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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think either I'm a shit parent or young children suck the joy out of everything?

143 replies

Podsandpeas1 · 03/10/2015 12:48

Long sorry ...
Just had another trip out with the DC end in tears Hmm

DC are 5 and 3 . I took them out for breakfast to their favourite place this morning . No problems until we went to the toilets after.

Just general messing about , touching things and not listening whilst I'm trying to help each of them get sorted / hands washed etc.

Then we went to the park and this is where it got frustrating .

I was pushing both dds on the swings - there wasn't much enjoyment from any of us as they just kept whining to go higher / push me / not like that / do it this way / you missed me. Every bloody second .

Needless to say I got frustrated and told them one more go each and tried to show them how to swing themselves .

Oldest dd went in a huff , refused to try and said she wanted to go home and that she wished daddy was here Hmm (DH is away with work) . This is typical of her - huffs when she doesn't get what she wants , when she wants it and then turning mean.

I told her to stop spoiling stuff and she had hurt my feelings .

Both dds eventually managed to get themselves in to a game and played nicely together for all of five minutes !

I then had to police the taking of turns on the slide .

I also had to push them on the roundabout - I wasn't allowed to sit on it though - I had to stand and push them Hmm

We eventually have another go on the swings before we go home - more push me push me! . I gave them clear warnings when there was 5 minutes , 1 minute left etc.

Time to go and dd2 refuses to get off the swing . Tries to negotiate extra time and is clinging on. I tell her I'm going to pick her up and literally have to drag her off the swing Hmm

Obviously , now we are in tantrum mode and she sits on the floor refusing to move unless I carry her to the car - which is just a few metres away ! . I can't carry her as I have back problems so I say, ok I'm off to the car and turn my back on her .

She screams "I hate you" and cries and screams back to the car - giving the whole park some entertainment.

FFS ANOTHER attempt at trying to do something nice with them turns to shit .

I feel like all I'm doing is telling them NOT to do stuff - I was hoping the park would be a place for them to just run around and let off steam .

Would you have stood and pushed them over and over on the swings ? Was I being mean for not doing as they want the whole time ?

Surely in a small playground , they don't need me to helicopter them by now ?

This kind of thing happens all the time . I hate swings because of this very reason Angry

OP posts:
Narp · 03/10/2015 15:43

Just remembered, OP. At this age, my two were biting each other. Such fun.

Lynnm63 · 03/10/2015 15:44

You're not a shit parent because you asked the question. I read a parenting book after i had my first dc,typical new parent lol! The first line was you are a great parent as bad parents never ask the question.

Small kids are exceptionally hard work and know exactly how to push your buttons.
However, it won't be long, think a blink of an eye, before its GCSE revision and then you start worrying about how much you're going to miss them when they go to Uni and crying at Toy Story 3.

The80sweregreat · 03/10/2015 15:49

I just have a whiney whingy dh these days (52) so nothing gets any better!
I can sympathise, took my swimming once on my own.. Total nightmare that still haunts me and mine are 23 n 18 now!
Children are hard work, a blessing in lots of ways, complete nightmare other times when you are doing your best. Im sure your doing a great job at something which is constantly very challenging. Down time as Ziggy suggests. Good advice. Take care,
X

CaramelCurrant · 03/10/2015 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Narp · 03/10/2015 16:05

Caramel

I agree. I wrote my earlier post from this perspective, because there was a time when I was so fed up that sabotaging things was exactly what I'd do.

ipsos · 03/10/2015 16:13

Are you and the dcs spending a huge amount of time together? I used to find it got like that when we'd gone for a long time without having the grandparents visit or dh having a holiday to give us a new face to look at. Sometimes I reckon we just needed a bit of company.

plantsitter · 03/10/2015 16:54

We all have days like this OP (apart from those on the thread who, erm, don't, allegedly) and yes the joy does seem sapped from quite a lot of experiences. Sprouts up elsewhere though.

I DO have a good way of getting kids off the swings however - you ask them how many more pushes they want (if they don't say a number you say a ridiculously small number and allow them to haggle you up a bit) and then you count the swings together and usually they are happy to get off hten, but if not just go 'right that's it!' In a cheerful voice and walk off.

lotrben17 · 03/10/2015 18:58

It sounds to me as though you feel overwhelmed in general and need a bit of a break. Then mentally take some control - sometimes you do need to warn them and take them home to show that you won't stand for constant misbehaviour. I agree my dds mostly get like this when they're bored with too much of the same - can you get one of their friends round for a play date?

LightningOnlyStrikesOnce · 03/10/2015 19:43

Mine are those ages too op. And yes sometimes you try and do nice things and it all goes wrong no matter how positive and cheerful you try to be. Sometimes that can turn it. If you are feeling stressed and tired to begin with, as you would if your dh is away and you're the full-time sole carer, you haven't a chance. And the whinging you get, from my eldest particularly, love that 'Lady Whinge McWhingerson' name upthread. Oh yes. Like nails on a blackboard.

Shit parenting, well we're all only human and have our own feelings same as the kids do. Not going to be saints all the time are we. You care about that and another time when not so stressed would be better, so you're not shit.

When your dh gets back make sure he takes them out for a bit and gives you a morning of you-time by way of thanks (and recovery).

ahbollocks · 03/10/2015 19:54

Sounds like you are helicoptering a bit.
Next time at the park just leave them to it, they'll be fine!!

Original poster
Podsandpeas1 · 03/10/2015 20:00

Thank you for the replies so far Flowers

I'm currently reading through them now .

ppeatfruit how do I sound self obsessed ? Confused

Also , I know the "higher faster" thing is children's delight in normal circumstances - but this was actual whinging because I wasn't doing it good enough Hmm

OP posts:
Devonicity · 03/10/2015 20:06

Have you tried humour? I 'run out of pushes' after they've counted to 20 (or whatever) cue floppy arms and staggering amusingly to the nearest bench. And I've been known to cuddle them on the bench "No! Don't leave me! Not even as far as the slide! Oh no, come back!". Wearing but it can break the mood.

If you can't face that, then try the "if you whine for higher again I will stop pushing" and do it.

steff13 · 03/10/2015 20:16

I used to push my daughter (now 5) on the swing, until I accidentally pushed her off into the grass. :(

At 3 & 5, they're old enough to learn how to "pump" their legs to keep swinging. I'd just get them started then leave them to it. I quite like to swing myself, and my daughter loves when I swing beside her.

grumpysquash · 03/10/2015 20:18

I am also a shit parent for the opposite reason. When my DD was just 3, my DS was nearly 5 and I also had a 9 month old baby. So when we went to the park, the older two basically didn't get any help from me at all as I was either pushing the baby on the tiny swings or carrying him around.

I still remember my DD saying gleefully 'Mummy, look! I'm doing it!". She was desperately trying to propel herself on the swing, but was actually barely moving.

Also, they both knew that if the baby started crying a lot and a cuddle didn't make it better, then we would have to go home.

So they got no help, no attention, and sometimes only got 15 mins in the park :( If that's not shit parenting, I don't know what is. (Other parents used to take pity and give them a bit of a push now and again.)

Babbafish · 03/10/2015 20:19

Bloody hell ..... They are kids !!! Part of the fun of the park is being pushed on the swings !!!! Soon they'll be attached to their phone and just grunting!!!

They are only young once .... It goes so quickly .... Take a step back and enjoy them!!!

Mine are 4, 6 & 8 do yeah ... Bern there done that and still doing it!

Mehitabel6 · 03/10/2015 20:21

I think you are too involved and they are vying for your attention. Take a book and leave them to it!

Littleonesaid · 03/10/2015 20:22

YANBU. Just to let you know you're not alone - took DS for lunch to favourite cafe today and within 2 secs he tipped an entire chocolate milkshake down his front. An accident I know, but after screams and wailed and complete outfit change I was ready to cry too. Now on 3rd wash and Vanish cycle and still can't get stains out.

Mehitabel6 · 03/10/2015 20:24

Don't mention things like hurting your feelings- they are not responsible for your feelings. I agree with not getting into the negative- concentrate on the positive.

RabbitSaysWoof · 03/10/2015 21:06

I think I read Bakeoffcake's post about 5 times looking for the advice to be humiliating or disrespectful to a child, I still cant find it.
I'm glad your such a professional tho ppeatfruit.

Bakeoffcake · 03/10/2015 21:09

ppfruit I don't know why you think I'm humiliating the child by trying to divert a lot of whining.

Of course DC should have some control over what happens in their lives but telling their mum she "isn't allowed" allowed to do something is crossing the line. I wouldn't tell a child they weren't allowed on a roundabout, why should a child be allowed to say it to their parent?

MorrisZapp · 03/10/2015 21:17

Parks are fucking awful. I hate every minute spent in them. There's no solution except time. Your kids will reach an age eventually where they won't be nearly so hideous and demanding. Until then, just grit your teeth, accept the horror and pass the time by eyeing up any half decent dads and thinking of the chocolate based rewards that await you post bedtime.

ppeatfruit · 03/10/2015 21:23

Erm they're children, they don't have the same brain development as an adult ,they're learning how to communicate and how to just 'be', you don't take them seriously do you? I find ignoring some things very useful. Then they don't learn how to press your buttons.

Even if they say one thing on one day that sounds sensible they forget the next. Lighten up a bit, be positive, as another poster said. There are some good books to help if it doesn't come naturally. The best one is

How to Speak so Children will Listen

I did mention there may be other reasons why they're moaning; hunger, thirst, jealousy of their siblings. etc.

Original poster
Podsandpeas1 · 03/10/2015 21:27

I've read through all the posts now and there's some good advice , thanks Flowers

Some of the things I need to address though / clarify :

I do enjoy playing with my DC , but today , was not playing , they were whining for more and more than I could physically give - I can only push one at a time and after a while , my arms ache .

As soon as I said no more , the huffing and meanness started, which basically brought the fun to a standstill .

I agree I shouldn't have told her my feelings were hurt - I don't do this often , normally I say ok , no problem and move on. However, she has resorted over the last couple of weeks , to turning mean every time she doesn't get her way , and it annoyed me - and did hurt . I reacted as I'm at the end of my tether with it .

I give them heaps of praise . But they are so demanding it is draining !

OP posts:
ceeveebee · 03/10/2015 21:29

I don't really get this whole attitude of "let them get on with it". If you are at the park with your DCs then what else will you be doing other than interacting with them (unless you have a friend with you). Maybe just because I work so don't see much of them during the week. Just try to make it fun instead of combative.

MorrisZapp · 03/10/2015 21:35

For the love of christ, the op wasn't making it combative! Her kids were being arsey and she tried to deal with it. What's the alternative? Give in and make a slave of yourself to children who never hear the word no?

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