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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think either I'm a shit parent or young children suck the joy out of everything?

143 replies

Podsandpeas1 · 03/10/2015 12:48

Long sorry ...
Just had another trip out with the DC end in tears Hmm

DC are 5 and 3 . I took them out for breakfast to their favourite place this morning . No problems until we went to the toilets after.

Just general messing about , touching things and not listening whilst I'm trying to help each of them get sorted / hands washed etc.

Then we went to the park and this is where it got frustrating .

I was pushing both dds on the swings - there wasn't much enjoyment from any of us as they just kept whining to go higher / push me / not like that / do it this way / you missed me. Every bloody second .

Needless to say I got frustrated and told them one more go each and tried to show them how to swing themselves .

Oldest dd went in a huff , refused to try and said she wanted to go home and that she wished daddy was here Hmm (DH is away with work) . This is typical of her - huffs when she doesn't get what she wants , when she wants it and then turning mean.

I told her to stop spoiling stuff and she had hurt my feelings .

Both dds eventually managed to get themselves in to a game and played nicely together for all of five minutes !

I then had to police the taking of turns on the slide .

I also had to push them on the roundabout - I wasn't allowed to sit on it though - I had to stand and push them Hmm

We eventually have another go on the swings before we go home - more push me push me! . I gave them clear warnings when there was 5 minutes , 1 minute left etc.

Time to go and dd2 refuses to get off the swing . Tries to negotiate extra time and is clinging on. I tell her I'm going to pick her up and literally have to drag her off the swing Hmm

Obviously , now we are in tantrum mode and she sits on the floor refusing to move unless I carry her to the car - which is just a few metres away ! . I can't carry her as I have back problems so I say, ok I'm off to the car and turn my back on her .

She screams "I hate you" and cries and screams back to the car - giving the whole park some entertainment.

FFS ANOTHER attempt at trying to do something nice with them turns to shit .

I feel like all I'm doing is telling them NOT to do stuff - I was hoping the park would be a place for them to just run around and let off steam .

Would you have stood and pushed them over and over on the swings ? Was I being mean for not doing as they want the whole time ?

Surely in a small playground , they don't need me to helicopter them by now ?

This kind of thing happens all the time . I hate swings because of this very reason Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Podsandpeas1 · 04/10/2015 08:01

ppeatfruit nowhere have I said that I say "no" all of the time .

I don't say no all of the time . This was one day I've described . Albeit , the whining behaviour tends to happen on each occasion I take them out alone - on this particular day , I was fed up of it and maybe didn't parent as perfectly I should have done , but hey ho - have you never been there?

It's all very well and good saying "you should have tried saying lets go home to dress up ..." I do try distraction but it simply does not work with dd1 on every occasion.

She wants what she wants , no exceptions - that's the way she is .

And sometimes , children have to be given a firm no when they are refusing to compromise or be distracted and it is time to go .

I praise my DC every single day even for simple things , but sometimes , they have to learn that I will not bow to their every whim .

No matter how "positively" I put this , it is still going result in meanness / tantrum because they are really testing boundaries at the minute .

There is some great , non judgemental advice on here - I will certainly take it on board .

We are visiting the play ground later today - wish me luck Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Podsandpeas1 · 04/10/2015 08:09

Excellent post vino Grin

OP posts:
Grazia1984 · 04/10/2015 08:10

You could try what we did for a while - find a local sixth form girl to come in for 4 hours on a Saturday morning so we could catch up on stuff at home, drive older chidlren around, work or just sit and read newspapers. It works a treat!

Bakeoffcake · 04/10/2015 08:10

I agree with you Pods- I think you are having a moan about the park, and some people are taking this as how it is with your DC every single day.

Children do have to hear the world NO, because no matter how patient, understanding and "fun" you are, sometimes they just have to be told enough is enough.

Good luck today!

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 04/10/2015 08:38

Sympathy op. I've had a lot of shit days out too. Lots of "why do I fucking well bother?"

My dd is nearly 5 and is still exceptionally clingy, really struggles to play alone. If I insist on sitting down at the park she just sits next to me and whines (loudly).

It's a massive struggle as I'm naturally introverted and really need time away from the kids. But she still follows me everywhere demanding attention constantly.

Luckily her brother (nearly 2) is much more chilled out and happily plays on his own.

If I had two like dd I think I would have lost my mind years ago

sorry for offloading all that, I feel better now

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 04/10/2015 08:43

I cannot tell you the relief I felt when my sister declared to me that the park is hell, because I thought only I felt this and everyone else just knew how to do it properly. It's true. The children enjoy it (mostly), for parents it is generally a flip between terror (that they will hurt themselves) and tedium.

Round here parents try to schedule park visits together so the children play and the parents chat together.

Snossidge · 04/10/2015 08:44

Some posters read too many books and don't have enough common sense.

ppeatfruit · 04/10/2015 09:06

Anther interesting thing about children (apart from the fact that they don't come out of the womb reading War and Peace and able to run the one minute mileGrin ) I get the feeling from some of you that they are being BLAMED for being children.

Small children are like sponges they learn by example, from what they see and hear. Not necessarily what they are TOLD. So if they hear their parents\carers moaning and going on and on at them then that's what they will learn to do too.

Oh and nowhere did I say that podsandpeas says NO all the time I was speaking generally anyway.

Bakeoffcake · 04/10/2015 09:13

God that's such tosh PPeat! Children moan because they are children not because they hear it from parent/careers. How come 2 siblings can be totally opposite- one a moaner and one not? I'd say personality is a much big factor.

My DDs are 24 and 21. They couldn't be more different personality wise.

1isneverenough · 04/10/2015 09:17

OP, totally feeling your pain !
My kids really deserve their renaming as 'atmosphere hoovers'

Narp · 04/10/2015 09:22

Snossidge

Which posters read too many books?

I mentioned some books I read when I was feeling down and stuck, so I can only assume you meant me?

There have been times when I didn't have 'common sense'. Had never had children, so needed advice. Some people get their advice from friends, family, the internet; some from those, plus books.

Does that meet with your approval?

ppeatfruit · 04/10/2015 09:30

I agree about personalities being important too of course Bakeoff . BUT our exdil has an explosive temper and over the years I've watched our naturally sweet natured dgd become EXACTLY like her sometimes and it breaks my heart.

Bakeoffcake · 04/10/2015 09:32

That's must be awful to see ppeat, it would be break my heart too.

ppeatfruit · 04/10/2015 09:42

Thanks Bakeoff

Narp Flowers Some people say "Children don't come with their own book". But as you say there are plenty of good books (some not so good too!) to help and now computers too!

Branleuse · 04/10/2015 09:48

if they cant go on it without my help, then theyre not big enough to go on it at all. I have told my children this many times.

Tbh though, thats the worst age for parks.
I preferred soft play at that age as its enclosed, they cant run off, and I can sit down with coffee and magazine and am "not allowed" on the frames

Francoitalialan · 04/10/2015 10:06

What do you do if you've more than one? One of my kids is going through a phase of SHOUTING OVER EVERYONE to get his own way. Threats of we'll leave are unfair on the other two kids, the noise is impossible to ignore, and a good talking to, along with sanctions beforehand doesn't work. Ideas on a postcard...

Cheesymonster · 04/10/2015 11:36

Hope today is better podsandpeas1

RoboticSealpup · 04/10/2015 11:45

I probably don't know what the hell I'm on about, because DD is one, so this stage hasn't started yet. However, I've seen my sister getting stressed over her two and I've tried to read up a bit on different approaches. The best, most common sense and, above all, parent-friendly parenting philosophy I have found is called the RIE approach. There are books and a blog if you google Janet Lansbury. It's a lot about 'doing less', letting kids develop the ability to play independently. It's also about authenticity. For example, don't distract the child - they can tell you're trying to "trick" them. Don't pretend to like things you don't. Don't obey their "orders", just make it clear you're in control. This takes pressure off you if you hate the dressing up box, for example. It also let's them have feelings like disappointment, frustration, Etc rather than being distracted with treats or getting praise for the smallest thing. They learn that it's normal to have bad feelings sometimes and its no big deal. There is loads of other really good advice, I can't summarize it in one paragraph. It's all really parent-friendly and child-friendly at the same time and really common sense.

Apologies if you think I'm talking out of my behind. My DD is only small, after all. But I really think it can help sometimes to get another perspective on things.

toomuchtooold · 04/10/2015 11:56

ppeatfruit I've been following the thread and I don't see how you can construe these posts as people seriously blaming their children for being children - people are just letting off steam which is a healthy response to the stress of looking after small children. We understand fine why they act how they do - it's still pretty stressful to deal with. There's a gap between the type of behaviour that makes someone fun to be around, and the standard of behaviour a small child is able to deliver. It's not the kid's fault, but it's also not the parent's fault if it drives them up the bloody wall.

BeBesideTheSea · 04/10/2015 12:13

I an so glad you posted this OP. I thought it was just my ds me.

The one change I have made is to turn a no into a yes: "push me on the swings again" instead of saying "no I need to sit down for 10 mind" I now say "yes after I have sat down for 10 minutes"

To be honest, I started because I hoped he would forget and get distracted (he doesn't - why do small children have such good memories?) but now, although it makes zero difference to the day it has changed how I feel about it. When I look back on the day I don't beat myself up because 'all I do is say no'

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 04/10/2015 12:19

Oh I've had plenty of days like this!

What I will say is you might be on the cusp of improvement. My big two are 6 and 4 now and the last year or so has been sooooooo much better.

We still have massive battles around stuff like actually eating their bloody breakfast within a time frame that means we aren't late for school. But things like the park and trips have started to actually be fun!

milkmilklemonade12 · 04/10/2015 12:33

I'm so glad someone else said their kids behave better when they ignore them Blush

It makes me feel bad and like I'm not 'memory making' and having 'a special time' but honestly, when I leave DS to his own devices to rummage about in his playroom, and wander in and out of the garden... He is bloody top at it and just seems so much happier than when I drag him out and about everywhere!

DisappointedOne · 04/10/2015 14:08

You're spot on Robotic.

mumsgoingtouni · 04/10/2015 14:28

I detest those big round birds nest type swings. The children can't physically move it themselves while they're on it so the poor parent has to stand there, bored shitless, swinging and trying to avoid getting kicked in the head while the kids just sit there exerting no effort at all. I thought play parks were to exercise kids - not parents.

amicissimma · 04/10/2015 14:46

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.