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Original poster

daughter really upset about forthcoming school trip

311 replies

Dieu · 14/10/2015 23:28

Hello everyone
My 14 year old daughter goes to a private girls' school, and is in short a really nice kid. She doesn't have a nasty bone, and does well to navigate some of the bitching that goes on at her school.
The school also has a separate boys' high, and occasionally the two come together for trips.
There is going to be a week long residential trip next year, and I have just broken the news to her that it's compulsory (and not optional, as she originally thought).
Her reaction was pretty bad, and she's really upset. She is terrified of being put together with the boys for that long. To be fair, as with any school (and gender!) some of them can be extremely nasty and their attitudes towards girls just awful. I think my daughter has seen a lot of it on social media, and it's the lack of escape on the trip that's worrying her.
Apparently the showers there are shared, and they wear their swimming costumes in them. SOME boys will think nothing of commenting on the girls' body shapes, etc. Of course my daughter is beautiful in my eyes, and in her own, but she knows herself that as someone who is tallest, ginger, not the skinniest etc, she could be a target for them.
She's normally a very reasonable, lovely girl but her reaction has worried me. Of course I tried to say all the right things, that the thought will be worse than the reality, that the boys probably won't care, that she shouldn't care etc. It sounded hollow though, and like I was trying to minimise her distress.
I'm normally a 'chin up and get on with it' parent and try not to pander to too much nonsense, but she's really scared and upset. She says she won't eat in front of the boys, so as not to attract nasty comments from them.
Gaaah. How would you prepare your teenage daughter for this trip?
Thanks.

OP posts:
Lurkedforever1 · 15/10/2015 15:16

seek haven't a clue what you're talking about. Perhaps if you'd actually read my first post you could have expressed your disagreement in a manner that was both logical and related to what I had posted. Either way not discussing it further on this thread.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 15/10/2015 15:18

Very sensible, Lurked, if you don't understand what you've said or why it's a problem. That's quite alright.

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2015 16:17

Those of us with teenage girls- or at least those of us who have teenage girls and who listen to them will know that sexual harassment is a part of their daily lives. However much we would all like to think it is otherwise.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 15/10/2015 16:25

Bertrand

I don't even have teenage girls (2 small DS in fact) and I am woefully aware of this

really saddens me TBH. I got it. Now the next generation get it. tis shite

I am so on the Ops side and think she is right to be concerned and address this. she and her daughter are in the right. Its society that's a mess

Sighing · 15/10/2015 16:25

^^ and certainly takes place at secondary school (every single day). Mixed school does not make you 'tougher' or somehow mske you immune to it's affects.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 15/10/2015 16:33

bertrand sorry but that is a pile of horse crap!

Many of us have open and frank relationships with our DC of both genders.
We listen and we listen good.

But if our DDs are not reporting constant sexual harassment then that is because they are not suffering it.

Jeez. Would you rather they were?

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2015 16:36

Your dd is lucky. Long may her luck continue.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 15/10/2015 16:37

I don't know if it's necessarily daily, but I think a teenage girl who never gets shouted at or commented on as she goes about her business is a rarity. As I say, I was aware of it once or twice before with my dd, but genuinely surprised at her comment about how endemic it still is.

green18 · 15/10/2015 16:44

Just spoken to my dd about this. She is 15 and has never experienced this. She does go to a girls' school but mixes with boys socially.I can't remember anything bad either apart from the odd wolf whistle situation but I always found that funny Confused

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 15/10/2015 16:46

Well, there's the rub ... whether you perceive wolf whistles as a problem or not.

lovemyway · 15/10/2015 16:48

I work in schools and have my own children. I hate the way shy chn are thought of as having a problem. I much prefer to deal with them than the pushy type who over confident. My chn were always anxious about trips and clubs as they have a sensitive nature but they have grown into wonderful caring but confident young adults. Whereas some of the other more confident pupils are rather arrogant know alls!

captainfarrell · 15/10/2015 16:49

oh i'd love a wolf whistle now....those were the days!

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2015 16:56

Would you like your 14 year old to be whistled at on her way to school?

captainfarrell · 15/10/2015 16:57

Wouldn't bother me.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 15/10/2015 16:59

The thing is, men who whistle (and personally I find that objectionable, but there have been threads already...) are also the men who will shout to let your daughter know if she's fat, or a minger, or has a big arse, or needs to smile because it won't hurt her. It's kind of part of the same thing. Men comment on and assess women - sometimes they might think they're paying a compliment, but far from always.

lovemyway · 15/10/2015 17:03

Says more about the man. I don't know a man that would call out or whistle at a woman so they're not worth knowing IMHO. As I said, I always found it funny.

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2015 17:16

Ah.

lovemyway · 15/10/2015 17:25

Oh bert you are funny!Grin

RiverTam · 15/10/2015 17:33

A lot of girls and women find wolf-whistling very intimidating. Follow @everydaySexism on Twitter, that'll open your eyes to what's going on out there, it's fucking awful.

MarianneSolong · 15/10/2015 18:06

'If our DDs are not reporting constant sexual harassment then that is because they are not suffering it.'

Not that simple. I'm a plainly dressed 56 year old woman who works in a situation where I deal with members of the public. Regularly male customers call me 'darling, 'love' and 'bab'. One man has decided to address me as 'trouble.' It is unlikely that a man in this situation would be addressed either by women, or by other men in this way.

I do not go home and tell my partner that I have been sexually harrassed. I work as part of a team, and it is understood that not all members of the public will treat staff with appropriate respect. However, if they shout, swear or abusive we can act - advising them that if they continue to act in this way they cannot use the service. This means that most service users will moderate their behaviour to an extent in our building

Young women particularly when out and about have very little protection. They'll be jostled and appraised and called names routinely - to an extent that they may perceive this is as normal. (Indeed their parents might regard this as normal). They are only likely to report the situation - especially to someone like a parent - if they fear that someone is repeatedly targeting them and singling it out, and that the situation is likely to escalate into some form of sexual/physical violence.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 15/10/2015 18:11

Excellent post, Marianne.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 15/10/2015 18:15

I think this is really a thread of its own now, so won't go on too much, but - people who are happy for your daughters to be whistled at: ok with 'you need to fucking smile, darling'? Or, 'nice tits!' Or 'yeah, I'd do you'. Or 'nice tits but your arse is fucking enormous'? Is evaluating passing women ok as long as you're broadly indicating your willingness to have sex with them? Because if they're letting women know if they'd like to shag them, you can bet they're making it clear who they wouldn't.

KERALA1 · 15/10/2015 18:20

I went to a mixed comp. no bloody way are my girls going to mixed school - not going to happen. The fact we live in a city with single sex state schools is no accident..

derxa · 15/10/2015 18:44

If I had daughters I would tell them to tell these men to fuck off. Honestly this kind of harassment didn't exist much in the '70s when/where I was. If it did I just let them know I wasn't happy. What has gone wrong?

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/10/2015 18:47

Just spoken to my dd about this. She is 15 and has never experienced this.

Your DD is extraordinarily lucky.