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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with women's comments on my body shape

104 replies

hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 10:07

I'm tall and willowy and I'm sick of other women slyly insinuating I don't eat enough/well. It's really embarrassing. I was a very slight child and my mum had to put up with this shit from other mothers. Can't believe I can be nearing 30 and still have to deal with it.

Any tips on how to react? It feels humiliating so I just brush it off but inside I'm fuming. Also hate that it would be fucking unacceptable were I to mention THEIR excess weight and question them on their eating habits!

OP posts:
Original poster
hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 12:09

Reading all these comments makes me feel much less alone! Wish I could start a local support group :D

OP posts:
augustusglupe · 10/10/2015 12:10

Had this all my life OP and it gets worse if anything!! I'm now well into 'middle age' and because I'm not burdened by middle age spread, I get all sorts of just odd, bitchy comments. It's definitely worse nowadays because the world and his wife seems to be overweight!!!..Where I live anyway!!
As my mum would've said and I say to my daughter... They're just jealous love...but I do know how bloody irritating it an be!

AgnesDiPesto · 10/10/2015 12:11

I'm small (5ft 2) and was very skinny when younger and got this too. Lots of comments on being anorexic etc even though I ate loads and did no exercise. I didn't weigh over 7 stone until I was in my 20's (and then it was more due to alcohol consumption). There were no clothes in sizes below 8 in those days so nothing ever fitted me.

The worst time was at uni when I lived with totally normal size 12 girls all obsessively dieting and talking about weight all the time. My sister puts weight on easily and was always commenting in a negative way too. It had a huge impact on my confidence so I feel for your daughter Sorted.

It was only when I got older I realised it was about other peoples own insecurities and wished it hadn't upset me so much.

Now I've had 3 kids and into my 40s the never having to watch what I eat or exercising is catching up with me and I would dearly love to have my old body back.

One of the comments I had from the dieting girls at uni was that at least they would have no trouble giving birth with their 'child bearing hips' - implying I was so skinny I wouldn't even be able to have a baby. FFS. I think I am right in saying I am the only one who didn't have a c/section.

I don't get comments on being skinny anymore - because I'm not now. People have now moved on to telling me how pale I am every summer (I don't tan). Now the conversation goes 'wow you're really pale' - 'yes I know' - 'but i mean REALLY pale'

You can't win. Some people are just really vain and obsessed with looking a certain way.

Gunpowder · 10/10/2015 12:13

I think if someone says 'you look great' without any reference to weight, that's a nice thing! It doesn't necessarily mean they think anything about your weight. Maybe your hair or skin look good, maybe you are wearing a colour that suits you, maybe you just look happy.

I agree it's clumsy and crass, and sometimes very rude, to comment on someone else's weight though.

SiobhanSharpe · 10/10/2015 12:37

As a shortarse, I have to put my hand up and admit to saying things like ...oh, you're so lovely and tall...
Please believe me, it's admiring, I am jealous, I wish I was taller. I really do. But i would never say anything about eating/not eating, nor make any comment about your figure or shape.
However you DO get people who are tall and slim moaning about how fat they are!
It's odd, really, I am losing weight and have lost quite a bit and my friends people comment on it a lot, they are trying to compliment me and be supportive but I am in two minds about it. On the one hand it is nice that the weight loss is so norticable but someone's weight and diet is of course their own business and frankly I find the whole subject a bit tedious.

SiobhanSharpe · 10/10/2015 12:39

Norticable! er, noticeable. But i quite like norticable. It should be a word.

SionnachDana · 10/10/2015 12:44

I haven't read the thread but I'm not sure that I would be that angry about people thinking I was very slim.

I'm only about 156cm and even though i eat healthily (in a controlled way most of the time) and exercise and walk everywhere, my BMI is still about 23.5
My uncle told me recently i should "go out running". In other words, you're plump.............. I can do no more without resigning from my job Grin and yet, people imply I am losing control of the game.

SionnachDana · 10/10/2015 12:50

I like the reply of "yes I'm so lucky". Far more empowering than "men like x,y or z" which is insulting bullshit.

I once said to a very slim woman "you're so lucky to be so slim" (she did look fabulous) and she said to me, and I've never forgotten it, "it's not luck, it's work". That told me.

Louise43210 · 10/10/2015 13:02

Perhaps be truthful? Something about 'Its just my natural body type - just a small part of who I am.' Then change subject :-)

ManorGreyhound · 10/10/2015 13:09

Weeeel, generally I would agree that it is impolite to comment on another persons appearance, but it can't really be said that commenting on slimness is somehow comparable to commenting on fatness.

Like it or not, our society suffers from 'slim privilege' in the same way is it does male privilege or white privilege. (I've put it in inverted commas because size is not a protected characteristic and there is still some argument around whether or not it is something the individual can control).

It's just too simplistic to just 'reverse the genders' (so to speak) here and claim that if you wouldn't say it to a fat person, then you shouldn't say it to a slim person either - the two aren't the same.

I guess I see it in the same way as that the MOBO awards are seen as a positive celebration of music of black origin, but if we had a MOWO (Music of White Origin) award, that would look very different. See also 'Women in business' groups etc...

I'm very slim myself, and people often comment, frequently negatively. I smile and nod as I'm pretty sure that it stems from jealousy on some level in a way that negative comments relating to obesity would not.

Can you not try to see it this way and be grateful for the enormous advantage being slim confers upon you in almost every sphere of life?

murmuration · 10/10/2015 13:20

Hap, similiar here. I recently saw a bunch of women I haven't seen in months (since right before my illness), and got a lot of "you've lost weight!" and "you look good!" It was very uncomfortable to have to explain that actually it isn't a good sign... I live in fear someone at work will say something and I'll have to share personal information I'd rather not.

Muckogy · 10/10/2015 13:25

they are all jealous. don't let the bastards bring you down.

i would love to be able to eat what i want without gaining weight.

ppeatfruit · 10/10/2015 13:44

The type of person who comments negatively on personal looks is the same sort who also criticises their houses, bags, cars etc. Small minded and blinkered. Best ignored.

Barbafamiily · 10/10/2015 14:18

I got, "you look like you have lost weight" no, not really "oh. Have you been ill?" And from my MIL "you have put on a bit of weight, you look soooo much better for it" and then next time she sees me "you have lost weight again" which I take to mean, you look worse again. Because actually I probably do look better with a bit more weight on me, but I don't control that, a dodgy metabolism does that!

bertsdinner · 10/10/2015 14:22

I've lost a lot of weight this year, I'm very slim and also petite/slight. I've mainly had nice comments, but the odd one or two about eating disorders. I've got one colleague at work who has gone a bit weird, she kept offering cakes, doughnuts etc and got a bit funny when I declined. I've also overheard (think I was meant to), her make comments about "going too far". I know she struggles with her own weight and I feel she's angry at me for losing weight. It makes me feel very uncomfortable, if anyone mentiond my weight loss when she's there I just cringe.

My friend at work is very, very thin with big boobs. She's naturally that size and eats like a horse, she gets pissed off because people ask her if she's anorexic/ had a boob job.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 10/10/2015 18:05

I would be inclined to say 'It's great, I can eat any kind of shit and remain thin. I don't have to go to the gym or watch calories or anything. It's genetic.'

(I used to be incredible thin, quite underweight. I just really disliked any calorific stuff. Then kids, and I discovered curry, an mayo, and jacket potatoes with loads of butter, and kettle chip..........sigh)

Justaboy · 11/10/2015 12:41

Is there One woman in the world who is happy with the way she is;?. I ask as I have a stunning young 18 Y/O daughter who says "why did you have to have such an ugly child" who then spends ages barming on all types of cosmetics and then taking them off again to no seeming avail. Despite all her mates telling her how good she looks, endless attention from the boys, she won't have it any other way shes "plain ugly" and that's that!.

hauntedbytheghost You stand tall and be proud of yourself you are very few and far between in the UK, tall women that is. I met one a while ago and she said that the only thing that pisses her of is that in heels which she loves shes just on 6 foot 2 and a half and can see over a lot of men!. My eldest daughter is just on 6 foot in heels and thinks that's too high as well as being willowy slim and she really could do with a little weight on perhaps, though I'm not going to tell her!. She's yet another who isn't 100% happy how she is!

WhatsGoingOnEh · 11/10/2015 12:44

Oh well. Worse things happen at sea.

moanyhole · 11/10/2015 12:53

this is not just the problem of tall wemen. believe me. I'm 5 ft1 and slim. I've always been slim. I get barbed backhanded bitchy comments a lot, always from other women, about eating more, looking guant etc. I wouldn't mind I'm not actually underweight, just slim

Dafspunk · 11/10/2015 12:53

What about responding in the opposite way to what you're thinking, e.g. a massive smile and 'I know, isn't it fab being able to eat what I want and stay slim!' Wink and sashay away with a confident swing of your willowy hips.

Lurkedforever1 · 11/10/2015 13:10

I don't think it is just tall women moany. But because height makes you appear thinner, on a group basis it's probably more common in tall women the thinness is noticed iyswim. If I was this build and size and 5' I doubt my thinness would be as noticeable. Partly because narrow build can be wrongly attributed to thinness if your height is well above average, and partly because height makes you stand out anyway. However if I was 5' I'm sure whilst the thin aspect might not be commented on to the same degree, that would be made up for in rude comments about lack of height. And if I was tall, well built and with a perfectly healthy level of fat I'd be subject to comments on how large/ massive/ giant I was. Cunts will be cunts.

pinechesterdrawers · 11/10/2015 13:15

i wouldnt say jealous people , just wondering how the hell you do it! Its a shame they just cant keep their mouths shut

im in awe of tiny petite willowy etc women but love food too much and could never be smaller even when i did restrict food intake as i have wide hips and huge back!

popcornpaws · 11/10/2015 13:18

I've posted before about similar comments, yes i have lost a lot of weight, turned my eating habits around totally and i feel better than i have for years.
But, colleagues and customers constantly talk about my weight and have now started saying how I've taken it too far etc, my bmi is at the top end of healthy but because i was so big i suppose i might look thin.
I am not thin, i am healthy, I've cut the risk of weight related illness i might have been prone to and i feel great.
The people that are negative (in my experience) are mainly overweight themselves.
I now just say my bmi is healthy and don't discuss it any further.
Its boring and rude.

goawayalready · 11/10/2015 13:28

i get this ive began to point out i have graves disease and i will be fatter than the earth when my thyroid dies off

to be fair ive had years of this shite oooh your a size ten how do you manage it! oooh you have eaten chocolate i could never do that and stay your size oooh are you sure you've had children (the last one was by a really bitchy person)

so i ended up saying a polite version of FUCK OFF IVE A CHRONIC ILLNESS! Grin

TRexingInAsda · 11/10/2015 14:11

I think the way we comment on each other's appearance all the time is weird. Men don't do it to each other do they? It's some awful throw back to women's worth being defined by how they look. We are so socially conditioned that the cycle is hard to break.

^Brilliant comment, I think you should say exactly this when someone mentions your weight/slimness next. Totally ignore their inane comment and redirect the conversation to something productive.

You don't need to justify your eating or your BMI to anyone; what's it to them if you were eating very little anyway? None of their business, and so what if you're 'too skinny' for their taste? Presumably, it's not your job (or your interest) to be sexually attractive to this person, so why would you want to be informed whether you are or not, gross.

Some complete twat posted on FB "meat is for men, bones are for dogs". I called them out on it. I asked if they actually meant to refer to women as 'meat' if they were sexually attractive to them, and 'bones' if they weren't. No response, I hope they were embarrassed though.