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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about FIL keeping DS's bday present

142 replies

fassbendersmistress · 05/10/2015 17:14

DS has just turned 3 and we went to see the GPs for a celebration at the weekend. FIL brought everyone to his garage and to much fanfare opened the door to reveal a shiny new bike, all bells and whistles, for DS. DS was beside himself with excitement. He can't ride yet but sat on it ringing bell, honking horn etc...FIL has just one very bumpy/mossy path for cycling. The rest is grass or gravel. He lives in a small village in the sticks and the very small country lanes arent suitable for taking bike on. DS spent rest of day talking about getting his bike home and riding it. He could do this on our street/local park.

Just before we left FIL told DH that the bike was staying at his house and not going home with us. I didn't find this out until just before we left so wasn't given a chance to question this. He was adamant that DS should come back to ride it there. I just think it's ridiculous to spend money on a bike that will sit gathering dust in a garage to be wheeled out once every 8 weeks or so to be pushed up and down a small path. DS will never learn to ride it there as there just isn't the space, so he will get bored quickly. Never mind that there is a confused 3yo now looking for his new bike here!

AIBU to be fuming at FIL over this. I feel it's bit controlling (he has a lot of form for that type of behaviour) and downright mean. I feel like saying to him that next time he buys DS a present that he plans to keep, could he let us know in advance so we can prepare DS for the inevitable disappointment at not getting to 'keep' it? Or should I just let it lie.

(We will obvs buy DS a bike ourselves but he's a bit young and we were planning to wait until spring when the weather was better and he could get out more on it....)

OP posts:
LisbethSalandersLaptop · 05/10/2015 17:18

YANBU it is controlling mean cunty behaviour.
Imagine giving a three year old a shiny new bike and then telling him that, actually, he cannot have it.
Bizarre.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 05/10/2015 17:18

That's really cuntish. Giving a child a gift and then taking it away is just cruel.

However, finding a small second hand bike will be a doddle. You can get another bell for it.

As for FiL, just don't accept any more 'gifts'.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 05/10/2015 17:19

Does FiL have a nasty/controlling streak?

Probably best you only see them every 8 weeks...

Lauren15 · 05/10/2015 17:20

Is your fil normally quite a controlling person? My mil likes to buy dd stuff but keep it at her house. I think it's partly because she's quite controlling and also because she wants to make sure it will go to her other dgcs when DD is finished (ie none of my family or friends!) . You're right to be fuming. It's not a real present.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 05/10/2015 17:21

What did DH say do?

Furiosa · 05/10/2015 17:21

Your FIL is a dick.

Birdsgottafly · 05/10/2015 17:22

YANBU.

I've bought cheaper versions of my Granddaughters toys, to keep at my house and have doubled up on some things.

That's the usual arrangement.

I wouldn't buy a main toy that she didn't have at home and expect it to stay at mine.

I see my Granddaughter a couple of times a week and have her overnight.

attheendoftheday · 05/10/2015 17:24

Clear he is BU. I know it's awkward, but cn you (or ideally your dp as it's his family) ring him up and ask if your DS can have the bike to play with at home? Maybe promise to bring it when you visit so fil can see how he's getting on? Obviously you shouldn't have to, but it would help your poor little one! At least he would see you're standing up for him.

Original poster
fassbendersmistress · 05/10/2015 17:26

So glad others think that it's cuntish behaviour. Wasn't sure if I was reacting as myself or as the heartbroken 3yo inside me!

He has form for controlling behaviour. He gave BiL a sizeable chunk of money a few yrs back to do his garden up. BIL is very house proud but broke.the money came with the condition that he MUST lay AstroTurf instead of normal grass. When BIL disagreed the money was taken back and FIL is still waiting for BIL to 'come to his senses'. This is the first time though that DS is on the end of it and I won't tolerate it. FIL is a bit wary of me as the rest of the family allow him to control but I usually won't put up with it.

OP posts:
LisbethSalandersLaptop · 05/10/2015 17:28

I think your DH should put his foot down - it is incredibly mean and nasty.
FFS it's a three year old!

Original poster
fassbendersmistress · 05/10/2015 17:32

DH always excuses FIL saying he means well etc but the bottom line is he is afraid to stand up to him. Bit of a drip feed and off subject but I was on ADs for the last 18 mths and he found out from DH. He recently sent me a newspaper cutting (no note or anything) of an article about how ADs 'cause birth defects in babies born to mothers taking them'. I'd had a miscarriage 3 days earlier and was furious beyond belief but DH just said 'he meant well'. I guess I'm probably still a bit angry about that...we have the option of staying with MIL a few miles away ehic we do more often than staying with him. I think he's trying to lure us to his place more often by taunting my DS.

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 05/10/2015 17:32

Any chance he is
Coming to yours for Christmas?

Buy him something.
Let him get excited then take it away. Telling him, oh time to put it away you can use it the next time you visit.

Sparkletastic · 05/10/2015 17:35

DH needs to phone his DF and ask when he can come and collect the bike. If he is met with anything other than 'as soon as you like' he needs to state that you will be buying another bike for DS so perhaps DFIL would like to return the one he bought as he wont need 2. What a dick your FIL is.

jellyjiggles · 05/10/2015 17:37

Is your FIL the same as mine?

It doesn't surprise me! My pil are controlling pain in the bums. They cause so many arguments.

Sparkletastic · 05/10/2015 17:37

And if he carries on behaving so appallingly you won't be seeing him at all so that bike will really go to waste.

pigsDOfly · 05/10/2015 17:37

Well it's not a present if your DS can't have it is it.

What was your DH reaction when his father told him the bike was staying put.

I'd be tempted to call FIL and tell him that you realise the bike cost a lot of money and as DS is not going to be able to use it you think it would be better for him to sell it on as you're going to be buying one for DS that he can actually use.

Horrible thing to do to a small child. Offering this amazing present and then snatching it back.

Nasty man.

BarbarianMum · 05/10/2015 17:37

YANBU but the only thing to do is buy your ds his own bike to keep at your house. Then let your FiL's gift sit in the garage collecting dust.

Original poster
fassbendersmistress · 05/10/2015 17:38

Bloody, that's a brilliant idea. I have noted it so I don't forget. Although funnily enough we have decided to have xmas at home ourselves this yr. we just won't tell him until the last minute.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 05/10/2015 17:38

I agree with Sparkle.

lostInTheWash · 05/10/2015 17:38

MIL tried to do this about that age.

It was smaller stuff - DH just ignored her and packed it in the case with out saying anything - just pieces DC was most attached to and left other stuff.

Managed to avoid being round at theirs at gift times.

I do think it was more about showing MIL friends what she had bought and getting compliments for being generous and not really thinking about the small DC.

Tried it when DC were a bit older - one DC went quiet apparently agreed then went off and packed the items in their luggage - then hid them at our house for weeks.

We were not going to their house as often as 8 weeks either.

I tried to explain how unfair it was it such young DC whose concept of time was very different to hers - she couldn't grasp it - and turn it round at us not visiting more frequently which she knew wasn't possible due to distances .

She also started the doing I'll get that for you at some point to DC - either never intending to all in years time which meant DC pestered and got upset about that. They wouldn't now as the understand time a better as they are older.

I think I'd try and prepare your DC for next time it happens TBH.

Unreasonablebetty · 05/10/2015 17:39

Oh please do as blppdyteenagers reccommended!! Please!! Grin

Namechangenell · 05/10/2015 17:40

That's awful. If that was me, I'd go and get the same bike for your house and then tell FIL he can stick his. What a nasty thing to do. My two would have been so upset if that had happened to them. Didn't your DH say anything?!

If it's any consolation, we live in the US and PILs bought our two a huge wooden playhouse (think very nice garden shed, kids' doors and windows and furniture etc) for their birthdays. It was something like £300. We live across the Atlantic and get back once or twice a year. Meanwhile, it sits unused in their UK garden (no other DGC). WTF?!

When it was DD's birthday the other day, MIL kept going on about the playhouse on Skype. Well, it's no effing use to us here, is it?! I wrapped some other stuff up and pretended it was from PIL instead. A 4 year old cannot understand this fuckwittery...

catfordbetty · 05/10/2015 17:40

These stories make me feel very grateful for the in-laws I've got.

pigsDOfly · 05/10/2015 17:40

Christ, just read your update OP.

He sounds like an absolute peach.

DoJo · 05/10/2015 17:48

My dad used to do this to my brother and me - buy us present that he insisted stay at his house as 'he would never see them again' if we took them back to our mum's. It used to make me frustrated even though we went over there every weekend, so I can't imagine how annoyed I would have been to have toys I could only play with every 8 weeks, and then in non-optimal conditions and presumably only around other plans for the day.

I would definitely buy him a bike to have at home (assuming you can afford one) and then tell your FIL that, mentioning that in future you will not be accepting any conditional gifts on your son's behalf and you would rather he didn't buy anything at all than upset your son by giving him gifts he wasn't allowed to actually play with.