Holidays without children

[PIPPA74]

I have been separated from my X for 7 years and have shared contact of our children.

I am planning 2 holidays next year, the first with my current partner of 6 years and our son and my two daughters from my previous marriage.

The girls are then going away with my X and new spouse. While they are away I am planning on going away with my partner and my son.

My X has texted going crazy because I am treating my girls unfairly and that i should not have a holiday with my son and partner unless i take the girls as I am apparently favouring my son over them.

I have argued that while my girls have two families and therefore half of the things they do is with one family while half is done with the other. My son however just has us and so all the things he does are with us. The girls will have one holiday with me and one with their other family and my son will have one holiday with his sisters and one holiday with us so they have all had two breaks with their families.

My X is saying the girls are really upset and and crying and i feel awful but they go away as a couple numerous times without any of the children which they say is ok because they are not favouring one over the other. The girls are also upset when they do this as they state they feel like they are being dumped.

I feel really bad that I am apparently upsetting the girls but my X is so adamant that what I am doing is really awful and is damaging my girls that i am considering just not going on the 2nd holiday.

This is obviously causing issues with my partner who says they have been dictating to us for 6 years and that they have no right to dictate to us what we do and that this will mean our son always has less than the girls as they will always go away with their mum and us while he does not get that opportunity of a second break.

So, I would really appreciate some honest opinions as to whether I am being unreasonable, is my X right that i should never go away with my partner and our son as it is unfair on the girls. Also am i explaining it fairly to the girls?

I think this was so much more simple when I was a kid and we couldnt afford any holidays ha ha #firstworldproblems

I was trying to phrase my answer to this but I can't - I just fully endorse the post by yankeecandle and would say the same regardless of the sex of the parent concerned.

I understand how you feel. I had to rearrange a trip to see my elderly relatives because DSD was on holiday with her mum and we had arranged to pick up at 5pm. Her mum rang to say this was going to be delayed and it was a case of we either went then without her or not at all. So we ended up going not at all because I'm already the awful person according to her mum.

Wouldnt have minded but it wasn't aholiday it was a trip mainly for DD to meet relatives and they in all honesty wouldn't be able to cope with both at once anyway!

I still think you are doing nothing wrong. You are going away with partner and son while your girls go away with their mother & her partner.
There is nothing for anyone to get upset about.
How anyone can criticise you when you are taking your girls away with their half brother for a holiday but going away with your son while they are on another holiday is really odd!
The situation is your girls live with their mother and you have a son with a new partner. It is not easy to juggle it all in these situations but they are wrong to resent you and your partner having holiday time with your son.

I still think that if you take one of your children away, then you take all your children away.

And if your Ex had had subsequent children I would feel that she should do the same.

I still think that if you take one of your children away, then you take all your children away.

How can this be a rule?

It makes no sense.

It's nice for kids and parents to do stuff separately sometimes.

Is this kind of rigidity part of that weird English obsession with going on holidays?

Beth2511 Thats so annoying for you! You should have just gone, especially seeing as your dsd had just been on holiday and you wanted you and your DD wanted to see your relatives. It's frustrating having to put your life on hold like that.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/2477147-Treats-without-SCs?

Just to show you OP that the variance of opinion is not related to your sex.

I think what you are doing is fair if it is while the girls are away with your XW. They are still very young and will simplify this down to ' a holiday without us' but they will understand in time.

I still think that if you take one of your children away, then you take all your children away

He does take them ALL away. His second holiday is when they are away with their mother. How many holidays should these kids have??

Bloody hell,. some kids never get a holiday and here we have kids getting upset because their Dad is taking his son away while they are away anyway with their mother, having already had a holiday with their Dad.
The world has gone mad.

YANBU at all op.

I happen to think that if you've separated from your children's other parent, what they do with the children is up to them.
But if you go on to have subsequent children you do your best to treat them all the same.

And that doesn't only refer to holidays.

What happens at Christmas? The original children will get presents from both sets of parents. Does that mean the parent with more children spends less on the first ones?

BathtimeFunkster

Because he's not having a child-free holiday, He's taking one and leaving two.

What happens at Christmas? The original children will get presents from both sets of parents. Does that mean the parent with more children spends less on the first ones

So long as the parent buys each child gifts then the amount spent is irrelevant.
It's a sad world where people tot up the value or number of gifts they get so they can compare and get offended.
Love is not measured by how much you spend or number of presents.
I taught my children to be glad and appreciate whatever they got not start looking at how they may have been slighted by someone.
This Dad can't be in two families at once and there is nothing to suggest he favours one child over another.
His DDs are having two holidays and his son is having two holidays.
Can't see any reason why anyone is hard done to here.

But he said that his ex/dds holiday was booked a year in advance so they were already going away when he booked his. Is he supposed to put his life on hold while they're away?

OP YANBU and I really don't think its fair that your girls are being dragged into it.

I don't really know what I think about this, TBH. I am surprised at how many posts have said outright YANBU because that is not what usually happens when the question of holidays without stepkids comes up!

I think I agree that generally the girls are not being hard done by, and that if only both sets of parents/stepparents would support this, stick to the logical and reasonable explanation of them getting two holidays, and their brother going away with you two whilst they are away with their mum is fine and normal, they would probably be absolutely fine and not think that much of it.

As it is, you can't control what your ex says to them and encourages them to feel, it is a shame but they probably ARE going to be feeling excluded and unwanted now because she has encouraged them to feel like that. The thing with the money is totally ridiculous.

You're going to have to tread carefully, I think your reasoning is sound and you obviously don't want to exclude your kids from your family, but you may not be able to make your girls understand that if their mum is telling them otherwise. I get that you don't want your lives controlled by your ex, but the situation is what it is...it's a big risk to go anyway and potentially have your girls left feeling very insecure or just turning against you.

I'd wait until you next have them, sit down and have a good chat and see what you think is the best way forward from there.

Because he's not having a child-free holiday, He's taking one and leaving two.

And?

What is the problem with that?

He's not taking one and leaving two tied up in the cellar.

In fact, at the time he is considering this break, the other two will also be on holiday.

I can imagine plenty of times when I might want to go away with some of my children but not all of them.

When did all-sibling holidays become a rule?

They are all going on the main family holiday.

Why can't there be other breaks with other combinations of people?

There are 5 people in the family.

Surely they wouldn't do everything together even if there hadn't been a divorce?

Last year my two eldest went on holidays to their grandparents for a week and DH and I took the toddler off with us for a short break.

If the older two had started whinging about us daring to have fun while they were off having fun of their own they would have got a very tedious lesson about the dog in the manger. And they are way younger than the OP's kids.

Going on a holiday with one child is a totally different experience from going with one.

It sounds like the main family holiday won't really offer a lot to a 3 year old, who'll be basically dragged along to what his older siblings want to do, as so often happens to 3rd children.

Why shouldn't he get a nice holiday on his own with his parents while his big sisters are off to the sun?

Bath it is generally acceptable to take one/some child/children and not the others when the children are from a single family unit. When they are step or blended it becomes a minefield of insecurity/lack of fairness/feeling replaced.

Wow, well that really is unfair.

Instead of getting all the advantages of two families that love you, you get stupid rigidities and encouragement to feel sorry for yourself.

I'm bemused by the fact that it is totally fine for one couple to act as though they are childless when the children are at their other home, but that the birth of a little boy has ruled out the other family ever having any fun unless all members are present.

Guess their Da won't have the option of ever spending any time with his two eldest alone taking them off for activities weekends their little brother is too small for.

OK for a regular family, verboten once the holy bond of matrimony has been broken.

It's only a minefield when the parents are feeding into this hard done by poor me attitude the kids have developed.
It's not of the exs business what you do in your free time especially when she will be on her own holiday.

But yankee - if you go by that rule, the OP's DDs shouldn't ever go on holiday with their dad. What if their dad had another child and he took them on holiday in the same week as the OP wanted to take their DDs away? How would that work?

Flexibility is the key for blended families.

Lynda I'm not quite following? OP is the dad of the DD's.

I am of the opinion that children (whether they are with the RP or NRP) should be included in the holidays of either parents, ie considered as a part of a family unit from both sides.

I don't actually think the OP is unreasonable for holidaying with his DD's, it was the fact that the holiday was planned purposely for when the dd's were away so that he could spend time with his wife/son (therefore not wanting his dd's to be a part of this holiday) was the thing I found to be off. There is nothing "blended" in a situation like that; it seems you are more "tolerated", and I can fully see why the dd's feel upset at that.

As for those calling these children entitled and spoilt brats; I don't think it is either to want to be included in your Mum/Dad's family.

hampster I'm sure I am not unique in feeling insecure/hurt as a child when my Dad took an "inclusive" family holiday with us all and then another one with only his family. My Mum never commented on this, but I very much felt it. Children are not emotionally dependent on the reactions of their parents; yes, it certainly doesn't help when one or both are adding fuel to the fire; but they have a "feel" for what is secure and what is not. I'm not saying all children would feel insecure/upset at the above situation, but i certainly did.

There's nothing "blended" about banning more than half the family from going away when some of them are on another holiday.

Being jealous because life carries on when you are not there is something you are meant to grow out of in early childhood.

I agree Bath; nobody should be banning anyone from doing anything. But I do think there is more to it than this.

The OP's partner claims that the children have been dictating to them for 6 years. That means they were 6 and 2........ I'm not sure if children that age can dictate and even if they try it shouldn't be allowed. I suspect that the OP's partner wants a "family" holiday, and OP said it was planned to coincide with the dd's holiday so that he could have time with his son.

I didn't read it as the children dictating to them. I read it as the ex dictating to them