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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these men could look after their own children occasionally?

105 replies

CallaLilli · 07/10/2015 10:02

I have two friends (well not just two friends, but you know what I mean!)

One has recently gone back to work 3 days a week after maternity leave and has a 12 month old DS. Her husband left his job a few months ago and is currently unemployed. She pays a childminder to look after her DS 3 days a week and was telling me how hard it is as she’s basically just working to pay the childcare costs. AIBU to think her DH could look after their son for at least one of those days so they save on the childminder fee?

The other friend has 2 young children and her partner works fulltime and spends his entire weekend doing his various hobbies, which mean that he’s out of the house then too. She is beyond exhausted as she has no one to help her and gets no time to herself. Another friend suggested her DP occasionally take a weekend off from his hobbies and look after the kids for a few hours so she can have a break but no, apparently his hobbies are very important to him as they help him relax. AIBU to think he’s being a selfish git?

It actually saddens me that in the 21st century there are still men around who don’t pull their weight when it comes to childcare. Why do women put up with it?

(Oh and I’m not a troll or a GF, I’ve just NCed for this in case I’m recognised)

OP posts:
RavennaWorsley · 07/10/2015 10:42

YANBU. I wouldn't have one child with a man like that, let alone two.

LidikaLikes · 07/10/2015 10:45

YANBU. Drives me batty too.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 07/10/2015 10:46

I know a couple of men like this and its so hard not to say something really insulting!
Had a conversation with a female friend recently. She said -
"Sorry, can't come next Thursday evening, no baby sitter."
Me "Oh, is M out as well?"
Her "No?"
Turns out he won't to bedtime on his own. If she wants to go out for an evening she has to get his mum round to help.

expatinscotland · 07/10/2015 10:46

YANBU.

SurlyCue · 07/10/2015 10:48

Her husband left his job a few months ago and is currently unemployed. She pays a childminder to look after her DS 3 days a week and was telling me how hard it is as she’s basically just working to pay the childcare costs.

  1. how are they eating? Paying bills? Confused
  2. she's a mug. Unless there is something we/you arent hearing about this which i suspect there is. If all her wage is going on childcare it means he has money coming in to cover everything else. So in actuality, he is the one using childcare. Which is fine, many SAHPs use childcare. Its only a problem if they cant afford it. Im assuming they can. As they are.
AuntieStella · 07/10/2015 10:49

First example - not sure. All depends on the state of his job-hunting. Because going down to two days is all well and good, until he goes back to work you need three again and the day you had before is no longer available.

Second one is being an utter arse. He should either alternate weekends, or only do one day per weekend. And make sure he does the lion's share in the non-hobby times.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2015 10:50

While there are door matts in the world, there will always be people willing to wipe their feet on them.

Sad but true.

passmethewineplease · 07/10/2015 10:53

YANBU. I know several men that can't seem to cope with their own children.

It enrages me. My DSIS DP barely does any childcare, my sister does everything, she will even ask our Mum to watch him instead of her DP! Apparently pottering round in a shed is serious work and he couldn't possibly watch his son. Hmm

The other rings my friend up when the kids are crying/shouting and just lets it play thus worrying my friend in to hurrying back from the only downtime she gets.Angry

These men that can't possibly watch their own kids annoy the hell out of me, Even worse when they call it babysitting.

DP does his fair share and rightly so!

Sighing · 07/10/2015 10:55

I had two children with a man who (when out of work) convinced me I'd get lazy / he'd never find work if we reduced the CM time. He also 'needed' his all weekend holiday/ hobby time as he was stressed about not working. I saw the light one weekend he didn't return until very late (midnight bank holiday monday). I knew the event finished around lunch. I asked where the fuck he'd been (I'd texted him I was getting a migraine a 10 am and could do with some support with 2 children). He told me that he'd had to help a friend get stuff back .... because that friend had children and needed family time. That was our last argument that wasn't about getting him gone. Just sad it took me so long.
There are many useless sods out there.

Topaz25 · 07/10/2015 10:59

In principle YANBU at all, especially in the second scenario. However, are you sure you know the full circumstances about why the husband in the first scenario suddenly left his job and is now unemployed? It's possible that he has physical or mental health problems that make him unable to work or look after the child alone but doesn't want everyone to know. If his wife is working just to pay childcare costs they must have other income, perhaps he is on disability benefits but there is a lot of stigma around that and people are sometimes embarrassed to talk about it.

Cerseirys · 07/10/2015 11:00

I also get a bit ragey when people refer to their partner or husband being unable to "babysit". Babysitting is what you do with other people's kids, not your own!

WhenTheDragonsCame · 07/10/2015 11:00

My ExH was like this. I worked 3 days a week and he quit his job. He did work some mornings cash in hand but it all went to the pub. A few times my DM had to take me shopping as I had no money.

He also refused to "babysit" for the DC so if I wanted to do anything in the evening I had to get someone else to have them.

At the time I knew it wasn't right but now I look back I wonder why I didn't just get rid of him sooner. My life has improved immeasurably since we split up.

It has however made me very scared of meeting anybody else so think I will be single forever now.

Pseudo341 · 07/10/2015 11:01

One of my favourite film quotes, from Thelma and Louise, "you get what you settle for". As long as women will put up with these men they'll keep being selfish gits.

sliceofsoup · 07/10/2015 11:01

YANBU.

The thing that really annoys me though, is when I am out somewhere and DH has the kids (it happens on a regular basis, he is as hands on as I am) I constantly get comments about who has the kids? Oh, DH?! Isn't that great that he minds them for you!!

What the clean fuck is that all about? It happens all the time and is usually from women.

HE ISN'T MINDING THEM, HE IS JUST BEING A PARENT!!!! Angry

Original poster
CallaLilli · 07/10/2015 11:03

Topaz he was on a contract and it came to an end, so perhaps I should've said "lost" his job rather than "left". He is looking for work so perhaps I am being a bit U regarding him and will admit that.

However there is no excuse for friend No 2's husband as I think he's behaving like an arse!

OP posts:
MissMarpleCat · 07/10/2015 11:03

What is sad is that these women put up with this behaviour.

SurlyCue · 07/10/2015 11:11

you get what you settle for". As long as women will put up with these men they'll keep being selfish gits.

THIS THIS THIS. A thousand times this! I wish this was on billboards all over the country. It's infuriating hearing the same script over and over and over and the same excuses for why people just accept it.

Cerseirys · 07/10/2015 11:11

I get told how "lucky" I am that DP does his fair share of childcare. I always reply saying no, I'm not lucky - that's how it should be and those who don't have the same are unlucky.

My mother always bangs on about how lucky my SiL is too as my brother does lots for their kids but again, that is what partnerships should be like and unless someone has a super-demanding 24/7 job there is no excuse for not helping out.

LidikaLikes · 07/10/2015 11:13

Sliceofsoup you sound just like me. DH pretty much given a medal every time he does the school run, and he shrugs it all off, agrees that they are our kids, not just Lidika's.

BoyScout · 07/10/2015 11:19

There's been more than one thread on here before from women whose husbands are watching football every Saturday or cycling three nights a week or going off with sea cadets every weekend, venting their frustration and asking what to do.

The answer is put your fucking foot down! Who wouldn't be out enjoying themselves if they had the chance - it's up to you to stop it.

BoyScout · 07/10/2015 11:23

And of course, what these idiots don't realise is that if their wife got sick of it and left them, they'd have to have the kids on their own all the bloody time, weekends included, if they ever wanted to see them!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/10/2015 11:29

Absolutely, DH would take a mile if I gave him an inch. We have just had a big renegotiation of his hobby time, which had crept up little by little over the past year. Get still gets loads of time to himself so no need for him to be taking the piss.

SurlyCue · 07/10/2015 11:29

I think the key is to better know your partner before deciding to be a co-parent with them. Too many people create children despite already having doubts or just not knowing their partner well enough. I was in the "had doubts and buried my head in the sand" camp. friends i've spoken to have mostly been in the same camp. A few have been completely oblivious to the fact that there were other options than "men are just big children really, Lol!" Hmm very depressing.

Only1scoop · 07/10/2015 11:32

Dp does everything I do and a bit more on top if I'm honest Wink

I find some family set ups extremely bizarre but perhaps they would mine.

Whatever works I guess.

Original poster
CallaLilli · 07/10/2015 11:45

Whatever works I guess.

Yes, but in the second case it's clearly not working for the poor woman!

OP posts: