to think ds should cough up?

[snetterdee]

Background single mum with 2 DC at home aged 22 and 15, I'm not working at the moment due to mental health problems (serious stuff but getting better) supported eldest all through college paying travel and lunch money etc then to university where he didn't pay any expenses at home and used his maintenance grant and loans for his own needs.
He's now working in a fantastic job that took months for him to be able to start ,anyway now that he's working my rent paid by the council is (quite rightly) reduced so ds has to make up the difference (about £300) which he pays directly to the landlord, he is supposed to pay the shortfall in council tax too but fell lucky in that I had some money owed to me from the council and so I simply had it knocked off my council tax this year,anyway ds now will not pay anything at all into the house for food heating utilities washing ironing etc etc I even buy his deodorant and toothpaste.
His job is v well paid and I accept its his money he has learnt but he argues that as I'm not working I should be "grateful" and I understand he needed work wear but suits at over 300 a go and silk ties and shirts at nearly 30 each when I'm struggling surely is a kick in the teeth.....so aibu to ask for keep?

[snetterdee]

Pacific mouse ....you are definitely right

[badtime]

way behind where he should be in the fact he's had no financial help with driving or a house deposit as we are a single parent family

Nope, people who get help with those things are ahead of where they 'should be'. Actually, there is no 'should be'. He is where he is, and he shouldn't be such an entitled dick.

[maybebabybee]

OP I mean this kindly and I know your MH issues probably contribute to the fact you don't feel able to stand up to him but...you're being a pushover.

You need to put your foot down, for him as much as yourself in the long run. He needs to learn.

[HighwayDragon1]

If he were my son he'd be out that fucking door in a heartbeat, how very dare he.

You are doing him and his future wife absolutely no favours putting up with this bullshit

[snetterdee]

He's just very good at arguing his point, he grinds me down so I very childishly have to leave the room its ridiculous I know and I'm going to have to sort this out but it helps knowing I'm not being unreasonable sometimes I can't even trust my own thinking .....also him and his brother have fallen out and he didn't even get his brother a card or gift despite promising a extravagant present.

[Bakeoffcake]

If he does go does that mean you'd have to find an extra £300 to cover the rent?

[snetterdee]

Well the future wife thing is also a sticky point as his gf and I don't speak because she too thought she could virtually live here and come and go as she's pleased eating and drinking etc ,so she won't come here since I objected so he has to placate her with Pandora rings and stuff

[ImperialBlether]

It's not good for him to be able to say such horrible things to his own mother. You're doing him no favours by letting him stay.

I think you just need to sit him down and say that you've helped him all through university but now it's time for him to stand on his own two feet. Tell him that by New Year you want him to have found himself somewhere else to live. It will be so much easier for all of you.

[snetterdee]

No bakeofcake the rent would be paid for me until I'm working its his wage that causes the reduction

[snetterdee]

I just feel like I'm such a bitch

[RandomMess]

Are you in a 2 or 3 bed??? Time to apply for a 2 bed council/HA swap?

[PatriciaHolm]

Time for the Big I Am to stand on his own 2 feet, I think. Give him a deadline to move out, and MEAN IT! ;-)

[00100001]

stop buying stuff for him - easy peasy!

[snetterdee]

Its a 2 bed house so I need it,my landlords really reasonable and we've been here over 10years

[whois]

Oh god what a little shit he is. How can you keep him living with you when he treats you with utter contempt?

Easy for us all to say 'kick him out' but much harder in practice. Although, really, he needs to go. Your MH might improve dramatically away from his bullying influence.

Do you have any family that can help you stand up to him?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He's just very good at arguing his point, he grinds me down "
So the little fucker is contributing to your poor mental health?

He needs to go.

[Stormtreader]

Just stop arguing, there is no argument to be had.
"I've looked at the household expenses, and the numbers just don't work. I need you to either move out or start paying keep of £300 per month from the start of next month."

There's no argument needed there, whatever he says doesn't change that this is the way it is. He can either pay his keep, or move out. If he's buying £300 suits he can certainly afford his keep, or his own rent. The arguments about saving up for a house deposit are frankly rubbish as well, it's not as if he's pinching every penny towards saving for it, is he?

Sometimes being started on the path of being an independent adult is the best gift you can give someone anyway, he wont be sleeping under a bridge!

[thelittleredhen]

WOW. He needs to move out. Soon.
Sorry he's such a shit snetterdee

[snetterdee]

No family just me and my other son, his dad and him haven't spoken for years (he is a twat) and my middle son unfortunately influenced by his fathers lifestyle went to live with him (he is 20 ) see its just one fucked up family

[PacificMouse]

You're not a bitch at all!
But he (and his gf!) is very very entitled!

I'm not normally the type to say that but I would really stop doing things for him, the washing etc but also the shopping and so on if he doesn't want to pay his way.

I would also remind him that if you are a drain on the society by living on benefits, so is he and actually even worse because not only he is using benefits (that aren't his) but he has a well paid job so should NEVER need some.

[fuzzywuzzy]

He's a grown man. He needs to move out.

You're not a bad person, you need to take care of yourself and your younger child.

And not many of us got everything paid for us, I certainly didn't I had a job to pay my way thro uni and college & I always bought my own toiletries.

If he wants to waste his money let him. Give him a deadline to move out.

[sugar21]

Little shit, He either pays up or pisses off !
If he doesnt give you any money then don't do his washing or ironing etc. Grrrrr the cheek of him is making me angry

[snetterdee]

Stormtreader that makes a lot of sense,I wasn't even expecting 300 on top of the rent but even 150 a month would be such a boost to our income.

[snetterdee]

Ohh pacific mouse I like that line

[CatMilkMan]

I don't think he's the shit bully everyone else here seems to think but he does need to contribute more or leave, you aren't a shit mum he is just early twenties and thinks he's right even if the reality doesn't actually line up.
I think you should write your points down and then talk to him about the reality, if he starts to argue stop talking and start telling.