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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who has the bab when I go back to work. Aibu

114 replies

HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:30

I'm quite expecting to be told that iabu but anyway. Nc for this but I'm a reg.

Baby is currently 4 months old and I'm taking a year of maternity leave then hopefully dropping to two days work a week (haven't requested this yet but it should be fine). DM doesn't work due to illness and naturally me and baby have spent a lot of time with her. Ds has come to know her and recognise her, 'chats' to her in the funny way babies do. I had expected, as had she, that she'd take care of him the two days I'd work (although she is ill, she will be able to manage this).

Conversely mil works full time. The baby cries every time she holds him and he doesn't really recognise her. She likes to stay sat to hold him but that makes him cry because he wants you to stand up and show him things. She says she likes it when he cries (?) and would happily just hold him whilst he's crying which I can't stand. Dh wants his mum to drop a day in work to have the baby one day.

I don't want her to have him. I want my mum to have him. I want him to go somewhere he knows with someone he's happy with and recognises. Aibu to insist my dm has him at least at first on both days that I'm at work? For full disclosure I'm suffering a degree of postnatal anxiety, and also I haven't left the baby with anybody yet as he's ebf and he feeds all the time! The other option is giving up work entirely; we could just about afford this but we wouldn't have any spare money at all but I'm honestly considering it because I'm so worried about who will have ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:31

Oh ffs sorry about typo in the title! 'Bab' fgs Hmm I mean baby obviously

OP posts:
ChessieFL · 05/10/2015 08:34

Does mil actually want to have him?

iwantgin · 05/10/2015 08:35

Nursery or childminder.

I wouldn't expect either of the DGM to take a full day /two days every week to look after the baby.

It's a big commitment. What if DGM is ill, or just fancies a day to themselves?

Original poster
HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:37

My mum has been really looking forward to having him two days a week. But actually nursery or cm would solve all our problems. I have no idea how the price of nursery etc works however. Where would I get that kind of info?

OP posts:
Mintyy · 05/10/2015 08:38

Why doesn't your son "know" your mil? There's a long time for him to get to know her better, so how about working on that? provided of course that she does actually want to give up a day of work per week to look after him.

Original poster
HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:38

I don't really know. I assumed she would because dh seemed to think she would. Although maybe she doesn't even want to. I didn't even consider that. I've just been worrying myself into a tizz for such a poor reason

OP posts:
Rainuntilseptember · 05/10/2015 08:39

The mil may be happy with her full time job! Point out that she will affect her pension if she alters her working hours. Two different people sounds quite disruptive to me. Obviously there are issues with her relationship with the baby, hopefully when then child is older she will get on a bit better.

Original poster
HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:39

Mil doesn't see him as much as dm but you're right there is time. They work all week and see him at weekends

OP posts:
Jeffreythegiraffe · 05/10/2015 08:40

Ring round local nurseries and ask. Make sure you look round. Look at their Ofsted reports.

Only1scoop · 05/10/2015 08:42

Unfair of your dh to want his DM to 'drop a day at work' but hopefully if she did have him then you intend to pay her.

You say your mum is ill and there is a huge difference in regularly seeing ds to being obligated to have sole care for two whole days.

Visit some child are settings and enquire about fees maybe?

Original poster
HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:42

i will have a look and ring round, thanks

OP posts:
Jeffreythegiraffe · 05/10/2015 08:44

Your mil may not want to give up one day of work!

Original poster
HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:44

Yes, we are fully expecting to pay both parents for looking after him. Dh thinks she will want to drop a day to look after him but I don't actually know if this is the case. I would just rather he went to my mum.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 05/10/2015 08:45

From the title I assumed you were from the Black Country where bab and babby are common! Grin

Anyway. Don't forget that your mil is just as close a relative to your baby as your mom is. You need to give them a chance to get to know each other.

And don't forget that your baby will not be a babe in arms for long. That completely changes the dynamic of looking after a child.

Anyway, you need to talk to your mil I think.

Good luck optic sound so frazzled you poor thing Thanks

RoboticSealpup · 05/10/2015 08:45

Just to make you aware though, nursery is very expensive. It costs about 1500 / month where I live. This may not be a problem for you but it's good to be aware of the costs.

Original poster
HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:45

I'll have to look at nurseries. No idea why that didn't cross my mind. Baby brain?

OP posts:
Jeffreythegiraffe · 05/10/2015 08:46

My two love their nursery, I would never expect my inlaws or parents to look after them, but also I don't have the issue of if they want to go on holiday or are ill which is something to consider. Both started when I went back to work at a year.

Original poster
HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:47

Oh no robotic that is going to be far too much. Is that full time? I'd only need two days a week. You've all put a very good point to me here, she may not even want to drop a day. She's given no indication that way to me. My mum is excited and keeps talking about all the things they're going to do together!

OP posts:
Jeffreythegiraffe · 05/10/2015 08:48

You need to start looking now, the waiting lists can be huge, especially if you live in London.

TheTravellingLemon · 05/10/2015 08:49

It seems daft to me. If your DM wants to have him and is free to have him, let her have him. I think your DH is being a bit silly, but I understand him not wanting his mum to get left out. He wants to make sure she has the same relationship with his son as your mum.

I would speak to him about it. Say you will make more of an effort to get them to spend time together and build their relationship, but it really isn't practical for her to give up a day's work to do this.

Also, remember DS will be a year old by the time this is actually an issue, so the crying whilst sitting etc won't be an issue.

Original poster
HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:49

It won't be every week, I will work 1 weekend in 4 and so will dh, meaning we get two days off in the week (we have the same job!) so we can have the baby those days. So it'll be every two weeks in four, for two days.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 05/10/2015 08:50

It depends where you are ....a nursery day around here is between 40 to 50 pounds per day. Rural staffs.

Have a look online at some fees to give you an idea of area.

My nursery was great as they did half days also.

MsJuniper · 05/10/2015 08:51

My mum had DS for 2.5 days at her own request and absolutely loved it, she still has him a couple of afternoons a week. They are so close and it's lovely to see. Grandparental care is frowned upon on MN but it's pretty normal IRL - don't rule it out.

I would put off making a decision about this until the baby is at least 6-8mo and spend the next little while making sure he gets to know your MIL better, regardless of whether she has him regularly once you're back at work.

If your MIL expresses an interest in having regular time with DS or giving up a day's work then you can consider the options at that point. Your DH should definitely not put any pressure on her. It might be that he is worried about DS being less close to his family than yours, so improving their relationship should reassure him on that front.

Original poster
HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:52

Thanks Jeffrey I'm in the north west but I imagine it'll be the same up here. Lemon, thank you for that, you've worded it very well. I think we will have to make more of an effort to foster a relationship between ds and mil. Dh asked me to express a bottle for others to try and give him so that could be a starting point. It's a trust thing though. I feel like I don't trust her very much. God I sound horrible don't I

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Verypissedoffwife · 05/10/2015 08:52

It depends where you live but nurseries round here (Yorkshire) aren't too bad. The one my daughter went to was really lovely and cost 35 per day. It will be more now but I wouldn't have thought it would be more than 40. I'd start looking now as some have waiting lists. You could just have one day per week and your mum the other day. Then if your Mum is ever I'll the nursery may be able to cover the other day?

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