daughter really upset about forthcoming school trip

[Dieu]

Hello everyone
My 14 year old daughter goes to a private girls' school, and is in short a really nice kid. She doesn't have a nasty bone, and does well to navigate some of the bitching that goes on at her school.
The school also has a separate boys' high, and occasionally the two come together for trips.
There is going to be a week long residential trip next year, and I have just broken the news to her that it's compulsory (and not optional, as she originally thought).
Her reaction was pretty bad, and she's really upset. She is terrified of being put together with the boys for that long. To be fair, as with any school (and gender!) some of them can be extremely nasty and their attitudes towards girls just awful. I think my daughter has seen a lot of it on social media, and it's the lack of escape on the trip that's worrying her.
Apparently the showers there are shared, and they wear their swimming costumes in them. SOME boys will think nothing of commenting on the girls' body shapes, etc. Of course my daughter is beautiful in my eyes, and in her own, but she knows herself that as someone who is tallest, ginger, not the skinniest etc, she could be a target for them.
She's normally a very reasonable, lovely girl but her reaction has worried me. Of course I tried to say all the right things, that the thought will be worse than the reality, that the boys probably won't care, that she shouldn't care etc. It sounded hollow though, and like I was trying to minimise her distress.
I'm normally a 'chin up and get on with it' parent and try not to pander to too much nonsense, but she's really scared and upset. She says she won't eat in front of the boys, so as not to attract nasty comments from them.
Gaaah. How would you prepare your teenage daughter for this trip?
Thanks.

social media for teens can be a nightmare. all it takes are one or two active teens to be posting comments to make a shyer teen think all others are like that.

I don't agree with the single sex education means that they don't know how to deal with the opposite sex. Most will come across the opposite sex everyday, family, friends from primary, friends of parents children, being at the park, hanging around in town/park/etc.

My eldest went to a mixed sex school and it was horrendous, lots and lots of social media bullying, physical and verbal bullying, lots caused by the want/need to impress the opposite sex. DS1 receiving highly inappropriate images on his social media without requesting them etc.

DS2 goes to an all boys school and this is a rare thing to happen. If someone receives a picture or horrible comment its shocking as on the whole they are a supportive good bunch. They mix with the local all girls school for discos and some school concerts/performances and some trips.

sheba that's not a summation of the thread and what's relevant at all.

Yes, I think social media is a nightmare. Even on an essentially well-run trip, with responsible staff the use of social media is not something that can be controlled. So images and comments - which may be extremely unkind - can be shared widely among literally thousands of young people. This is a real ordeal for anyone who is even the tiniest bit different. (Too tall, too short, too thin, not thin enough, too clever, not clever enough.)

If my son ever called a girl a slag and I found out about it he would be for the high jump. I've always tried to discuss with him the impact that sort of language has on girls and have told him about my own experiences to help him frame it in reality. It is possible for some boys to have empathy. I hate the inference that I am somehow unaware that my son is a raving misogynist.

I understand that I don't know everything about his life but I am fairly confident that as an intelligent person who has been raised with a solid moral compass that he isn't going to go out of his way to victimise or abuse other human beings. But hey what do I know, he's obviously on a secret diet of 4Chan and trolling girls on Facebook. As if.

itsmine - I agree that it is possible that the shared shower thing is after swimming, not for all showers. That's because communal changing and showers (with the communal changing having lots of cubicles - nobody is expected to get naked in front of the opposite sex) is actually quite common in my relatively extensive experience of public swimming pools. Doesn't happen at every pool but does at quite a few. This residential might be using a public swimming pool too or might be at a single-sex school where there isn't the need for separate facilities in term-time.

It's still a problem however - sharing the pool is one thing, because you're underwater half the time, but in the showers you're in full view. And it's different to communal facilities at public pools because kids would usually either have their parents or friends with them or they'd have the the option of using the individual cubicles that are usually also there and no-one will comment on it like they might at a school residential.

Anyway, it might not be shared at all, so that would be one worry gone. :) It's just not an unreasonable worry and the OP did email the teacher.

When's the trip, OP? Will there be any contact with the boys before the trip?

I think going out and doing new things is tough for adults, let alone teenager. Mumsnet is full of adult women posting things like. 'My in laws are coming to stay. What shall I do?' 'I've got this wedding to go to, but there's a problem. Should I not go?' 'I have got this job application to write, but don't know what to say.' 'I am wondering whether to go back to work, but the pay will be low, my husband isn't enouraging and there is no childcare.'

By and large, people responds with constructive comments.

A teenager feels apprehension about a week-long trip, where she won't know half the people involved, and where there is a realistic chance that some of them may so do or things that will make her feel vulnerable and unhappy.

While a significant people here feel that that apprehension is reasonable, and that there are things one can - and should do by way of preparation and support, it's a bit worrying that there are people who want to dismiss the entire issue, saying the only problems are in the mother's - or daughter's head.

Forgot to answer the question. I don't think I would make my daughter go if she really was that against going. However I would make sure that we dealt with any fears she may have such as the showers, making sure she was in groups/dorms with her friends etc

If she still really did not want to go and everyone else really was going then I would let her stay home, not for a jolly though, there would be plenty of studying and reading going on, even if it was subject revision on bitesize or reading of texts for English.

oh and I don't think its entirely unlikely that a boy or girl would write on social media something that they knew was wrong/hurtful. Peer pressure and wanting to appear cool/part of the gang can make even the most unlikeliest of children do bizarre things.

I would still be horrified if my dc were to do any of these things on social media or real life.

bertrand why on earth have you quoted me and then wrote about victim blaming etc? I just pointed out in response to ops dd fearing boys being insulting about her appearance on the trip that it's usually other females who are far worse. Nowhere did I suggest if lads or girls do insult or harass her it's ok or to be tolerated.

it's usually other females who are far worse

What are you basing that on? Have you ever been out with your daughter and had a crowd of boys shouting comments about how much they'd like to fuck her? Have you ever heard your daughter's tits commented on as though she's put them out there for public assessment? Have you ever been shouted at/had a horn beeped at you/been offered an assessment of how fuckable you are that you didn't ask for? And if you have, was it women or men who did that?

Yes, teenagers of both sexes can be unpleasant and judgmental - but I don't get where you're coming from with the 'females are worse' thing on this.

Hello everyone. Thanks for bearing with me. I can confirm that I have just heard from my daughter's form tutor, who said that of all the strange rumours she has heard about the trip, this one tops the lot
So the mixed showering facilities are a definite no, I'm pleased to report (and I feel very silly for having half believing it, but private schools can honestly be a law unto themselves !
There will be a meeting for all parents prior to the trip, and I will encourage staff to speak to BOTH parties in advance of the trip, about appropriate language and behaviour around each other.
This trip has been going on at the school forever, so I think they're well aware that many children will be feeling nervous and apprehensive. It's strange for them all to be chucked together for a week, when they have their academic lives apart!
I need to work on my daughter having more positive male interaction in her life, which has been sadly lacking, and thank you all for bringing this to my attention.

Crikey this has veered off a bit. I (perhaps naively) had hoped that actual sexual harassment in schools would be rare with proactive steps taken to avoid it and the strongest action taken where it did occur.

Schools should be safe places for girls and boys. Everyone should be learning how to be respectful of others.

X-posted.

That all sounds very sensible and healthy. Hope she has a fantastic time

Thanks!

Lurked- you said girls were worse than boys- and boys don't really mean it-as if it's just "banter" when boys do it. If that's not victim blaming I don't know what it!

Wow - what a thread! We've just applied to an all girls secondary school for DD next year and now I'm crapping myself, more about the backlash from other parents than anything else!

OP - I'm glad you've resolved the issue re showers and I hope your DD manages to get over her anxiety about the trip and have a great time. WRT to adjusting to boys - are there any activities she enjoys that she could do in mixed groups out of school? Luckily my DD is very into computing and basketball so if she does go to our first choice school will have plenty of balance with extracurricular stuff.

I really sympathise as my DD's school are running a Y6 residential for the first time next June and she has no prior experience of them and is not great at being away from home overnight. She wants to go so she doesn't look like a wuss but is really anxious about it.

seek try reading the post before you get on your high horse. I originally said when it came to body shaming females are more critical. Bert somehow translated that into victim blaming and suggesting harassment should be tolerated.

I didn't even mention harassment ffs, just body shaming. So yes when it comes to behaviour as you describe it is normally men, but in the context I'd actually mentioned it in, it's women who are the worst for judging/ criticising/ insulting each other's appearance.

That's good to hear Dieu and I hope your DD feels more at ease with the thought of going. Sometimes the things they dread or worry about end up being wonderful lifelong memories.

bert wtf? Where did I say boys don't really mean it? Or even hint it was in someway the fault of ops dd? I said when girls body shame and insult each other they are more specific than lads are.

Dieu you come across as a caring and thoughtful parent who was understandably concerncerned about her daughter.

I'm glad to hear that you got the shower situation clarified and, hopefully, the meeting at school will help allay any further fears.

Ignore the shitty commenters. Haters gonna hate, and all that!

Hi. Have not read the whole thread but something like sea cadets, air cadets, combined cadet force or similar might build her confidence and help learn to be around boys

Op you seem to hate her school and think it's a bit bonkers, why the fuck are you paying a literal fortune to send your child there? You do know state schools are perfectly nice places, not full of angry teenage boys with knives and bad attitudes?? Have you considered your dd may get a more well rounded education and life experience at one? Bloody hell you must have more money than sense!!

Really wanted her to do that PP, in order for her to meet more boys, but she opted to do the Duke of Edinburgh Award instead. She also tends to shy away from anything too physical, which doesn't help
Thanks for all the more recent comments everyone.