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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Holidays without children

155 replies

PIPPA74 · 05/10/2015 12:41

I have been separated from my X for 7 years and have shared contact of our children.

I am planning 2 holidays next year, the first with my current partner of 6 years and our son and my two daughters from my previous marriage.

The girls are then going away with my X and new spouse. While they are away I am planning on going away with my partner and my son.

My X has texted going crazy because I am treating my girls unfairly and that i should not have a holiday with my son and partner unless i take the girls as I am apparently favouring my son over them.

I have argued that while my girls have two families and therefore half of the things they do is with one family while half is done with the other. My son however just has us and so all the things he does are with us. The girls will have one holiday with me and one with their other family and my son will have one holiday with his sisters and one holiday with us so they have all had two breaks with their families.

My X is saying the girls are really upset and and crying and i feel awful but they go away as a couple numerous times without any of the children which they say is ok because they are not favouring one over the other. The girls are also upset when they do this as they state they feel like they are being dumped.

I feel really bad that I am apparently upsetting the girls but my X is so adamant that what I am doing is really awful and is damaging my girls that i am considering just not going on the 2nd holiday.

This is obviously causing issues with my partner who says they have been dictating to us for 6 years and that they have no right to dictate to us what we do and that this will mean our son always has less than the girls as they will always go away with their mum and us while he does not get that opportunity of a second break.

So, I would really appreciate some honest opinions as to whether I am being unreasonable, is my X right that i should never go away with my partner and our son as it is unfair on the girls. Also am i explaining it fairly to the girls?

I think this was so much more simple when I was a kid and we couldnt afford any holidays ha ha #firstworldproblems

OP posts:

pictish · 05/10/2015 14:29

I agree with prof - state your case then refuse to discuss it with your ex any more. You can speak to your dds and reassure them with love of course, but do not concede to this outrageous rule that your ex is trying to foist on you. You aren't doing anything wrong.

Original poster

PIPPA74 · 05/10/2015 14:32

Some great advice (even from those who disagreed with me) thanks.

I guess i just needed to know that i was not going crazy, that i am not the "prick" i have been told i am and that my decision had some validity. I totally get that they disagree with me, dare i say that is part of the reason we divorced as we disagreed on many things.

OP posts:

GobbolinoCat · 05/10/2015 14:33

op I dont think your a prick at all.
let your ex think you are, let them try and prove you are, dont care, dont engage quite frankly. start to stone wall

Original poster

PIPPA74 · 05/10/2015 14:35

Bugger, just reposted as didnt think original message had, this will take some getting used too.

Thanks, that is much appreciated, while i hope i am doing the right thing more often than not it is very difficult to not question yourself when somebody is constantly slagging you off and telling you what a shit parent you are.

OP posts:

GobbolinoCat · 05/10/2015 14:40

dont let him have the air time to do it, yes yes we know I am a prick yes yes GOOD BYE.

stop engaging, you know what he is like, what can you expect.

its hard when you are a pleaser, but it feels sooooooo goooooood when you can learn how to do it.

have faith in your own abilites too.
you have new family and life now ( with your dd of course) and you need to focus on them when with you and your new family. forget them

Asteria36 · 05/10/2015 14:48

I'm afraid I disagree with you Pippa. I see your reasoning, but having been the child in that scenario that didn't get to go away with mummy and her "new family" (as it became in my mind) - all the adult reasoning in the world will not convince a child of the fairness. Even now as I approach 40 my full brother and I feel that we were just an inconvenient reminder of our mother's first marriage/mistake and that she sidelines us in favour of her new family. Obviously I am projecting my own feelings into the situation, but my dsc started to express similar emotions over their mother leaving them out of her holidays with her new partner and children. DH had to talk to his ex after she sloped the dsc from her tropical holiday and actually let all the children talk to each other. The dsc were devastated that they had been left out - if like to think it was just thoughtlessness on their mother's behalf, although there is a strong history of emotional abuse.

DH and I tend not to go away without all of our children (2x dsc and my DS) unless it is for the odd night here and there or if we know that the dsc are on holiday with their mother. I have taken DS away for a few nights on my own, as has DH with his, but that is the only way we would split them for a holiday.
Hope this gives another viewpoint that helps. There are other emotional issues in our situation that may well exaggerate feelings about holidays.

Asteria36 · 05/10/2015 14:50

Fwiw - the way that your ex and the stepmother are goading the children is abhorrent, whatever the situation they are emotionally manipulating the DC to manipulate you in turn.

Number3cometome · 05/10/2015 14:52

It's fuck all to do with your ex - you decide who and when you go on holiday, he does not dictate that to you.

Kids will always act hard done by, one holiday is more than enough by most kid's standards and they are already having two.

If they pipe up about that, then they are just acting plain spoilt.

LuckyLuckyMe · 05/10/2015 14:57

Definitely agree with PP who said any child would be upset if adults around them make them feel hard done by.

If they had explained that all DC get 2 holidays and this is the fairest way to do it there would have been no fuss. They obviously have an agenda.

How is what you do while XH is on holidays any of his business.

Original poster

PIPPA74 · 05/10/2015 14:58

Thanks for the response and tbh i cant help thinking this has a lot to do with the Xs own bad experience as a child.

I definitely accept there is more than one view here and tbh we will be wrong whatever we do. If we do take them all, as our son gets older im sure he will become aware that his sisters are always going on more holidays than him and doing exciting things with their other family that he does not get to do.

I am just happy Im not quite as mental as i have been portrayed as being and that my position, while not getting universal approval doesnt seem to be quite as disgusting as i had been led to believe it was

OP posts:

clam · 05/10/2015 15:00

I don't think YABU. And I agree with the poster who said children will always bleat about things being unfair if they get the merest hint that an adult will pick it up and run with it, as your ex seems to be doing.

As long as you're not the dad on the other thread who has booked a skiing holiday for his "new" family and left out his "first" son, saying if he wants to go skiing he can go with the school (who aren't running one).

And I also agree with your partner who believes your ex is dictating terms here. Time to stop. And you need to work even harder to assure your girls that they're loved and accepted as an integral part of your family, but that this holiday is a separate thing as they get to go away with their mum too.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 05/10/2015 15:01

I would cease all discussion with your ex about what you're doing while he is away with the DC. Whether you are having a day out, a holiday abroad or just doing fuck all at home it's none of his business. As long as you are contactable in case of an emergency that's all he needs to know.

As for your two girls, I thought you were going to say they were aged 3-5. Really, a 12 year old crying because she's only having 2 holidays this year - the same as her brother? Bet she wasn't whining last year when she had 3 and he had none? She's old enough to know better. As is the 8 year old texting to tell you the money is sorted. I'm just . You need to get that nipped in the bud right now.

Gottagetmoving · 05/10/2015 15:02

None of your exes business and you don't have to discuss your plans or defend what you do to him.
He is teaching your DDs to be selfish and mean spirited.
Just because they feel it's not fair doesn't mean it isn't fair. What if your DS thinks it is unfair they get a holiday with their dad? Would you agree with that?
Your DDs are not being left out. They are going away with their Dad.

It's your ex who is the problem, as for his wife,...none of her business.

FunkyPeacock · 05/10/2015 15:04

Although I completely disapprove of your X's interference and obvious attempts to make this more of an issue than it really is, I can understand why your DDs might be feeling left out/excluded

Considering there are at least 12 weeks of school holidays a year then it does seem rather odd that you have chosen the same week that your DDs are away with your X to go on holiday with your DS & DD. It is not surprising that they might interpret this as a deliberate decision on your part to exclude them.

I appreciate that there will always be some things they miss out because they are with X and you can't be expected to never take your DS on days out & other treats while the DDs aren't there but family holidays are big deal when you are a child so I think it's fairly natural that they would prefer to be included.

Number3cometome · 05/10/2015 15:07

I think people are forgetting here that a holiday is a TREAT, it is not a god given right. They are already having one adult.

Maybe OP cannot afford to take them all on a second holiday? In which case she is quite within her rights to not take them by ensuring adequate childcare, which they have, with their father.

No wonder kids these days are so flipping spoilt.

GobbolinoCat · 05/10/2015 15:07

hat didn't get to go away with mummy and her "new family"

but what about the only lonesome son who doesnt get to go away with the girls other family?

GobbolinoCat · 05/10/2015 15:07

has to listen to what they did with daddy and step and what went on?

Number3cometome · 05/10/2015 15:08

GobbolinoCat

Exactly.

Therewasanoldladywho · 05/10/2015 15:09

They sound a bit spolit (dd's). My dad used to go on holiday with his new family while my mum couldn't afford to take us anywhere. Don't remember getting upset, it's just tough. And at least they're getting holidays! Sorry, probably not very helpful but YANBU.

howabout · 05/10/2015 15:09

Just wanted to add a different viewpoint. I have teenagers and a pre-schooler. We go away on holidays with different combinations of them as they don't all want to do the same things. Also, increasingly the older 2 go away on school trips etc independently of all of us. Grannie quite likes having just 1 or 2 of them to visit or to take away so that they don't have to compromise. It isn't normal in non-blended families to take all DC on all holidays so I don't see why it should be in your situation.

Also no matter what you do teenage dds will find a grievance. The life of a teenage dd, especially one with an absent father, is an exercise in "it's not fair".

GobbolinoCat · 05/10/2015 15:13

he way that your ex and the stepmother are goading the children is abhorrent, whatever the situation they are emotionally manipulating the DC to manipulate you in turn

and if you do not stop engaging your adding into this cyle.

Really, a 12 year old crying because she's only having 2 holidays this year - the same as her brother? Bet she wasn't whining last year when she had 3 and he had none? She's old enough to know better. As is the 8 year old texting to tell you the money is sorted. I'm just shock. You need to get that nipped in the bud right now

I don't think that's fair, how really does a child have perspective to know about holidays etc its her life. I mean little baby cowell may done day be upset as his dads rolls doesnt start up when he tries to drive it, he has no idea many dc have no daddies huge shed of cars to go at, its what he will know and be brought up with.

I wouldnt be cruel over dc crying about holidays, and its obv coming from your ex.

Your ansa is simple. and get your partner to back you up and stop engaging, your letting them dominate and manipulate you.

as for the 8 year old text, not sure what you can do about that, its not good though is it, I wonder if someone could talk to them about that>?

lexlees · 05/10/2015 15:15

The girls WILL GET OVER IT. You are not harming them psychologically.

Sometimes, parents are just too scared of their kids not liking them - parents after divorce are especially prone to that and end up with spoilt brats. Don't be scared of them being angry for while - they will forget all about it soon enough. They will still love you.

GobbolinoCat · 05/10/2015 15:16

They sound a bit spolit

op why don't you when all calmed down explain to them about the holidays ( but really its not about that its about time spent and feeling left out!)

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2015 15:16

I would be very careful not to make the DS's holiday 'better' IWSWIM. Not Disneyland with him and French camping with everyone.

Your ex is a ginormous knobber.

FunkyPeacock · 05/10/2015 15:20

Mmmmm agree with MrsTP - if the holiday without your DDs can in any way be viewed as being superior/more expensive/more exciting etc than the holiday with your DDs then that is likely to make this even more of a grievance for your DDs!

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