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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner called me ungrateful.

226 replies

HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 18:10

Him and I have different outlooks on gifts and I'm starting to think that perhaps I'm a bitch.

A few things led him to call me this. Firstly, my in laws bought us some baby stuff when my son was born. I left it at their house (in my partners old room) as we didn't need it and we don't have a lot of space at our house for unnecessary things. They recently found it and got upset that we hadn't used it. I'm of the impression that you can give someone a gift, great, but they are under no obligation to use it. Especially if they haven't said they needed it.

Another few examples. My sister asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her what I wanted and she got me something else (same price) because that's the thing she liked. I was miffed because I didn't like it, nor did I need it. She was upset because I didn't like it. My partner once again said I was horrible and that I should be grateful. She shouldn't have bloody asked me what I wanted if she wasn't going to get it!

Lastly my gran bought something age innapropriate for my baby. I thanked her and said he wouldn't be able to use it just yet as it was a choking hazard. She exclaimed she could never do anything right and took the bloody gift back!!

So yeah, aibu or is he?

OP posts:
MrsGentlyBenevolent · 09/10/2015 18:31

To be honest, I suspected you'd come back and say you have ASD. However, I will say that I expect that you have been explained to several times in your life about manners in gift receiving. If you are like this with your child's presents, you've probably done similar with Christmas and such. Are you honestly telling me no one has pulled you up on it by now? The whole thing with your gran usually giving you money just makes you sound a bit spoilt to be honest - like you think family can't choose the right things, so they might as well just give you the cash.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 18:31

Sometimes drip feeds aren't intentional guys lets not attack the OP further. My first post was harsh based on the OP but her later posts are important and do change things.

I know this is AIBU but if people could not act like cunts that would be soops

Original poster
HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 18:32

I said thank you to everyone apart from my sister. I didn't know it was rude to leave the items at their house for storage. Or to tell my gran he couldn't use it yet so she didn't open the package and let my son shove all the little pieces down his throat. But I see I'm wrong now and i'l respond differently next time!

OP posts:
TheBunnyOfDoom · 09/10/2015 18:32

ASD isn't a reason to be rude and ungrateful to people.

Original poster
HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 18:35

My friends and close family know how I am and don't mind. They just ask me what I want instead of trying to surprise me. So no, I'm not put in this situation often so I'm not great at dealing with them.

OP posts:
Scarletforya · 09/10/2015 18:35

Ahh just seen the post about ASD. Apologies

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 18:36

NO bunny but it is the reason why someone with ASD may not realise they have appeared rude. If you don't understand ASD perhaps best not to comment lest you look silly Smile

definiteissues · 09/10/2015 18:36

Cunty did you just say "that would be soops"
Seriously, we need a whole new aibu thread just for that

crystalgall · 09/10/2015 18:37

Oh give over! You don't think you're wrong at all. What is the point of this?

Yes of course you couldn't have just supervised him playing with it for 5 mins just to make your gran happy.

Spartans · 09/10/2015 18:37

You didn't leave them for storage. You left them because you didn't want or ask for them, you said that yourself.

You didn't say to them 'that's lovely, can I leave them here for storage'

You can't blame asd for not knowing it was rude for leaving them there for storage when that's not why you left them there.

As pp said, I doubt this is the first time this has been mentioned to you. How did you deal with receiving gifts you didn't really float your boat when you were young

TheBunnyOfDoom · 09/10/2015 18:39

cuntycowfacemonkey lol, I have ASD.

BoskyCat · 09/10/2015 18:40

I also have suspected ASD traits and I have an awful time with presents. I hate them because of the pressure to "like" them and be grateful whether you like them or not, and I'm so terrible at pretending. I do know I am supposed to and I try, but it's so stressful.

I have known other people with ASD to accept presents and then very obviously not use them at all and not realise that might be upsetting.

I know where you're coming from - that feeling of "well I didn't ask for this anyway, so why do I now have to go out of my way to protect your feelings?!" Grrr. But you do have to. It's the rules!

My own failings aside though, I do think some people are very bad present-givers and give zero thought to things like the right age range or whether it's something you will like or have expressed an interest in. You still have to smile and be grateful, but it's very annoying.

Quiero · 09/10/2015 18:40

In gift situations, honesty is never the best policy. I think gifts are about thought and kindness and it's possibly irrelevant what the receiver thinks.

Your point of view is logical. In practical terms you are right but it's just one of those situations where you smile say thank you and accept graciously.

My kids get bought all sorts of shit I don't want them to have but I wait until the giver has left the house before hiding away for regifting!

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 18:41

I assume that's a rhetorical question definiteissues Wink

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/10/2015 18:41

OP, I just saw your post about having ASD. I get it now, totally. I think it is a lack of "filter" for want of a better word. My son has ASD and from what I have learned having attended various courses, this is a common feature. My Dad is actually a bit like it as was my Nan, his Mum. I don't think you're being a bitch but being aware that your actions might be hurtful to those who are gift givers and trying to acknowledge that might help you. Perhaps by virtue of this thread you could maybe "check" yourself next time this happens and try and re-phrase the way you say things. Honestly, I lost count of the amount of gifts I got for my kids that were weather/age inappropriate or just plain inappropriate, but I just used to say how delighted I was and put them away until they could be used or pass them on discreetly. I don't doubt you don't mean to hurt anybody's feelings but you clearly are. Wishing you all the best Flowers

Unreasonablebetty · 09/10/2015 18:42

Oh wow, these examples really don't paint you in a great light OP.
You do seem somewhat ungrateful and when reading about your inlaws, I felt that it was quite spiteful.
I think you need to try and speak with these people, maybe explain that you struggle in these situations and you don't mean to appear so rude, and in future try to make it seem like you are enjoying the gifts.

Original poster
HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 18:43

I actually do see that what I did wasn't the right or expected thing to so and as I said, next time!

OP posts:
Original poster
HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 18:44

I can't wrap my brain around why what I didn't was wrong but I accept that to be true now.

OP posts:
MrsGentlyBenevolent · 09/10/2015 18:44

Quiero makes an excellent point here. You will have to learn to be gracious when your children are older and want to 'gift' you all sorts. What are you going to say to them 'sorry darling, this wonkey pencil holder you made me is just unsuitable. Better leave it at school'.

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2015 18:44

I'm not really sure I get this thread OP.

Are you saying you're a bitch and you have ASD, or do you think you're a bitch because you have ASD?

Also, do you not trust your partner's thoughts on this? Does he have ASD too?

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 18:45

Fair enough Bunny maybe a bit of helpful advice and understanding for the OP would have been better if that's the case. Everyone with ASD is different after all and just because you understand the social niceties of gift giving doesn't mean the OP does or is being purposefully rude.

Scarletforya · 09/10/2015 18:46

Next time just thank the person and take the present.

(Assuming you can use someone else's house for storage is rude too!)

If the present is age inappropriate, still accept and then put up out of reach. Always smile and accept and thank the person who gives the present.

If you donate it or something don't tell the person who gifted it to you.

definiteissues · 09/10/2015 18:46

Of course cunty :p

LadyLonely1 · 09/10/2015 18:46

If you are aware your dp has a different outlook, have you never questioned why before?

Topseyt · 09/10/2015 18:50

I think you sound exceptionally rude and ungrateful in all three of the cases you describe, ASD or not.

If someone is kind enough to buy you a gift you accept it graciously, smile, thank them and take the gift home with you. If it isn't something you would have chosen then you can either re-gift it to someone else at a later date (without telling the original giver), charity shop it, ebay it etc. Leaving it stashed at their house is just unbelievably crass and rude. A real howler.

You were very rude to your sister too. Perhaps she was unable to get precisely what you had said you wanted, but still wanted to get you a birthday present anyway so did her best.

Your grandmother also says that she "cannot get anything right with you", which is perhaps a very telling statement, meaning that you are known for rejecting things, hurtful remarks and generally living with your foot in your mouth.

You need to observe much more how other people behave when given gifts.

I'll be honest, you will alienate a lot of people with your behaviour. It would suck the joy out of the occasion.

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