Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Who has the bab when I go back to work. Aibu

114 replies

HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:30

I'm quite expecting to be told that iabu but anyway. Nc for this but I'm a reg.

Baby is currently 4 months old and I'm taking a year of maternity leave then hopefully dropping to two days work a week (haven't requested this yet but it should be fine). DM doesn't work due to illness and naturally me and baby have spent a lot of time with her. Ds has come to know her and recognise her, 'chats' to her in the funny way babies do. I had expected, as had she, that she'd take care of him the two days I'd work (although she is ill, she will be able to manage this).

Conversely mil works full time. The baby cries every time she holds him and he doesn't really recognise her. She likes to stay sat to hold him but that makes him cry because he wants you to stand up and show him things. She says she likes it when he cries (?) and would happily just hold him whilst he's crying which I can't stand. Dh wants his mum to drop a day in work to have the baby one day.

I don't want her to have him. I want my mum to have him. I want him to go somewhere he knows with someone he's happy with and recognises. Aibu to insist my dm has him at least at first on both days that I'm at work? For full disclosure I'm suffering a degree of postnatal anxiety, and also I haven't left the baby with anybody yet as he's ebf and he feeds all the time! The other option is giving up work entirely; we could just about afford this but we wouldn't have any spare money at all but I'm honestly considering it because I'm so worried about who will have ds.

OP posts:

Jeffreythegiraffe · 05/10/2015 14:38

Wtf? What did your dh say about that? I think you need to have a word with him about the housework, it would only be fair after all!

Original poster

HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 17:46

He didn't get a chance to react cos I just screamed at him to 'put everything back or I'm leaving' ha, great start to married life. 2 weeks later he said to mil 'howey wasn't too happy about that' and that was the end of it. Ha I am such a push over.

OP posts:

hackmum · 05/10/2015 18:20

Absolutely no-way that you should let your baby stay with someone who has a dog that bites. It's giving me the shudders just thinking about it - seriously, you would be putting him at a lot of risk. Dogs can get very jealous and also very angry when provoked.

So, yes, if your mum is happy to have him, and you're happy to leave him there, and he's happy to be with your mum, then that's the ideal solution. Recognise that it may need reviewing as he gets older.

Original poster

HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 18:45

Thanks all. Sorry for the ridiculous drip feed in the middle there.

OP posts:

CrapBag · 05/10/2015 22:26

I can't believe she overstepped the boundaries and rearranged your fucking house! I'd go apeshit if anyone moved so much as a cushion in my house without me there. Why did she have access to your house whilst your weren't there? Does she have a key?

You are definitely doing the right thing. Stick to your guns and say no. Your DH has no issue with you doing most of the parenting so you get the say in this and tough suit if he doesn't like it! Does he honestly think your DC will be fine around those dogs!? He is an idiot if he would put his mum's feelings over a dog that is likely to bite his child.

Original poster

HoweyWoloWizard · 06/10/2015 08:01

She has a fucking key. We only asked if they'd feed the fish!! They liked to use it also in the first few weeks of my mat leave whilst I was attempting skin to skin to kick start bfing and walk in on me and the baby in a state of undress. Pils and teenage bil that is. I've posted threads about this before under other names. That's stopped now since I had my dh have a word. This family has no boundaries at all - 26 of them turned up at my house the morning after we got home from hospital after a traumatic birth.

Anyway I digress.

I don't know how best to bring it up to dh in a non confrontational way. we are going to pils for lunch again this weekend and if they insist on allowing the dog in and he jumps up, that might be my starting point. Or is that then too confrontational?

OP posts:

hackmum · 06/10/2015 08:24

OP, I really wouldn't worry about being confrontational. This is your child's life we're talking about. There must be some official guidance or website out there - surely? - that says you shouldn't have small babies around aggressive dogs. I know some dog owners are bonkers (I'm one myself), but you would think even your MiL could see that it's not a good idea.

Original poster

HoweyWoloWizard · 06/10/2015 08:33

We have a dog at home, but he is nicely trained and will NOT go near the baby since I went all mama bear on him . You would think mil and dh would get it but they don't seem to at all.

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/10/2015 09:09

A] get the locks changed, or get a deadbolt or alarm system that will log who comes in and out, and they will need their own pin number for. Cheap as chips and very off-putting for a snooper.
B] in the nicest possible way, get a backbone. You don't have to be confrontational, you have to learn to be firm and assert yourself.

All anyone needs to know is that "DS is only 4 months old. DH and I will discuss what childcare is best for DS and what works for us closer to the time I will return to work. Thank you for offering, we will bear it in mind and when we have discussed it properly, we will have a chat to you then." With the right firm "end of discussion" tone, you can end the discussion even if it comes across as a bit rude. No-one wants to be humiliated by a point blank refusal so most people will back off at that point and approach your DH on the quiet admittedly so you need to be just as firm with him too that he needs to send the same non-committal message

Original poster

HoweyWoloWizard · 06/10/2015 09:13

I think it's dh I'm having to convince as he thinks it's only fair they both have him 1 day a week. How does one learn to be assertive? I thought it'd come with age, I'm 22 and no sign. Thought it'd come with my baby... Nope...

OP posts:

FannyFifer · 06/10/2015 09:39

26 people arrived at your house the morning after u got home from hospital. What the fuck!

I think who babysits your child is the least of your problems, deal with the in laws, change your locks for goodness sake.

DesertorDessert · 06/10/2015 10:18

I'd approach DH with a month or 6 weeks worth of rota, showing how the needs of childcare will change week by week, and point out that if his mum takes a day a week off, there is a high chance baby won't need looking after that day (assuming MIL will need to fix her day off????). Could also point out that weekend won't be the only time that is family time (indeed, it may well be him and baby) and wouldn't it be lovely for MIL, DH and baby to spend some time together then?

Lock on your bedroom door if she will every be babysitting at yours!

Original poster

HoweyWoloWizard · 06/10/2015 12:50

2-fucking-6. It was the worst, I was in my pjs and grey with anaemia and trying hard to bf the baby and then fucking everybody just came into the house. I escaped upstairs and the community midwife came and commiserated with me upstairs for a while and then they all took my child and passed him round. Furious I was.

Yeah there is NO way she's having my baby

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/10/2015 13:25

Maybe start by reading this article and the one linked within it "how to negotiate for what you want". Life doesn't have to be a series of open battles despite the MN view that No is a complete sentence. You can assert what you want in other ways
www.entrepreneur.com/article/233248

Timing is everything which is why it is a good plan to avoid having this discussion at all until everyone is faced with the reality of what they are taking on. The nappies of a 1 yr old versus a 4 month old, the sheer weight to heft around, the mess a toddler will make, the babyproofing etc etc. Use the "broken record" technique. Over and over again, " we can discuss this when DS is 10 months old"
You can also use the same tactic to send a positive message rather than saying "No". Of course your Mum can look after DS one day a week, provided that she is in a position to be flexible/commit to a specific day/put the dogs in a kennel run.

DesertorDesserts point is a good one too. With two of you working two weekends a month it is sensible to use your "solo" weekends to visit your own families? It's a win win for your MIL - she gets her son and her GDC at the same time.

Oh and the next time your DH uses the word "fair", just ask "Why, why does it have to be fair? It's a child not a toy". Let's start with fairness at home in division of spare time/house work etc etc.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5