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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

daughter really upset about forthcoming school trip

311 replies

Dieu · 14/10/2015 23:28

Hello everyone
My 14 year old daughter goes to a private girls' school, and is in short a really nice kid. She doesn't have a nasty bone, and does well to navigate some of the bitching that goes on at her school.
The school also has a separate boys' high, and occasionally the two come together for trips.
There is going to be a week long residential trip next year, and I have just broken the news to her that it's compulsory (and not optional, as she originally thought).
Her reaction was pretty bad, and she's really upset. She is terrified of being put together with the boys for that long. To be fair, as with any school (and gender!) some of them can be extremely nasty and their attitudes towards girls just awful. I think my daughter has seen a lot of it on social media, and it's the lack of escape on the trip that's worrying her.
Apparently the showers there are shared, and they wear their swimming costumes in them. SOME boys will think nothing of commenting on the girls' body shapes, etc. Of course my daughter is beautiful in my eyes, and in her own, but she knows herself that as someone who is tallest, ginger, not the skinniest etc, she could be a target for them.
She's normally a very reasonable, lovely girl but her reaction has worried me. Of course I tried to say all the right things, that the thought will be worse than the reality, that the boys probably won't care, that she shouldn't care etc. It sounded hollow though, and like I was trying to minimise her distress.
I'm normally a 'chin up and get on with it' parent and try not to pander to too much nonsense, but she's really scared and upset. She says she won't eat in front of the boys, so as not to attract nasty comments from them.
Gaaah. How would you prepare your teenage daughter for this trip?
Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dieu · 15/10/2015 13:50

Wind your neck in Poopy. I don't hate her school at all, and no school is perfect or all bad, whether state or private.

OP posts:
Poopy22 · 15/10/2015 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Dieu · 15/10/2015 13:57

Oh, she can be 'hard' when she needs to be. Her problem, as I've already explained, is shyness around the opposite sex. Perhaps offer advice on that, rather than attack my daughter and I, or my choices for her education.

OP posts:
thebestfurchinchilla · 15/10/2015 14:04

I hope the school get back to you quickly as I'm sure that can't be right about the showers. My 15 year old would not be happy about that and neither would I. If it is the case then I think you would have strong grounds to complain. There must be other parents who feel the same. As for the rest of the trip I'm sure it will all work out fine and remember that not all boys are monsters and if she can cope with the bitchiness of girls that age then she'll be more than capable. Good luck.

Original poster
Dieu · 15/10/2015 14:07

Thanks! I'm sure it will work out fine, and be good for her. And school has confirmed that the showers scenario is nonsense!

OP posts:
thebestfurchinchilla · 15/10/2015 14:07

poppy22 In my opinion you deserved that, your post was very aggressive.

thebestfurchinchilla · 15/10/2015 14:08

That's great Dieu. It's amazing how these whispers get around isn't it? Hope she has a great time!

ConferencePear · 15/10/2015 14:13

I'll resist the temptation to so 'I told you so' in an earlier post.
I'm sure your daughter will have a lovely time in spite of her worries. If the school has been doing this trip for a long time they will have plenty of experience of dealing with any possible problems.

Waltermittythesequel · 15/10/2015 14:15

All of my children and most of my nieces and nephews are in a martial art. It's been really good for them.

It is physical but nothing they can't handle to begin with so could be a definite option for her.

Hopefully her mind can be put a little at ease re: showers now.

AliMonkey · 15/10/2015 14:15

Whilst it obviously isn't working well for OP's DD, this attitude that single sex schools mean scared of opposite sex is just wrong. If you only ever mix with your own sex then fair enough but the answer is to make sure you do. I went to a girls school but must of my social activities were with mixed groups. My sister went to same school but didn't have any outside interests - which for her meant she then went a bit too much the other way when exposed to men when she went to uni (but calmed down fairly quickly!)

In terms of preparing for the trip, which was OP's original question, encouraging her to go to activities (youth club, sports club, hobby related) which involve boys will help. A definitive answer on the showers would be good too. Also just remind her of all the times she's not looked forward to something but ended up enjoying it.

MrsCaecilius · 15/10/2015 14:16

Dieu good luck for the trip. You seem like a very caring and thoughtful mother supporting your daughter in the best way possible.

Take no notice of some of the idiots posting on here, their comments are more a reflection on the chips on their own shoulders than anything to do with your family...

derxa · 15/10/2015 14:18

Thank God for that OP. I'm sure the trip will do her the world of good. Schools have very strict safeguarding procedures and I'm sure the school would be aware that you could sue the pants off them if things weren't right. This mixed showering thing could never have been true. You can ask all your questions at the pre trip meeting. They'll have heard it all before because they've been doing this trip since the year dot.
Very sad to hear about the harassment some teenage girls go through.

Good luck to your DD.

specialsubject · 15/10/2015 14:21

pleased but not surprised that the shared showers thing was a lie. Of course it was.

worried about the 'won't be seen eating in front of boys'. That needs addressing. Not wanting to be seen eating is abnormal behaviour and needs help.

hope she has a good week getting muddy, dirty, exhausted and plenty of fresh air.

Lalsy · 15/10/2015 14:38

OP, my dc are at a mixed school and always take swimming things to shower in on trips. The showers are always single sex and usually attached to the rooms. They are encouraged to wear swimming things for various reasons I think, not least to protect staff who have to come in if there is a problem, and in case some are not comfortable with nudity. It is standard practice. maybe this is where that rumour has started? I can understand you falling for it - it does seem an odd thing to do!

I'd hope the staff of both schools would supervise carefully and model good, friendly, respectful behaviour given they have bothered to organise a joint trip. Some children are shy and tend to have friends of their own sex even in happily mixed schools, and everyone develops at different times. I hope she has a lovely and exciting time.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 15/10/2015 14:47

Lurked - I didn't even mention harassment ffs, just body shaming

But why? It's all a bit wotaboutdawomenz, but the wrong way round, that! We weren't saying 'who's worst at body shaming', and yes, women sometimes make very critical remarks. We were talking about boys and their remarks to girls, so why the need to start on about women being worst? If you even actually know that's true, anyway...

Lurkedforever1 · 15/10/2015 14:51

Were we seek? I was answering the op. Based on the fact her dd is worried boys will make cruel comments about the fact she's tall/ not skinny/ ginger haired. Thus I thought it was relevant to point out its other females who do that more than lads.

overthemill · 15/10/2015 14:52

It sounds like a nightmare and IME these 'myths' are just that. Wouldn't be allowed by OFSTED.

You may want to look at a book called 'helping your anxious child' on Amazon.

Boys are normal you know. I went to an all girls school and came from a family of all sisters. Only man I knew really was my dad. He wasn't much of a role model! Luckily several friends at school had brothers. Most boys aren't monsters. Some boys are horrid as they enter their teens.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 15/10/2015 14:54

Is it Lurked? How do you know this? And why is it 'females' for women, but 'lads' for men? Speaks volumes.

The DD was concerned based on what she'd seen of the boys' behaviour already - the shower thing is, thankfully, a myth, but what, you think she just hasn't been noticing the girls all doing the same and worse on social media?

laureywilliams · 15/10/2015 14:57

Dieu these threads always bring out the knobheads with their perfectly adapted, confident, worldy and yet sensitive dc. All down to their own spectacular parenting of course.

Followed by those who quickly diagnose disorders, prescribe therapies and foresee doom because of the failures of the OP and her DC.

Good luck. Thanks goodness your DD has a caring, thoughtful Mum who will support her if she has any crises of confidence.

I work in schools. Children are SO different (I realise most people on here do know this already). Some 14 year old are like adults. Some just aren't.

Thanks
derxa · 15/10/2015 14:57

Teenage boys and girls can be little shits. Is that difficult to understand?

overthemill · 15/10/2015 14:57

I do think that some teens can be horrible on social media and other places ( I have 3 d. Aged 22, 20 and 16) and if you are not one of the 'chosen' your life can be hell. I think as parents we should do all we can do help with confidence and strategies to deal with little shits basically. Glad the showers are not true and the school will do their best. The week all together may well help your dd grow in confidence. I hope so

Lurkedforever1 · 15/10/2015 15:01

op glad you got it cleared up a bit.

seek if you want to debate which gender is more critical of female appearance, then start a thread on the subject. I'm not hijacking ops to do so.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 15/10/2015 15:04

Well, you kinda did do that, Lurked, when you made your rather astonishing series of statements about what girls do, what boys do, and what they both mean by it, to be honest. It's lovely that your main concern is consoling OP, as many of us have done, rather than explaining just what on earth you meant by any of it, but you made some extraordinary comments which seemed to indicate you had certain knowledge of those things. So pretend you didn't if you like, or that you should be allowed to come out with this stuff without challenge, but it's all there.

itsmine · 15/10/2015 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrMum83 · 15/10/2015 15:09

OP- just wanted to say that I really disagree that your daughter needs therapy! FFS - she sounds like a normal, sensible and lovely 14 year old. She is apprehensive- quite rightly, I'd be more worried if she was itching to go with no reservations at all, it's a new experience.
I went to a mixed comp and was shy, not sporty, bit of a geek. As I traversed the teenage years, I developed confidence, esp when I went to Uni and wa soon bantering back and forth with boys when I developed my self confidence.
Running to a therapist is absurd (as some posters have suggested) unless you suspect a specific event has occur to induce anxiety. Keep going, you sound like a great, thoughtful Mum and I'm sure she'll enjoy it and mature in the next few years.