Dd still cross with me about a level results night...

[Hannahspannaaah]

After dd1 received her as level results a month ago (she did really well so was very happy for her/relieved) she planned to have a night out with her friends. They were going to go to a party or somesuch in someone's field and then sleepover in a tent. Fine.

She was cheeky to me that day though end her sister (who also received results that day) was in a pickle as she'd had a friendship fallout and no evening plans. I saw red and "forbade" her to go out (!!) not proud of that, and suggested a family night in.

It has now transpired that dd is still a bit resentful about that! Do you think I was unreasonable?? I can see that maybe I was but feel like it's a bit late to make it up to her. I feel bad

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

Hully has just posted what I would have done.

It's not too late and you did get it wrong. It's also not the best way of fostering a close sibling relationship to treat them in the way you have done.

I can absolutely understand how you feel sad for dd2 but what you did hasn't helped either of them. You need a separate strategy to support each of them dependent on their own, individual needs.

[Lancelottie]

You're meant to have had a celebration for AS results??

Nobody tell DS2. He'll hate me for ever.

[RiverTam]

I'm am old gimmer so don't really understand AS levels, but do people really have a big celebration even though they've still got another year of school and A levels to do? And presumably big celebrations for that? Seems a bit overkill to me.

[GloriousGoosebumps]

Well Lancelottie, there's no law that says you absolutely have to celebrate your AS results but if you want to, why shouldn't you?

[BitOutOfPractice]

I'd say getting 4 As in your ASs is cause for celebration!

Hope you're OK OP. You've had a bit of a pasting here. Probably quite rightly but a pasting nonetheless and they are sometimes tough to take

I'm guessing it's given youlots to think about and I hope you can rebuild some bridges with your DD

[GirlsTimesThree]

Blimey! Whatever I say on results day is wrong, even when I say nothing!

Yes, you should apologise, but to think it'll fester forever is ridiculous. I feel sorry for those who have let things their parents said in the heat of the moment (not lifelong abuse) affect them long term.
My parents said some things to me when I was younger, some were very hurtful, but I can see now that they didn't mean it, it was a snap reaction to my teenage behaviour. We can't always edit what we do before we've done it!
I adore my parents and my sister (who I often had to reluctantly drag around with me as a teenager) and we get on really well. They are my greatest support and I know that, for as long as they can be, they'll be there for me and I for them.
We can choose to let something someone says affect us forever, or we can take it for the mistake (in your case) it was and move on. If your relationship with your daughter is otherwise strong Im sure she'll accept you apology and go on to have a great time celebrating her A2 results next summer.

[ovenchips]

I'd do what above posters have said. I'd also ask her how exactly she would like her A level celebrations to go next year. I'd do the same with her twin. Not suggest anything but give them each a chance to choose for themselves exactly how they would like it to be. And then do your best to enable that for both DDs in their individual scenarios.

I would occasionally refer to the crappy AS results night to both your DDs and how you understand now that it really bothered them. I would also make contingency plans with each in case their ideal plan doesn't bear out (friends bail, results are poorer than expected) so that if anything goes pear-shaped on the day, you already have a plan and don't have to have a possibly poor, kneejerk reaction.

They are so close to being adults so I think if you could adapt to a more grown up relationship with them from now, you would be doing something good and ensuring a decent relationship with them as your adult children. Onwards and upwards!

[Fannyupcrutch]

Oh My GOD op, I am sat here cringing for you. Your adult daughter got FOUR As in her A levels and you grounded her to suit your other daughters needs over an event so insignificant, so tit for tat, that you can't even REMEMBER IT!?

I am not surprised her friends are horrified. I imagine that they have the freedom that comes with being an adult and are treated as such by their parents. What a reward to get......" yeah, you got 4 As, BTW, you are staying in tonight to keep your sister company for an imaginary slight".

You need to ry and repair this OP. See if her friends are going away for a holiday or anything and just pay for her to go. Or buy her a car or moped. I am suprised she hasn't high tailed it out of there, i wouldnt be treated like that for anybody!

[Lancelottie]

I'm not sure I'd have forbidden DS to go, but I can sure see myself being too grumpy to put myself out and drive the ungrateful brat somewhere if he'd just cheeked me. And given I wouldn't see an AS celebration as any big deal, I also wouldn't see the withdrawal of the lift as a big deal, if that makes sense.

[ImperialBlether]

I can't imagine the night in was much fun, was it? DD1 would have been furious and resentful and DD2 would have known that she was going to get blamed. Am I the only one who wants children who are in a foul mood to go out rather than stay in with me?

[Lancelottie]

One of my two got 4As at AS. I think we had a cake.

I'll start saving now for the therapy bills.

[PurpleHairAndPearls]

"Buy her a car"

Fucking hell

[Lancelottie]

I'm assuming 'buy her a car' is meant as a joke! Grumpy kids who can't be nice enough to the only driver don't get bought cars round here.

[Lancelottie]

Imperial, I'm pretty sure we've had the exact conversation that goes
'I'm going anyway and you aren't in charge of my life!'
...pause...
...door reopens...
'Don't suppose you could maybe give me a lift to Chris's house so my guitar doesn't get wet?'

[wigglesrock]

I think the OP went on to say in a later post that her daughter had arranged an alternative lift with another mum, but she wouldn't budge as it would seem she was going back on her word.

[WhyDontYouProveIt]

I have siblings who are twins. I can't imagine one of them leaving the other out of a celebration. I think your dd1 lacked some basic kindness. I wouldn't have felt happy rewarding that behaviour with lifts to parties. She is focussing on the fact that she missed a party but has forgotten about the behaviour which led to that.

Obviously only you can say if the behaviour was bad enough to deserve the punishment.

I don't understand the thinking which says 18 is an adult and they can do as they please/go out regardless of what parents say. You are not an adult when you are still at school and financially dependant on parental support. And if you are old enough to make your own choices, then you are old enough to be kind to your sibling.

[InternalMonologue]

Give her a party?? She's not 5. Admit it was a bit harsh, but otherwise it's done now and she needs to get over it.

[ImperialBlether]

There's a book with a title like that, Lance! It's "Get Out of My Life: But First Take Me and Alex Into Town."

OP, what did your DD2 get for her results? Did she suffer there, too?

[comingintomyown]

I'm just impressed that you have sufficient sway to forbid going out I wouldn't have bothered trying that with either of my two from age about 15 onwards !

[lostInTheWash]

Next year is A-levels so you do have a chance to make up to her.

Could you not sit her down and talk it through with her ? On a more adult level.

Say yes you got it wrong but you were wound up it's stressful time for parents as well - concern and anxiety about results and being powerless to do anything about the results or fix things.

Your still adjusting to her not being a child whose tantrums need dealing with but with that comes her acting like an adult not being cheeky to you.


Also explain that you don't mean to make DD2 issues her problems but it's hard for you to watch either of them struggle or be unhappy your driven to want to fix things for them.

Perhaps ask for DD1 input how to avoid a similar situation next year - is a joint party possible - or does she think having a plan for DD2 and you would work - how does she think you should handle very different results - I mean she could miss grades for Uni places herself next year.

Then I would also consult DD2 on A-level celebration plans separately and together with DD1 and be a bit more proactive to head of the actual A-Level results to avoid similar problems next year.

I don't know your DD1 - it's possible is she nursing a huge grudge possible being encouraged by her friends - but could it be possible there is something she wants to do for A-levels and guilting you is technique she applying or most like I think she wants reassurance you won't do this for her actual A-level results so she'll miss out again.

[Paintedhandprints]

Wow, your daughters are whipped. I was out and about on my own to pubs and such since I was 15. My parents wouldn't have even known where I was to be honest. Mum worked a night shift and I think dad was relieved I was out of the house. I doubt your daughter will tell you what future plans she has from now on since she might have them taken off her.

[WhyDontYouProveIt]

I can't believe there are people whose kids cant be told how to behave/whether they can go out or not, when they are still teens, living a home and being supported by said parents.

I am not having a go but why do you let them get away with that? They are still kids and your responsibility.

Mine are teens and prone to the usual moodiness/strops but hell would freeze over before I said no to going out and they did it anyway.

[Sansoora]

I can't believe there are people whose kids cant be told how to behave/whether they can go out or not, when they are still teens, living a home and being supported by said parents.

I know. Im quite shocked by it.

[Janeymoo50]

Sounds like you were sort of thinking more of her sister (would you have forbid her if sisters plans had not fallen through?).

However, maybe you two could have some sort of treat to "make up"...a show, an afternoon tea, a pampering day at a spa. One of the nicest things would be to really sincerely apologise to her (if you think it is appropriate) - adult to adult, I think she'll remember that as she matures.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

Certainly unreasonable. From the point of view of someone who had a sister very close in age - she was an extrovert who could (can) makes friends with everyone she meets, I'm was a typical introvert teen who wouldn't say boo to a ghost. I won't lie, I was quite jealous of how many friends she had, always out and about. However, I would never want to go with her or get a 'pity invite'. I had my own friends and interests, more to the point I had to learn by that age to be independent, I was not my sister. We both would have been so embarrassed if you had done that, as our mother. As others have said, you can't treat them like children anymore.

I think saying that this is the 'worst thing' you could have done is a bit much, but she will probably remember this over the years - some things just stick with us. Doesn't mean she will always resent you for it. I think suggesting buying a car is far, far too much. If you can spare it, I suggest apologising and give her some money for her next night out.