Mortgage dispute dp/me

[Haribogirl]

Dp and I took bought property 13 years ago for £160.000
I put deposit down of 80.000 he got mortgage for his 80.000( with both names on it, as he would of been able to get this much on his own)

So 13 years on and he's had a brain wave, he now decided that because of the interested he's had to pay for getting the mortgage that he's actually paying more than me!!
My argument is he must of known that interest was added in the first place and it's not up to me to now start paying it.

He won't it so that
He as added his mortgage payments up for the last 13 years which amount to £79400.
So when he reaches 80k(same as I put in at beginning) he then wants me to start paying half the mortgage.
Also at the beginning in solicitors, solicitor advised me to make a deed of trust to guard my 80k in the event of anything happening in the future.

He doesn't agree with this now! As he realised that in event off I would get this and half the equity we make, he thinks all off a sudden I'm ripping him off.

This is only in the event off!! Which I have mentioned.

I feel I've just protected myself as advised, he now thinks I'm ripping him off

But howabout isn't he also intending to bequeath his portion of the house away from the OP?

Honestly, he does sound like more of an arse the longer this thread has gone on.

Does he even remotely understand that paying off the mortgage is not simply blowing his cash, it is investing it and securing his portion of the house without further interest payments (dead money) to the bank/ building society? Invested, not spent or lost forever. It will appreciate in value far more as the value of your property rises than it would with the pittance interest rate it will receive sitting in a bank account today.

Whatever happens, good luck, and keep your Deed of Trust going, to the very letter. You don't know for sure what he is planning, and he seems unlikely to divulge it anytime soon, so plan to protect yourself.

Afternoon ladies

I haven't written it all out on paper for him!
Reason being is why should I, he's always telling me how intelligent he is so let himfind out the hard way. AIBU ??? Should I point it out to him? And see if it changes anything?

I'm not really sure now wether I want to be in this relationship any longer!!
When I analize it, he does nothing with me.
Without going to much into relationship side (I won't bore you)things have probably been bad for a while, and I given in time after time. Just the very fact he brings my son into an argument every time, how he's paid for him for the last 13 years!

The thing is now!!
When the house goes on the market, and there's nothing out there that I like
We will be homeless(son and I) and at 58 and never been in this position fills me with anxiety and fear
I know you may say I'm in a good position(which I am don't get me wrong)
But it's the big Unknown and I think this is way I've sat on it so long.

I don't know where to start first?? Dot to solicitor, my will, house on market
Aghhh

I'm not happy, if I want to do anything in the house decorate,new bedding etc, I end up doing it myself and paying for it most of the time. He's not more now than ever into decor(was as I am, I like a nice house) only ever vacs rug in lounge, and washes after tea and cleans round kitchen. He does both cars, washing maintence on them, will go shops in the morning but buys basics and we split what's been bought for us anything extra for son I buy.
If I start anything he will come and see what I'm doing, then tell me where I've missed etc(infuriating)

My heads all over the place, and my mind won't switch off. Xx

He won't listen to you. I doubt it anyway.

Leave him to discover the hard way just how dim and unintelligent he is being.

Hi OP, I'm not surprised to hear that you're feeling unhappy and "all over the place". It sounds like your partner is nasty and has been getting worse. Do you have a friend, relative or anyone you can talk to in real life for support? It sounds like you could do with someone to be on your side and give you a hug, tbh!

I'd like to remind you of the things you've told us he's said and done:

"He thinks I'm devious, money grabber, and I've conned him now."
"he won't discuss it because he's too angry"
"At the moment he's silent, no speaking. He's told me to not speak to him"
"don't think he likes the thought of sharing his money"
"he has become selfish"
"DP has not spoke last night/to date, but expects I still clean,cook etc and he do his own thing."
"he's still giving me the silent treatment! (But I am used to it by now"
"he does nothing with me"
"he brings my son into an argument every time"

Not a great list, is it?! Some of these examples could be signs of emotional abuse - the accusations, the anger, the silent treatment. Please read these 30 signs of emotional abuse to see if there are any others that apply to him. They might not apply, but I am concerned that he is being increasingly nasty and could get worse.

In terms of next steps, I think you need some real life support, and you need to serious thinking about ending the relationship and selling the house. You will not be homeless - that is your panic and anxiety talking! In reality you don't have to complete the sale of your house until you've found another one. If necessary, you could rent until you find a house to buy. So please try not to panic.

Bless you. This was the straw that broke the camels back wasn't it. Now your eyes have been opened to exactly how bad it's been for a while, and now they're open you can't unopen them iykwim.
I'm sure it is daunting and frightening to have to start again, but actually now you've realised you have no choice so you need advice on how to go about it, probably move this thread to relationships?

It's obviously going to get financially messy so my advice there would be to get copies and proof of all his finances and documents before he has any inclination of your plans. He's had quite a while to get his ducks in a row, hence this pressure for you to cave on the mortgage. Play clever yourself. He's not going to play fair so get a solicitor and make sure you come out of it fairly. He's kept all his extra windfalls so you shouldn't feel guilty for taking what is yours from the house. He knew the deal when he signed up for it. He could have chosen to pay it off with his massive savings. He didn't so he reaps the consequences. The minimum you should walk away with is 50:50 but he has to pay the mortgage off with his half. If you choose to take the extra you are entitled to, that is your call.

Good luck

at 58 and never been in this position fills me with anxiety and fear

I think most readers will have gathered that this isn't a happy or even pleasant relationship OP and now you feel the same, you don't need to give details to convince people. Besides, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks if you're unhappy that's the way it is.

Point taken about the above, however, think, at 60, 65 and above, it's going to be even less pleasant and more uncertain isn't it.

If it were me I'd be getting estate agents to give you valuations and advise how quickly you think the house would sell and I'd be searching to see what you can buy instead for you and your son to live in.

Once I had a fair idea I'd be consulting a solicitor with a view to clarifying how things would be settled and I'd look forward to living a free life without this mill stone dragging me down.

Op it really does sound like you are not happy and want to move on with your life separately. Time for a visit to the solicitor to make sure you understand the effect of the DOT correctly and also how to proceed with selling the house or looking at ways your DS and you could buy out your DP.

I wish you all well

Number 1: will : should be trivial enough to do. Number 2: check with solicitor that you can force a sale...then do it!!

It is a bit complicated! It seems like the DoT didn't really suit the circumstances? As you getting your £80k back plus 50% of the rest would only be fair if you'd paid half the mortgage surely? Why should you get 75% when he's paid all the mortgage and interest??

But the flip side is that he can't now claim it should be an even 50/50 if he's also wanting you to start paying half the mortgage.

I think the fair thing to do would be to recalculate your respective %s at this moment in time, based on how much of the mortgage he has paid off, and then pay the mortgage equally in future. So for example if he has paid off £40k of the mortgage then you'd have 62.5% (your original £80k plus £20k of the remaining £40k of the mortgage) and he gets 37.5% (the £40k he's paid off and £20k of the remaining £40k on the mortgage). The fact he's had to pay interest of the £40k he's paid off so far is not your problem, you had a cash deposit and he didn't, so he had to have a loan for his contribution and there is a cost attached to that.

He sound very U with how he is handling though, like a petulant child, so I would certainly not be willing to hand over more to him that he's due as it does seem like he's more concerned with what is "his" rather than yours as a couple....doesn't really bode well for the future

Is this man for real, later this morning ask do I want anything from the shop, no
Well we need something with the salmon, to which I say just get your own things I'm not being treated like crap anymore
Childish I know, but it's the same pattern every time, he thinks I will tell him what we need for the day and that I'll do the cooking. He also turned round and says his usual words. I'm not arguing.

I've Been out this afternoon, as he went out after lunch
So I come back after 5pm, he's in the kitchen .
He's prepared the potatoes, salmon just going under the grill !!!!
Just our food, nothing for son
To which I then say I don't want you to do my tea
I start to do sons tea, and ignore what's he's cooking
Then I get you have a look at your salmon,aghh don't cook for me again!!
So it's ready and I'm still in middle of finishing sons tea before he comes in from work, so mine end up warm!!!!
This is pathetic! He thinks I don't mean it and as usual I will come round

No speaking again tonight.

Do I put the house on the market? Do I need his permission?
Do I stay and put up with the atmosphere?
Do I rent somewhere else, but then I end up paying £600+ mth when I need all the money I can save now?

Another sleepless night. X

You are officially joint owners of the house, like it or not.

He is an arsehole. You need to speak to a solicitor about your options, perhaps with a view to forcing a sale.

you know you need to see a solicitor op.

Is he 7?

Sorry OP, you need to see a solicitor.

Start preparing your divorce. Possibly with a view to buying something with you son or having a lodger or something.

Get all your ducks in a row. Knowledge is power. Then you get to decide what you are going to do. And then do it. Don't wait for him to be an even more grumpy old man.

In view of your age I think you actually need to get a move on with this and not wait.

He currently is well off for buying his own place too. But before he pisses it all away. So it's in his interest too.

Honestly can you say you want to spend 24/7 with him for the next 20 odd years. Wiping his arse and looking after him when he gets sick. Still being treated like you aren't good enough.

Haven't read the whole thread but isn't his mortgage payments in lieu of him paying rent, and you live rent free because you bought your share of the house? So, he is having to pay rent whilst buying his share. That's what a mortgage sort of is.

I think you are being fair.

head after over 300 messages I think reading some more of thread is relevant.

OP, it sounds like this is it, get advice ASAP. He really resents your son doesn't he! Have you only just realised this? Do you think he thought your son would be an adult and just move out? Sounds like he wants you without your son.

MIL was like this, she wanted her ex all to herself, didn't like his DCs and it was quite obvious, would moan if he took his 17/18 year old out. She just didn't like sharing him.

I'd read all but a couple if pages crapbag. I have now read all. I still think the op is fair. Both get 80K back ( he has to pay mortgage out of this) and profits spilt.

It's time for a solicitor OP.

Forget about fairness, the only relevant issues are:
What is the legal position? (For you it sounds reasonably OK.)
What kind of compromise will you reach?

My preference would be once the house is sold:
equity = net sale price (minus fees) - money to go to mortgage company to settle the mortgage,
then equity to be divided according to the amounts of capital put in so you OP would get around two thirds of the equity

This would be presented as being a better offer than applying the deed of trust without any variation.

You don't want a full scale legal war, otherwise large amounts of money will go to solicitors. Therefore, you want to put forward a reasonable solution.

head, do you have your MN colour coded? Saves reading everything and can just read OPs posts.

It sounds like OP is thinking of leaving anyway so I don't think who pays the mortgage is going to be the issue anymore.

God it's only been since fri night the no speak, and the atmosphere is horrible.
I don't feel comfortable in my own house.

I could start talking, but the only thing I want to talk about at moment is the situation and I know I would only get I'm not talking about it

This is pathetic of me am a 58 year old woman and it's now got to the point I don't feel I can broach the subject of going separate ways due to how he reacts when I tried to discuss things. He gets very nasty with his tongue(which I can take, but upsets me) in the past I've started crying from the hurtful things he's said and got oh don't start the tears. He can't see what he's said/doing is very hurtful.

I really think I want to split, pathetic I know but I don't know where to start!!

As most have said, line my ducks up get information first.
So I go solicitors and get DOT looked at
What other questions do I need to ask???????
Make a will
I got house valued month ago £250 with selling fee of 0.75%

Xxx

Do I go local solicitor £200 hr
Or city centre, top street name but £325+vat hr

Get an appointment at your local Citizens Advice Bureau first. They will be able to answer some of your questions and they will probably have a list of good local solicitors who are willing to give you a free 1st hour of advice.

Good luck!

"He gets very nasty with his tongue(which I can take, but upsets me) in the past I've started crying from the hurtful things he's said and got oh don't start the tears. He can't see what he's said/doing is very hurtful."

So I was right, then, when I suspected emotional abuse.

I think you should call Women's Aid for advice. They should be able to recommend solicitors with experience of dealing with abusive and difficult men, too. Find a good one because you'll need it!

PS You are NOT pathetic. You are a strong woman who has been weakened by an abusive man. But that's his fault not yours. Now you've decided to end it (the right decision) you just need to enlist a bit of help to do. Solicitor and moral support from family and/or friends!