Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU about FIL keeping DS's bday present

142 replies

fassbendersmistress · 05/10/2015 17:14

DS has just turned 3 and we went to see the GPs for a celebration at the weekend. FIL brought everyone to his garage and to much fanfare opened the door to reveal a shiny new bike, all bells and whistles, for DS. DS was beside himself with excitement. He can't ride yet but sat on it ringing bell, honking horn etc...FIL has just one very bumpy/mossy path for cycling. The rest is grass or gravel. He lives in a small village in the sticks and the very small country lanes arent suitable for taking bike on. DS spent rest of day talking about getting his bike home and riding it. He could do this on our street/local park.

Just before we left FIL told DH that the bike was staying at his house and not going home with us. I didn't find this out until just before we left so wasn't given a chance to question this. He was adamant that DS should come back to ride it there. I just think it's ridiculous to spend money on a bike that will sit gathering dust in a garage to be wheeled out once every 8 weeks or so to be pushed up and down a small path. DS will never learn to ride it there as there just isn't the space, so he will get bored quickly. Never mind that there is a confused 3yo now looking for his new bike here!

AIBU to be fuming at FIL over this. I feel it's bit controlling (he has a lot of form for that type of behaviour) and downright mean. I feel like saying to him that next time he buys DS a present that he plans to keep, could he let us know in advance so we can prepare DS for the inevitable disappointment at not getting to 'keep' it? Or should I just let it lie.

(We will obvs buy DS a bike ourselves but he's a bit young and we were planning to wait until spring when the weather was better and he could get out more on it....)

OP posts:

Crazypetlady · 06/10/2015 07:31

Your poor ds will not get much use out of it before he is on a bigger bike.Plus how will he learn to ride a bike when he is riding every 8 weeks? If he drinks get him a expensive bottle of whiskey/wine/champagne etc and keep it at your house for him. After presenting it over dramatically.Oh and don't tell him until just before you leave.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 06/10/2015 08:00

Instead of all this passive aggressive suggestions tell fil directly.

I would say if you plan to get things for your grandson to keep at your house for when we visit then say so before.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2015 08:01

You do not do that to a child, especially on their birthday, really mean to give them a present, and not let them gave it, whatever your reasons. A young child will not understand, poor ds is wondering where his nice bike from grandad gas gone

KaraokeQueenOfTheNorth · 06/10/2015 08:04

My in laws did this every birthday and Christmas when my kids were small. They used to look after the kids one day a week, so every present they bought my children was to keep at their house for that one day a week they were there. And then when they had grown out of them, in laws sold them and kept the money...

I stopped the children going there for various reasons, so they don't do this anymore, but it used to really annoy me but if I questioned it I would get "well what do you expect them to play with here?"

Horrible on Christmas Day for the kids to get nice presents but not be allowed to take them home :(

EponasWildDaughter · 06/10/2015 08:13

My XMIL used to do this. Big flashy presents which then ''needed to stay at Nanny's so that ALL her grandchildren would get a go''.

It was plainly obvious, even to my youngest from the age of about 4, that by ''ALL her grandchildren'' she meant the two by her youngest son.

People reap what they sow OP. Trust me, your DS will have little or no real affection for his grandfather once he's old enough to recognise the man's true nature. Kids are very astute and it starts very young.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2015 08:26

eponas did you pull her up in it! Take the oresents and tell her no you bought them for minieponas , not your other grandchildren!

anklebitersmum · 06/10/2015 08:27

How mean

Loving some of these suggestions..personally I think a direct "We're taking the bike home Dad" from DH would probably serve to stop all sorts of similar shinnanigans in the future.

FIL sounds like a petty, manipulative piece of work. Nowt like family, eh?

YouBastardSockBalls · 06/10/2015 08:36

I was on ADs for the last 18 mths and he found out from DH. He recently sent me a newspaper cutting (no note or anything) of an article about how ADs 'cause birth defects in babies born to mothers taking them'. I'd had a miscarriage 3 days earlier and was furious beyond belief but DH just said 'he meant well'.

The cunt.
I'm so sorry for your loss

How can you even be in company with this man? Your DH sounds spineless too, how dare he share your private medical information with his father?

BiggaBanga · 06/10/2015 08:39

Rozalia "Weakwilly". Glad you liked it. But he's a bit of a twat, really. But 'he means well!'

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/10/2015 08:43

I've read this thread with my chin hitting the ground.

If your DH wont say or do anything to 'offend' his dad, could you take a drive for a visit, just you, no one else. Then when you're there, lay the terms and conditions of any future visits/gifts etc on the line. Your FIL starts to act in a more 'normal' behaviour or the visits end.

If your Fil mentions anything of this visit look at your DH and say (with wide eyes)"Now where would he get such a strange idea from" or sigh and shake your head while shrugging your shoulders at this mad idea that your FIL has come up with.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/10/2015 08:49

I really don't understand why you went anywhere near the man again?

Baconyum · 06/10/2015 08:49

All pa joking aside (though loving the Mil idea) you really need a word with your dh! I could not be with such a spineless man! Wtf re the mc!?! Even my sbxh who is an arse of the highest order would not have accepted behaviour like that! It's nasty as fuck!

At this point I'd seriously consider telling dh to put fil straight or you and DS won't be seeing fil again bike or no sodding bike! Dick!

brassbrass · 06/10/2015 08:52

as soon as you bring it up at all you are giving him the power trip he is desperate for. The best strategy for dealing with people like this is to give them zero attention and zero control.

Ignore his bike and just buy your DS another one he can use at home.

Pranmasghost · 06/10/2015 09:39

Hmmm my dd begs me to keep things here for the boys. I smuggle it into their bags to take home! I'm not allowed to buy big things like bikes as they have to be chosen by mum and dad.
There was one lovely year when all grandparents were asked to contribute to a playhouse (wooden) which was erected and equipped in the garden the night before his 3rd birthday. We were all asked round for breakfast to see his face..magic.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 06/10/2015 09:57

His behaviour surrounding your miscarriage is absolutely disgusting. I am so very sorry for your loss, he had no right at all to try to lay the blame at your door.

But I have to say that your dh's behaviour is awful too. Why didn't he turn around to his father and say, "how dare you suggest that dw was in any way to blame for the loss of our baby?!", why didn't he say, "no df, that would upset ds, the bike will be coming home with us, as it was a gift."?

Why is he willing for you and ds to be hurt by this man? Why isn't he standing up for either of you?

If he can't stand up for his family, then he shouldn't expect you to put yourselves in the same room as fil.

You really need to set some boundaries with your dh and get him to see the damage that he is doing to his family, by not standing up for you and ds.

FIL is not meaning well. He doesn't care about your happiness and wellbeing.

for you. I hope you can get your dh to see the light. FIL can only hurt you all because dh is letting him.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2015 10:11

I agree, FIL sounds like a really nasty individual, this bike this was used as a weapon, shame al little boy got caught in the middle. Do not rely on your dh to defend you or your ds, you need to do that, and tell your dh, that you will be taking no rubbish from FIL

Rachel0Greep · 06/10/2015 11:52

Can't even begin to comprehend someone doing this to a child. I've no kids, but am an auntie to many. I always loved the magical moment of seeing a child's face, when they got something they really loved, and the thought of me saying to them, 'er that is just for use at auntie's house', I cannot even begin to understand.

OP YANBU, but I think you know that. Tbh, I'd be seeing a lot less of FIL, from here on. As others have said, the little fellow will soon outgrow the bike that he was allowed to look at, on his birthday.
I'd get him another one, I know you mentioned doing that anyway, and let FIL enjoy the other one.

EponasWildDaughter · 06/10/2015 13:36

aeroflotgirl - eponas did you pull her up in it! Take the oresents and tell her no you bought them for minieponas , not your other grandchildren!

Y'know, if it happened now i would have no hesitation! I'm older and a lot wiser. When my older 3 DDs were little however i was in my early 20s and afraid of confrontation. I never knew how to handle her (XMIL) and XH hadn't the balls.

Happily i have new PIL and they are lovely :) DD4 is luckier in that respect than her older sisters.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2015 13:59

That is good eponas, age certainly helps, we are older and wiser, and I feel more confident at 38, than I did, at 28. When you are in your early 20's you are young yourself, and want to not make a fuss. I used to be really timid when I was younger, as Ive got older, I have thought, to hell with it!

icanteven · 06/10/2015 14:05

My MIL is the exact opposite. She lives in the US and has form for buying things for the children like bikes and, on one memorable occasion, an actual SLIDE, and then being gutted that we won't bring them back to England ON THE PLANE. DH is v firm with her though.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 06/10/2015 14:12

BIL is very house proud but broke.the money came with the condition that he MUST lay AstroTurf instead of normal grass.

my MIL truied this on us about something, luckily we could afford it anyway (as it had been ordered and was in production) so said "oh dear well we will get it ourselves"

we know from family members she actually quite respects us for standing upto her this way, not just sulking and putting up.

Jux · 06/10/2015 18:16

Dear FIL
What a lovely thought, and what a lovely bike, it must have cost a packet. I do understand that you got it mainly to show people how generous you are, rather than so that ds could enjoy learning to cycle and enjoy it himself, so it's entirely reasonable that you keep it at yours.

I'm sure all your friends and acquaintances will enjoy seeing the photos of it, riderless, as you can see all the bells and whistles properly without the distraction of a rider; and of course it'll stay shiny and clean much longer if it isn't used.

Strangely enough I know that our friends and acquaintances will enjoy seeing photos of ds actually riding a bike, so we, with MIL's help (thank you MIL!) shall be getting ds this bike (insert link to superdupermuchbetterbike) which we know he will enjoy learning to ride over here. It won't stay clean and beautiful, but we think ds will love it.

Thank you again, FIL, you really deserve the approval you get.

Original poster

fassbendersmistress · 06/10/2015 20:10

UPDATE

MIL has got involved. She Had found out about this plan a few weeks ago and had tried to talk FIL out of it, explaining it was totally wrong. She has offered to buy another bike for DS. She said one of the reasons FIL wants the bike at his house is that he wasnt keen on DS cycling where we live because we would allow him to ride it on the pavement to the park.

FFS! So he doesnt trust us as adults to supervise our son at crossings!!! Controlling, insulting, manipulating twat who thinks he knows best.

I'm taking DS bike shopping tomorrow and sending the following to FIL tonight.

Dear FIL,
I wasn't around when you explained to DH why DS couldn't take his bike home. DS is 3 and doesn't understand the concept of receiving gifts you cannot keep (nor do I for that matter!). Unless you want to reconsider, I'm taking him shopping tomorrow for a new bike. He would have got a lot of use out of the one you bought him here and would have loved coming back to show off to you his new skills. But if you insist the bike stays with you, then we'll go ahead and buy another. There really isnt any need for 2 bikes, so you might want to consider getting a refund, or donate it to a local nursery school.

OP posts:

RiverTam · 06/10/2015 20:29

That sounds fine with regard to FIL.

What about your DH, though?

DoJo · 06/10/2015 20:34

Sounds like a good email - hopefully it will make him think twice before using a 3 year old's birthday gift as an attempt to manipulate his parents! Sounds like your MIL is a keeper too and at least she's on board so won't pander to any moaning that may take place as a result. Is your husband really not going to get involved? He does sound a bit wet if he can't see that his father is not 'well-meaning' so much as 'keen to have his own way at any cost'.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6