him realise how much his mum did for him.

[Senpai]

NadiaWadia Yes, that's what she's writing, I agree.

But I still have a fair point. She could be putting pressure on him without realizing it.

I wasn't trying to compare DH and her DS, I was trying to point out that not everything is as it seems from one perspective.

FIL will do "favors" for people and then hold it over their heads. So he'd come across as a poor victim whose son was just a terrible person or refused to help him after all he did for him. When really it was more of a "give a mouse a cookie" situation. We knew if he asked for us to wipe the counters it would escalate to dishes, to sorting laundry, to cleaning the whole house in incremental steps that seemed reasonable. If we stopped at simply wiping the counters he would tell people he does all this stuff for DH but he won't even put away a few dishes. It's not to compare, it's just to show, from being on the receiving end of bullshit from both sides of the family in regards to dysfunctional families, there's a whole other side to these things.

She says she "needs" to do his laundry or he'll take it to the dry cleaners. She says she "needs" to get his toiletries or he'll buy more expensive ones or use his brothers. There's an awful lot of "needing" to do things for him, that really don't need to be done.

In my experience there's rarely an innocent victim in any relationship, especially a parent-child. Both are usually contributing their fair share of grief to each other. Which is why I suggested it would be a good thing to kick him out.

I'm not saying that DS is in the right by any stretch of the imagination. But, I also don't believe OP is blameless in this, not saying she's to be blamed either. I would bet it's an equal contribution from both, where they're both wrong on some levels and right on others.

[snetterdee]

Im a bit weird in the fact that my mh problems were caused by a series of events that finally broke me down (none of which id thought of unusual all were normal in my life,abuse,orphaned at a young age, etc) and id become as my cpn says asuper coper my children and home were my way of being normal,my son will tell anyone he misses his childhood it was such a nice one.
I havent over relied on anyone simply because i could do it myself.
This issue has only arisen because of his work.

[Borninthe60s]

Such a tough one. Different circumstances but here's what we did when ours started earning.

Asked for a quarter of take home pay, when they said that was a lot etc etc, we added up what ALL outgoings were, inc tv licence, utilities, food, divided them by the wage earners in the house (include yourself in that as ESA is your income atm) and asked them to pay their share. They got the message and chose the quarter every time.

I would say as you are struggling with your mental health he is being very manipulative and knows he's grinding you down.

At the very least if he refuses to contribute any more have a set of house rules which include him buying his own toiletries, doing his own washing and changing his own bed etc etc

Good luck X

[MrsJayy]

Do you think you spoiled him a little bit before you were ill i mean doing his dinner just as part of life really now he is being rude aggressive and a complete brat about stuff you are his mother YOU should still be providing for his needs still? Perhaps moving out will be the making of him.