Dd still cross with me about a level results night...

[Hannahspannaaah]

After dd1 received her as level results a month ago (she did really well so was very happy for her/relieved) she planned to have a night out with her friends. They were going to go to a party or somesuch in someone's field and then sleepover in a tent. Fine.

She was cheeky to me that day though end her sister (who also received results that day) was in a pickle as she'd had a friendship fallout and no evening plans. I saw red and "forbade" her to go out (!!) not proud of that, and suggested a family night in.

It has now transpired that dd is still a bit resentful about that! Do you think I was unreasonable?? I can see that maybe I was but feel like it's a bit late to make it up to her. I feel bad

[ENormaSnob]

You were completely out of order.

[Casmama]

Ah ok, I can understand now why you wanted a family thing - didn't realise DD2 had A level results too.
I do think DD1 probably knows that DD2 was a big part of the reason she didn't get to go and that is pretty unfair- not her fault that her sister fell out with her friends and so I think you did get it wrong and should apologise but I can totally understand why you did it.

[TheCraicDealer]

I think as it was her AS's and you were supposed to be giving her a lift your crime is lessened somewhat Just don't try and do the same thing for A-Levels!

I can 100% see where you're coming from with the friendship inequality and I'm a bit that she wouldn't bring her sister to a party with her. The same thing happened with me and my twin when we were slightly older and she was very supportive and brought me on nights out with friends from work etc. I didn't make any long lasting friendships but I had a good night and it really helped my confidence. But you can't make her help her sister out, as much as it must be hard to stand and watch. I truly don't know how I'd handle that.

[Mmmmcake123]

Think you know by now ywbu. Imo twins rarely do the same things as they grow up. Even when younger I think they are pressurised by society to have some mystical style link that means they should be equal in everything. They are individuals and should be able to celebrate as such individually. The fact dd1 did as you said shows she must feel a bit of an obligation. Not fair. As previous post said show you understand and give her something maybe a party to compensate.
BTW have to admit at AS wouldn't have been keen on my DD going to a sort of field type celebration.

[Hannahspannaaah]

Thecraic thanks

In dd1's defence she has been supportive to her sister but felt that it wasn't her place as such to invite her to party... She also gets a bit upset sometimes I think that she invites dd2 out to things but dd1 doesn't "return the favour" as it were. Twins eh!!!

[Andro]

You didn't 'suggest' a family night in, you removed your dd1's option to celebrate because your other DD wasn't going out...you punished one to support the other.

I'm not surprised she's resentful, and for her to bring it up now it must still be smarting. You DD is wanting you to acknowledge her feelings and admit you got it wrong (you did!).

[christinarossetti]

I've got a twin sister.

Firstly. YWBVVVVU to stop your dd going on this night out. Fortunately, you've got 'A" levels next year to more than make this up to her.

Which you'll have to do, as you'll need a counter-comment every time your dd brings this up for the rest of her life.

I completely understand that you want dd1 to have more empathy for dd2, but the absolute best way of driving a wedge between twins is to treat them as if they have some sort of responsibility for the welfare of their twin, and that decisions about their life need to take the needs of the other one into account.

They're two separate people, not one cut in half. Sometimes in life, things will go well for one and not the other. The one having a hard time needs your empathy, support and encouragement, not you trying to take away some the good things the other one has got to be 'fair'.

[Mmmmcake123]

Good luck, hope dd2 develops a better friendship group this year. Hopefully, she will find her own group. They will still have a bond without feeling they have to

[mathanxiety]

Ouch! Poor DD.

I think you need to accept the idea that she and her twin are not the same person and neither one owes the other their company or the obligation of creating a social life for the other. They are different individuals.

You also need to accept that you are getting past the point where you can teach her anything by grounding. Best to teach her to step back from the place in a discussion where cheek or disrespect or shouting might occur. Or develop a sense yourself of where things might end up, and learn not to engage. I don't mean turn your back and leave the room, slamming the door just acknowledge that you seem not to be able to find common ground and suggest calling it a day. You could always have changed the subject to the exciting topic of her party plans if this wasn't what the argument was about, why didn't you?

I am interested t know how the argument began -- on such a happy day for DD, were you inclined to nag or bring her down to earth a bit, or have her take out the bin, etc?

It is always mature and acceptable for a mother to go to her child and apologise for issuing a punishment in haste. There is no harm in doing that occasionally. You teach your child that you are big enough to admit a mistake. It's a good example to set.

If it was a case of a short exchange where she was cheeky, then I think a warning should have been given first. What did you really feel about the party plans? How do you feel about the DD who seems to be more outgoing, about her developing a life of her own independent of home? Do you deep down want her to be more of a homebody? Are you feeling anxious about the prospect of complete independence for one or both of the girls?

('Family occasions' are always dire after arguments, and especially if they are punishments for one of the family).

[LolLolLoLol]

Yeah, I think you messed up big time but everyone does from time to time. It's part of parenting

I'd apologise wholeheartedly and be truthful about why you did it. I think stopping her going out was a really harsh punishment. At 16/17 you really need to shift gears in how you treat them.

Have you spent a lot of energy trying to treat them as individuals but struggle if they end up not being treated fairly.

Btw AAAA at AS is brilliant. What a clever girl.

[Italiangreyhound]

It looks like you are getting lots of advice but just for the record I would never be afraid to go back on what you say in the heat of the moment, always apologise if you are in the wrong, and maybe try and get your dd1 to tell you what may work to sort things out between you and her.#

It is not as straight forward as at first seems and it does sound like you were really trying to get things right. Hope it works out.

[Topseyt]

As you admit yourself, you are stuck in the past and still in the mode of parenting little children.

Yours are virtually adults now. You can't continue like that or you risk them telling you to fuck off.

You can't dictate either that she takes her sister with her on a night out. They are separate entities who can and will do their own thing.

You could have done something nice with your other DD yourself (cinema, out for a meal etc.). You no longer get to dictate how they must celebrate something.

This was AS Levels. You accept that you cocked up big time here, so I am sure you won't repeat the mistake next year for A Level results. They will be 18 by then. It is a rite of passage and you would be given very short shrift indeed.

I agree you ought to admit te error to your DD and offer to facilitate something she really wants by way of recompense. Be prepared though for her to remain angry with you and perhaps cool towards any ideas for now.

[Floppy5885]

It depends. If she was kept at home due to poor behaviour it's fine and appropriate. If she was kept at home because her sister wasn't going out, you need to apologise big time and try and organise another camp out or a big sleepover this coming weekend

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Sorry but your poor daughter. Twin1 wasn't invited so twin2 was penalised?! Almost adults and still friendships being dictated by parents?! I honestly suggest you do whatever it takes to make it up to your daughter, what you did could really cause resentment for a long time to come.

[Mmmmcake123]

Dd2 may not be flying in the same way dd1 is but I think you can probably acknowledge by now that it isn't dd1's responsibility to support dd2. I wish you luck. Celebrate both your children and support them all the way. I don't think it will help dd2 to have sponsored friends from dd1, they are grown up now. Dd2 will be better off making her own way in the long run

[DoJo]

Have you asked your daughter what she would like you to do to make it up to her? I think that acknowledging that you made a decision which was disproportionate is important, but also making it clear that she can't just be cross with you for ever over this without giving you an opportunity to put it right. She might have something in mind, she might just feel better if you accept that you made a decision in haste, but I think you need to give her an opportunity to choose a suitable solution.

[lorelei9]

Eek
You owe her big time.

[anklebitersmum]

I think the best thing you can do right now is give her the respect she dererves as practically an adult, sit her down and explain that you got it wrong, you were unreasonable but you're human and that you are genuinely very sorry.

She's clearly 'a good kid', 4A's and not stropping off out regardless of what you say and then coming to tell you that she's not happy? Wow. We should all be so blessed.

Don't let it fester. My parents had an 'apologies don't apply to us and you'll do as we dictate' approach in my late teens. Trust me when I say it's not how you start a healthy adult relationship with your child.

[AlfAlf]

I also think a bit unreasonable, but I can totally sympathise with you too.
My dd1 turned 16 quite recently, and I keep having to remind myself I can't tell her what to do in the same way now. Obviously if she was behaving appallingly I'd have something to say about it, but I don't feel it's reasonable to lay down the law with her in the same way as when she was 13/14/15 (for example, being grounded).
It's taking some getting used to!

Also, I don't think we need to worry so much about 'going back on our word' the way you do with younger children. They are older and decisions should be up for discussion.

[headexplodesbodyfreezes]

You need to do some making up. And accept that its time to take a step back from this level of involvement in their social lives. Life will get hellish if you don't.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

A levels? Then by my calculations she must be 17 or 18 an adult. How can an adult give cheak

[bbcessex]

you are very unreasonable for making your elder daughter 'pay the price' of your other daughter not having friends / plans.

My parents used to guilt me to include my sister in my plans, to the detriment of me / my friends, and I still remember it 1,000,000 years later.

[honeyrider]

You were very unreasonable. What a horrible thing to do to your DD1 on a day she cannot get back, no wonder she's still pissed off with you. You're not even coming across as if you're genuinely sorry either with all your flippant comments.

Your DD1 shouldn't be responsible for your DD2 making friends. You go on about your DD1 not having empathy for DD2 but you haven't any empathy for your DD1.

You owe your DD1 big time and you owe her a genuine apology.

[blahblahblah2000]

Well I wasn't allowed to sleep over at my friends when I finished year ten at 16 and still resent it and I'm 36!

[DaisyDando]

You're getting a lot of stick OP. In the big scheme of things, it's not that big a deal.
A family celebration shows you cared.