Dd still cross with me about a level results night...

[Hannahspannaaah]

After dd1 received her as level results a month ago (she did really well so was very happy for her/relieved) she planned to have a night out with her friends. They were going to go to a party or somesuch in someone's field and then sleepover in a tent. Fine.

She was cheeky to me that day though end her sister (who also received results that day) was in a pickle as she'd had a friendship fallout and no evening plans. I saw red and "forbade" her to go out (!!) not proud of that, and suggested a family night in.

It has now transpired that dd is still a bit resentful about that! Do you think I was unreasonable?? I can see that maybe I was but feel like it's a bit late to make it up to her. I feel bad

[Senpai]

Yeah, you fucked it up pretty big, especially if going out was based on her results and not her behavior.

Go apologize and ask her how she wants you to make it up.

DD2 frankly isn't DD1's problem. It's not up to her to make sure her sister is adjusting and making friends, and it's very unfair of your to put her in the role of "mommy" to nurture and take care of her emotionally like that.

You're not only building resentment to you for this, but you're going to make her build resentment for DD2. Which I assume is the opposite of what you want.

Parents screw it up, but you're the adult in this and it's up to YOU to make this right.

[lubeybooby]

Yes you were wrong here. You must make it up to her.

[Spartans]

Wow! Your dds have different friendship groups and because dd2 friends let her down you tried to force dd1 into taking her out and when she wouldn't you banned her from going, because you felt sorry for dd2?

Even though dd2 was saying she didn't want to go. I know dd2 had previously said she did, but faced with it being quite obvious that dd1 felt uncomfortable by it, she probably changed her mind and felt awkward.

Why punish dd1 because dd2 is having friendship problems. It really does sound like you favour dd2. You took away a big event from one dd because you felt sad for the other. Then tried to pass it off as you wanted a family night. No wonder dd1 is still pissed.

This is one of those situations that will cause resentment for years between you and both girls.

[GloriousGoosebumps]

There was a thread on Mumset a little while ago which asked whether parents had a favourite child. The posters who posted as parents said quite firmly that they didn't have favourites and insisted that when they treated their children differently it was because the children had different needs and not because the parent was playing favourites. However, where posters posted about their experience as the child within a family, the response was totally different and they spoke of parents having a "golden child" and how much their parents would do for the golden child while being far less concerned about the second child. It made for sober reading. You manufactured a reason to deny DD1 her fun night out simply because DD2 wasn't going out and you wanted to spare DD2 the pain of being left at home. It's so sad that you had no problem in denying DD1 her night out.

It's interesting that there's a vague acknowledgement that you were unfair but even now you've not actually done anything to put it right.

[HolgerDanske]

It was very unfair.

It's also unfair to demand that all siblings be included in everything all the time. That is not how life works. That was her milestone to be celebrated and it was taken away from her for no good reason.

I'd be angry too, and probably for a very long time.

Sadly there's not much that can actually be done about it now, besides apologising and actually meaning it, since that milestone will never come around again.

Do try to make sure you don't engineer arguments and manipulate situations next year when she gets her A level results...

[MischiefInTheWind]

You were very wrong, and she won't forget it. Fortunately the outrage and comfort of her friends will help her feel vindicated in her anger.
Are the twins planning on going to the same university?

[itmustbeglove]

Blimey, I think you're being hard on yourself.
You were BU but it's a month ago, you've acknowledged it and it's time to move on.
With results like that there'll be plenty of celebrating in the years to come.
DD could have a big party when A2 results come out, you owe her

[LineyReborn]

It was much more than a month ago. We are now well into October. AS results came out on the 13th August.

[CinderellaRockefeller]

Are people here really holding grudges now about what happened when they were teenagers? Nursing the injustices of the times they weren't allowed to go and get drunk under a bush with their mates?

Because this whole "you fucked up. You fucked up BAD" rhetoric seems a bit out of proportion. Say sorry, say you realise you overreacted then the lot of you get over it.

And of course her mates think you were unreasonable. I thought my mates mums were evil witches for not letting their daughters go to rock city and get smashed on 20/20. Didn't make me right!

[Flutterbutterfly]

You were very wrong, it was her hard work that got results. You stole a massive memory / experience from her.

She will always resent it. You can't make it better only apologise and learn.

[Spartans]

Are people here really holding grudges now about what happened when they were teenagers? Nursing the injustices of the times they weren't allowed to go and get drunk under a bush with their mates?

People have always held on to injustices (real and perceived) from childhood.

It's not a case of justs missing a night out. It's the mother engineering the ds missing a significant night out because she put the other dds feeling first.

Yes resentment will set in, especially if this is common behaviour. The OP mentions that dd2 has never had a strong friendship group. I wouldnt be surprised if dd1 feels this happens a lot and oercieves dd2 as the 'golden child' .

Yes it can cause problems many years down the line.

[Dynomite]

YABU for making her stay in bc you felt bad for her sister. You say she's not always that nice to her sister. It's probably partly your fault. Making her responsible for her sister's friendships and penalising her for her sister's friendship fallouts is the best way to cause siblings to resent each other. And yes, this is the kind of thing she'll remember 20 years from now when you ask her why she doesn't spend more time with her sister. They're two almost adult individuals. Treat them as such.

[Witchend]

Having been in the position of being the sister expected to take the uninvited sister you were totally unreasonable to expect her just to take her too.
It would have been uncomfortable for both.

Dd2 would have been aware she was only there because they were friends with her sister. The outsider, the one who doesn't quite understand the in jokes, having to be grateful she was there, tolerated because of her sister.

Dd1 would be gently excluded because none of the others really want to be doing it with dd2, but they assume she does, and she does out of duty. And that's assuming the friends are nice about her coming.

I've also been the sister who is told how lucky she is to have friends, how allowances have to be made for the sibling who hasn't got the strong friendship group, how they have to take priority because it's so hard for them.
I worked darn hard at friendships. I'm not naturally sociable and to maintain those friendships I put myself out and supported them... And saw my sibling refuse to do similar, even when it wold have put them out very little.
I resented the idea I was just lucky. I put the effort in, they wouldn't. Yrs, it was great I found a crowd I got on with. But it wasn't just that.

[BrendaandEddie]

i think you were a bit of a twat.
Heightened emotions and all

[NerrSnerr]

You have to let your daughters live their own lives. It's not DD1's fault that her sister did not have plans and has friendship problems. They're not 4, you can't dictate who they are friends with and what they do. She isn't going to forget this in a hurry.

[Sansoora]

I think if you acknowledge you made a mistake and apologise for it then all will be well.

[Oysterbabe]

It's her own fault really for listening to you. If my mum had tried to ground me aged 18 I'd have laughed in her face.

[molyholy]

Yes. Definitely one she will remember for years to come. I think you already know you were unreasonable and you don't want her to end up resenting her sister. Just tell her you are sorry and try and make it up to her some way.

[Sansoora]

All these posters who would have laughed in their mums face and gone out anyway because they were 17 or so - were you fully supporting yourselves at that age or still reliant on mum and dad for to meet your needs?

[Spartans]

All these posters who would have laughed in their mums face and gone out anyway because they were 17 or so - were you fully supporting yourselves at that age or still reliant on mum and dad for to meet your needs?

Not all 17 years olds think so rationally I. The heat of the moment

[Fratelli]

Yes she'll remember it forever. It's sent a strong message that being cheeky has overridden all the hard work and effort she put in. It was something to really celebrate and you took ir away.

[NerrSnerr]

Most 17 year olds don't think about the link between supporting themselves and rules from their parents. It's that awkward age where they are old enough to legally do lots of stuff but still almost always reliant on their parents.

[Bakeoffcake]

You need to do a lot of grovelling in my opinion. I've got 2 DDs who went through sixth form, results night was always really special for them and their friends.

I agree with DoJo who said you need to ask her how you can make it up to her. And promise to never do anything like this again!

[Casimir]

Never apologise. You are the adult, they must do what you say. Until next year when she leaves. And you will never see her grandchildren.