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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that having adult bridesmaids is a bit silly?

130 replies

Thumbcat · 07/10/2015 12:56

I don't understand why someone getting married would want a selection of her friends to dress up all the same and follow her around all day. Why does a bride need 'maids'? And from the bridesmaid's point of view, wouldn't it be much nicer to attend the wedding as a guest with your partner? It seems a bit silly and 'little girly' to me.

At my wedding I had a close friend who did a reading and who got ready with me, but I didn't feel any need to truss her up in a bridesmaids dress and have her walk behind me.

I understand letting little girls be bridesmaids if they're going to be at the wedding anyway.

I'm interested to hear why people do this and am perfectly prepared to be told that IABU.

OP posts:

Dowser · 08/10/2015 09:23

Thank you Jorah and hulla. The only extra thing I did was make some bunting in Tenerife colours for the restaurant who I don't think had done a wedding before but really stepped up to the plate.

It had originally been a traditional Canarian restaurant so inside looked like a little bodega...I hope I've got the right word.

They even gave us free champagne cocktails because I think they were happy for us , we use the restaurant a lot and were glad of the business. So there was no extra mark up for toasts, chair back covers etc.hire of tablecloths or whatever wedding providers can squeeze out of the unfortunate people who happen to mention the word wedding which seems to come with an extra price tag all it's own.

We had no favours, no sweet trolleys, no photo booths, no band or DJ . We took a cd / mp3 of our 100 fave songs and left it with the restaurant afterwards as they loved it.

Can highly recommend.

BrianCoxReborn · 08/10/2015 09:36

YABU to slate other people's choices about their wedding.

However, I don't "get" all the ridiculous expense that some DB and SIL go to in order to have the "perfect" day. £26k in one day. £26k. Staggering.
YANBU.

From a personal perspective, having met an amazing man that I want to spend the rest of my life with, the thought has crossed my mind and I've decided I want immediates only, registry office, pub lunch after and every one dressed as they wish - no frilly dresses. Just a proclamation of love and commitment to each other.

Poor OH, he has no idea I'm mulling this over

Dowser · 08/10/2015 10:03

Brian , in order to have our proper ceremony in Tenerife we had to have a small civil ceremony.

I invited 4 lady friends , three of whom were unable to make the Tenerife one. That was lovely too. We deliberately kept it low key. So I wore a short dress idbought in the sale which I'd decided to wear for it. I already had the sandals and matching bag. Again I did my own hair, nails and make up. Groom wore dark trousers and white shirt and dark jacket. He had muttered something about wearing his harris tweed jacket till he saw 'the look' ;-)

We said our vows, all our friends signed the register. The two lady registrars took photos. There was lots of laughter. It cost £120 including the reading of the banns. There was definitely no frills. We then went to a lovely pub that does homemade food. Everyone ordered what they wanted with drinks and the bill came to £60 and thankfully we were inside eating when the torrential downpour came.

£26,000 for one day. Eye watering!!! tots up, that's 10 two week holidays in Tenerife or 4 one week breaks in the hotel in Tenerife if we take our ten family.

Still, their money , their choice. I really do hope it was worth it for them.

Taking our wedding day out of the equation, my highlight was having my children and grandchildren all together for a week of fun and sunshine. This family has been through an awful lot in ten years and to have everyone together laughing and smiling was like winning the lottery.

jorahmormont · 08/10/2015 10:14

Our wedding plans were getting out of hand so we decided that the huge majority of it will be home made. Our theme isn't a traditional wedding theme but it's very "us". We have DJ and photographer friends we can get mates rates for - I've photographed weddings for friends before and do it just for the cost of the prints they want -, music will essentially be our Spotify playlist, full roast dinner as the meal and no asking for cash for a honeymoon!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 08/10/2015 10:23

I've never thought about this before so I've had a little ponder and my conclusion is yabu.

Thinking about all the weddings ive been to with adult bridesmaids walking down the aisle and standing at the front of the church etc, well, it all looks entirely natural. And if having her sisters and best friends alongside her is important to the bride, that's enough of a reason. Small bridesmaids will not only be of no help to the bride, they are mostly a hindrance and create extra work, although they do look cute.

totalrecall1 · 08/10/2015 12:05

Stupid yes but imo actually less stupid than child bridesmaids

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 08/10/2015 12:06

I think it might be a bit age related too - if you get married fairly young, you're probably more likely to have friends. If you're a bit older and have godchildren or one of you has older siblings with children, you might decide to involve them.

Dowser · 08/10/2015 12:07

Sounds great Jorah. I didn't want everyone hanging around while photos were taken and it was all extra expense.

We might have had some better photos but really we only needed a representation of our day. I barely looked at my first wedding album and with iPads and things we got some good enough ones that captured the memories.

Will yours be a church service or another venue.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 08/10/2015 12:07

And in terms of wedding traditions being daft, I'm pretty sure that there are very few brides now who technically have a white wedding

BrianCoxReborn · 08/10/2015 12:08

Dowser, sounds like my kinda 'do'

jorahmormont · 08/10/2015 12:08

That's why adult bridesmaids are good - they control the small ones one of the few things I'll ask DSis to do as my bm is to shepherd DD around!

jorahmormont · 08/10/2015 12:09

It will be a hotel or similar venue, neither of us are religious so it wouldn't feel right using a church :)

JasperDamerel · 08/10/2015 12:15

It's the female equivalent of a best man, isn't it? A couple of good friends/relatives who you love and who love you helping out on an important day, and helping to make sure that things go smoothly. They are the people who help you plan, sort out the decorations, calm you down if you get nervous, sort out glitches on the day, shoo badly behaved guests out of the way of the bride and groom and try and make the day go as well as possible. The dresses are not vital, but are traditional for the people in the role in the same way that lots of best men wear a morning suit.

reni2 · 08/10/2015 13:12

YABU. Adult bridesmaids are very important. Their job is to make the bride look more attractive, that's why they have to wear matching dresses which are usually either an unflattering cut or or a weird bridesmaidy colour, sometimes both.

Unless you believe in the traditional myth, bridesmaids are a decoy so Satan doesn't know which one is the bride so won't know which one to take (only works if they match the bride of course, nobody gets married in off-mint or gaviscon-pink)

Lottapianos · 09/10/2015 19:18

I had a look at Gay Geranium but the formula looked shockingly dry. I bought Flirty Orange by GOSH instead, one of their Velvet Touch range. Looks promising so far, will give it a full road test tomorrow

Lottapianos · 09/10/2015 19:18

Oh god, SO sorry! Wrong thread........ As you were.......

Mrsjayy · 09/10/2015 19:23

No sillier than a grown woman flinging on a white/ivory lace pouffy floaty dress really yabu.

DickDewy · 09/10/2015 19:24

It's a bit of an American thing - having a line of adult bridesmaids.

I think anything goes with weddings now, but I always feel a bit sorry for the fat one (there is always a fat one) who is wearing a sleeveless, unflattering dress and made to be in photos with 3 or 4 slim, glam types.

Mrsjayy · 09/10/2015 19:25

When i was maid of honour bridesmaid i had to help the bride humph up her dress to use the toilet

CrabbyPatties · 09/10/2015 19:30

I know exactly why its become a thing to have lots of adult bridesmaids. 20+ years ago people mainly had about 4 bridesmaids maximum, mostly quite young girls, plus a pageboy, to look cute on the photos.
Nowadays people have expensive hen parties, often abroad, lots of different presents for the bride to be etc. That all has to be paid for and organised. Asking a team of adult girlfriends to be your bridesmaids obliges them to sort it.

CrabbyPatties · 09/10/2015 19:32

Same reason why nowadays grooms have lots of best men, ushers etc.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/10/2015 21:07

"I always feel a bit sorry for the fat one (there is always a fat one) who is wearing a sleeveless, unflattering dress and made to be in photos with 3 or 4 slim, glam types."

What's the alternative? A special outfit for the fat one and not letting her be in the photos?
On the other hand, in some countries the 'best woman' is just a witness who wears a suit or dress and signs the register. You could do that, but I think it's a bit boring.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/10/2015 21:16

"Much more sociable than sitting at a long table in between the groom's granddad and the bride's brother."

The bridesmaid sits next to the groom's father. When I was a little girl bridesmaid, I was fussed over by everyone and as an adult bridesmaid I enjoyed finally meeting the groom's father and chatting to him. I thought it was an honour to sit at the top table.

DickDewy · 09/10/2015 21:17

I don't know what the alternative is, because, as I said - seemingly anything goes.

However 5 or 6 grown women are not going to suit the same dress, which is why I always wince a bit for the one that looks all wrong.

My friend was the (her words) very fat one in a line up of 6 30-40 year olds in pale grey one shouldered dresses this January (ffs). She said it was bloody humiliating, but refused the offer of a pashmina as she would've been the only one.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/10/2015 21:23

Dick Dewy, I suppose you could have a dress code rather than a uniform e.g. wear a long dress in x colour, but it might be a bit less fun.

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