Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these men could look after their own children occasionally?

105 replies

CallaLilli · 07/10/2015 10:02

I have two friends (well not just two friends, but you know what I mean!)

One has recently gone back to work 3 days a week after maternity leave and has a 12 month old DS. Her husband left his job a few months ago and is currently unemployed. She pays a childminder to look after her DS 3 days a week and was telling me how hard it is as she’s basically just working to pay the childcare costs. AIBU to think her DH could look after their son for at least one of those days so they save on the childminder fee?

The other friend has 2 young children and her partner works fulltime and spends his entire weekend doing his various hobbies, which mean that he’s out of the house then too. She is beyond exhausted as she has no one to help her and gets no time to herself. Another friend suggested her DP occasionally take a weekend off from his hobbies and look after the kids for a few hours so she can have a break but no, apparently his hobbies are very important to him as they help him relax. AIBU to think he’s being a selfish git?

It actually saddens me that in the 21st century there are still men around who don’t pull their weight when it comes to childcare. Why do women put up with it?

(Oh and I’m not a troll or a GF, I’ve just NCed for this in case I’m recognised)

OP posts:
justmyview · 07/10/2015 19:32

Friend 1 - her DH could be busting a gut to look for work and maybe their son is already settled and happy with childminder, so I have some sympathy with that

Friend 2 - her DP sounds grim & very selfish

A friend of mine takes her children on holiday on her own (and pays for it from her own wages) because her DH prefers not to use his annual leave to spend time with his family. Makes me want to cry on her behalf

Iggi999 · 07/10/2015 19:40

But Cookie, if he does his hobby for one day each weekend, and she gets the same alone time to do whatever, when do they spend time together with the family? (Or each other)

Duckdeamon · 07/10/2015 19:44

Perhaps the friend paying the CM when her DH isn't working has doubts about the future of the relationship and doesn't want him being the primary carer?

Poopy22 · 07/10/2015 19:47

Argh I hate this. My friend at work has a new fella, he is talked about like some sort of Nobel peace price winning saint because he is 'such a good dad' . He has two kids with an ex who apparently 'treats him terribly' as he has to PAY MONEY for his kids even though he has them every other weekend and 'does loads of things with them' for example takes them to a museum or to the park. And she still can't get over how 'sweet' it was when he bought them both new school shoes (from Asda) and a new lunchbox! I mean good god, he bought his own kids something!!!!

Drives me INSANE

SurlyCue · 07/10/2015 20:07

Muckogy Wed 07-Oct-15 12:00:28
these men are selfish cunts. i don't know why they ever bother with relationships and kids because they are clearly not interested in either

I think a huge part of it is "anything for an easy life" i.e: theyre getting regular sex, meals, clean washing with someone who clearly doesnt give them much grief over them doing fuck all so when she starts talking babies and marriage they do it to keep the sweet deal they have, otherwise she will either start giving them grief "i want a wedding and babies" or she'll leave and he'll have to start washing his own shit, feed himself and go through the hassle of pretending to be an adult male for long enough to get another mug to do it all for him. Its really just easier to keep the original mug and give her what she wants.

SansaryaAgain · 07/10/2015 23:18

I also wonder if the women who put up with this crap are from families where their dads were like this and their mums did everything? So they don't know any different and just assume that's what all men are like.

Andrewofgg · 08/10/2015 04:30

Probably - likewise of course the men. If parents bring up their DC differently the next generation of parents will know better.

toomuchtooold · 08/10/2015 06:05

With family 1, I can see their point as the DH is presumably looking for a new job so they might not want to reduce the hours at the CM in case she can't step her hours up again once he's working.

DP2 is just taking the piss though.

BoboChic · 08/10/2015 06:10

Looking after DC and serious job hunting are mutually incompatible so in the first example it isn't clear cut whether the woman has a raw deal.

Senpai · 08/10/2015 06:17

Yeah, DH does his fair share of childcare even though he works full time. I'll kick him and DD out for errands so I get a moment alone to just relax. While he's out he gets loaded with compliments just for taking his baby out shopping (granted most are directed at her, and she is hella cute), if he were he a woman he would not have everyone coming up to him. Trust me, I know.

But that said, I grew up with a father who wasn't around much and my mother did do the majority of the work. I told DH straight out if he did half the shit my father did, he'd be enjoying a lonely bachelor pad once again. I watched my parents fight about it because my father didn't pull his weight or bother to discipline us. As kids we didn't respect him either and blamed my mom whenever he did yell at us (which infuriated her even more).

But DH had an absent father growing up both physically and emotionally, so it's important to him to be the father he never had for DD.

So I think it's just a matter of knowing what you want your priorities to be.

StealthPolarBear · 08/10/2015 07:42

I suspect most women who are returning to work after being a sahp do it while looking after small children full time.

StealthPolarBear · 08/10/2015 07:46

"Do it" being find work and set up childcare arrangements. Not actually return!

Duckdeamon · 08/10/2015 08:17

Poopy, why don't you tell your friend what's what with her dick of a boyfriend?

Lottapianos · 08/10/2015 09:24

'And she still can't get over how 'sweet' it was when he bought them both new school shoes (from Asda) and a new lunchbox! '

Good grief. I would go insane listening to this nonsense too.

Original poster
CallaLilli · 08/10/2015 09:51

You make a good point Stealth. I might be a bit U re friend number one's DH but as you say, there's many women out there job hunting who also manage to look after the kids while doing it!

OP posts:
Jeffreythegiraffe · 08/10/2015 10:49

It makes me thank god I married my DH who just gets on with parenting our DC as much as I do.

My stupid phone changed parenting to partying. There is definitely no partying.

BreakingDad77 · 08/10/2015 11:59

surly cue - just easier to keep the original mug and give her what she wants

I would say this explains a lot of that behaviour, they have their little woman running around for them and so when the child comes along it will just be the same. Though grandparent dont help, DW's step mum always giving DW crap saying 'shes always out' just because she has had a couple nights out in the month drinking with friends.

Shes nice though but does drop anecdotes about working her part time job at time and having all chores done by the time she left, 3 kids sorted and dinner on table for her first husband before he got home.

twelfstripe · 08/10/2015 12:56

Yanbu

I know a Mum who put her baby in full time childcare while her dp was home 'writing a book'. He wouldn't even do collections or drop offs. The book never materialised either AFAIK.

LittleMiss77 · 08/10/2015 13:15

This thread is interesting - I posted something similar in Chat about whether i was BU about expecting DP to take over/provide assistance in the evening and at weekends and generally be a little more hands on with DS.

I got royally flamed by a number of posters who told me that as DP isat work all day its ok for him to sit on his arse and not raise a finger at any other time Hmm

Atenco · 08/10/2015 15:01

I left my ex before I even realised that I was pregnant, but I always knew he would have been like these men, turning looking after children into a chore that only women have to do and I am so glad that I didn't have to live with that. I think that attitude would have sucked the joy out of having my child and made me resentful of her.

Why do these men have children if, instead of enjoying their children and being glad to be able to spend time with them, they avoid them at all costs?

passmethewineplease · 08/10/2015 15:15

With friend 1 is suggest maybe cutting a day instead of all together to keep her place open.

I don't really see why you can't job hunt and look after children. How do SAHM get jobs?!

tearsofrobertsmith · 08/10/2015 17:45

A friend was talking about how great her DH was as he was going to do tea, bath and bed time for the kids all by himself that weekend whilst she had a night out. She thought that this feat was great as "not many guys his age would do that".
I was dumbfounded by this comment and pointed out that they were HIS children and he was nearly thirty. She shrugged and said "well, you know what I mean, I still think he's being brilliant."
God help us.

juliej75 · 08/10/2015 19:12

Is it not ok to say you're "lucky" when a DH/DP pulls his weight with the children?

I just see it as a way of expressing appreciation for a good quality in a person. To be clear, I consider being a hands-on mother a good quality too.

I'd rate DH as being as involved and interested and active with the DC as I am. Sometimes he does more than me, sometimes less. Generally, this is dictated by our working patterns, but we still thank each other for picking up the slack/arranging things to allow the other some me-time etc.. And yes, I think I'm lucky to be with him!

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 08/10/2015 19:23

No, because luck has nothing to do with it. Nobody says himself is lucky when his missus pulls her weight with the children, do they?
Anything that makes it out of the ordinary for a man to do the bare minimumof looking after his own children is unecessary and actually harmful.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 08/10/2015 19:32

Careful you don't demonise the women who find themselves with men who are more boy than man.

We are all products of our upbringing - be it women who 'settle' (as put up thread) or men who are lazy chancers. Don't forget it's women who have to decide to 'settle' because they're the ones with clocks ticking.

We need to make sure we bring up boys who don't do this to our DILs easier said than done

Swipe left for the next trending thread