Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with women's comments on my body shape

104 replies

hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 10:07

I'm tall and willowy and I'm sick of other women slyly insinuating I don't eat enough/well. It's really embarrassing. I was a very slight child and my mum had to put up with this shit from other mothers. Can't believe I can be nearing 30 and still have to deal with it.

Any tips on how to react? It feels humiliating so I just brush it off but inside I'm fuming. Also hate that it would be fucking unacceptable were I to mention THEIR excess weight and question them on their eating habits!

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 10/10/2015 10:09

Just say what you have said here. Say that you eat very well thankyou, and actually you find it quite rude and offensive that they feel it is acceptable to comment on your weight and figure, and that you wouldn't dream of doing the same to them.

Original poster
hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 10:12

Btw I'm looking for a practical way of dealing with it.
Example: yesterday I met a woman I've only ever met once before in my life. She said "oh you've lost weight". I said no. She said yes, you have. I said no again (seriously, we met in a dark crowded club 6 months ago. Does she really have a better idea of my weight than me?). Finally she said "oh, I must not gave noticed how skinny your legs were then!".

I just kind of laughed it off. But how fucking rude is that? Now I'm getting to the stage where if/when something like thus happens again, I'd like to find a polite, calm way of putting someone in their place. I'm not sure how often its intentionally said to hurt. Maybe they don't realise.

OP posts:
Original poster
hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 10:14

It doesn't help that as I said I'm tall and all the height is in the legs so its more striking than if I were short. If I were 5'4" nobody would comment I reckon. Am basically a female peter crouch ;)

OP posts:
Mermaidhair · 10/10/2015 10:15

I know it is so rude. If you are skinny it seems people think it is ok to comment. If you were fat though, it would be called fat shaming. I just say actually I am a good healthy weight, and society has lost touch with what normal is. I think there is jealousy also. Just ask if they would say anything if you were fat?

Quiero · 10/10/2015 10:16

It is really rude. I do however think some people think it's complimentary. Especially overweight people who would view being called skinny as a compliment...maybe?

A quick "Oh, you look like you've gained weight" would probably shut them up quick enough.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/10/2015 10:16

Maybe you could say you find talking about weight very dull/tedious and change the subject. I think the trouble is that people see slim/losing weight as a positive so they feel allowed to make personal comments as it's a compliment (or that's how they see it).

gandalf456 · 10/10/2015 10:18

I used to get this when I was young but now I'm fat and I don't any more. They are just jealous so, even though it's annoying, it is a compliment.

Original poster
hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 10:18

Quiero god I know but I cannot bring myself to react with aggression. I need to find a good way of putting it because inevitably if I rebuke them I start to feel as if I'm trying to make excuses for having an eating disorder or something, its a weird feeling.

OP posts:
Shirleycantbe · 10/10/2015 10:21

They are just jealous. They imagine they'd love it if people said similar about them.

Original poster
hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 10:21

It's sad because it affects the way I dress, am paranoid about having twiggy legs and knobbly knees, in a way I understand and sympathise with women who are overweight, same coin different sides.

OP posts:
juneau · 10/10/2015 10:24

It never ceases to amaze me how rude and tactless some people are. How would she have reacted, I wonder, if you'd said 'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't notice how fat your arse is!'. Its the same thing, yet criticising someone who's thin is seen as fair game for some reason.

If you want to use the MN line, you could try 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

Original poster
hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 10:29

Actually juneau I might use a variation on that. Something like "Yeah, I've been getting comments like that since childhood. It's quite rude, don't you think?" [silence]

OP posts:
ouryve · 10/10/2015 10:29

I'd be tempted to be rude back in a sly way (how did you manage to hide that big zit under make up so well?) But in reality I'd ask "do you think so?" And change the subject.

Ex-FIL always had some personal comment to make. My response to that was to pretend to mark off a bingo card because it was always such ridiculous ignorant things like "you look so much better without glasses" (so do you! Tick!)

Original poster
hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 10:32

Ouryve: "But in reality I'd ask "do you think so?" And change the subject."

That's what I do now but honestly it just makes me feel rattled and I want to take back a bit of pride and 'empowerment' in those situations now, if you see what I mean?

OP posts:
Quiero · 10/10/2015 10:36

I think the way we comment on each other's appearance all the time is weird. Men don't do it to each other do they? It's some awful throw back to women's worth being defined by how they look. We are so socially conditioned that the cycle is hard to break.

I've lost a lot of weight this year and I find the amount of people who comment on it astonishing, people I barely know. I hate it because I feel it draws attention to what is a huge, huge issue to me. They say "you've lost weight" or "you look great" and all I hear is "you used to be fat".

I would never comment on someone's size, but then again some people seem to be pissed off if you don't notice they've lost weight or had a haircut or something Confused.

People are confusing!

Notoedike · 10/10/2015 10:37

I think they are not meaning to be rude - being skinny is a dream goal for many people. Learn to accept that is where they are coming from - the more you focus on it being rude the more upset you will become, ignore the comment and just change the subject.

Original poster
hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 10:41

I don't actually believe they mean it as some kind of weird compliment, they often tag a line on, something like "me, I just love my food so much", as if I were sitting at home sadly gnawing on a dry heel of bread.

OP posts:
Quiero · 10/10/2015 10:42

I think sometimes it's said it kindness not but not always. A friend of mine is very slim and I overheard some women in the school yard describing her as emaciated and needing a good meal. Some people are just twats.

Original poster
hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 10:45

You're definitely on to something there Quiero. Only ever had a man comment on it once in my entire life I think. And speaking of Peter Crouch: we don't have articles pondering whether he might have an eating disorder, etc.

Men it seems are allowed to come in a wide range of shapes and sizes. Women are automatically treated as worthy of comment as soon as they stray from the average height and size 10-12-14 triad.

OP posts:
Iwannabeadog · 10/10/2015 10:48

I was just chatting to a good friend of mine about this the other day, she is also slim and tall. She eats well and is the least vain person I know. People are forever commenting on how "skinny" she is or how "twiggy her legs are". It's beyond rude and as you say she would never comment on how fat/thin/short other people are.
I'm afraid we didn't come up with a good solution but just had a right good moan. I would never comment on weight gain/loss as I think it's nothing to do with me. There is jealousy and insecurity behind all these comments in my opinion.

ouryve · 10/10/2015 10:51

Agree that there are all sorts of motives behind it.

I was telling someone about a rather undignified fall I'd had, the other day, and someone in earshot, who drives me up the wall in many ways, commented "well, you haven't got anything on you anyway". That annoyed me but, as there were kids around and I needed to get away I passed up on the opportunity to point out that actually, I'm overweight and I still have a bruised arse.

Quiero · 10/10/2015 10:55

I was thinking about this the yesterday. Why are women so competitive with each other? Is it social conditioning or some weird biological twist to do with reproduction.

I was driving down the local high street yesterday and I noticed how in many couples the woman was what I would deem more attractive than her male partner. It suits the male species for women to have low self esteem.

Quiero · 10/10/2015 10:56

Ignore random 'the' Hmm

Tinklewinkle · 10/10/2015 11:00

I get this too.

I'm quite tall and slim, long legs and knobbly knees and am forever being told I need 'a good meal' and various other stupid comments - men only like 'real women', am I anorexic. If I'm out for dinner with a group of friends someone always needs to pass comment on my meal.

It doesn't always feel like a cack handed compliment, there's always some little dig in there somewhere, some implication that I'm not a 'real woman' or that I'm a shit mother neglecting my kids in relentless pursuit of a thigh gap, yet if I retaliated and commented on their 'chub rub' or something I'd be roasted alive

I always just mumble something and then change the subject, although I did tell MiL that she seemed more interested in my weight than I was, she's shut up a bit since

WideAwakeMum · 10/10/2015 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.