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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop DDs dance lessons

156 replies

Thisishalloweenfifteen · 10/10/2015 18:18

DD has done a bit of baby ballet and she loves everything about it. Loves the costumes, the other girls, the music and her passion for dance can't be matched.

Unfortunately, even to my doting eyes I can see she's got no talent at all. Fundamentally, she's just the wrong shape - slightly protruding tummy, short legs and long body, no natural sense of rhythm.

I'm concerned that getting older will lead to mocking and that it means she isn't doing something she actually could shine at (can only really afford two extra curricular things at present) - or should I just let her do it as she loves it?

Thoughts? :)

OP posts:
shebird · 11/10/2015 16:35

Both my DDs have done ballet from a young age. I have seen all shapes and sizes in their classes and I have never known this to be an issue. Slim and petite does not automatically equal good dancer. There so many positives to her continuing dance, stamina, fitness, musicality, expression and most of all she enjoys it.

kiggenpaws · 11/10/2015 16:42

She's 4. 4 She's not going to have the body shape and grace of Margot Fonteyn at this point, nor is she currently considering her future at the Royal Ballet. And neither are all her friends (except perhaps those with massively pushy parents, and I would suggest ignoring them as much as possible in any event).

At the moment I imagine she just enjoys leaping about to the music, waving her arms about and generally feeling the music. Why would you want to take that joy away from her just because you think she is going to fail at it? Because that's what you're essentially saying here. We lose a lot of joy as we get older anyway, and have to settle into the mundane world. Please don't accelerate that for your daughter.

me1983 · 12/10/2015 11:53

Totally agree with RachelZoe. The problem with snotty parents is their inability to allow their children to do fun things, things they love, things that are confidence building. The only person who seems ashamed and embarrassed is you, and if I was your daughter I would be wondering what I did wrong to pick out such a short straw of an ignorant parent like you.

worldgonecrazy · 12/10/2015 12:01

My DD will never be a great ballet dancer, but she may be a great dancer in another genre. The discipline and skills taught through ballet will serve her well in life, regardless of what she chooses to do when she's older.

I did ballet until 12/13 and it still shows, 30+ years later.

Micah · 12/10/2015 12:05

Ballet is also a very good starting point for other sports. It teaches spatial awareness, control, strength, flexibility, as well as how to follow instructions and apply corrections. It also teaches musicality, and in many cases, basic french (steps and moves have french names- plie, demi-bra etc).

If in the future she decides that ballet isn't for her, it'll give her a head start on any other sport she wants to take up. Or instrument, or language :)

highlighta · 12/10/2015 12:12

Sorry I haven't read all the replies.

Dancing is beneficial for so many other factors though.

She is only 4. My dd had a total different body shape at 4 to what she has now. Please let her continue if she loves it.
And don't pass on your body issues to her .........please...

roamer2 · 12/10/2015 12:15

It may depend on the ballet school - whether it is highly competitive or not. IME if she is prepared to work hard and enjoys it she may actually do well as many more graceful children may drops out. Sometimes ballet can suit the less graceful because it is rigid patterns to learn rather than going with the flow of modern dancing. Also today with more emphasis on physical activity you get all body shapes at dance schools

highlighta · 12/10/2015 12:18

Sorry, I also meant to add.

Ballet is the starting block for all dancing imo. She may decide not to continue with ballet, but take up contemporary or another dance instead. But the basics she will already know. I can always tell if a dancer doing something other than ballet, has had some ballet training.

MiaowTheCat · 12/10/2015 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janeymoo50 · 12/10/2015 14:02

It almost sounds as if you are slightly embarrased by her. I know plenty of 4 year olds who did ballet and weren't budding stars but they loved it. Many of them grew out of the "little girl ballet stage" by the time they were 7 or so plus her body will become much longer and leaner within the next few years as I always noticed a change between the slightly rotund tummy 4 year I once knew to the leaner 7/8 year old with long legs she became. Let her enjoy it while she can and just accept that she might not be the next Darcy Bussel but that's not really the important thing here.

OnlyLovers · 12/10/2015 14:03

She's 4, for heaven's sake!

If she loves it, let her carry on. Something else will probably come along and take her fancy at some point anyway.

TBH it sounds as though the only one threatening to mock or otherwise criticise her is you.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 12/10/2015 14:10

Of course she hasn't got a dancer's build or shape - she's 4!

If she enjoys it let her carry on.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 12/10/2015 14:35

I've come at a similar question from exactly the opposite angle. I made my ds1 stick at piano for 3 years even though and to a degree because he was untalented at it - partly to give him a basic (it did prove to be very basic) skill set/understanding of music and partly because he found everything at school so easy that he was, IMO, missing the experience of having to struggle and focus and practise and 'learn to learn'. He took up trumpet 1.5y ago and has both proved good at it and, more importantly, thoroughly enjoys it, so I have just let him give up piano and take up baritone horn instead

I was an awful overachiever growing up and tbh it would have done me good to do something, in a supportive environment, that I wasn't much good at - which in my case would have been sport. I think it can help children to learn that 'failure' isn't the end of the world and that doing something has inherent rewards beyond coming out on top, iyswim.

leedy · 12/10/2015 14:36

Of course you should let her do it if she loves it!

I have in no way a dancer's build (stocky with short legs), I'm not particularly graceful, but I did dance in various forms (ballet, tap, jazz) from when I was 4 til I was about 15 and while I wasn't amazing at it, I loved it. I was also genuinely bad at most team sports or anything involving a ball, so dance was my main form of exercise as a teenager.

Sallystyle · 12/10/2015 15:02

Well after 100 posts of people saying the same thing I gather you understand you are being unreasonable by now? Grin

I understand your thought process and don't think you are being mean but hopefully now you can see how you were looking at this all wrong and will let your daughter continue.

kawliga · 12/10/2015 21:53

Also, remember Mozart, whose teacher told him he had NO TALENT for music. Well, he turned out to be wrong. So many Nobel prize winners have stories of having been told by their teachers in the early years that they have no talent whatsoever and would amount to nothing in life. There wa a Russian space scientist who spent years in manual labour because he was assessed and told that's all he would ever be good for. Not saying your dd will turn out to be the greatest ballerina ever, but just to say that it's difficult to assess skill and talent at age 4.

Pilgit · 12/10/2015 22:24

Ballet is great as whilst it is fun it requires perseverance and discipline. No matter what size or shape you are thsee lessons are vital. DD1 does ballet - she loves it because she gets to dance. I love it as it teaches her she has to work at something to be good - an important lesson as she finds academic stuff easy. The girls are all shapes and sizes and all talent levels.

kungpopanda · 13/10/2015 06:04

A dissenting voice here. If she is a talentless lump, don't waste your money. If she is a lump, but one that shows some aptitude and is happy to go on, then go on. It will become very clear to her when she's reached the end of the road.

IguanaTail · 13/10/2015 06:33

There will be things in her life that she will have to do despite not liking them. And there will be things she can't do because it's too expensive.

This is something she loves. Leave her be.
If she starts not wanting to go then she will tell you and you can then start having a rethink. If you take her out now, years later it will come out "protruding tummy" "clunking around" - it's really hurtful. Who cares if she's not a graceful swan (apart from you)? Please don't ever mention your doubts about her physique. She will remember it forever.

IguanaTail · 13/10/2015 06:34

"Talentless lump" awwww what a sweet thing to say kung

pearpotter · 13/10/2015 06:45

What a horrible way to think about your daughter. Read the comments and have a word with yourself, OP.

Senpai · 13/10/2015 06:52

I was the same way, I sort of did my own thing on the stage and in class. That was all well and good until I was about 8 or 9 and still wasn't in rhythm with the other girls. They weren't nice about it either. Before recitals they'd say things like "We'll do fine as long as Senpai doesn't mess it up.. again". Which really they shot themselves in the foot by making me nervous if they didn't want their recital to "look bad". Anyway the teacher didn't do anything about it I think she wanted me out of her class anyway, I ended up quitting because of it. I still did other sports that were part of a team but required individual effort and progress, like track or karate.

I'd let her decide when to quit if you're willing to pay for lessons still. She loves doing it, let her learn on her own what her niche is. Part of growing up is learning what you're good or bad at, not having your parents tell you.

Senpai · 13/10/2015 07:02

Oh, and having the other girls pick on me didn't scar me for life. I still had friends at school and other sports clubs. It just wasn't fun feeling frustrated during classes seeing something that came easily for the other girls and hard for me.

I found other hobbies and was quite happy with those. I have a friend who grew up doing ballet all the way through school and ended up in a STEM career. She was actually quite good at it. But honestly, there's no money in professional ballet. I wouldn't worry about whether it's even her "thing" or not, it's highly unlikely she'll use it outside of an enjoyable activity she remembers as a kid.

Geekmama · 13/10/2015 07:38

She's 4! let her do it, if she's enjoying it. The message that your giving your daughter Is that if you can't do it in the first five minutes then stop. Hmm if she got to the age of 10 Still wasn't very good and wanted to join the Royal Ballet then it's time for a talk about limitations but also what she could do to improve. But even then I would say let her do it If she enjoys it. it Supposed to be fun after all. Smile

PinguForPresident · 13/10/2015 08:02

At 4 I was a baby elephant in a leotard. At 6 my mum stopped me dancing because she said I was "too fat". At 10 I started again and at 12 had my first professional job. I worked as a (tall, slim) musical theatre dancer for years.

And I had a cracking eating disorder from believing what my mum said about me being too fat to dance when I was 6.

Let your daughter dance, and don't ever let her know what you said about her body shape.

Incidentally, my daughter is 6, nearly 7 and is exactly the same shape as I was at her age - not a ballet shape at all. She did, however, come top of her class in her exam and has been invited to dance in a show with girls several years older.