Dd still cross with me about a level results night...

[Hannahspannaaah]

After dd1 received her as level results a month ago (she did really well so was very happy for her/relieved) she planned to have a night out with her friends. They were going to go to a party or somesuch in someone's field and then sleepover in a tent. Fine.

She was cheeky to me that day though end her sister (who also received results that day) was in a pickle as she'd had a friendship fallout and no evening plans. I saw red and "forbade" her to go out (!!) not proud of that, and suggested a family night in.

It has now transpired that dd is still a bit resentful about that! Do you think I was unreasonable?? I can see that maybe I was but feel like it's a bit late to make it up to her. I feel bad

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Think it's less bad that it was A/S level (so not finding out about Uni places and future plans) Also think it's pretty relevant that they are twins
However she's growing up and your girls are separate people - sounds like you realise it was a mistake and won't do it again next year
All you can do is apologise and move on
We do have to keep on encouraging our DC to be nice to each other but on this occasion she got quite a big consequence for not being more thoughtful about her sister?
Also can see why you were drawn to having a family celebration but friends are important too and it's best if plans are negotiated in advance and stuck to?!

[PurpleHairAndPearls]

I know it's AIBU but really - is there any need for some of these posts?

Op has already admitted she was unreasonable, what purpose does it serve for people to keep piling on and posting "you'll never see your GC" "she will resent you forever" etc etc. It's just so unnecessary and nasty. At least offer some constructive advice not useless criticism for the sake of it. I'm pretty sure every single parent has fucked up at some stage, and this is a teenager not being allowed to go to a party. It's like AIBU makes people lose perspective or gives them a chance to just be dicks to other posters. Christ on a bike.

op, can you offer to throw her a party for A level results?

[ssd]

God my heart goes out to you op! I have 2 teens as well and its so bloody hard to get it right all the time. My 2 dont get on particularly well either and I wish the eldest one was a bit more sympathetic to the younger one, instead of dismissing him all the time, or so it seems to me. And they arent even twins, that must make it harder.

Yes you made a mistake, but you did it with the best intentions. Try to move on, have a talk to your dd and say you were sorry, you were wrong and have a hug. Shes a big girl and so are you and it wont help being at odds all the time. I always try to reason with ds but sometimes, god its not easy!!

for you, you care about your kids and are doing your best, dont crucify yourself cos you got it wrong this time.

[Badders123]

I was the sibling that was forced to take my younger sibling everywhere with me.
It irreparably damaged our relationship.
Not sure what you can do other than say you know you were wrong and apologise.

[ssd]

"Most 17 year olds don't think about the link between supporting themselves and rules from their parents. It's that awkward age where they are old enough to legally do lots of stuff but still almost always reliant on their parents."

brilliant way of summing up my 17 yr old. I'm finding this age very hard and hes a good boy as well....

[onecurrantbun1]

OP has acknowledged she was U so I'm not going to reinforce that point, but you do need to talk to DD2 and say you were out of order, apologise and come up with something which will make it up somewhat - perhaps asmall party or pizza night during the forthcoming half term? You do need to own your mistakes or it will lead to resentment.

[scarlets]

Great exam results!

Don't fret over what happened. Apologise, acknowledge you were silly, explain again why you did it, and don't do it again. Make sure you give her plenty of beer money on actual A Level results night!

[m0therofdragons]

I have twins and that's hard but surely one with friends goes out and you have special one on one time with other. I doubt she'll get over it easily and now resents her sister. Not sure how you can make it up though it's one of those special nights you can't get back.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Yes, agree with you there PurpleHair - hope mine wasn't harsh?
It was just a judgement call on what was best for everyone and maybe OP recognises she'd call it differently in retrospect?
What parent hasn't been in that position?

[ssd]

Hi badders! I think its hard to know what to do when you have 2 close in age, esp 2 of the same gender. I always choose not to send ds1 out with ds2 as I didnt feel it was fair on the eldest. Now they arent very close and I feel its my fault for not making them play together more when they were young. I see (mainly girl sisters) being forced out together all the time and they seem close as teenagers too. Maybe its just down to personality? I dont know...its so hard to get it right with your kids and when it goes a bit wrong you automatically blame yourself, though when it goes great you never take any credit, ds did great in his highers (A levels here) and when people say to me where did he get his brains I'm always like I dont know!! Crazy!!

[itmustbeglove]

The other thing is that results day is stressful for the parents as well as the students.
The Op was probably anxious about 2 sets of results and how to help deal with the fallout.
Few of us get it right all the time and this occasion was one of them. You'll laugh about it in years to come and DD will will milk it for ages.

[shovetheholly]

I think you made a mistake. This was one time where your DD should have been able to celebrate her achievements, regardless of anything going on with her sister or the rest of the family. It's so important to give young people the chance to be young.

However, I think you can apologise and make it up to her. Acknowledge that you were in error, and if you can afford it, give her some money to go to a restaurant with a friend or something (doesn't have to be super-expensive).

[HPsauciness]

Some of the posts on here are laughable- never see her again, her grandchildren again blah blah.

Sometimes as parents we make a judgement call, and in hindsight, it seems too soft or too harsh. This was a little harsh, but it was in response to bad behaviour and it wasn't her A levels.

Your dd obviously feels she can speak with you about it, is hardly cowed and plotting her revenge. She's told you it was out of order, and being a nice mum, you are now reconsidering what you did.

If you basically have a good relationship, this will not matter at all. If you have a very poor relationship, things like this loom larger.

God help most people if their children come to expect note perfect parenting all the time. Everyone stuffs up from time to time, it's important children understand this, because they will also stuff up from time to time.

Nothing terrible was done here and if this is the worst parenting moment you have, you've done pretty well, and congrats to your dd for excellent AS results, must be the result of that great home environment you provide:)

[Abraid2]

My 17-year-old knows that if she is rude to me I may withdraw my taxiing services to and from parties and into town, which are often 40 minutes to an hour away from us. That is reasonable. Depends what you mean by rude, though! When she drives herself, she can get herself to places, but while it is me driving to retrieve her at 11.30pm from a remote spot, she must treat me with respect.

[GloriousGoosebumps]

Or, HPsauciness, the excellent AS results could have been the result of the incredible amount of hard work DD1 put into her exam preparation, equally, the punishment was less to do with bad behaviour and rather more to do with the OP not wanting DD2 to be left at home while DD1 was with her friends.

[Buttercup27]

At least you can make it up to her by planning a huge party for her a level results.

[3phase]

I'd hate you for quite a long time if I was your DD. Kind of not surprised she got 4 A's though....you must be doing something right.

[Dumdedumdedum]

Did DD2 get the same AS results as DD1? I'm not sure if it's relevant, I'm afraid I'm just being nosey.
Parenting teenagers is so difficult, I know I've made some huge mistakes myself and I find telling my child the truth, that I know I've done something wrong and am extremely sorry for it, even months later, seems to have worked as I am genuine.

[Amammi]

op I do think you were a bit ott but context is everything you were a bit anxious 2 kids getting results wld test the toughest of us. Your twins

[Georgethesecond]

Ooh some harsh posts here.

I think it was probably the wrong call, but it sounds like a difficult situation and no one gets it right all the time. Clearly you have got a lot right, with her getting results like that!

I would apologise now. But I wouldn't go over the top "making it up to her".
She should have a good night out after her A level results though!

Did the other twin get less good results? Time to start separating them in your mind a bit more,maybe.

[Amammi]

Sorry posted too soon!!
Your twins are both equally in your heart and the mum will always give most to the weakest chick. Naturally you were annoyed when dd1 didn't want to include dd2. You were not right to try any social engineering - best to let them sort the pal stuff put between them. However dd1 has a share in the blame - she didn't support her sister and then was snappy with you even though she needed a lift from you. I cld not imagine leaving one sad kid at home watching you drive the other one to the party . We are all only human. dd1 should probably think a bit more on that behaviour rather than the missed party. I would admit to her you over reacted but explain why you did and ask her how she wld have felt in dd2s shoes. If you do allow a treat now to make up it should be something for both twins to enjoy.

[Hullygully]

I think the most important thing now is to talk to her. Apologise and explain that you were irrational and unfair because you were so worried about her sister, but you see that you shouldn't have conflated the two things. This will do three things, one, give her some understanding of the true reason you did what you did and make her feel better about it, two, show that you are treating her more as an adult who deserves truth, however painful it is for you to own up and three, teach her the importance of self-reflection, honesty, owning one's mistakes and apologising when necessary. She will respect you for it.

[TelephonicsSuper]

She'll probably be miffed at that one the rest of her days but will get over it, and maybe understand a little when she's a parent. My dad did something similar to me 20 odd years ago and I still think he was a bit of an arse for doing it! It's
difficult to accept parents misusing their authority when you're so close to total freedom in a year or 2!

[Defenderwife]

Did dd2 do as well in her exams? Were you maybe trying to negate how much of a big deal it was that dd1 did so well?

If you were my mum I would find it hard to forgive this. She has obviously worked very hard and wanted to celebrate. You've pretty much shown her no matter how well she does and how much effort she puts in that you don't find it that important as you put more emphasis on a punishment for being a bit cheeky.

[Topaz25]

Ok, I think you realise by now YWBU. You can't change the past so look at what you can learn for the future. Your daughters are adults (or near as) and individuals. Ease off on forbidding things and realise you can't treat them exactly the same just because they are twins. If you expect them to be invited to events together and take something away from one because the other doesn't have it then they are only going to resent you and each other.