Who has the bab when I go back to work. Aibu

[HoweyWoloWizard]

I'm quite expecting to be told that iabu but anyway. Nc for this but I'm a reg.

Baby is currently 4 months old and I'm taking a year of maternity leave then hopefully dropping to two days work a week (haven't requested this yet but it should be fine). DM doesn't work due to illness and naturally me and baby have spent a lot of time with her. Ds has come to know her and recognise her, 'chats' to her in the funny way babies do. I had expected, as had she, that she'd take care of him the two days I'd work (although she is ill, she will be able to manage this).

Conversely mil works full time. The baby cries every time she holds him and he doesn't really recognise her. She likes to stay sat to hold him but that makes him cry because he wants you to stand up and show him things. She says she likes it when he cries (?) and would happily just hold him whilst he's crying which I can't stand. Dh wants his mum to drop a day in work to have the baby one day.

I don't want her to have him. I want my mum to have him. I want him to go somewhere he knows with someone he's happy with and recognises. Aibu to insist my dm has him at least at first on both days that I'm at work? For full disclosure I'm suffering a degree of postnatal anxiety, and also I haven't left the baby with anybody yet as he's ebf and he feeds all the time! The other option is giving up work entirely; we could just about afford this but we wouldn't have any spare money at all but I'm honestly considering it because I'm so worried about who will have ds.

4 days a month is a bit different to 2 days a week. Are you likely to be able to fix the days off? Nursery may well struggle with the ad hoc requirements you will have. A childminder may be more flexible. You will need to look carefully about how the days off will fall. Our nursery would require you to comit to one fixed day every week, which will put the cost up if you don't need that day, but do need two others.

If you go for your mum, what will you do when she is unwell, on holiday, or has appointments?

Will your DM be OK having him for 2 days?

You have mentioned that she doesn't work through illness. Not meaning to pry.

Saying that she wants to have him and it being practical for her are two different things.

Minecraft, it was a question not a statement. And what I hate is sexism, not the implication that some men are having jollies.

Now that I think of it properly. There will be 4 days a month. At first fixed but will change once I am back into shifts. Meaning that dh can take the baby when we are on opposite shifts. So there will be minimal need for gps to take baby really.

For those asking about my mum she can't go on holiday with her condition for various reasons so that's not a problem. I don't know what we'll do if she's ill, I can take a day off I suppose or dh can.

If it's going to be a different day of the week each time, MIL might not even be able to drop a day!

Perhaps your husband needs reassuring that his mum won't be left out.

If you are at work on a weekend & he isn't, he can make sure she sees her GS then for example or a couple of hours after work on a weeknight.

It doesn't have to be exactly equal to be "fair".

Question then rain.

It's just all a bit passive aggressive and superior IMO and implies all sorts of gender stereotyping/sexism which is probably not the case. 'Oh my dh does the drop offs, why does childcare fall solely to you?' [head tilt]

It's the way it's worded I suppose. It's quite possible to ask the op outright 'Can your dh do some drops off on XYZ at all?' without sounding like you're saying it whilst looking down from a great height.

I wouldn't leave my baby with someone who leaves them t cry. Period. Family or not.

I wouldn't leave my baby with someone who leaves them t cry. Period. Family or not.

Also it really is cheeky that he's expecting her to just drop a day for our kid it's so funny to think about. They own the business so I don't know how it'd affect her pension.

Dh is brilliantly hands on and will help with drop offs etc but as I've said before he and I work in the same place so a lot of the travelling may be shared when shifts coincide.

1500 is full-time! That's the cheapest nursery I've found where we currently live (Hertfordshire), and where we are moving next month (South West London). Childminders are meant to be cheaper, although I haven't looked into that myself.

Does he think his father is also poised to drop work to look after the baby, or is it only a woman thing?

I thought this! Trained well by MN

A few posters have asked the OP why the baby doesn't know the MIL. My DD4 (20 months) doesn't know DHs mum as well as my mum. It's nothing sinister.

My mum lives half an hour away and is available for a visit 6 days out of 7. MIL and FIL live a couple of hours motorway drive away, spend about a third of the year abroad in 6 weeks chunks, and have to split their remaining weekends between 2 other sets of grandchildren all miles apart. Add into that that we too have plans to fit round and it ends up that it can be 6 or 7 weeks between DD seeing DHs parents sometimes.

It's quite sad to see how wary DD is of MIL, (she's ok with FIL, our theory is he looks a lot like DH) MIL is a lovely person but just hasn't bonded with DD yet. None of us stress about it, it's just how it is right now.

If you're in Liverpool/Prescot sort of area I can recommend a nursery - my boys went here from 8 months-3 years and loved it!

Obviously go and have a look round but it was great for my boys. We paid £250 a week for 2 kids over four days - BUT we did get 70% paid by tax credits.

I would look into formal childcare now and keep mum on the back burner as an every so often option. Things could change drastically on the family front but generally, nurseries and childminders are much more constant.

I don't think nursery will work for you - there's 2 weeks a month where you will need 2 days childcare, and the days of the week may change over time due to shift patterns, is that right?

Most, if not all, nurseries will want you to book in for set days, and will charge you for those days even when the DC aren't there. So say you need childcare on Mon / Tues on those 2 weeks - nursery will want you to pay for every Mon / Tues because they probably won't be able to find another child who will only want the Mon /Tues on weeks when your DC is off nursery. And if the days you need change, they may not be able to take your DC if they're fully booked on other days.

A childminder might be more flexible.

This reminds me of my friend whose MIL was keen to look after her baby while she worked but friend was wary about reliability/MIL doing things differently etc. Instead MIL looks after her daughter one weekend morning a week so she can do chores and supermarket shop. Sometimes she takes her out, other times looks after her at friend's house for just an hour or two. If MIL is tired, poorly, on holiday etc it's no problem and if friend can limit the time in an amicable way of she feels like she needs more time with her daughter - sometimes the three of them go shopping together, for example. But MIL and the little girl have got to know each other now and friend feels comfortable asking MIL to have her daughter in the odd occasion the weekday childminder isn't available which is a bonus.

Think creatively OP, it could work out well. Good luck.

You need a nursery or childminder unless your dm or mil are going to be registered cm, I think.
At least then you'll know your baby is being cared for in the way you would expect.
I too had this problem so stayed at home.
good luck.

I think your best option - on all counts - would be a reliable childminder.
Your son would be looked after in someone's home, who is ofsted registered and who has no health issues.
I think it's lovely your mum wants to look after him but if she has an ongoing condition - which I assume could get worse? - then how reliable will she be?
I dont blame you for not wanting to leave your child with someone who would "happily" let him cry but I think the answer that is you have a lot of time told you go back to work...foster a better relationship between your baby and mil.
Good luck.

Minecraft you are massively projecting.
And it is a feminist issue that women arrange childcare 9/10 times and are the first person nursery calls if they need to go home sick etc. I wish I was posting from a great height - my dh may do all the drop-offs but I was the one to research and find the nurseries.

Our nursery here is £50 a day. 8-6.

Nursery prefer you to have the same days each week.

What about your mum having him for a day. Then a day in nursery, where MIL can collect him for the afternoon if she wants?

I would not be happy leaving a child where they would be crying all day. Ex MIL never bothered to get to know either of my dcs. Yes, we lived an hour away. But we went to visit, all she did was sit glued to the tv. Ds hated visiting her. Dd doesn't even know her.

For the last 4 years my in laws have been providing full time childcare to between 1 and 5 grandchildren including overnight stays and weekends. They were pretty healthy to begin with but it's seriously affected them (they haven't visited us for over 2 years). They can't go on holiday etc. they know it's too much for them but they don't feel they can say no.

4 days a month I would use whichever mother or father (yes men often care for babies) is available on any of those 4 days so no one feels tied to it. You need back ups of backups of backups for child care anyway. I don't think the MIL though should reduce her days a week for this. You should all keep as much money coming in as possible.

I would not as it wouldn;t be faire to others in the family. I wouldn't mind some weekends or evening babysitting but my income is too important to put at risk for a grandchild

I would also worry about your mum's health. I know this is not what the thread's about, but depending on her condition - does it affect her mobility, for instance? - she could be utterly exhausted by a toddler.

I will be paying £650 a month for full time nursery when DS starts in a couple of months. Costs vary massively depending on where you are - you really need to make enquiries of your local nurseries and childminders to find out costs. Don't rely on what people say on here as an indicator.

Surely childcare cost is something you consider before you try for a baby or if you didn't plan the pregnancy at least while you are pregnant.
We looked at the cost of childcare and decided I would be a SAHM.
It seems incredibly presumptuous to just expect your parents to step in.

I take care of my DN regularly and it is very different to looking after my own children. I am well too, you say your Mum is too ill to work but looking after a child is work. I feel guilty asking my Mum to look after mine for one offs, she looks knackered sometimes when we get back. There is no way I'd have her do it weekly.

Childminders are £3.50 an hour here.
(Midlands)