Dd still cross with me about a level results night...

[Hannahspannaaah]

After dd1 received her as level results a month ago (she did really well so was very happy for her/relieved) she planned to have a night out with her friends. They were going to go to a party or somesuch in someone's field and then sleepover in a tent. Fine.

She was cheeky to me that day though end her sister (who also received results that day) was in a pickle as she'd had a friendship fallout and no evening plans. I saw red and "forbade" her to go out (!!) not proud of that, and suggested a family night in.

It has now transpired that dd is still a bit resentful about that! Do you think I was unreasonable?? I can see that maybe I was but feel like it's a bit late to make it up to her. I feel bad

[Topseyt]

I can't believe this one is still rumbling on.

An error of judgment by the OP, yes. She acknowledged that days ago now so no need to keep piling in with it.

Crime of the century? Nope.

[madein1995]

I can't believe she listened to you - I certainly wouldn't have at that age. That said, I do think she needs to get over it. It was over a month ago so best thing is just to move on. Perhaps you could apologize but she should leave it at that. frankly I'm astonished she's brought it up again - what happened to leaving the past in the past? With all due respect OP she's closer to an adult than she is a teenager and as such needs to learn not to bring up things that happened a while ago and are not relevant. I'd be having words about her bringing it back up with you - how can she still be pissed off this long afterwards. For goodness sake grow up woman (your daughter, not you)

[BumpTheElephant]

Yes, you fucked up but there's nothing you can do about it now.
In 15yrs time your dd will be posting about it on those "Things your parents did that still piss you off" threads

Nobody's perfect op and really it's not that bad. All you can do is apologise and try not to "forbid" your dd from future plans with friends.

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

Also totally agree with that quote.

It takes strength to back down and admit when you are wrong. Children and young adults have a very strong sense of fairness and if you haven't been fair they will resent it for YEARS.

It's not about giving in or letting them walk all over you, it's just about doing the right thing.

[Nonnainglese]

That's a sure fire way of ensuring the two go their separate ways sooner rather than later!

My TS's hate each other's guts, started long ago when my mother carried on insisting they had to do everything together ('because you're twins') long after early childhood.

I don't think you're in the slightest bit sorry and I suspect your dad will hold it against you for years. What on earth must her friends think of you? Controlling mother or what?

[Senpai]

I completely disagree with seeing through unreasonable consequences that both you and the child know to be unjust on the grounds of 'keeping your word' WHATEVER the age. It's a mistake to do this with young children as well, but a disaster with teens. Nothing makes them lose respect for your authority more quickly

This.

My mother threatened an extreme punishment of throwing away all my toys if I didn't clean my room. I didn't, she did to "keep her word". The only thing it accomplished was making me feel resentful and we had a shit relationship during my teen and early adult years because she was stubborn, refused to compromise, and went to extreme measures to be controlling. my place still isn't clean even as an adult

It wasn't until she let go and let me live my own life that we finally started getting along. I get a little bristly when she gives me suggestions about raising DD because my knee jerk reaction is to brace myself for another power struggle, but she doesn't pick up the rope to play. Sometimes she's right and I listen, sometimes I don't. Anyway the important thing is if you want your daughter to willingly spend time with her sister or with family, you first have to actually give her the option to choose.

[sashh]

But actually, no one fails their A levels on purpose, to make a point. Certainly not someone who was willing to put in all the work needed to get 4 A's in the first place

I must ring the VI form I went to - they must have given me the wrong certificates.

As I said in my post, a long string of things

[mathanxiety]

Crazy:
The plans were probably not vague. The OP gives the impression that she didn't really care about them. I suspect from the OP's description that she didn't care about the plans, and had no respect for them: ''They were going to go to a party or somesuch in someone's field and then sleepover in a tent. Fine.' I don't know if 'respect' is the right word. Maybe 'dismissive' or 'inclined to minimise the occasion' would be closer to what I am trying to express, wrt both the results and the party plans.

Also, she wasn't cheeky throughout the day. They had one argument and that was when the cheekiness appeared. I don't know how a mother ends up engaging with her daughter in an argument on a day when the daughter got such good results. I really doubt a happy teen started the argument. Imo it is more likely that the OP was being a bit of a wet blanket or the teen felt herself unsupported in some way in her celebratory mood.

[SquareFrances]

Jesus people chill!

OP has said she was unreasonable. Parenting is hard. We all fuck up. It was AS results not A level results.

I am sure DD1 is fine and if this is the only mistake she can resent mother her for then she's been a brilliant mother. I hate seeing one of my children being unkind to another.. It doesn't mean I have a favourite.

A Level Results day is a completely different matter but OP has never suggested she would act the same on that day - in fact the opposite.

[popcornpaws]

YWBU, teenagers have moods, and we deal with them in a different way that we would have treated a 3year old.
Not wanting to go back on your word is imo a shit way to do things.
In the grand scale of things a teenager being cheeky really is no big deal and i think you "punished" her for the sake of your other dd.

[TheTigerIsOut]

I think this is terrrible. I understand why your DD is upset but the ramifications of this are huge. Because with your actions you told her that:

• Her plans are not important even if she got amazing results.
  
• you favour her sister, making her feel better was more important than upsetting the other big time.
  
• you made her stay at home to keep company to Billy no mates. Do you think this is going to help them be more considerate to each other? Absolutely not, this is a fantastic way to sour whatever relationship they have.
  
• what? A family night in? What's special on that???? Even my primary school boy would find that boring if compared with any activity with his friends. (I must add that we have many wonderful night ins, but "do something with friends" always trumps "family night in").
  

IMO, you need to start letting go, and understand that despite being twins, they soon will be adults with their own lives, that they may rightfully elect not to share with each other or you.

[greenfolder]

You were being terribly unreasonable and also had an unreasonably compliant child.

You can't undo it. At all so really don't try. Tell dd that along with the benefits of being eldest she also gets the downside which is you making the wrong call. Reassure her that you will not be so nuts again and her results were worthy of celebration in whatever way she wanted.

[PeopleLieActionsDont]

Sashh, that's a bloody ridiculous thing to say. If the girl really was that immature, then the OP would have been right to treat her as an 8 year old in the first place!

But actually, no one fails their A levels on purpose, to make a point. Certainly not someone who was willing to put in all the work needed to get 4 A's in the first place!

[sashh]

Are people here really holding grudges now about what happened when they were teenagers? Nursing the injustices of the times they weren't allowed to go and get drunk under a bush with their mates?

Yes, but in my case because it was one of a long string of things that have impacted on the rest of my life.

OP

You need to do something and really make it up to her because, well why the hell should she try to get good grades at A2? She might as well fail spectacularly just to see if you stop her sister going out to comfort her.

[MsJamieFraser]

No it's not "twins eh" they are their own people, it used to boil my piss when it was expected we do everything together, even force each other friendships on to each other, to the point I lost good friendships because our mother thought because we were twins we should be treated the same in all circumstances!

Yabu and you need to stop thinking that because one has an invited/invite, that they HAVE to invite the other! Real life does not work like that,

[CrazyBoo]

So, according to you, your DD:

• had vague plans for a camping thingy that night
  
• was rude to you all throughout the day.
  

I wouldn't apologise, otherwise she'll think that being cheeky gets results. However next time, think a bit carefully before you act. Pick your battles. I might have let her go - considering this was her AS levels night - and spoken to her about her behaviour the next day. It doesn't matter how old she is. Rudeness towards others should never be tolerated.

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

oops sorry didn't realise this was 4 pages long, i thought i was at the beginning

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

You were completely out of order and I'm not surprised she's still resentful.

I suspect her apparent cheekiness was nothing to do with it really and you just wanted to force her to keep your other DD company so she didn't feel bad.

You have treated her like she was 8, not 18.

[mathanxiety]

*and you certainly can't invite extra people to sleep in a tent.

[mathanxiety]

I can't imagine the night in was much fun, was it? DD1 would have been furious and resentful and DD2 would have known that she was going to get blamed. Am I the only one who wants children who are in a foul mood to go out rather than stay in with me?

No, you are not, IB.

To those tho think the DD was being mean to her sister -- it wasn't her party to be issuing extra invitations to. Plus you can't invite someone extra with you to horn in on a well established or close knit group (this according to the OP) even if it is your sister.

OP, unless she herself wants it, I would not plan a party for her A levels. She seems to have a group of close friends whose plans are not family/home based, at least not at the moment. Don't take that from her or try to change it.

This sentence interests me:
'They were going to go to a party or somesuch in someone's field and then sleepover in a tent. Fine'

My attention was caught by the word 'somesuch' and the word 'someone's'. You sound as if you were not at all interested in your DD's celebration plans, veering on disparagement. If this is the case, could your Dd have sensed that somehow?

[HolgerDanske]

I agree no need to go OTT with it, but I do think mistakes like this can be a good way to examine one's general dealings and see if any patterns emerge. As a one-off it's not the end of the world but if it's the way things normally go then it could really cause issues. And I'd actually argue that the fact they're twins means they need their own separate identities even more and it's even more important not to constantly expect one to make allowances for the other and pressure them into taking on responsibility for the other's happiness. Yes it's lovely to do things together sometimes but they still need to be allowed to be separate people.

Anyway I'm sure OP has already decided what's right to do in this instance.

[2rebecca]

Agree you treated her like a much younger girl and seem to have confused the 2 separate issues of her sister falling out with her friends and your other daughter wanting to celebrate.
A 17 year old shouldn't have to have siblings tag along if they don't want to, even if they're twins.
I don't see how keeping the twin with friends at home helped the one without friends. She shouldn't feel happier just because her sister wasn't having fun either, that's quite nasty.
However it's too late now. I'd just apologise and say you made a mistake. As parenting mistakes go it's a fairly minor one.
Don't make the (currently) popular twin feel responsible for her sister's happiness and social life though. That won't help either of them.

[Topseyt]

I would hope that the buy her a car, moped or pay for a holiday post was in jest, but it sort of appears serious.

What utterly ott bollocks. You need do nothing more than apologise, acknowledge the error, promise it won't happen again and facilitate a simple treat of her choosing in order to put it behind you.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

I can see how you got caught up in the moment what with DD2 being upset; both of them having just received their results; DD1 being rude, etc,etc. It's not ideal but it happens.

I think you could make it up to her by letting her have some friends round; arranging tickets for an event she wants to go to; or whatever works for teenagers who celebrate their AS results we didn't celebrate our results in a big group as teens so I have no idea what would suffice Of course it won't make up for the fact that she missed the party in the field but it will show willing and it would be a nice gesture.