AIBU about FIL keeping DS's bday present

[fassbendersmistress]

DS has just turned 3 and we went to see the GPs for a celebration at the weekend. FIL brought everyone to his garage and to much fanfare opened the door to reveal a shiny new bike, all bells and whistles, for DS. DS was beside himself with excitement. He can't ride yet but sat on it ringing bell, honking horn etc...FIL has just one very bumpy/mossy path for cycling. The rest is grass or gravel. He lives in a small village in the sticks and the very small country lanes arent suitable for taking bike on. DS spent rest of day talking about getting his bike home and riding it. He could do this on our street/local park.

Just before we left FIL told DH that the bike was staying at his house and not going home with us. I didn't find this out until just before we left so wasn't given a chance to question this. He was adamant that DS should come back to ride it there. I just think it's ridiculous to spend money on a bike that will sit gathering dust in a garage to be wheeled out once every 8 weeks or so to be pushed up and down a small path. DS will never learn to ride it there as there just isn't the space, so he will get bored quickly. Never mind that there is a confused 3yo now looking for his new bike here!

AIBU to be fuming at FIL over this. I feel it's bit controlling (he has a lot of form for that type of behaviour) and downright mean. I feel like saying to him that next time he buys DS a present that he plans to keep, could he let us know in advance so we can prepare DS for the inevitable disappointment at not getting to 'keep' it? Or should I just let it lie.

(We will obvs buy DS a bike ourselves but he's a bit young and we were planning to wait until spring when the weather was better and he could get out more on it....)

Good email but it would be better coming from your DH. In future, it'll be you who kicked up a fuss about this, I'm sure, and DH will get off scott free. Tell him to grow a backbone and stick up for his immediate family - ie you and DS.

I wouldnt bother sending him it, buy the bike, take it round when.you go, let the other one gather dust.
I would leave DH to explain.

I'd leave out the 'unless you reconsider'. In fact, I'd leave out the whole email.
Buy the same/better bike tomorrow. Email with photos of ds enjoying new bike.
'Thank you for the bike idea. Ds was so excited by your bike we knew we'd have to get him one of his own.'

I've not read all the thread, but you can get some great 3y.o etc bikes on gumtree.

I think you're all right. I'm not going to send it. Writing it was cathartic anyway. But I'll leave DH to do any explaining.

Thanks for all the kind words and support.

I find that sometimes when I write something out of my system it helps.
So, I agree, good idea to write it, but I wouldn't bother sending it. Get the little fellow a bike, as planned, and let FIL 'enjoy' the bike that he bought to show to a three year old!

just read your update, he is really nasty, using this bike as a means of control. I woukd not trust your dh to tell his father, I woukd bloody tell him myself. What he did was cruel to a 3 year old, next time I see him, would tell him what you put in that e nail face to face.

I woukd do what Mrsweefromweedale* suggested, e mail grandad some pictures of ds on his new bike, just say ds, on his shiny new bike fir his birthday. Thanks for the bike ideaxx

fassbendersmissus A few nice shiny photos of DS grinning wildly with his new bike, you, DH and MIL on the mantlepiece will say plenty-and no words required

Good on your Mil. Begs the question why is dh so wet with her for a mum? Even more reason now to say to dh see your dad if you must but DS and I won't he's an arse! Still think your dh needs to grow a spine!

If you keep tip toeing around this man, he will carry on what he is doing. Op why are you worried about upsetting him, when he did that to you after your miscarriage and he us treating your poor ds like that, your dh is too spineless to stuck up to his family. You say to him face to face or send that e mail, he needs to know what an arse he was.

A decent grandad would have given the gift freely and allowed ds to take it home to enjoy, it wasent a gift he gave your ds, it was a means of playing a game and controlling the lot of you.

Yes I woukd send that e mail or call him personally, then send him pictures of ds riding his new bike in the park and on the street, under the title mini fass present from his grannie

The only people his behaviour is affecting is you and ds, if nobody pulls him up on it, he will carry in doing it. I woukd bloody have pulled him up on what he did after your MC, he was sneaky, it was a subliminal message disguised as being 'helpful', the bike the same thing, control and manipulating disguised as concerned for your ds safety.

Your DH needs to stick up for you and your DS, can't believe he let the jibe about your MC slide! My ex's parents were controlling and I tried to communicate with them and fix things but it only resulted in me being seen as the controlling and interfering one who caused problems between them and their son! Your FIL's behaviour is awful, but it is your DH who is the real problem if he won't support you, stand up for you and put you first. Have you spelled out to your DH the pain that his father's behaviour is causing and how he is condoning it by not speaking out against it. Do you challenge him when he starts with that "oh he means well" shit? No, no he doesn't. How could it possibly have been construed as meaning well to send you that article instead of a sympathy message after you had a MC! You also need to tell your DH not to share any of your private medical information, such as prescriptions, with his father to avoid giving him ammunition. He is exposing you and your son to psychological harm.

Yes its all very well telling dh to stand up to him, but if he is not, op has to do it. I cannot believe that he did that to a little child, knowing it was wrong, even after grandma told FIL it was wrong. He still went ahead and did it, very nasty man.

Yes do tell dh not to share any personal and medical information about you to his father.

Ok give your dh say until the end of the week to talk to his father, if he does not, or shows no signs of doing so, you have to either pick up the phone or send the e mail. This behaviour towards a young child is unacceptable and nasty, and you cannot just leave it for fear of causing trouble. FIL did this himself when he chose against advice to buy his little grandson a lovely present that he was not allowed to keep, causing him confusion and upset.

What are you going to do op?

DH has now heard from me, his brother and his mum independently (none of us conspired on this) how completely wrong FILs behaviour is. BIL (who as I mentioned before is broke) has already bought a new bike for DS to have at home and called this evening to check this was ok before he collected it. I think DH is feeling ashamed he didn't stand and up to his dad now.

I really do take on board all the advice about addressing this with DH and confronting the issue with FIL. I will, I promise, but this week I'm trying to manage my stress levels. I have a scan later in week to confirm a possible second MMC (none of the family knows this is going on - DH knows better this time). But I heed the advice and will act on it when I feel I can take FIL on.

Thanks again lovely MNers

Oh you poor thing, concentrate on looking after yourself and block out all the FIL nastiness, it sounds like you have some good people you can depend on, FIL is just a blip in the big picture.

I'll be thinking of you, so many of us have been through MC, we can empathise in some small way.

That's great, at least this will not happen again. What lovely family you have apart from FIL. Hope dh is going to stand up to his dad now. So sorry about your MC . Hope you have told dh not to say a thing to FIL, you don't want a repeat of what he did last time

I agree with everything FYCATH said, especially this:

"Why is he willing for you and ds to be hurt by this man? Why isn't he standing up for either of you?

If he can't stand up for his family, then he shouldn't expect you to put yourselves in the same room as fil.

You really need to set some boundaries with your dh and get him to see the damage that he is doing to his family, by not standing up for you and ds."

The failure to support you over the miscarriage is pretty unforgivable IMO.

DH knows not say a word this time...or indeed ever again about my medical info. He told me this evening he wanted to avoid a scene or upsetting me at the weekend on account of what's going on for us, which I can sort of understand. But I cleared that up by telling him that his failure to call FIL to task over this and not put DS first is actually more upsetting. I've made it clear that that was the last straw and in future I'll be asserting myself when FIL carries on like this.

Looking forward to seeing DS's wee face when he gets his new bike

"He told me this evening he wanted to avoid a scene or upsetting me at the weekend."
He's a coward and he's making excuses. He didn't want to upset his father. End of. Even so, it's good you discussed it. I guess now you just need to wait and see whether he steps up next time or makes more excuses.