To stop DDs dance lessons

[Thisishalloweenfifteen]

DD has done a bit of baby ballet and she loves everything about it. Loves the costumes, the other girls, the music and her passion for dance can't be matched.

Unfortunately, even to my doting eyes I can see she's got no talent at all. Fundamentally, she's just the wrong shape - slightly protruding tummy, short legs and long body, no natural sense of rhythm.

I'm concerned that getting older will lead to mocking and that it means she isn't doing something she actually could shine at (can only really afford two extra curricular things at present) - or should I just let her do it as she loves it?

Thoughts? :)

My daughter was exactly the same. She became technically perfect at about 8, but had no grace at all. She enjoyed it. She decided when to give up.

My dd is 5, she is in a pre-primary class (one up from baby ballet). They all look clunky and sound like a heard of elephants but are quite clearly having a great time. The graceful movement will come in time if they continue. But if not then my dd has had fun and that is all that matters.

Yabvvvu, your attitude is worrying, she is still a baby herself, young children have protuding tummies. Please please do not let her hear what you feel about her, or your storing problems for later on. Let her do it if she enjoys it.

I'm not sure I would count dd1's cohort as being 'graceful swans' tbh. They are all fantastic and energetic teenagers who dance because they love it. there are probably two who would fit into the 'graceful swan' category (dd isn't one of them lol, dh is 6'2" and a rugby player, and she definitely takes after his side of the family - she was ecstatic to be given the male lead in last year's performance).

I HATE it when people try to pigeon-hole dance. It's not all enforced anorexia and misery. Kids of all shapes and sizes dance because they love it. 'The nature of ballet'... Do you mean your own (mis)conceptions of the nature of ballet, based on never having been to a dance school yourself, and a year of baby ballet in one dance school with your dd? Dance is physical, sweaty, unglamorous and bastarding hard work, despite the floaty stage illusion. They come out of class knackered, dripping with sweat, and occasionally bleeding.

I also love (and this makes me laugh a lot on here, where stereotypes rule ok) that dance has meant that dd never ever wears make up. Having to pile on the slap for performance has meant that she has zero interest in performing femininity for school etc etc. She is absolutely well aware of the aspects of performance involved, and so is in a much better place to choose for herself when and if to deploy that act. I find this myth that all dancers are girly and pink and fluttery and kittens hilarious. But it is so widespread! She is nails, tbh. And largely that is because of dance, not in spite of it.

The other thing, of course, is that ballet isn't the be-all and end-all. It's just an opener to a whole world of other genres. And helpful for a zillion other sports. The local karate group were trying to persuade ds to join, as because of his dance background there would be a whole host of things he would already have grasped.

I'd also agree with others that it's important you don't let on in the slightest to your DD that you feel this way. I actually doubt that it's possible to tell how talented or otherwise your DD is at age 4, nor how her body will develop, and suspect you're projecting. Also, while it's true that there is a typical ballerina build, that's not true of all dancers and not even of all ballerinas (in particular I believe there are successful African American ballerinas/choreographers who have spoken out about the traditional 'willowy' build which tends to favour whites and Asians). Finally, very few young people who do dance or any other kind of sport as a hobby will end up doing it professionally or even at a very high amateur level - and that is fine and all for the good. It really is about enjoying yourself, enjoying your body, learning discipline, self-expression, and so on. If she loves it, I think that dance will help your daughter will grow up loving her body and how it moves rather than the opposite :).

I don't think you sound horrible at all, I understand where you're coming from.

I think it depends massively in the culture of the dance school. Dd did baby ballet for a few years when she was small, she enjoyed it. She has cerebral palsy and gained a great deal from it. However, at the stage she should have moved on to a more senior class, we knocked it on the head as after 2 years is learned a lot about the culture of the school, which was very competitive, very set on competitions, medals and dance grades. I knew dd would struggle and fail to progress and I didn't want her confidence knocked so I suggested we try out some other things. She did tae kwon do for a while but never really loved it, she now does a musical theatre class which she adores and has done wonders for her confidence, plus junior rugby.

So it depends on whether your school is happy for pupils to pootle at their own place and dance for fun, or if they are super competitive like ours. If the former, let her continue. If the latter maybe look for a different type of dance like street or s musical theatre/singing/drama type class like the Pauline Quirke Academy and sell it to her as a chance to try lots of types of dancing.

I think YABU and you really need to look at your attitudes - and then work on thinking more positively about yourself and your DD. Your current outlook is potentially extremely damaging when she hits the teen years. I'm not saying this to be nasty, but I have two teenagers and I know what a struggle body image is when the teens hit. That's when they need support from parents and your outlook will not help you provide this.

As for your DD's current dance classes - they will be giving her things that will be useful for her throughout her life - confidence, core strength, balance, coordination. If she does end up taking a different path activity-wise, those things will give her a massive head start whatever the chosen activity is. Please think about that.

Thanks, Welsh :)

Ballet is very good exercise, and encourages good posture.

Lots of Pilates, is based on ballet, because it's inventor, Josef Pilates was born with rickets,many so set about finding ways to strengthen his body, to allow him to play sports such as tennis.

So, it really doesn't matter if she's any good or not. It is doing her good, and she will only get better with more practise.

Your thought process seems to be, better not to try at all, as if you try, you risk failing. This is a common message passed on to girls in our society, and is one of the factors which causes low take up of STEM subjects for girls.

Do people only give their child hobbies they think they will excel at??

I did ballet and other forms of dancing from 3-16 and I was pretty alright at it despite clearly never every going to make it as a career, but it taught me discipline, team work, and I got great friendships out of it.
If she's enjoying it let her continue!

YABU. It would be very unusual to be svelte and graceful at 4. You need to be on your daughters side, cheering her on, and keep your opinions like that to yourself

Your thought process seems to be, better not to try at all, as if you try, you risk failing. This is a common message passed on to girls in our society, and is one of the factors which causes low take up of STEM subjects for girls.

Yes, I have to say that this is precisely what I was thinking as well. I've also read that one of the reasons students in many Asian countries do better in so many academic tests than those in European countries is because of a cultural emphasis on hard work rather than natural talent. I think that learning to work hard and progress even though you are not talented is a really, really important thing to learn; it's something that I myself have struggled with and come to later in life.

Her shape is most likely to change, shes still a baby. Its mire important that she enjoys it.

Good God, if under any other circumstances a man forbade a woman from going dancing because he didn't think she had the figure for it, we'd all be up in arms. A father doing it to his daughter? That's horrendous. Unintentionally horrendous, perhaps, but horrendous nonetheless. Don't repeat his mistake.

It's really not about not excelling. It's about the culture of some ballet schools, and unless you've experienced it, it's hard to understand.

I couldn't give a stuff how dd danced compared to her peers. However the school cared very much. They were geared around churning out competition winning dancers. Beyond baby ballet, students COULD NOT participate in classes without working towards their grades/medals/whatever the fuck they do. They weren't allowed to dance for fun. It was high pressure, and I know my own child and how she'd react to that environment and it wasn't worth the heartache.

Not all dance classes are like this but a lot of them are, and it's easy to see how your child will struggle once they're beyond the baby stage.

My dd who is 8 and has ASD dev delay, does ballet, she loves it, the classes are relaxed and fun, not grade and competition orientated. Actually it has great industry connections. As long as she likes it then continue. Please don't pass in your worries to her.

Ballet at 4 is about a bit of fun, exercise, making friends and most importantly about bobbing around in a tutu. It gives her joy, that is enough. If it ever stops giving her joy start something different.

If the ballet teacher said these things to you about your dd, then I woukd pull her out. If nothing has been said, she shoukd continue.

Ds2 begged to do ballet aged 4. I was very dubious - he is heavily built (not fat but def more suited for rugby) and rather heavy on his feet. And of course a boy so lots and lots of opportunities for teasing.

Nevertheless we let him try. He did ballet for 3 years, enjoyed it but was never a natural. However, through the ballet he got into tap and street dance. Now these he is really good at.

You cannot protect your child from the possibility of failure without seriously damaging their confidence - the message that you don't think they are good enough to even try is far more corrosive than them trying and failing. As you taking your dad's "message" so much to heart shows.

If she enjoys it then definitely let her continue. Hops fully for now the classes are more about fun than about skill. When I did ballet at a similar age we did dances with our teddy bears and that sort of thing.

I don't have a dancer's body either, and I'm not exactly graceful. But I loved ballet. I didn't care that I was clumsy or inelegant when I was twirling about. But when I was about 7 I suddenly stopped going to ballet. My mum said it was too tiring or something. I was really disappointed, and I've always felt sad that I didn't continue with it.

Only recently when I mentioned it, my mum told me that she didn't want me to be teased for being bad at it, or being scruffy (my mum was always rubbish at doing buns so I'd have hair all over the place, but my lovely teacher always sorted it out!). I think it was also partly because she didn't fit in with the other mums. Either way, I was rather upset to find out that I had had to give up something I loved because my own mother thought I was rubbish

Obviously your situation is a bit different, but I thought I'd share the "other side". (To be honest, the real mistake was telling me her reasons, but I'm sure you wouldn't do that either way!)

Err I asked if the OP if she might be projecting and she said she might be! It was a genuine question not a sly dig.

I just don't want her to be set up to fail, when she could be learning a skill that she would excel at and that would hopefully give her confidence.

YOU can give her confidence by encouraging her to do whatever she enjoys rather than only trying things that you/she think she might 'excel' at. f she expresses an interest in something else and you have to make a choice on financial grounds, then that's one thing, but pushing a four year old towards an activity that she has shown no interest in because you are worried about something that might happen in the future seems like a massive over-reaction.