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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL shouldn't have sold the baby stuff I gave her?

156 replies

CallaLilli · 17/10/2015 15:45

SIL was pregnant last year so I gave her a stack of DD's clothes that she'd outgrown. As babies grow so fast it was all in good condition and only a few months old. DNiece was born earlier this year and I never saw her in any of the clothes I'd given so when I fell pregnant again I thought I'd ask DSIL if I could have the stuff back as DN has now grown out of it.

But she informs me that she has sold it all on eBay. I can hear you all saying I am BU as I gave it to her but it transpires that she sold it all on eBay soon after I gave it to her and bought other clothes with the money she made! The reason? She doesn't like putting DN in clothes that aren't made from natural fabrics or are dyed bright colours! Now if that were the case why did she accept them in the first place?

Im a bit flabbergasted tbh. I don't think I'd mind so much if she'd used them and then sold them but AIBU to think that if she didn't want the clothes she should've just said no when I offered them?

OP posts:
MuddlingMackem · 18/10/2015 20:10

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 18-Oct-15 14:49:28

so, just Wtf are people supposed to do witg this stuff?

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/10/2015 20:14

But if it's ok to give it away or sell it then what difference doesn't make.

it's a bit much to have some pre approved list if what other people can do with gifts Confused once they leave your hands that's it, your opinion of what should happen. to it doesn't count it's no longer yours

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/10/2015 20:19

And again, people are supposed to be able to get there?
what if there's no car or no bus route or its expensive to park or they can't carry all the stuff etc

clam · 18/10/2015 20:42

I can't believe that people think that what your sil did was OK!

But then, this is MN, the parallel universe to the real world, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised. If she sold your things, at the very least she should have, a) checked with you first or b) offered to give you some of the proceeds.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/10/2015 20:45

I can't believe people give stuff with so many conditions and expect to be informed and updated on its status/whereabouts.

it was baby clothes. when I gave someone sone clothes I expected they would he ruined with milk and ketchup and never to be seen again.

now they seem to be handed over with a list of charities they can be donated to after

Goldenbear · 18/10/2015 20:47

AnotherEmma, yes, that would be more useful in many ways. I may try to do this but it's quite unlikely as I only see them about 4 times a year and they usually bring them down as we're leaving after a weekend of staying with them but it's at the point were we are literally going. Sometimes my brother has put it straight in the car.

His FIL lives very close to me and last time they visited him they left three sacks of boys clothes for DD in his garage. The first I knew about it was a text telling me that I needed to go and pick it up as it was cluttering up his (enormous) house. This house is in the middle of the countryside so a bit of a pain after school to get to. This was in the winter, so foggy and difficult driving coditions. I kept getting texts and e-mails to fetch it.

LyndaNotLinda · 18/10/2015 21:05

Giving them to charity, passing them to s friend, donating them to the mother band baby unit at the refuge after you've used them = all fine.

Saying 'thanks very much' and then flogging them immediately is rude. I'm surprised people can't tell the difference.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/10/2015 21:07

is it not equally rude to have so many conditions or expectations attached to what should be a gesture with no strings attached.

clam · 18/10/2015 21:14

"I can't believe people give stuff with so many conditions and expect to be informed and updated on its status/whereabouts."

And who's said that? It sounds to me as though the OP would have been perfectly happy to see 'her' clothes used and with ketchup stains on. She gave them in order to be useful, not to see them shipped straight off to be sold and SIL pocketing a large cheque for them.

CrapBag · 18/10/2015 21:14

YANBU, it was rude and if she didn't want them she shouldn't have accepted, not taken them with the intention of selling. I sell some children's clothes but I don't sell the stuff I have been given because that just seems poor form.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/10/2015 21:17

But that's the thing she doesn't get to decide that.

they were given away. she could have asked fir money for them or sold them.herself.

it's not something I would do however use them.sell them.or even burn them, that's up to the recipient and no one else and of people can't handle that they shouldn't give stuff to people

ballerinabelle · 18/10/2015 21:49

It's so bloody mercenary. It's surprising how little shame some
people have flogging stuff that they didn't even buy themselves Hmm

Forestdreams · 18/10/2015 21:51

"is it not equally rude to have so many conditions or expectations attached to what should be a gesture with no strings attached."

There are not "so many" conditions or expectations. There is one norm, that it's not right to flog stuff you were given for free, and to do so blatantly without using it yourself can cause offence to the giver.

LyndaNotLinda · 18/10/2015 22:01

If the SIL didn't want them, she should have just said no thanks.

It's extremely ill-mannered to profit from someone else's kindness unless of course you're on the bones of your arse which it doesn't sound is the case here.

From what you're saying Giles, she may as well have said 'oh thanks but can k have £50 instead?'

DingbatsFur · 18/10/2015 22:05

I feel your pain.
I now have a rule, any clothes I think I can sell on ebay without problems i keep, everything else goes to my in laws who all have younger or shorter kids than mine. It means they can get easy play clothes for their kids but aren't swamped. And that I don't care what happens to it.

For toys that are unwanted party gifts or whatever I save them up and give them to charity donations at xmas. My son may not have been delighted with a teenage mutant ninja turtle outfit, but I'm sure some other child will be.
There is usually a local drop off point within walking distance at xmas time who will take them.
Clothes are just things, but don't give away anything you really care about!

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/10/2015 22:06

I've already said it's not something I would do Confused

however as the owner of tons of stuff that's been given to me over the years I have hen unable to make use of all of it and until recently have not had the means to get rid of it other than slowly sneaking it into the rubbish.

clothes I have always made use of. but I'm blowed if I'm. hanging onto stuff mixed up with stuff I've bought just incase it offends someone. I don't have the room.to do that.

ballerinabelle · 18/10/2015 23:13

giles completely in agreement with you about not hanging on to everything. I have toys that my friend's sister gave to me after her 3 sons had grown too old for them. I asked her when she would be wanting them back (to be sure that she didn't) and she said absolutely didn't want them back. We exchanged the toys for a bottle of prosecco Grin and I went on my merry way. When my own son grows too old for the toys which are still in great condition I'll pass them on to someone else who wants them with no cost attached.....it would seem so mean to charge someone!

clam · 18/10/2015 23:38

"but I'm blowed if I'm. hanging onto stuff mixed up with stuff I've bought just incase it offends someone."

There was no danger of it having got mixed up with her own, bought, stuff because she whacked it straight up for sale before you can say grabby cow ebay.

clam · 18/10/2015 23:41

And also, in this situation, it wasn't the case that the SIL was swamped with clothes, as she appears to have bought other clothes, more to her liking, with the money she made.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/10/2015 09:43

Then where do you stand on people returning stuff with the labels still on fir a bigger size or for a refund as they feel it's unsuitable etc

tootsietoo · 19/10/2015 09:52

The SIL should just have said no if she didn't want the clothes!

Sometimes you DO have to get rid of stuff you have been given - e.g. I ended up with 3 brand new copies of the same Roald Dahl book at one point. But I think you should make a big effort to make sure the giver doesn't know that the present was unwanted and that you are getting rid of it! So unfortunately that means not using Facebook. If you can't get it to a charity shop or want the money for it then it needs to be eBay (although my mother stalks my eBay account so I can no longer sell anything she gives me on there!!)

tootsietoo · 19/10/2015 09:53

PS I always ask my SIL if she wants our old clothes. She often says no now. Fair enough, it goes to the charity shop.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/10/2015 10:30

I think how it happens has alot to do witg it too.

I mean I guess the correct way would be to ask first.

"oh I've been sorting out sone clothes did you need anything? "

or "did you want some clothes"

it's easier to say thanks but no thanks or pick out what you do want then.

when someone comes to visit and plonk down a huge bag of stuff with a "I thought you could use these, I even put in those cute dungeness. ..."

then promptly starts showing yiu the contents it's alot harder to say no.

when someone has taken the time to go through and wash it all and pack it all up for you it's already at a point where substantial effort has already been put in and saying no feels rude.

ballerinabelle · 19/10/2015 12:13

giles you're talking about people needing a car to drop things off at a charity shop. They're going to need one of those to take their parcels to the post office when they're selling them.....Hmm

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/10/2015 12:15

Not if people collect them.and they cab drop it off after work door to door.

easier than trying to find parking in a pedestrianised area where the charity shops are. ir trying to fit it in befire they close