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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp is a twat

152 replies

Fuckingfuming82 · 11/10/2015 16:42

I've name changed because I'm so embarrassed.

One of dp and my friends came too see me today, she came to tell me that while dp was out with a bunch of our friends he took it upon himself to discuss our sex life.

He told them what gets me off and the things we get up to. The sounds I make and other really personal things that I wouldn't want anyone else knowing. Every intimate detail.

My friend said that she told him to stop it but the males of the group were egging him on to tell more. So he did.

Now I personally think that what goes on between us should stay between us. I feel humiliated and really upset. It's a total breach of trust IMO.

Aibu if I bin bag all his belongings and chuck the twat out?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckingfuming82 · 11/10/2015 23:51

I don't know what I'm going to do to be honest. I never thought he would do something like this to me.
He was the one person in the world I thought I could trust but he's proved me wrong!

OP posts:
Oneeyedbloke · 12/10/2015 00:38

Wow, what a bastard. I too don't think you should automatically LTB, but how fucking DARE he sulk?!! He knows he's fucked up, but like a child he's trying to squirm out of it, turn the tables on you, instead of owning up and apologising. You need to send this child a huge signal that you won't tolerate such disrespect. I'd chuck him out for a while, tell him you require a full & grovelling apology before you even think about letting him back into the company of decent people - and in particular your kids. Tell him, normally this is the kind of scummy behaviour you'd do anything to protect your kids from hearing or suffering, yet here it is coming from their father. If you can manage to deliver your ultimatum in as dispassionate a manner as possible, that will get the message across much more effectively than raging. Tell him to get out until he can a) apologise b) behave like an adult. Express complete indifference as to whether he complies or not. Make it clear, it's his choice - after all he chose to humiliate you, so now he can choose whether or not to do the decent thing, he's not worth expending anger on. And I'd expect the 'friends' who egged him on & shared in the 'amusement' to express their regrets before resuming any sort of friendship or civil behaviour towards them. I am so sorry for you, if anyone should suffer public humiliation it should be him, honestly this kind of behaviour should be a thing of the past. I hope for your sake this finally wises him up, 37 is late to grow up but it won't happen unless you make him realise just how seriously he's fucked up.

Oneeyedbloke · 12/10/2015 00:50

Don't let him try to make out you're being unreasonable. My wife would kick me out if I did this to her, pissed or otherwise, and I would deserve it. Alcohol removes inhibitions but what was this doing in his mind in the first place? He needs reminding you're a PERSON not someone in a dirty joke. He needs to feel some humiliation, then maybe he'll get what he's done to you. Don't engage in argument with him, just ask him why are you still here? And make him offer an explanation to your children why he's having to move out/sleep on the couch/whatever.

proudmum690 · 12/10/2015 01:30

you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel about this and what you're going to do if he continues, like a loss of trust or even kicking him out. bluntly. otherwise he's going to continue doing it. its not fair on you

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/10/2015 01:34

Oh dear, how awful that he's sulking and trying to manipulate his way out of the situation. Does he not realise that he's making it worse as he's continuing his lack of respect. Ffs.

Hope you're ok OP.

TwoTonTessie · 12/10/2015 07:05

No attempt at any kind of apology? What a piece of work. I couldn't live with someone like that.

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/10/2015 07:15

This kind of behaviour doesn't come out of the blue. He may not have ever crossed the line quite like this before, but I will bet anything that there will have been other instances where he's acted like a stupid immature frat boy to impress his mates and then thrown a tantrum when expected to own his actions.

I can't be dealing with drips and cowards and whinging pissbabies like this, especially not when they treat their supposed loved ones so poorly. They aren't men. He's not a man.

Sleeping on it actually made me angrier on your behalf. If he won't accept responsibility, apologise and make good, I couldn't stick around knowing he thinks this is an acceptable way to treat someone.

A part of me actually thinks this is worse than an affair. An affair MIGHT happen for all sorts of complicated reasons (not an excuse, of course), but the only reason he had for doing this to you was to impress his mates and act like a shit.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 12/10/2015 07:35

If he was a decent person, and truly didn't remember, he would have immediately been horrified and mortified that he betrayed your trust like that. He would have apologised, and done whatever he could to reassure you that it would never ever happen again, including cutting out booze if that's what loosened his tongue. And he would have spoken to his friends, telling them it was an awful thing that he did, and that any leering or jokes needed to stop immediately or they would no longer be friends.

Instead he's pouting like a child caught stealing sweets. He clearly remembers and is angry and sulking because you've dared to call him out on his behaviour.

What an awful specimen he is!

diddl · 12/10/2015 07:42

It's not just what he did, but that he has such a shit choice in friends that they encouraged him!

pictish · 12/10/2015 07:50

He does remember. He remembers perfectly well. He just wants you to shut up about it and gloss over his wrongdoing. Don't.

pictish · 12/10/2015 07:58

I mean, he has hurt and embarrassed you....how dare he be in a sulk?!

No, don't tolerate his self pity and attitude that you should shut up about it. What an arsehole.

QOD · 12/10/2015 08:01

I like the idea of your friend colluding with you that she told you and you lyao and said it's not like that, he watches porn a lot and can rarely get it up

pudcat · 12/10/2015 08:03

He does remember if he is sulking. He would have shown incredulity if he had not remembered. I just hope for your sake that no one, with a vicious streak, recorded him on their phone and is showing it around. Can you get your friend to tell him exactly what he did and said. My trust in him would be gone forever and I would throw him out or leave him, whichever is quickest to do. What goes on in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/10/2015 08:18

I agree that he will have done similar childish, nasty things before. Unfortunately OP, because you have been together since you were really young, you will have got used to excusing and glossing over his poor behaviour in the past but it will have been there.

reni2 · 12/10/2015 08:50

I would be sorely tempted to tell your friend to tell his drunken mates "Really? Fuckingfuming told me there hasn't been any sex since the birth of dc3!" and leave it there. Would be equally knobbish of course, but oh so tempting.

thehypocritesoaf · 12/10/2015 08:57

Well I would be out for revenge- I'd put on facebook or email several things/personal/private things doesn't have to be sexual- then let everyone know. If he's ever slagged off one of his twatty friends I would include that. I'd also say something likes 'dh is not at all experienced but he watches a lot of porn. He begged me to 'squirt' on him so I did. The prat still hasn't worked out what it was.

Then I would say I can't remember doing it.

EllyHigginbottom · 12/10/2015 09:05

I would be reevaluating my marriage if my husband did this. I'm so sorry. I hope he comes to understand the scale of his betrayal.

LadyNym · 12/10/2015 10:51

You're not allowed to be pissed off because he can't remember?? So, if he'd slept with someone else or hit you when drunk would it have been fine and something you shouldn't mention if he couldn't remember doing it? Of course not. Being drunk and not being able to remember what he did (if that's even true) doesn't excuse the fact he did it.

clam · 12/10/2015 10:56

And whether he remembers it or not (and I call 'bullshit' on that), you still have to deal with the fallout.

First step for him is to give up alcohol. That should show whether he's committed to making amends on this one. Although I wouldn't hold your breath, as his attitude so far isn't looking promising.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/10/2015 11:17

I would be sorely tempted to tell your friend to tell his drunken mates "Really? Fuckingfuming told me there hasn't been any sex since the birth of dc3!" and leave it there. Would be equally knobbish of course, but oh so tempting.

I'd swap that for "What? But Fuckingfuming's husband has been having treatment for erectile dsyfunction for 3 yrs now?"

He does remember. He remembers perfectly well. He just wants you to shut up about it and gloss over his wrongdoing. Don't.
This^^ With bells on.

thehypocritesoaf · 12/10/2015 11:43

I wouldn't make up anything. I would tell them truths. Anything secret. There must be something in 18 years.

reni2 · 12/10/2015 12:05

Can you organise a night out with the partners of all these unpleasant guys? Then you come home slightly worse for wear and cheerfully announce you all had a good talk, bit of comparing notes re: sizes and stamina etc. Childish blokes like that will be shitting themselves.

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/10/2015 12:21

I wouldn't, simply because man children like that would love nothing more than to be audience to their mate being involved in a pissing match like that in public and calling for more and more nasty details for their own entertainment. But not because the horrible prick deserves clemency.

I would honestly find an affair easier to give. This had the sole intention of humiliating his wife to puff himself up and the breach of trust is equal if not worse.

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/10/2015 12:22

*forgive

EllyHigginbottom · 12/10/2015 12:23

I love a good measure of revenge as much as anyone else, but surely talking about her husband's penis size is not going to make the OP feel any better. Discretion being the better part of valour, and all that.

I wouldn't insist that he stop drinking, either. I'd be looking for him to suggest that he thinks he needs to stop drinking.