To stop DDs dance lessons

[Thisishalloweenfifteen]

DD has done a bit of baby ballet and she loves everything about it. Loves the costumes, the other girls, the music and her passion for dance can't be matched.

Unfortunately, even to my doting eyes I can see she's got no talent at all. Fundamentally, she's just the wrong shape - slightly protruding tummy, short legs and long body, no natural sense of rhythm.

I'm concerned that getting older will lead to mocking and that it means she isn't doing something she actually could shine at (can only really afford two extra curricular things at present) - or should I just let her do it as she loves it?

Thoughts? :)

She is four and you are talking about her 'protruding tummy' and lack of talent? Wow. YABU. I suggest you take some serious time to sort out your thinking on things like this, before your daughter picks up on your attitude.

She loves it. Who cares if she's not going to be the next prima ballerina? I take dance classes, I'm utter shit but it makes me happy. I'm not planning on becoming a professional.

Her body shape may well change as she grows but even if she never has a dancer's build, she should be encouraged to enjoy moving and using her body no matter what it looks like. Art and dance are not just about being 'good' or 'suited' but about joyfulness, creativity and self expression. Don't stifle her, God knows she'll get enough pressure about her looks as she gets older, like any other woman.

Really can't believe you're thinking of stopping her doing something she loves because she hasn't got the body or perfect grace at the age of 4...

She's 4! Poor little girl, if she enjoys it at on earth would you consider not letting her do it?

It isn't quite that, Sheba, and it is entirely possible I am projecting. I just don't want her to be set up to fail, when she could be learning a skill that she would excel at and that would hopefully give her confidence.

I can only tell you about our experience but dd found out about 9 when she started puberty that she was going to be a large dancer and went all awkward is the best description.
however, having danced since 2.5 she had gained such discipline and as your dd enjoyed every bit of it.
She concentrated on music her other passion and is now at a fabulous elite specialist music school and is very gifted.
I don't think for all her talent she'd have had the discipline to self motivate, e as determined etc had she not danced for all those years.
Maybe get her involved with music if she likes this and when the inevitable clashes happen as she gets older, let her choose.

I'd definitely let her carry on if she loves it. IME these activities don't start getting competitive until around 8 or 9.

She's only 4, if she enjoys it let her continue. It doesn't matter what other people think.

I had the same kind of body shape....and did ballet, tap and jazz from 5 until about 14....I was always way taller than everyone else, generally bigger etc. By the time I was 11 I had boobs and hips....but I carried on going. Sure, I ended up with the 'male' parts in the annual show etc, and was always on the back row.

I really enjoyed it though! I knew I was never going to be a ballerina

Turns out at 35 that I'm an open water swimmer and a kickboxer...I'm still fairly chunky and very labrador-y though!

I think that learning to persevere even when you're not the best is an extremely important skill. And working hard at one thing will give her the skills to work hard in other things in the future. Best to let her get on with it. And whatever you think you might be projecting - try and get on top of that.

'More suited'? At 4?
At 4, you do stuff because you enjoy it. Being good or bad is completely and utterly irrelevant. Is she having fun?

I have three kids in dance. The eldest is now 15 and has been in ballet since she was three. She is not a natural dancer, has absolutely no chance at all of dancing professionally (even if she wanted to, which she doesn't) but loves it. It is fantastic for her confidence, her determination, and her personal discipline (this follows through into her determination to keep up with homework, get the best grades she can, etc)
Middle kid is 13. He started dance at 2 because he literally can't stand still if music is playing, and dd1's dance teacher just said 'for goodness sake, let him join in'. He has entirely his own sense of rhythm, but he loves it.

My youngest is 12. She has cerebral palsy. She has been taking ballet since she was 5 (when she first started, she couldn't stand unaided). She adores it, is in a regular dance class, and the stretching and movement have been an absolute godsend for her, and have reduced the amount of necessary physiotherapy. At 12 with cp, she is in no way at all capable of keeping up with her peers. Pipe dream. No one gives a toss. I am utterly boggles that in your world view I should have redirected her years ago into something more 'suitable'.

I am actually staggered that at 4 you are eyeing up your kid and judging her worth to continue an activity based on her 4 year old body shape and outdated notions of grace. I have yet to see any grace develop across a ballet class until about 10. And I've seen a few.

If you had told me at four that dd1 would dance pointe, I would have laughed. But she does. She loves it. She is under no illusions as to her ability. When she says 'my feet are terrible!' And grins, she doesn't mean that they are 'ugly dancer feet', she means that despite her best efforts, she doesn't have the 'right' flex and movement to be a professional. And she cares not a jot. And she dances about ten hours a week.

Should you 'let' her do something she enjoys? Is that even a real question? I mean, I get the angst about mocking, really I do. (I have a kid with cp in ballet, for goodness sake) but maybe you should be more concerned about enjoyment and fun for your dd, rather than what anyone else might think at some notional point in the future?

Unless she went on to ballet classes where they humiliate and discriminate against kids based on their body shape, I can't see the problem. Even then, it would be a problem for that ballet school, rather than for her.

But if you're worrying about what she looks like then you probably need to be careful about things like commenting on how she and the other girls look in their leotards etc. It would be sad if she picked up on your anxieties about her body shape being wrong and then wanted to stop dancing.

OP, she can't be set up to fail when the only purpose is to enjoy herself and her body and her freedom of expression. So if at some point she does become self conscious about her lack of talent or her looks (she's 4! Please may that not be for ages! Don't hurry the process!), that's what you can say to her. "Well, do you enjoy it? Are you having fun? Does it make you happy? That's all that matters then!" Not everything has to be done for the purpose of being brilliant or looking good. Sometimes the purpose is just to enjoy!

Anyway, she's a very young child. She'll be exposed to loads of new things to learn over the years. I find your outlook very strange indeed.

Well how you can tell whether a four-year-old child has talent, OP, I don't know? My mum was sure that my little dd danced like a baby elephant and was also a no go, and dd is now a professional dancer. But I would not take even the most talented of children to a class where I thought other mothers and children would be mean to a child who found it slightly harder.

The class will teach your child a lot and it is much too early to talk about talent.

Well, I do see your point there mello, but given the nature of ballet, I just don't know if struggling in a leotard surrounded by graceful swans and mirrors will be helpful to anything, which is why I'm asking on here.

I am projecting as she has a very similar body shape to me and whilst neither of us are fat, we don't have that streamlined elegant look either. My dad (who I hugely respect and had a great relationship with) forbade me from dance classes because he said I was the wrong shape, and I am worried about as I say, setting DD up to fail and also about missing an opportunity to do something else she would be good at.

But she's 4, she has plenty of time to decide if she would rather do something else. You should be more worried about giving your DD body issues than 'setting her up to fail'

Ah, well there is your answer. Thanks dad, for giving you self-confidence issues around your own body shape that you are now in danger of passing on to your dd.

Fuck that. Really. Celebrate her body, celebrate her efforts and having fun and being with her friends hopping round a dance studio. There is nothing wrong with her body shape, and nothing wrong with yours.

I am sorry your dad did that to you. You could have enjoyed years of dance and learned to love what your body can do, instead of feeling there are places you can't go, and things you must not do because of it. What a crying shame for you.

That's not really what happened, madwoman - will have a think.

YABU.

I shamed myself this year at sports day. DS1 is 7 and has his dad's build. He's very, very tall, has broad shoulders for his age, huge hands and feet and head. He was late to crawl, late to walk and the most awfully clumsy toddler I've ever seen (seriously, A&E jobs more times than I can remember).

Although he's fantastic at swimming, rugby, football he's always been awful at running and athletics. His feet are too big, his legs too long, he's too solid and broad and clumsy and just can't move quickly (so I thought).

This year at sports day I was ready and waiting with the conciliatory 'Well done, you trying your best is what matters' because every year since nursery he's come last in sprints and relay and obstacle courses.

This year, on his 5th school sports day, the bugger won every race. He seems to have suddenly grown into his height, his feet, his build and now his long legs are working to his advantage. I was really ashamed of myself for having so little faith in him and for already pigeon-holing him into a 'he's not good at athletics' box.

It sounds like that's what you're doing op. She's four. She might be rubbish now. And slightly less rubbish next year. And OK the year after. And bloody fantastic by the time she's ten.

At age 4 my daughter had that toddler protruding belly & was quite clumsy. (She still is in real life)

She's now 13 & at vocational dance school.

I think that working hard at something and progressing is inherently satisfying. There's nothing inherently problematic about mirrors - or about not being elegant! If she finds something else she wants to do she can switch. Remember that very few people are going to be prima ballerina in the royal ballet!

forbade me from dance classes because he said I was the wrong shape

And he has apparently left you with a legacy of body image issues that you are considering starting the process of passing on to your daughter. You can make a choice to break this cycle now. What he did was wrong.

I have a feeling you might not be seeing that pattern here. Stand back and take a look at how that made you feel and if you want your DD to feel the same.

Your dad was wrong to tell you that and you would also be wrong to pass that message on to your dd. She is 4. If she loves ballet, let her do ballet. She may give it up when she is older, she may not. It is not for you to decide based on your predujice about body shape.

A was not exactly slim and lithe as a child, yet I got to a decent standard at ballet and loved it. I'd certainly let her carry on.

I don't feel he did rachel - other than knowing I don't look like a ballerina!

Even at four, it is possible to see DD looks awkward and clunky somehow (she isn't, but looks it) when dancing.

exercise is about enjoying movement, having fun and doing yourself some good. It is NOT about being the best - that's team sport (which is often anything but)

there is no law that says those who can't dance must not. And hopefully there never will be.