To think these men could look after their own children occasionally?

[CallaLilli]

I have two friends (well not just two friends, but you know what I mean!)

One has recently gone back to work 3 days a week after maternity leave and has a 12 month old DS. Her husband left his job a few months ago and is currently unemployed. She pays a childminder to look after her DS 3 days a week and was telling me how hard it is as she’s basically just working to pay the childcare costs. AIBU to think her DH could look after their son for at least one of those days so they save on the childminder fee?

The other friend has 2 young children and her partner works fulltime and spends his entire weekend doing his various hobbies, which mean that he’s out of the house then too. She is beyond exhausted as she has no one to help her and gets no time to herself. Another friend suggested her DP occasionally take a weekend off from his hobbies and look after the kids for a few hours so she can have a break but no, apparently his hobbies are very important to him as they help him relax. AIBU to think he’s being a selfish git?

It actually saddens me that in the 21st century there are still men around who don’t pull their weight when it comes to childcare. Why do women put up with it?

(Oh and I’m not a troll or a GF, I’ve just NCed for this in case I’m recognised)

DP has a friend, an ex he's still close to, who is married with young triplets. She has a truly amazing job. Her DH lost his own high powered job a few years ago and is still looking for work - won't consider anything "beneath him" like middle management. They have a full time nanny as he needs to concentrate on looking for work.

She is considering giving up her career as her salary is struggling to fund their expensive London life and moving back to Scotland. She's also bloody exhausted.

DP and I are by the situation!

They don't "find themselves" with these men, they choose them. They have to take some responsibilty for the situation that comes after it.

Constance, yes they do choose them, you're right, but its not done consciously. Its very true that we're products of our upbringing. Some women don't feel they have a right to expect anything better than a lazy lump of a partner who barely lifts a finger. All the nonsense you see and hear in society about how useless men are, how you can't expect much from them and how you have to treat them like another child doesn't help.

Quite Lotta

I also see the situation where a woman has chosen a man obviously less attractive, intelligent or charismatic than herself for reasons of confidence and because she feels devalued in the rest of her life - sort of wanting to be a big fish in a small pond. I know someone who we were all when she married him. She wanted to be in control because her ex was the opposite.

Don't forget it's women who have to decide to 'settle' because they're the ones with clocks ticking.

this was part of my point, although I didn't make it specifically, if you see what I mean.

part of what I was trying to say is that, although I've had to impoverish myself, I have at least had enough money to get pregnant on my own, women in my situation who don't have any money are fairly scuppered, there are other options but they're generally quite limited/risky. Adoption is a good option but there are more obstacles to it as a single person, particularly if you feel that you couldn't handle a child with disabilities and/or loads of issues.

it's all a good argument for more social cohesion, more chances to meet a man (so thanks to the supermarkets for the role they've played in forcing local pubs, shops and other amenities to close!!!!)