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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner called me ungrateful.

226 replies

HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 18:10

Him and I have different outlooks on gifts and I'm starting to think that perhaps I'm a bitch.

A few things led him to call me this. Firstly, my in laws bought us some baby stuff when my son was born. I left it at their house (in my partners old room) as we didn't need it and we don't have a lot of space at our house for unnecessary things. They recently found it and got upset that we hadn't used it. I'm of the impression that you can give someone a gift, great, but they are under no obligation to use it. Especially if they haven't said they needed it.

Another few examples. My sister asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her what I wanted and she got me something else (same price) because that's the thing she liked. I was miffed because I didn't like it, nor did I need it. She was upset because I didn't like it. My partner once again said I was horrible and that I should be grateful. She shouldn't have bloody asked me what I wanted if she wasn't going to get it!

Lastly my gran bought something age innapropriate for my baby. I thanked her and said he wouldn't be able to use it just yet as it was a choking hazard. She exclaimed she could never do anything right and took the bloody gift back!!

So yeah, aibu or is he?

OP posts:
cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 18:50

I wouldn't worry yourself to much about the why's OP just know that for smoother relations with others the best response to gifts is "Thank you that was so thoughtful of you" even if inside your head you're thinking "what a pile of shite"!

I think the thing about gifts is that they are meant to make the recipient feel good/happy but often the person buying the gift gets a lot of pleasure from giving the gift and will feel disappointed that they didn't get it right and sad that they didn't get to feel good about giving you something you would like

ThisOldFool · 09/10/2015 18:51

HP23. You stuck your head above the parapet and took a lot of stick for your trouble. Well, I admire you for that, but just loosen up, sweetie. People buy other people all sorts of things, the recipients would never touch in a million years. It's called life. You'll find life a lot easier and pleasant if you occasionally grit your teeth, smile and say thank you like you mean it, even if the present is in the local charity shop by the end of the week. You may well have eclectic tastes but saying thank you with a smile costs nothing.

bialystockandbloom · 09/10/2015 18:52

ASD isn't a reason to be rude and ungrateful to people.

Bunny if you also have ASD, you surely should appreciate that actually often it is a reason to seem rude/ungrateful.

OP I suspected something like that from your first post. Think the biggest mistake was putting this in AIBU.

titchy · 09/10/2015 18:53

You have to try and imagine how the giver would perceive your actions.

Leaving a gift at your PILs house without letting them know you were doing that, and why, would be interpreted as you disliking the gift so much you couldn't even be bothered to take it home with you.

I realise ASD makes thinking about how others perceive things difficult, but them thinking you hated the clothes was really the most logical response they could have had.

And surely by now you've worked out that you have to pretend to be delighted with something you have been given, and to go along with that pretence and all that entails.

Quiero · 09/10/2015 18:54

Hodge - you don't need to wrap your brain around it. It's ok to think you're right. Like I said, logically, you are right but this isn't a logical situation. It's a touch feely emotional situation which needs a different approach.

Just try and file it in your brain under illogical things I need to do to keep people happy.

CrohnicallyAspie · 09/10/2015 18:54

I have ASD and I find present receiving to be one of the 'easier' social situations, there's a formula to follow:

  1. smile
  2. say thank you
  3. say something nice about the gift (such as 'I was looking for one of those' or 'wow, how interesting!', the latter being useful for situations where it's hideous not to your taste)
  4. if you really, really don't like something, don't say it right then. Take the gift anyway, and then you can have a think about whether you can regift it, say something like 'I do love it, but I already have one/I'd prefer it in blue/it doesn't fit' and ask for the receipt, donate directly to charity, or in the case of baby things, ask if you can leave a few bits at in laws as spares (believe me, it's saved me a few times when DD has been ill or had an accident and I already used my spares).
LadyLonely1 · 09/10/2015 18:55

If your friends and family know how you are in these situations it means it's happened before so you should be well aware by now what's rude or not. Sounds like you just didn't want to be called ungrateful and looking for excuses. I think you need to apologize to all of them.

Oysterbabe · 09/10/2015 18:55

I think the mistake was the dripfeed.
It's a shame the op can't be edited.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 18:55

"Just try and file it in your brain under illogical things I need to do to keep people happy."

Exactly this!

diddl · 09/10/2015 18:56

Did your partner know about the baby stuff, OP?

If so, why did he also leave it there?

Re sister-yup, I'd be miffed at that & probably albeit inadvertantly let it be known.

Grandma-maybe I would have said nothing other than thank you & put it away for when he was old enough.

BoskyCat · 09/10/2015 18:56

I actually do think the whole world of present giving is largely insane and I think that aside from my own difficulties with it.

Endless presents being given that no one wants, people taking offence over the wrong present, or their present not being liked, or presents being cheap, or having to hide and re-gift presents. Escalation of presents so at a child's birthday party they will get hundreds of £ worth of stuff they mostly don't need. People bankrupting themselves and exhausting themselves (especially women) at Christmas making sure every last family member etc. is getting a probably unnecessary present. (It's one of the reasons Christmas is really stressful for me.) People using excessive present-giving as a form of control so you have to be grateful and beholden to them. (My mum does this.)

Yes, humans are irrational and it's not supposed to be about the material gain, it's supposed to be about thoughtfulness and bonding and sharing etc. BUT it causes plenty of people, and not just people with ASD, untold stress and bad feeling.

Don't get me wrong, I love a well-chosen, not OTT or unwanted present. But I wish we could reduce the whole incidence of presents by about 90%.

Original poster
HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 18:58

Ok lastly, what if someone buys you something you specifically told them not to. Smile and thank you still?

OP posts:
Quiero · 09/10/2015 19:02

That is a strange thing to do, and you'd be totally right to feel pissed off...but yes, always smile and say thank you.

My MIL does this, and then even says I know you said you didn't want one of these but they are so practical blah blah blah.

Just smile sweetly Grin

Original poster
HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 19:02

His parents bought me a cot when I told them we didn't need one as we were bed sharing. They bought it because they didn't agree with my decision.

OP posts:
73dexter · 09/10/2015 19:02

Yes and mutter 'dickhead' to yourself!

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 19:03

Unfortunately yes. Although it's ok in my opinion to feel a bit fed up about it because why would someone give you something they know you don't want?

In that situation I'd probably ebay it and put the money towards what I wanted instead! (obviously don't say that's what you are going to do!)

Aquiver · 09/10/2015 19:03

It's worth remembering that these gifts (in the case of your PILs and Gran) were not for you, but were for your child. I can see why they were hurt when you appeared so dismissive of the gifts they had bought for the baby.

Quiero · 09/10/2015 19:03

And you can always return the favour when their birthday comes along with an equally unsuitable gift.

BoskyCat · 09/10/2015 19:04

My mum has often done that hodgepodge. I find it difficult because I know she was doing it to have a dig at me, but the "rule" of presents meant I had to act grateful, and if I didn't she would get upset and nasty.

I suppose it depends who it is, my mum is an extreme example. But with a nice person who was maybe just forgetful, you could as a PP said, say thank you nicely, than a bit later say "I hope you don't mind but I would really love X instead and I'd like to swap it."

I confess I don't tend to do this because I find it too cringily embarrassing, but I think it is OK to do it.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 19:06

Oh that sort of thing annoys me no end. My in laws bought me a duvet set one year even though I said I didn't want one (they asked me first) because they hated the fact that I strip the bed, wash the bedding and dry it and put it back on the same day. Why they care I'll never know!

I exchanged it for a nice piece of hand luggage Grin

ThereGoesaTenner · 09/10/2015 19:07
Shock Wow. I'm not one to put someone down without knowing them but... You made a thread in AIBU to ask this like you have no manners?

I'm sorry but YABU.
There is no way that I would ever see a gift that someone has given me, and taken the time with, as something unnecessary. Nor would I ever have the heart to say to them 'I don't like/want/need it'. I see everything I've been given as sentimental, no matter what it is, especially now as some have passed away - I have the last thing they gave me and more.

I don't know how someone can't appreciate the fact that someone took the time to find, buy, wrap and gift them something. They didn't have to at all. I was brought up to say thank you for whatever you are given.

Quiero · 09/10/2015 19:08

My SIL once bought me a cape. Not a nice one, something more like a wizard would wear.

It took every ounce of human compassion I had in me to smile. I think I even managed an "Oh my god, I've always wanted a cape"

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 19:09

You only have to look at all the threads about wedding gift lists to see that MN has wildly differing opinions on this type of thing. Gift giving and receiving is a sodding minefield

Original poster
HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 19:09

Thank you everyone for all your help. I honestly do appreciate it. People confuse me so much but i'll do what I need to do to not upset people and cause unnecessary stress for myself.

OP posts:
cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 19:12

Good for you OP, well done for taking it all on board. It may all seem a bit illogical but like you said it will make your life less stressful!

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