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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with women's comments on my body shape

104 replies

hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 10:07

I'm tall and willowy and I'm sick of other women slyly insinuating I don't eat enough/well. It's really embarrassing. I was a very slight child and my mum had to put up with this shit from other mothers. Can't believe I can be nearing 30 and still have to deal with it.

Any tips on how to react? It feels humiliating so I just brush it off but inside I'm fuming. Also hate that it would be fucking unacceptable were I to mention THEIR excess weight and question them on their eating habits!

OP posts:
ppeatfruit · 11/10/2015 15:02

To be fair a lot of men who are taller than average get ridiculous comments like"What's the weather like up there?" From men and women; I'm not sure idiocy like that is confined to women Grin

DramaAlpaca · 11/10/2015 15:16

I don't think it ever ends, tbh. My DM is nearly 80 and is as slender as she was in her 20s. She isn't tall, but has a petite frame & has always eaten healthily She still gets frankly bitchy comments about her weight from other women of her own age, which she finds very hurtful.

Getyercoat · 11/10/2015 15:17

I've got comments too and it's very irritating. I'd never say to a colleague "you look like you've put on weight" but it seems acceptable to say "you look like you've lost weight" to someone.
Recently I was left a bit Shock at a friend. We have a mutual friend pregnant on her first baby and she's always been a super fit woman, loves her workouts. My friend said "oh the day she appears in her pre pregnancy jeans after having that baby I'm defriending her on Facebook." Seriously bitchy!

Gabilan · 11/10/2015 18:09

I agree that there is a "slim privilege" at work here, so reversing the comments doesn't work. I do get fed up with the insinuation that I don't eat and I do think that what we regard as normal has been skewed.

In the end, as annoying and bitchy as it is, I remind myself that it's not much to do with me and more to do with societal pressures on women.

Although if pushed by comments that men prefer "real women" and curves I point out that I'm as real as they come and have a 26" waist and 36" hips therefore I curve. Which is petty of me, but it does get wearing.

toffeeboffin · 11/10/2015 18:31

Could by agree more. I have stopped commenting on people's shape, as even if I say something I think is positive, they might find it negative.

Prime example is my SIL, who is tall, willowy and not interested in food which I find incredible. I no longer comment as I know my well meaning compliments were pissing her off.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 11/10/2015 20:02

Just say "Thank you".

You'll knock the wind out of the sails of anyone attempt to have a passive aggressive dig and deal quickly with those attempting to pay you a complement (whilst not knowing they are being rude) allowing you to move on to the next topic.

Lurkedforever1 · 11/10/2015 20:31

As to the curves bollocks, I don't really have any, I'm more catwalk shape than just very slim. My response is more 'yes, well I don't need to judge myself based on whether men are attracted to me. And even if I was, I've been lucky enough never to need to question it'. If I'm feeling childish I say 'oh, so that's why men look at me, they are all horrified by my lack of curves'. If it's being said deliberately to be insulting I have said 'yes, you mean super slim like Marilyn munroe and j-lo, I agree that type of curves is attractive'. Only comments I've ever had from men on my thinness has been on the lines of how strong I am for my size, and admiration at how much I can put away at a meal.

Gabilan · 11/10/2015 20:39

You've reminded me of another comment, Lurked, which is the assumption that I don't eat properly and that men would prefer to go out with someone who doesn't always watch what she eats. I happily eat what I want to eat. Since I get a lot of physical exercise I just burn it off. I certainly don't spend mealtimes fretting about what I'm eating. But whatever my eating habits, what men prefer shouldn't really come into it. I'm not here to please men or tailor my appearance, exercise regime and diet to suit their desires. Bollocks to that.

SionnachDana · 11/10/2015 21:00

When I lose weight my hip :waist ratio increases meaning I am curvier when I diet.

I tried explaining this once to a colleague who was berating me for not shovelling in cake!

I'm not thin, far from it, but I feel, phew, I've lost the extra pounds I was carrying when people at work start telling me off and reprimanding me because I won't put my head in to the trough.

I'd love to be naturally thin. I think "thank you" is an appropriate response.

Lurkedforever1 · 11/10/2015 21:06

Yy gabilan. I always wonder who they're trying to convince. 'I don't like the way I look so I'll convince myself men do, and assume everyone else bases their self esteem on what the opposite sex are physically attracted to'. I like my body first and foremost because it's healthy and good for things I enjoy. The pleasure in my appearance is mainly down to the fact it allows me to get away with the minimum time and effort to look presentable. Male or female reaction to it don't feature on my list of reasons to like or dislike myself.

thebestfurchinchilla · 11/10/2015 22:02

I agree that people think it's desirable to be thin so they think they're not being rude. But even so I can see how annoying it must be to just comment on your weight in the first place. I'm 5ft 5 and 9.5 stone and a friend of mine who is more petite in height and weight always used to say " Have you lost weight?" when she saw me. I never had and never felt the need to but it felt like she thought I should. I used to feel so cross about it but I realise now, years later that it had more to do with her own insecurity. She was preoccupied with looks and ended up having all kinds of work done. We are no longer friends!

Allofaflumble · 12/10/2015 00:46

Personal comments are hurtful. I have had plenty in my life from being too short, too fat, too much hair etc.

Unless you can say "you're looking really good/well/great" then shut the fuck up. Why is that so hard?

FindoGask · 12/10/2015 05:44

thebest, I have a friend like that too - she has bulimia, is very slim, and always asks if I've lost weight when we meet up. It did get wearing until I realised the same as you.

Senpai · 12/10/2015 05:44

I have a friend like that who is just ridiculously skinny. But she eats normal, it's just her metabolism. Some people are jealous she's skinny. Some people are jealous I have nice curves. I'm jealous of anyone that can get a toned stomach. No one is ever happy with their own body type.

They're probably insecure about their own bodies and making remarks about your weight to feel better.

mimishimmi · 12/10/2015 05:52

YANBU and it has nothing to do with height. I am 5'4" but with a healthy BMI of 22. Without fail, a few overweight people I know will always comment about their weight etc and then feel that gives them the right to make comments about mine. They are not necessarily unflattering but I know for sure that one of them does not eat healthily. Her life, her choices but I don't want to hear that I am looking like I'm wasting away either. I eat well but yeah, carefully, for the most part and I exercise. What do they want me to do?

callmemaybe1 · 13/10/2015 00:45

Great comments on this thread!!!

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 13/10/2015 10:00

I'm naturally slim and get this a lot but I feel most sorry for everyone whose teenage DDs are going through this.

I remember thinking I was completely unattractive because people were constantly awful for me about being slim and flat chested. My friends used to comfort me that I was just a "late developer" and that I'd get boobs eventually which didn't really help! I'd like to tell teenage me to hang in there - it doesn't really get better but you stop giving a damn eventually.

15 years later and I have very small boobs which means that I don't just get skinny comments but also "who'd want to date someone who looks like a child" comments which can be particularly unpleasant. That's not jealousy, that's pure cuntishness.

SevenOfNineTrue · 13/10/2015 10:47

While it is socially unacceptable to discuss someone's excess weight, it is unfortunately still socially acceptable to many people to comment on slim women. I believe some of it stems out of pure jealousy.

I remember losing about two stone when I was younger and the other women in the office started commenting on 'how I didn't need to lose any more weight' and 'your arms will be too thin' etc. I could not believe how they reacted, as if they were almost threatened.

HappyBeet · 13/10/2015 10:55

I used to work with a colleague who was naturally very slim and willowy.

I actually got sick of the comments on her behalf! Particularly nasty ones from the company matriarch.

I did say one day (works do - too much to drink) after yet another barbed comment about colleagues eating from the nasty bag 'Gosh...you can almost feel the jealousy rolling off her can't you!' Shut her up for a month at least.

I get the flip side op despite having lost s lot of weight Grin

But im never sure whether it's an insult or not?

One of MIL's favourites (seriously every time she sees me) is 'Wow that top really make you look...slim'

Yokohamajojo · 13/10/2015 11:26

I used to and sometimes also get it, like you I also just shrug and don't say anything. I also hate the 'oh you look tired' even when I am not, why why say that? I always feel ok, I obviously look like shit today...

Not sure what to say but something that made them feel embarrassed about commenting on other peoples weight/ build/ looks would be great to have!

IceBeing · 13/10/2015 12:13

In the work place I always just tell people that personal comments aren't professional....

Outside the work place I tend to go with 'I won't get personal if you don't' in a jokey way and hope they figure they have crossed the line.

I don't have the same problem as the OP but I think this covers most things you actually aren't okay with being talked about all the time!

Pantone363 · 13/10/2015 12:22

I've had this all my life. I just say 'oh I never know what to say when people say things like that'. Then look them DEAD in the eye. Either they will a) stutter and say oh well is a compliment really, to which I just smile and say hmm or b)realise they were being fucking rude and apologise

carabos · 13/10/2015 13:44

I think that commenting on other people's appearance is actually one of the most revealing things you can do. Outside of something drastic that demands reference - waist length hair to buzz cut type of drastic- I think that the remark directs the recipient straight to the commenter's own insecurity. If it's about clothes, I assume they are worried about their own dress sense, if it's about weight, that's their thing.

What concerns me is just how many women are so obsessed with their weight that it's all they can think about, and passing comments about someone else's weight is proof of this - it's NOTHING to do with the person they're talking to or about - they are just an object they can hang their weight issues on. It's a version of "mentionitis" iyswim - it's crowding their thoughts so they have to get it out.

BoccadiLupa · 13/10/2015 16:33

Oh I feel your pain. My DP's sister greets me at every single get together with BLOODY HELL YOU'RE SKINNY and then regales me with tales of how she was skinny as a rake and then suddenly got fat. and watches what I eat like a hawk: "wow. You're not having a second helping? Guess its that skinny frame to maintain". JEEZ. Why is it ever appropriate to comment on someone's shape or weight, like ever, unless you have asked them for advice about it?
So annoyingly competitive and crazy. I know it comes from jealousy/competitiveness and frankly I'd kill for a proper pair of boobs but I don't go round every woman with boobs saying "Wow! Check out your massive boobs! How do you cope with those?" etc for hours just because I wish I had them...

green18 · 13/10/2015 16:37

carabos I agree with your post 100%. I t reveals more about them than you. Perhaps a response could be: " You think about appearance a lot don't you..."

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