Who has the bab when I go back to work. Aibu

[HoweyWoloWizard]

I'm quite expecting to be told that iabu but anyway. Nc for this but I'm a reg.

Baby is currently 4 months old and I'm taking a year of maternity leave then hopefully dropping to two days work a week (haven't requested this yet but it should be fine). DM doesn't work due to illness and naturally me and baby have spent a lot of time with her. Ds has come to know her and recognise her, 'chats' to her in the funny way babies do. I had expected, as had she, that she'd take care of him the two days I'd work (although she is ill, she will be able to manage this).

Conversely mil works full time. The baby cries every time she holds him and he doesn't really recognise her. She likes to stay sat to hold him but that makes him cry because he wants you to stand up and show him things. She says she likes it when he cries (?) and would happily just hold him whilst he's crying which I can't stand. Dh wants his mum to drop a day in work to have the baby one day.

I don't want her to have him. I want my mum to have him. I want him to go somewhere he knows with someone he's happy with and recognises. Aibu to insist my dm has him at least at first on both days that I'm at work? For full disclosure I'm suffering a degree of postnatal anxiety, and also I haven't left the baby with anybody yet as he's ebf and he feeds all the time! The other option is giving up work entirely; we could just about afford this but we wouldn't have any spare money at all but I'm honestly considering it because I'm so worried about who will have ds.

Going back to work is still 8 months away. Your baby will be completely different. Will your DM cope with an active toddler? What will be your back up plan if she is sick or goes on holiday.

The question about what your MIL wants is a good one. If she is desperate to help then you have so much time to work on getting them to know each other better.

My DM and MIL both look after my DD one day a week. However, they are both very child orientated people. She has a great time - they both dote on her. They both do some things their way (although don't tread on my toes too much) and I have had to learn to relax a bit with this. Working part time seems to be the perfect life balance for me.

It's easy for me to say this but don't stress, it's so far away - 2 lifetimes as far as your baby is concerned!

Or op, you could have a day to yourself!

I work the odd weekend too and the dc still go to nursery if I'm off during the week. I usually do some cleaning but sometimes I go shopping, on my own!

And don't forget that your baby will not be a babe in arms for long. That completely changes the dynamic of looking after a child.

Very important. Looking after a baby is a world away from chasing after an active toddler. It's hard work - and a lot more stress when it's not your child!

If it's possible, my first choice would be professional childcare and call on the grandmothers for emergency care. Just about everyone I know who uses parents has issues with how their kids are looked after or unreliability. I'd also suggest doing everything you can to ensure MIL is given equal status in the children's lives.

Enjoy your mat leave!

Only1 thanks for that. When you put it like that I just don't think I can afford a nursery :s particularly when my mum is right there hoping to have him.

Msjuniper thanks. I agree that now isn't exactly the time to be worrying about it but I want to collect my thoughts and know what I'm doing as soon as I can, because that's how I direct my anxiety!

I second Chessie's question. It would be a financial hit to your MIL. Has she actually offered or, as it sounds, does your DH just want to ask her to give up a day a week for his DC? That's a big request, she may not want to but feel obliged. I also wonder if the real reason she doesn't stand up with him is because it's physically difficult in some way for her. It sounds like your DH doesn't want your DS to be closer to your side of the family but is not considering his DM in all of this.

Sometimes, dividing things equally isn't necessarily fair. I would stick to your guns unless your MIL suddenly really wants to do it, in which case I would make it conditional on her being responsive to him crying (so she would have to be physically able to do this) and spending more time with him in advance so that your DS can get used to her.

Just a personal preference, but I would prefer one on one care like a grandparent if I could get it for a just turned one year old. I don't think there is anything wrong with letting family look after your baby for you if they want to be involved, yes they could get sick but then so could a SAHM.

Xpost with some more recent replies!

I never knew Grandparents looking after babies was frowned upon in MN, why?

I'm in a similar situation. My DS is nearly 6 months and I'll be returning to work for three days. My parents have offered (I never expected it) to have DS two days and he will go to local nursery for one day. My DH wants my MIL to have him one day but she still works and cannot guarantee what day she will be off. MY DH seems to think this won't be an issue but he's not the one who will have to organise it/check whose doing what/do the drop offs every day.

Also my MIL can go weeks without seeing DS and he doesn't really know her that well. Luckily he's a happy baby so will smile at her but she is unsure how to deal with him/hold him as he has changed so much between the times she has seen him. This is an issue in itself for me so I would be happier if he just went to parents.

I think in your situation though you need to clarify if your MIL is even willing to drop a day! Your DH can't just assume. Sit down and have the conversation.

Talk it through with Dh ....presumably if he was hoping his mum will be dropping a days work and she Would be paid some cost will have been factored in.

Don't let it spoil your time off. I returned part time after a year and spent the final few months of mat stressing about stuff that never actually happened. You have time to suss things out between you.

Im another whose DM was desperate to babysit when i returned part time but also found it far too much. 4 month old is much much easier than a 10 month old desperate to cause complete destruction and on the go non stop for hoirs on end. Dont rely on it jusy incase your DM cant cope with a toddler

Toddlers especially get bugs a lot - having grandparents able to pick up that slack when you can't send them to nursery can be a godsend. And a good childminder can be a lot cheaper than a nursery as well as offering genuinely personal, loving care - one I know is £4 an hour and she is amazing.

Your MIL may be a lot better with toddlers than babies - it does happen with people, that some who are ace with babies are hopeless with toddlers, and the reverse too. But I know what you mean, I could never have left mine with my MIL at all. Just no way.

I do think you need to point out the pension and work implications for MIL to your DH - the assumption that his mum should give up a day's work to look after his child seems a bit cheeky, really! Not an expectation many would have of a grandfather, is it?

You don't sound horrible. I think you are worrying unnecessarily. Your Mil might not even want to cut her hours. I don't understand why your DH wants you to express. Also some people find babies adorable, whilst others find them really boring. Some GP's love looking after the GC, whilst some feel they have done their child rearing and want to have fun.

Given that the issue hasn't even been broached with MiL I'd just send him to your mum on those four days per month.

Perhaps your MiL could offer childcare on the odd Saturday night so that you and OH can go out, during which time she can bond with her grandchild. I think that it's important for all grandparents to be involved where possible/appropriate. I think that care needs to be taken not to relegate the paternal grandmother to second league (I mean this generally, it's not directed at you OP - on the contrary, you sound very thoughtful).

You don't mention what's wrong with your mum but if she can't work it must be fairly grave. So consider whether her illness is likely to get worse or whether it would make caring for a mobile and busy toddler infeasible. You don't want "childcare issues" to cause stress a year from now.

Howey I was/am in a very similar situation with my 5mo DS. My mum lives round the corner and is self employed so we tend to see a lot of her. DS lights up when he sees her and I feel she knows him well. DMIL desperately wants to have the same strength of connection and both DP and I have a hard time trying to facilitate time for her to build her bond with him because she works mon-fri. She also doesn't respect our opinions/parenting decisions as much so we often feel a bit stressed when she is doing things with DS that he doesn't respond well to or if she ignores his (loose) nap routine. It's a difficult situation but i have noticed an improvement in the way she is with DS the more we involve her and explain why we are doing things the way we are.

I also had postnatal anxiety which was horrible. I have now sought treatment for it and I feel so, so much better since then. Yes, I have moments but overall I just feel like "me" again. So I just wanted to say you're not alone, and it is really hard, but ime does get so much better! I would try to get the emotional things sorted first before dealing with the practicalities as things do have a way of falling into place.

Archer - why won't it be your dh who is planning our the childcare, doing drop-offs etc? Start as you mean to go on - I chose a nursery on dh's route to work for a reason!

I'm in NE Wales and the top nurseries around here are £45 for a full day.

In your situation I'd go for a nursery/childminder, but if it's not an option, I'd ask your DM to have the baby both days. There's no way I'd leave my child with someone who says she likes it when he cries. That's just weird.

Maybe start off with your mum and then when he's a bit older (and a bit happier with MIL, it's bound to happen) let him go there too???

Dh asked me to express a bottle for others to try and give him so that could be a starting point. It's a trust thing though.

That's one hell of an ask (and I say that as someone that exclusively expressed for
8 months+).

There are many many other ways to bond with a baby than you having to faff around with bottles and pumps.

Your husband is behaving pretty oddly. He's simply assuming his working mother will want to drop work hours to look after a baby when he hasn't even asked her? When he has no idea whether she would even, if she wanted to, be able to drop work hours? Does he realise how much work expressing often is, compared to feeding, especially when it's not necessary?

Isn't the potential problem that she'll feel she's supposed to, if he steamrolls on like this? Is he incredibly sexist? Does he think his father is also poised to drop work to look after the baby, or is it only a woman thing?

Talk to him, and if he doesn't listen, kick him.

I'd be looking for a childminder or nursery and keep both mums as back up or emergency care, or occasional evening babysitting.

Your mum's illness may not stop her caring for a baby but a toddler and preschool child is a whole different ballgame. What if she is too ill to have him, or can't cope, or goes into hospital, or the child's safety becomes compromised by her illness or disability?

And for your MIL giving up a days work has implications for pensions, as well as being a really big ask. I think unless everyone is 100% on board with the commitment involved then family and childcare shouldn't mix. Keep it neutral by using professional childcare. I've seen lots of families fall out over differences in childcare in terms of feeding, safety, reliability, obligation and general attitudes. Of course it can work well but only where everyone involved is totally in tune with what's required.

How ill is your mother, i'd worry if she was really up to whole days with an active toddler. I couldn't have put it on my parents and inlaws but they were a bit older and i realise some gps really enjoy it.

My mum offered to look after DS filltime when I went back to work. In the end she did two days a week until he was one, then two days a fortnight from then on. She is fit and active and early 60s.

DS is very very active these days, and it takes her a couple of days to recover from 2 days with him. I ask her regularly if he is still happy to carry on, and if she wasn't would bite the full time nursery bullet (£1500pcm here). She loves spending time with him, but was definitely ready to stop the weekly care when I (gently) did this. So if you do go down the mum route, for everyone's peace of mind, I recommend that you do have a workable back up plan, and keep communication channels open.

Archer - why won't it be your dh who is planning our the childcare

Because sometimes, due to work shifts, the cc will fall on one parent?

For two years, dh worked an hour from home (thankfully ended now!) and had to leave at 5.30am every day. With the best will in the world he couldn't take an active part in drop offs etc so cc was arranged around how easy it was for me to manage.

I hate statements like this tbh, that imply the little woman is hard done by and the male chauvinist pig of a dh is off on a jolly with not a care.

Also, as Sidge says, you have to let her do things her own way or you will fall out. DS gets a lot more treats with my mum than with me, and is definitely more babied, and carried sometimes even though he weighs a ton but they have a lovely time together

I never knew Grandparents looking after babies was frowned upon in MN, why?

So are nurseries. You can't win either way.