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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these men could look after their own children occasionally?

105 replies

CallaLilli · 07/10/2015 10:02

I have two friends (well not just two friends, but you know what I mean!)

One has recently gone back to work 3 days a week after maternity leave and has a 12 month old DS. Her husband left his job a few months ago and is currently unemployed. She pays a childminder to look after her DS 3 days a week and was telling me how hard it is as she’s basically just working to pay the childcare costs. AIBU to think her DH could look after their son for at least one of those days so they save on the childminder fee?

The other friend has 2 young children and her partner works fulltime and spends his entire weekend doing his various hobbies, which mean that he’s out of the house then too. She is beyond exhausted as she has no one to help her and gets no time to herself. Another friend suggested her DP occasionally take a weekend off from his hobbies and look after the kids for a few hours so she can have a break but no, apparently his hobbies are very important to him as they help him relax. AIBU to think he’s being a selfish git?

It actually saddens me that in the 21st century there are still men around who don’t pull their weight when it comes to childcare. Why do women put up with it?

(Oh and I’m not a troll or a GF, I’ve just NCed for this in case I’m recognised)

OP posts:
Librarina · 07/10/2015 15:16

I remember shortly after I returned to work PT after my Mat Leave with our first. I emailed DH to ask him if he would babysit so I could go to an impromptu event with some friends.

He replied straight away 'No, but I can put our daughter to bed and take care of her'. That's the sort of man you want, not these wastes of space.

Lottapianos · 07/10/2015 15:18

Yes ok, you're right! It is ridiculous, and misogynist, for a grown man to expect his female partner to do all, or most, of the domestic stuff, just because she's a woman, and being a 'nice' bloke is no excuse.

Yes, they have children (not everyone does!). They live far from us so I don't see them very often but from what I understand, he's a very hands on and devoted dad, and does his share. Completely agree though that there's nothing like children arriving to bring out any latent sexism in the relationship

LadyLonely1 · 07/10/2015 15:19

Op unfortunately your friends have created this situation for themselves. Why go on and have more children if they knew how their dps behaved after the first. Crying Now doesn't help. They need to stop being door mats.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/10/2015 15:24

These sort of men drive me mad. My ex-H was one of them. Utterly incapable of caring for his own child. I once went out to visit an aunt who had had a dreadful health diagnosis and came back to find my son hadn't been fed all day as ex had been distracted selling his truck Hmm. When he finally left, he immediately tried to tell me that he'd have DS to "give me time to pull myself together" but "OW would have to help as he couldn't be expected to care for DS on his own". It was OK to leave me with two kids on my own though, apparently. An utter waste of space. Some men think everything is all about them and they come first in everything. Sod everybody else. Really grates on me.

trian · 07/10/2015 15:24

I'm fairly new to mumsnet and have absolutely despaired at some of the questions some women ask tbh (I'm a woman).....they'll list a whole load of disgusting, unacceptable behaviour from DP/DH and then ask if THEY'RE being unreasonable. I feel like screaming at the screen "it's 2015, that behaviour has been seen as unreasonable since at least women's lib in the 1970's, if not before"!!!!! I don't want to victim-blame, but when friends (regardless of gender) say anything that indicates oppression etc, I know it's more realistic to empower them to protect themselves, as there will always be bastards in the world. Although I try and let the bastards know that their behaviour is not ok when i have the energy.

I really do not choose to be single, and it would be less likely that I'd be single if my 20's had allowed for more of a social life etc. I tried really hard to find a man to settle down with and then have kids (I wouldn't have been willing to have kids with anyone without having a good few years to work out if they were a fuckwit or not).

To cut a long story short, I couldn't find anyone decent before my fertility started to drop off a cliff at 35 (that's normal for female fertility), so I ended up having to get pregnant by impoverishing myself by paying for fertility treatment (NHS rarely funds single women). The options for women who really can't afford this but feel that they need to have a child by pregnancy are very limited and a legal minefield. So it's not surprising that so many women settle for less than they and their children deserve (tho i think many of them shield their children from the impact).

There have been and are a lot of extra strains in my life that are not of my making. I'm about to have a baby on my own, with very little support. BUT RATHER THIS THAN LIVING A LIE AND PUTTING UP WITH BULLSHIT FROM SOME SUBSTANDARD MAN WHO REFUSES TO EVOLVE, AS SO MANY OF THEM SEEM TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Having said that i know some amazing men that just prove the point that we shouldn't let them off the hook for being shit just cos "they're men and they can't help it." They can help it.

I did live with a lazy fuckwit arsehole for a while. Never again.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/10/2015 15:24

Librarina..precisely!!

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 07/10/2015 15:27

When some of these parents are older they may well find that their adult children can't really be bothered, because there just isn't enough of a relationship to draw on.

I remember all the stuff my parents used to do with us in the evenings after work and at weekends (from playing football to tutoring, baking, chatting, library visits etc). They can't possibly have felt like it, or rather, they would probably rather have had a cup of tea and a sit-down, but they gave us time and attention. And I've always been grateful for it.

Cerseirys · 07/10/2015 15:29

Well said trian. And quite often when these women moan and you ask them why they don't take more of a stand they'll say things like "oh that's just what men are like" or "he's a great dad really, he just isn't hands-on". Quite frankly, in the case of OP's second friend, I don't know what sort of father doesn't want to spend even one of his days off with his kids.

Jenijena · 07/10/2015 15:35

Yanbu. On a local parenting fb group I'm on there's a current thread with one woman exasperated that her husband does fuck all and the responses are either: how to trick/encourage/cajole him to do more 'but you know what men are like' or women saying 'yup, I was married to one like that. We are no longer married...'

Lottapianos · 07/10/2015 15:47

'And quite often when these women moan and you ask them why they don't take more of a stand they'll say things like "oh that's just what men are like" or "he's a great dad really, he just isn't hands-on". '

I do have a lot of sympathy for women who have incredibly low expectations of their men - often they've been well trained since childhood to put themselves last all the time and its not an easy habit to break. However, I cannot bear the 'he's a terrific dad' thing. Feeding your child and taking them to the park / playing a bit of lego occasionally does not make you a 'terrific' dad. That is just bare minimum parenting. Its like they're pathetically grateful that the man is showing any interest in the child at all. And as for 'that's what men are like' - I don't know whether to scream or cry...... Ridiculously low expectations are no good for either men or women.

HelenaDove · 07/10/2015 16:53

Muckogy Wed 07-Oct-15 12:00:28
these men are selfish cunts. i don't know why they ever bother with relationships and kids because they are clearly not interested in either

Purely for the status of it i suspect.

m0therofdragons · 07/10/2015 16:59

It's so pathetic when they don't step up. So glad I have a wonderful husband who this weekend will look after all 3 dds while I swan off on my own to visit a friend over night. I wouldn't tolerate a man who wouldn't. I did used to feel guilty leaving dh with dd1 and dtds when they were all little because it was bloody hard work but then dh pointed out I did it every day so I shouldn't feel guilty - obvious when it's pointed out but in my postnatal state I hadn't thought that. Dh gets really annoyed with my df's dhs for being so crap.

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 07/10/2015 17:35

My brother and his wife work full time. He does absolutely nothing with his kids. She does everything as he thinks 'it's her job'!

He plays golf all weekend, and will not miss it. If she wants to go out she has to get a sitter or he will insist the kids are in bed.

If they're not in bed he will let them play on their iPads until she gets in at midnight, and then has to put them to bed.

No housework, shopping, cleaning etc. She's a high earner so pays all bills and his money is his!

I'm embarrassed at his behaviour but she puts up with it so I butt out.

My mum doesn't help with her view 'a man should be a man'. She actually thinks he brings home the bacon and she should 'play house'. My mum also thinks my marriage broke down as I expected my ex to do too much ??

Makes me glad I'm single

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/10/2015 17:45

Ilovewelshrarebit Shock

Your brother will no doubt have a nasty wake up call one day...I bloody hope so! There is no way I could bring my son up to behave like that, ever. What a joke!

HelenaDove · 07/10/2015 17:46

He sounds abusive.

Littlecaf · 07/10/2015 17:59

A friend was moaning about this the other day - they have a 6mo DS. She went on a hen do overnight and he went to his parents (with the DS). When she returned she asked how it had gone, he said that he'd been out most of the weekend and his parents had looked after their grandson. She was angry as he's never done bedtime, breakfast, lunch, dinner, has never got up in the night, only done his bottle a couple of times. She thought maybe it was a chance for him to step up, but instead he'd side stepped.

pineappleshortbread · 07/10/2015 18:09

Ive got one of the few decent dh. Mines the SAHP and i work full time as i earn more. He also helps his brother out with childcare two days a week so they can work.

He then does the housework and cooks most of the meals as i cant cook lol.

Im not lucky I just have a great bloke.

Littlecaf · 07/10/2015 18:10

When some of these parents are older they may well find that their adult children can't really be bothered, because there just isn't enough of a relationship to draw on.

This is what happened to DPs DF. He spent all his time & money in the pub, never did anything with them, didn't look after them, never did the school run, homework, cooking, didn't go to school open evenings, didn't take them to the park, refused to change nappies or give a bottle, never went on holiday, didn't help them learn to drive, didn't teach them to ride a bike, didn't play footie/Lego/transformers/whatever, (was unemployed most of his life so not a high earning super busy breadwinner type) and funnily enough as adults, DP and both brothers decided not to remain in contact with him. Very very sad.

ladyvimes · 07/10/2015 18:15

I think a large part of the problem is that women put up with it rather than just saying 'I'm going out, see you later'. Also I think women often don't trust their partners! I have friends who complain their husbands don't give them a break and I have suggested they just up and leave early one saturday morning to go shopping/to the gym/whatever, but get 'Oh no my husband wouldn't be able to look after the kids'. Er, why not? What is the worst-case scenario? The kids would be fine!

My husband doesn't necessarily do things the way I would but he is perfectly capable of dressing, feeding and putting the kids to bed! So what if they are dressed in random clothes, are fed chips from the chippy and go to bed late? It doesn't matter if it means I get a break!

ladyvimes · 07/10/2015 18:18

Although reading the full thread (oops) it appears there are men who cannot even feed their children! The mind boggles!

Andrewofgg · 07/10/2015 18:43

What's sad from the standpoint of the man who does take his share (or did, DS is 30!) is that these men don't know what they are missing!

slightlyconfused85 · 07/10/2015 18:46

Yanbu but I would not put up with this kind of bullshit.

Notthisyear · 07/10/2015 19:01

I wish there was a way to provoke change, stop being a doormat etc, without having to get divorced from the children's father.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 07/10/2015 19:05

The first should step up and stop the childminder unless he has an interview.

The second, if he works all week and she doesn't, then it's not completely unreasonable to him to have a hobby. Surely it doesn't take up all 48 hours of the weekend. If she works full time as well, then he needs to cut it down to just one day.

NewLife4Me · 07/10/2015 19:09

I couldn't cope with a man like that neither OP, but each to their own I guess.
They must be doing something right unless their oh are complaining in which case more fool them for putting up with it.