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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who has the bab when I go back to work. Aibu

114 replies

HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 08:30

I'm quite expecting to be told that iabu but anyway. Nc for this but I'm a reg.

Baby is currently 4 months old and I'm taking a year of maternity leave then hopefully dropping to two days work a week (haven't requested this yet but it should be fine). DM doesn't work due to illness and naturally me and baby have spent a lot of time with her. Ds has come to know her and recognise her, 'chats' to her in the funny way babies do. I had expected, as had she, that she'd take care of him the two days I'd work (although she is ill, she will be able to manage this).

Conversely mil works full time. The baby cries every time she holds him and he doesn't really recognise her. She likes to stay sat to hold him but that makes him cry because he wants you to stand up and show him things. She says she likes it when he cries (?) and would happily just hold him whilst he's crying which I can't stand. Dh wants his mum to drop a day in work to have the baby one day.

I don't want her to have him. I want my mum to have him. I want him to go somewhere he knows with someone he's happy with and recognises. Aibu to insist my dm has him at least at first on both days that I'm at work? For full disclosure I'm suffering a degree of postnatal anxiety, and also I haven't left the baby with anybody yet as he's ebf and he feeds all the time! The other option is giving up work entirely; we could just about afford this but we wouldn't have any spare money at all but I'm honestly considering it because I'm so worried about who will have ds.

OP posts:

Original poster

HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 11:03

Thanks felicia I've pmed you.

Notso circumstances have changed massively since having the baby so thanks for your little telling off there but things change in the two years from trying to have a baby to returning to work.

My mums illness is not a big factor in this as I've said in my op so I'd appreciate if we could stop referring to that.

OP posts:

CrapBag · 05/10/2015 11:16

YANBU. I hate this competitive baby thing where it's either the ILs or the dad making sure that everyone has the exact same time with a baby. It's a person not property.

Trust is a huge thing when it comes to who looks after your child. I admit your MILs comment about liking the baby crying would make me too. I wouldn't trust her to do what is right for the baby, she will want to do what she wants regardless by the sounds of it.

Your DH is also being ridiculous to expect his mother to give up a day working to have your baby. Your mum is there, knows baby better and doesn't work. That just works out. Pissing about just to make things even with the DGMs is just stupid.

Would your mother be hurt if you told her you were putting your baby into nursery just because your DH had the hump about his mum having the baby too? Sounds like she is really looking forward to it so it seems a shame to change it just because your DH has a daft idea.

Original poster

HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 11:36

She would be heartbroken tbh crapbag. Not looking forward to this chat with dh but it has to be done

OP posts:

redshoeblueshoe · 05/10/2015 11:36

Howey its completely normal for GP's to look after their GC. My DM looked after mine, and I looked after my GC. It sounds like your mum will love it.

Original poster

HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 11:46

I haven't even mentioned the worst of it!!! I just thought of this. She has 3 dogs. 1 is calm and nice. 1 jumps a lot and is 'mouthy' in the puppy way and 1 is jumpy, big and a known biter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want him near these dogs. They all also bark very loudly all the time. There's no way she would keep them away from ds and he's bound to wind them up, grabbing at tails etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 11:47

Mil that is in my last post. Sorry to drip feed

OP posts:

Archer26 · 05/10/2015 12:01

Yes Rain, as Minecraft said, my DH's working hours won't allow him to be involved in drop off etc. I'm lucky able to work flexi time so mine will.

Luckily he's an excellent father in all other areas but hey ho, you assume away.

Archer26 · 05/10/2015 12:04

And Howey, I think you all need to sit down as a family and discuss what you want/who is willing to do what.

And don't let it upset the last few weeks of your maternity leave, I bet you'll find a solution that suits you all and in a year look back and wonder what you worried about. I tend to be the same though, I realise there's a problem and want to sort it/solve it now!

CrapBag · 05/10/2015 12:07

I would never have a baby or child around a dog that is a known biter. People who keep these dogs will blame the child for winding it up and won't see any wrong doing. A friend of mine has a biter and he has bitten her DD quite badly. Every time she has blamed her DD for provoking the dog and it's not his fault.

It's not fair to upset your mum because your DH wants to even the score. Put your foot down and say it isn't happening.

Rainuntilseptember · 05/10/2015 12:14

Oh for goodness sake, I was actually trying to help by pointing out it's not just down to the mother to sort this out. It is a fact that most women take on the lion's share of managing childcare, I didn't invent this idea to suit me for some reason. Individual circumstances don't account for the vast amount of women who end up responsible for this - they don't all have partners working shifts.

nutmegandginger · 05/10/2015 12:23

I think your DH is being VU. First in expecting his mum to drop a day of work without even asking her, which is incredibly presumptious of him. In those circs I'd only accept an offer of childcare from her if you were 100% sure that it was her idea and she was totally happy about it, because you don't want to find out that he's pressured her into it and then later she's starting to complain about the massive favour she's done you and the big financial consequences it will have etc. There are plenty of ways for grandparents to bond without having to do a full day per week.

I also think he's being VU in not wanting your DM to have the baby when she has offered and is happy with it and so are you. I agree with Crapbag, it's ridiculous to make it a competition between grandparents and insist everything has to be done identically or it isn't fair - the two grandmothers have different circumstances that mean that what they can offer is different. Treating someone fairly doesn't have to mean treating them exactly the same way as someone else. And it would be very hurtful to push your mum out just because he has some weird bee in his bonnet about his mum having to do the same (which she hasn't even said that she wants to do and for all you know she might be appalled by the idea!)

As for the comment about expressing, that is VVVU. Expressing at best is a hassle, and for some people is uncomfortable or unpleasant, and there are plenty of other ways to bond with a baby, so why on earth pressure you to do it - for no good reason anyway, since by the time anyone else is looking after the baby you wouldn't need to be expressing!

A huge number of mums I know in real life rely to some extent on grandparental care, and in most cases it works very well and brings a lot of joy to everyone. It may not have been so common a generation ago, but is totally normal now. My DM cares for my DD one day per week, and DD absolutely adores her and they have a lovely bond. I never had that relationship with my grandparents, as we only saw them in school holidays, and I'm happy that DD will have it instead. Of course there might be the odd day when my mum can't do it because of illness or something, but as previous posters have said, that's nothing compared to the number of days that DD is going to be off nursery because of being ill.

I think you would struggle to find a nursery that would fit around your needs. All the nurseries we looked at insist on a regular arrangement (i.e. you have to pay your set number of days per week, it can't change between weeks, and the days must always be the same, so they can fill their places and keep to the correct ratios). And it seems absurd to think about the expense of a nursery when your DM is really keen to do it, you are keen on it too, and it will save you money.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 05/10/2015 13:01

I wouldn't have my child around a dog that is a known biter. Seen to many dog bites over the years as a hcp.

Original poster

HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 13:03

Thank you all for the help. I am going to stick to my guns. I will be chatting to dh and letting him know I'm not happy with him going to mil's. To be honest we've hardly been to pils since ds came as they won't lock biter dog out and it jumps at whoever has ds

OP posts:

BondGate · 05/10/2015 13:15

The dog that's a known biter would be a deal breaker for me. I would not want my DC to be around a dog that's known to bite. Even if the dog hadn't got a history of biting I wouldn't trust toddlers to behave sensibly around dogs.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/10/2015 13:22

Honestly - it's 7 months away [you will want to do a settling in period] and your child and his relationship with his GDP's will be a completely different thing by then.
You will also have very different expectations of his needs by 1 yr and you will hopefully be less anxious and more confident with other people taking care of him.

The dog would be a showstopper for me and is a useful tool. However, if your MiL immediately offers to look after your DS in your own home, your argument is gone so be careful that you might get what you wish for...

Unless you have set days, a nursery or even a childminder provision will be very difficult to get. Even if you have set days, you will also need emergency childcare fairly frequently so if you have a MIL who is to all intents and purposes self employed and could jump in to help, then I would personally be making it my business to ensure that my child recognised and was comfortable with all possible carers. You will do yourself no favours if you only work two days a week and are the first to take emergency holiday if your son is ill. Top of the list for redundancy.

CPtart · 05/10/2015 13:32

I must be in the minority. My MIL was unable and my DM wasn't willing to have my DC. Regular childcare simply wasn't part of her retirement plan (or mine!)
MIL and FIL did however have SIL DC very regularly. Over time, they began to see themselves as co-parents and it has soured relationships all round. I admire my DM for saying no and simply stepping in in the half terms and for sickness, despite that meaning we have spent many thousands on nursery fees over the years.
What did you and your DH discuss and decide would happen before you got pregnant?

HSMMaCM · 05/10/2015 13:39

I would use grandparents for occasional days, even one day a week if they want. I have met too many grandparents who have loved being with their grandchildren, but regretted the permanent commitment.

Original poster

HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 13:39

I'd hate mil to have ds at my house. On our return from honeymoon we found she had been in and rearranged the whole fucking house including my tampon drawer and she had moved the bed and moved the condoms lube etc from under it. Boundary issues. No way in hell is she having him here.

We did agree I'd go pt and my mum would have him but dh wants to be fair. I'm not having it

OP posts:

diddl · 05/10/2015 13:49

It's not about being fair FFS, there's not a dolly to share!

It's about what is best for your daughter.

A house with three dogs may not be it!

EponasWildDaughter · 05/10/2015 13:51

Dog update makes it a no-brainer OP.

Do what's best for your DS. That's your job as a parent. Gird your loins and have the convo with DH.

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2015 13:59

Is he scrupulously fair over housework and getting up in the night, OP?

Original poster

HoweyWoloWizard · 05/10/2015 14:00

Ha imperial is he fuck. It's all me!! he does housework when I tell him to and then I say 'thank you' as if he's done me a favour! Aurgh

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2015 14:08

Well next time he brings up this issue, say, "I'm really glad you want to talk about fairness. I agree, we should be fair. Now at the moment I'm doing all the housework. Obviously that's not fair..."

The thing is that your MIL's dogs mean she can't look after your baby safely at her house. Your baby's safety is paramount, way over the desires of anyone. Her intrusive behaviour means she can't look after your baby in your house. She's shot herself in the foot.

diddl · 05/10/2015 14:15

Sorry, I put daughter in previous post.

I agree about MIL shooting herself in the foot.

What on earth did your husband think aboutwhat she'd done?

EponasWildDaughter · 05/10/2015 14:31

rearranged the whole fucking house including my tampon drawer and she had moved the bed and moved the condoms lube etc from under it.

i missed that bit somehow

Why on earth do people think this is an ok thing to do? It beggars belief. Who would go through their grown up kids things? And, more importantly, their kid's partner's things!

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