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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that having adult bridesmaids is a bit silly?

130 replies

Thumbcat · 07/10/2015 12:56

I don't understand why someone getting married would want a selection of her friends to dress up all the same and follow her around all day. Why does a bride need 'maids'? And from the bridesmaid's point of view, wouldn't it be much nicer to attend the wedding as a guest with your partner? It seems a bit silly and 'little girly' to me.

At my wedding I had a close friend who did a reading and who got ready with me, but I didn't feel any need to truss her up in a bridesmaids dress and have her walk behind me.

I understand letting little girls be bridesmaids if they're going to be at the wedding anyway.

I'm interested to hear why people do this and am perfectly prepared to be told that IABU.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 07/10/2015 13:36

YANBU though I did have them. Felt abit daft being a brides"maid" though when over 35 and a mother of two. Kind of like the moment had passed..

Notso · 07/10/2015 13:42

I had DSIS because she asked if she could be one and so that kind of meant I had to have DH's sister too.

All of the whole wedding thing is daft when you think about it too much. I loved getting married to DH but I wish we hadn't had a wedding. A massive waste of time and money.

Lottapianos · 07/10/2015 13:45

'I agree with Hully. Weddings in general are mental. If I ever get married it'll be at a registry office with NO guests, no faff and no bollocks.'

Completely agree. I find almost everything about weddings to be naff, tasteless nonsense. A lot of people just do the traditional stuff because they feel they're 'supposed to', not because they want to. And I agree with the previous poster who pointed that nearly everyone's 'special day' looks exactly the same as everyone else's.

And yes, of course everyone can do what they want etc. I'm not saying that laws should be passed to ban bridesmaids and matching chair covers and all that shizz. I'm just expressing my opinion on most weddings, just as the OP did.

AuntieStella · 07/10/2015 13:45

To think that having adult bridesmaids is a bit silly?

How else would you confuse the bride-stealing demons? Little ones just aren't good enough decoys.

PallasCat · 07/10/2015 13:46

Last year my friend and I were bridesmaids for each other, in weddings roughly six months apart. Aside from having been friends since childhood, in the year leading up to our weddings, we had each gone through deeply traumatic losses.

We were uniquely able to support each other - had it not been for her I may well still be sitting in my room, as I was the night before, having a major meltdown which my husband, as loving, gentle and empathetic as he is, had absolutely no clue how to get me out of.

Our weddings were very different, but each in their own way distinctly unconventional. Perhaps partly because of the rough times we had been through, we and our now-husbands didn't hesitate to dispense with traditions that didn't work for us, including but not limited to bridesmaid-related traditions (we each chose our own dresses, by the way, and certainly didn't follow each other around all day).

On the day, and leading up to it, we both needed each other in a capacity that was distinct from being friends: other friends did readings, but we needed each other in the 'wedding party' (a phrase I really don't like). We made the walk with each other, and gave a speech for each other. There was nothing 'little girly' about the roles we performed: speaking for myself, it felt like a tremendous responsibility and one of the most 'grown-up' things I've ever done.

OP you may not have needed a bridesmaid, but that doesn't mean that other women don't, or that their need can be described as 'silly'.

squoosh · 07/10/2015 13:47

I couldn't be bothered with the faff and expense of planning a big wedding. The faff is the main factor to be honest. So I'd elope.

Happy to enjoy other people's weddings though!

Joskar · 07/10/2015 13:48

I had four. My cousin, my sister and my two best girlfriends. They helped me organise and set up and decorate the hall. They helped me clear up the next day. They helped me buy my dress. They grew some of the flowers and made the cake and organised some of the music. They did my hair and make up. They wore their own choice of dress. All different. They all got spectacularly drunk and snogged inappropriate people. It was a great night. You don't have to have the same stuff as other folk if you don't want it.

thehypocritesoaf · 07/10/2015 13:48

Isn't it so you can pay for your mates to all wear the same dress and have the same hair-do at the same time?

spankhurst · 07/10/2015 13:53

It is a bit silly, yes, like 99% of wedding stuff. Modern weddings seem to have taken on a whole terrible life of their own, with ever-increasing nonsense involved.

whois · 07/10/2015 14:01

Well it is a bit silly, but I don't see the harm in having your adult friends be your bridesmaids.

it's fun to include your friends in your 'special day' and have them get ready with you.

It's nice to have help choose dresses and stuff.

It's used as a way of honouring the friendship and saying 'you're special to me'.

PrimalLass · 07/10/2015 14:41

Everything about weddings is just unnecessary IMO.

Unreasonablebetty · 07/10/2015 14:47

I had adult bridesmaids and children. We had vv small wedding so having 2 of each, we looked a bit twattish.
My favourite bridesmaid wore hot pink- which she hates... And wore just to prove to me that it was my day, and she would do exactly as I wanted- which incidentally wasn't a lot! I ordered her to have fun and choose her own dress haha, but as pink was a colour I was set on....
And my sister, she's only 20 so she's not really that grown up, but it's the last thing she did for me. She stormed off after the ceremony cos she didn't get the same flowers as the kids and we've not spoken since so for me, it was very special that I had my grown up bridesmaids,,, it can all get quite silly, but I'd like to think that it was nice how I did it.

NewLife4Me · 07/10/2015 14:52

it used to be traditional for the bride to have family relations only as bridesmaids and once you were a married sister you became matron of honour.
So if you were single you'd be a bridesmaid, hence the saying always a bridesmaid never the bride.

Troubletutmill · 07/10/2015 15:14

My friend has one brother who is a bit of a pain and her Mother died a few years ago. I felt incredibly honoured to be her only bridesmaid, it was quite a low key wedding with no nonsense. It was really hard for my friend to get married without her Mother there and I like to think I helped her through the day emotionally and also practically.

chrome100 · 07/10/2015 15:44

I don't understand why you'd have a little kid as a bridesmaid who would require so much direction and management and will probably just wee on the floor.

Lottapianos · 07/10/2015 15:50

I honestly don't understand why people have children at weddings at all. But then, I don't get the 'joining of two families' aspect either which people often quote as the reason why children should be involved. Personally, all that gives me the heaves, but that opinion is heavily influenced by both me and my DP having pretty ghastly family situations Smile

HPsauciness · 07/10/2015 15:51

I don't 'get' bridesmaids either really. I didn't have any, but did dress with one close friend, who then went to the wedding as herself. I didn't do formal speeches, photos, favours or any of that either, although the dress/setting was all fairly conventional.

I don't think it matters either way, I just don't love seeing grown women squashed (as they often are) into unflattering frocks, but if it matters to you to have them match, or have sentimental reasons why you need a posse on your big day, it's fairly harmless.

Elledouble · 07/10/2015 15:52

I had three, and wouldn't have any at all should I marry again! Having been married already feels quite freeing, like I won't have to have anything I don't want (like I did first time round...)

I've been a bridesmaid three times (twice as a child and once as an adult) and am thoroughly glad that I almost certainly won't be again.

Runningupthathill82 · 07/10/2015 15:57

YANBU OP. I think it's bonkers, like most wedding traditions.
Hence why I didn't have any bridesmaids (and no, I wasn't "given away" and didn't have a wedding car/flowers/sit down meal/first dance either).

Ifiwasabadger · 07/10/2015 16:00

YANBU am totally with you on this.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/10/2015 16:17

YANBU thought so for years but it is something I have kept quiet about.

squoosh · 07/10/2015 16:45

I think it's bonkers, like most wedding traditions.
Hence why I didn't have any bridesmaids (and no, I wasn't "given away" and didn't have a wedding car/flowers/sit down meal/first dance either).

But you had a wedding. So you did indulge in some 'bonkers' traditions.

Anotherusername1 · 07/10/2015 16:51

Nope I don't think it's silly. I had one adult bridesmaid and two little-ish ones (aged 9 and 11 at the time).

I was a bridesmaid when I was 15.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 07/10/2015 17:05

Horses for courses I guess.

I agree that most wedding traditions are silly.

It's a bit mean to pick one that many people clearly have found value in and call it silly.

I personally didn't enjoy being an adult bridesmaid (kept tripping on dress for one thing!). Loved it as a child.

I didn't have adult bridesmaids because a. I didn't want to dress my friends, b. I didn't want to choose between friends and c. I wanted to give the older children a bit of the limelight.

But that was just me.

SevenSeconds · 07/10/2015 17:11

I loved being an adult bridesmaid for my two best friends and having the same two friends as my adult bridesmaids. I didn't have any child bridesmaids. So YABU.