To think SIL shouldn't have sold the baby stuff I gave her?

[CallaLilli]

SIL was pregnant last year so I gave her a stack of DD's clothes that she'd outgrown. As babies grow so fast it was all in good condition and only a few months old. DNiece was born earlier this year and I never saw her in any of the clothes I'd given so when I fell pregnant again I thought I'd ask DSIL if I could have the stuff back as DN has now grown out of it.

But she informs me that she has sold it all on eBay. I can hear you all saying I am BU as I gave it to her but it transpires that she sold it all on eBay soon after I gave it to her and bought other clothes with the money she made! The reason? She doesn't like putting DN in clothes that aren't made from natural fabrics or are dyed bright colours! Now if that were the case why did she accept them in the first place?

Im a bit flabbergasted tbh. I don't think I'd mind so much if she'd used them and then sold them but AIBU to think that if she didn't want the clothes she should've just said no when I offered them?

It's more than bad manners, IMO. It's taking advantage of someone's generosity for personal profit.
If I was the OP, I would be polite for the sake of the family relationships but that would be it. If a friend did it they would be an exfriend.

Oof tough one. Yanbu for feeling sad, but yabu for feeling annoyed I think. Sil has done nothing wrong.

She has done something wrong though. The clothes were offered for her daughter to wear, but were accepted to make money out of them. You don't accept a gift and think 'great, I can flog that and pocket the cash', at least you don't if you're a nice person.

My brother gives me sacks of my niece's old clothes for DD who is 6 years younger. They also give me my nephews' old clothes. They are mostly Boden, John Lewis and POP clothes. I have accepted them as there are some lovely items but I am also clearly doing them a favour as it makes them feel good about themselves and almost justifies the expenditure a bit more. They're wealthy with a huge house and bring these sacks of clothes to my (in contrast) flat when they visit. They don't ask beforehand they just arrive with the stuff so I accept as I don't want to hurt their feelings but I don't have enough space to store these sacks of clothes that go up to age 9 in my flat. Equally, I have the boys' stuff given to me so that's 3 children's clothes for one child, who is a small 4 year old so nowhere near wearing a lot of it. It definitely makes them feel good about themselves because they tell me they've saved me thousands of pounds in clothes. Equally, the casual coats only get worn for two days a week as they all go to private school where there is a set coat they have to wear or a set colour- I forget. I've heard my SIL justifying the cost of a POP coat x 3 to my brother so I don't think it is easier in her mind to pass this stuff on for immediate family to benefit from than a charity shop where, despite being a good cause, the eventual owner is not known.

I have to admit I will be selling some as there's too much of it. My DD doesn't like some of the boys clothes. Equally, my Mother and Mother in Law buy new high quality clothes for my DD as they dont want to leave her out when they buy stuff for DS who is too old to inherit my nephews' clothes. Are you sure your SIL is not in the same position? Perhaps she didn't accept with the intention of selling them straight away but having looked through them decided on that course of action as she had already accepted them from you, didn't think you wanted them back and felt embarrassed to return them straight away?

Equally, my brother was storing this stuff in a loft room, they were converting this floor into a guest flat so they were desperate to get rid of these sacks of clothes quickly.

My SIL has said to me that it's not with their time selling it on e-bay and she means literally.

These threads are the reason I don't want a lend of any clothes for my baby DD off SIL (keeps saying she has a bag of year old stuff) as I fear that if her time comes again and she had a boy it would be expected that I lend some of my stuff and I'm not keen at all

I think that yab a bit U tbh.

if there are conditions to the gift, Ie use them or give them back after then don't bother.

having to keep clothes clean enough to return is in fact rather stressful especially as milk stains and weaning stains are hard to get out.

the thought is a lovely thought but when everyone does it you do start to feel like actually you are everyone else's dumping ground.

if you wanted them back you should have said otherwise they are there to do with as that person wishes.

she perhaps shouldn't have accepted them.in the first place but yo keep tabs on whether they have used them and then.get miffed when she did what you never did and got rid of them is U.

next time sell your clothes on yourself and he the one to make.the money. cos actually getting rid of a pile of unwanted stuff that you have no room fir or no use fir is in its self a royal. pain in the arse.

he morals are probably a bit skewed but maybe she thought you'd be offended if she said no. it can he hard to say why you don't want something without worrying you have offended the person.

I gladly received loads of clothes and have always made use of them. but however now dd2 is older I will be saying no thank you as I need nice new clothes now as opposed to hand me down because dd is no longer at pre school where everything gets filthy and the clothes are an absolute god send.

Honestly, it would've been less rude of the OP's SIL to politely decline the offer of clothes. To profit out of someone's else's generosity is such Mean spirited thing to do.

I have to add also that until this year I had no car. so I couldn't get rid of anything without paying fir taxis or roping in someone to help so I had to have it round for weeks and slowly add to the rubbish bin (collected fortnightly so pretty slow going tbh) or its in the loft.

literally people with houses much bigger than our house find it takes up too much space in their house and give it to us. my loft is full.. we filled a skip just weeks back.

It depends on why ballerina gave her SIL the clothes, in the first place.

If it was to help her SIL out, then she did. Her SIL was able to sell the items, and put the money towards the cost of replacing them.

If it was to reduce environmental impact of her SIL buying new items, again, this was a success. Although the SIL bought new items, the person that bought the old ones did not, so fewer new goods had to be produced.

If ballerina gave them away as an easy solution to a load of clutter she thought she had no further use for, again, a success.

If it was to make her feel a bit superior to SIL, that she had been able to buy new items, but her SIL had not, well this was a partial fail, because the SIL did buy new items, but only with ballerina's assistance. So, she still does get to feel a bit superior.

I do think it was a little impolite of the SIL to sell the items, without checking with ballerina first. If ballerina had known her SIL would sell them, she may not have given them. But I also think that if ballerina's sentiments were purely altruistic, she wouldn't mind what had happened to the items, once they had been given away. They were, after all, a gift.

Sorry, my post keeps referring to ballerina, when it should say CallaLilli.

Yanbu but from seeing previous threads on mn, it seems to be common practice that it happens. One poster said her sil/friend said she had sold the clothes and the op later saw the clothes for sale on a local buy & sell page online. It is the height of cheek, but there is very little you can do. Did she offer you any money or to give you some of the clothes she bought with the money she got for your dd's clothes?

sanity

your post is spot on

Hmmm. I think it's cheeky. If she had been open with you it could have been ok. She could have suggested you sell them, and if you didn't fancy the effort, perhaps she could have offered to sell them for you and split the proceeds (it is a big job selling lots of stuff on eBay). I think the fact she didn't tell you is pretty annoying.

If she had used the clothes for a year or two and then sold them bit by bit with her other things too, if that is what she normally does, then I wouldn't have minded - I think I would have seen them as hers by then.

I have been given lots of good stuff by a friend. I have used it all and I do admit to selling a couple of bits when they were grown out of which were very saleable - a Joules coat with little wear for instance. BUT we had taken them both out for a meal at the time to say thanks for all the gear so I felt like we had paid them back a bit AND I did feel a bit guilty about it and hoped she didn't find out!!

All these people with sackloads of baby/kids clothes they want to get rid of, so they dump them on family/friends... The cheek of treating others like a charity shop and expecting them to be grateful!
The truly kind and generous thing to do would be to ask the family/friend if they want/need any clothes and then invite them over to look through and choose what they want. Then take the rest to a charity shop!

Goldenbear any chance you could suggest the above to your DB and SIL?

That's horrible.

YANBU to be miffed. Not much you can do about it now, other than think less of her and never pass on anything again.

One of my FB friends regularly offers "unopened BNIP" toys and games for sale on FB. It's usually a couple of months after one of her DCs' birthdays, and I'm sure they are mostly unwanted party presents. Stuff we gave her DC has been included. I think that's extremely rude, when she knows most were given by her FB friends.

But forest

what do you expect people to do with stuff that's eitger a duplicate present, something their child isn't into, something not age appropriate or generally cheap crap that they know will break.

are people really expected to hold onto this stuff in case someone's offended?

So according to MN- saying no gifts on an invite is selfish.

suggesting money or vouchers is grabby and requests will be ignored and toy bought on principle.

it's rude to ask fir receipt to return it

it's rude to sell it or give it away and even though it's a gift people still want ot back.

so, just Wtf are people supposed to do witg this stuff?

And don't say charity shop because actually that's bus fare or taxi fare or fuel costs people may not be able to afford.

it's time off work to drop off in hours required

and most charity shops have tons if shit left outside and are asking not to have any more stuff dumped outside so dumping on way home from work is not an option either.

oh and it can't be a shop local cos people might see it and be upset

What an odd thing to say AnotherEmma. The family members we give our clothes to have much more money than we do. We have the clothes because our children are older than theirs, and we pass them on for practical reasons. There is a charity shop around the corner to us, it would be far easier for me to take the clothes there; the family live 1.5 hours away. Sometimes people really do try to help others without ulterior motives, you know

ohmyeye it wasn't directed at you, I was more talking about the people goldenbear and one or two others mentioned. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Sorry I think I am a bit grumpy this evening

I'm grumpy most of the time atm so I'm not judging